Child Psychology : How to Discipline a Child That Does Not Listen

Hello, I'm Dr. Craig Childress. I'm a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California. I specialize in working with ADHD spectrum issues, angry oppositional children, parenting issues, and family relationship problems. And today I'm going to talk with you about how to discipline a child who doesn't listen. Now, the phrase a child who doesn't listen is a euphemism typically for a child who's passively disobedient. It's typically not a listening problem, it's an obedience problem. And that puts it in the domain of authority. The child is to some degree challenging your authority as a parent. And when that happens, what we need to do is respond with calm and confident authority. In doing that, one of the things that I understand about the authority system is every time you ask a child to do something and they do it, you gain an authority point. Every time you ask a child to do something and they don't do it, you lose an authority point. And so one of the first things to understand is if you've asked the child to do something and they're not doing it, stop asking. You'll be losing authority every time you continually ask the child to do it. Now, you can retain your authority if there is a consequence. If there is some form of a consequence for their not being obedient with what you just asked, then you retain your authority. A common misconception, though, is that the consequence needs to be a punishment. It doesn't. It just needs to be a consequence. So if I've asked a child to stand up and put their shoes on and the child continues to play with their Legos, I can walk over, put my hand on the child's shoulder and say, Michael, what's going on? I just asked you to pick up your Legos and you're just kind of sitting here. That's a consequence. I've maintained my authority. I've acknowledged the child isn't doing what I've asked, and I've intervened to do something about it. And so the consequences don't necessarily need to be punishments. And in that response, that would be a guidance-based response, where I start to facilitate the child communicating to me what their challenge is, what their struggle is in complying with my request. Maybe they're just having so much fun with the Legos it makes them so sad that they don't want to stop, and I can give them a big hug and help them make the transition. The other thing to recognize about the use of the authority system is that punishments aren't always an effective way to teach. We often try to use punishments as a teaching mechanism, hoping that the child will somehow learn that next time they're going to get punished, and so comply with us the next time. That typically doesn't work unless the punishments are pretty severe. Mild punishments, time out, taking away a toy or something, typically don't motivate the child next time. For the most part, if we want to teach the child, teach the child. Get involved, teach them about social consequences, teach them about what they should be doing, and help them navigate through the situation. That's the difference between authority-based interventions and guidance-based interventions. And in general, what's helpful in parenting all children is to maintain a positive emotional tone, particularly with authority, calm and confident authority with a positive emotional tone. Thank you very much. If you'd like to learn more about this or other issues, you can visit my website.