Child With Behavior Problems in School - 6 Steps to Take Immediately

I am Monica J your host for the evening. That sounds so formal, right? Welcome to tonight's live chat. It is entitled yikes. My child is misbehaving in school. Now what? Right. Great topic. Very important topic. And, um, I, I mean, it's a tough topic to talk about, but it's necessary. It's a necessary conversation. It's a necessary chat. Well, when it comes to school and young children, we all know that behavior problems exist. They happen every day. It's just a part of the game. It's just what happened when you, as a parent dropped your children off to school in the morning and you leave them for the day and you go off to work or you go back home or you go to do whatever it is that you do while they're in school. You're hoping and praying that they're going to have a good day, that they're going to actually learn something. And what is that one thing that all parents pray about? I hope they're going to be on their best behavior, right? You guys say it all the time. How did they behave today? You know, that is a question I get when parents come to pick up their kids. How did they behave? Were they good? Did they listen? You know, those are questions that you always ask because yeah, it's tough. It's tough. And you're always afraid that your child is going to be the one disrupting the class, disrupting me, you know, when you go out and you're in public, disrupting everyone in the supermarket or in church or wherever, right? You never want to be the one that has the child doing that. But I am here to tell you it is reality and it is okay. Our children are human beings and they have their own little personalities and they have mood swings and they have their own feelings and emotions that some of them don't even know how to regulate. Most of them don't even know how to regulate, especially our young ones, because they're just learning and they're developing those skills. They don't have them. So they need us to guide them. They need every single adult in their life to guide them, to offer support. Not to judge, not to criticize, but to guide and offer support because they need to develop these skills. These are lifelong skills that they're going to use forever, forever that we're using right now as adults, right? So we want to be able to guide them and support them. All right. So let's get into it. Let's really, really get into it. So, like we said, we know that these behavior problems exist. They happen in school and you dread getting that message or that report that your child misbehaved, right? But if you do, what do you do? I always, always remind you to pause. Pause because it allows you to calm yourself, digest the information and really try to come up with, okay, how am I going to react? What am I going to say next? What is going to be my next move? How am I going to help my child in this situation? You need to pause and take all of that in and you need to be able to make these decisions, which is problem solving and really think about it, but you need to be in a clear state of mind, a very calm state of mind in order to do that. So if you're up, up, up and you're, you're like this and you're upset and you're angry, you're not calm and you can't clearly think and digest everything that's happening. So I want you to just remember to pause. That's number one. Please pause, pause, digest everything. Take it all in because it is a lot and it is, and it does definitely, you know, bring up all of those feelings. It definitely does. There's nothing wrong with you. That is normal, right? The second thing I want you to do is to listen. I want you to listen, listen to what the teacher had to say. So listening could be that you're reading the message the teacher sent you. You are actually listening. Or if you're having a conversation with them, you're listening to what they're telling you. You're listening to what happened. You're really trying to assess the situation. You're really trying to assess the situation because you want to know, you know, you want to know some of these triggers and some of these key points and what even happened to make, you know, for, to get the teacher to actually write the report or to, to, you know, contact you, you need to know what exactly happened, right? So you're listening, you pause, you listen, take it all in, let it digest, you digest that, and then I want you to talk to your child, no matter what age they are, you really should be still talking to your child, even a three-year-old. Yes. I know a three-year-old. I know. I work with two-year-olds too. I, I work with two-year-olds as well. And yeah, I still talk to them and talking to them might just mean, who did that? What happened? Did someone take something, you know, whatever. But if it's a seven or eight-year-old, you can have a direct two-way conversation with them and ask them questions. What made you feel this way? Why do you think you hit that person? Or why do you think you shouted in class? Did you feel something? Did something feel funny in your body? Did something make you feel a certain kind of way? Tell me how that felt. And if they can't tell you how it felt and they're having difficulty expressing themselves, give them other options. Maybe your child likes to draw. Maybe they like to write poems. Maybe they like to just doodle in their book. Give them the opportunity to do those things as well, because maybe in that, the, the actual reason or the trigger will actually come out in that, in the drawing, in the, you know, in the doodling, in the poem or whatever have you, or in that conversation. So have a conversation with your child. Don't always jump to the conclusion that they're just doing this on purpose or that they, they, they knew better or they could have said better, or they shouldn't have done that, or they know the rules in the classroom and they shouldn't listen to their teacher. Don't always jump on them. Try to take time to talk to them and really understand, Hey, what happened in this situation? Let me really, really assess this. Let me really, really, you know, figure out what these key points were, what really happened. Maybe there was a trigger, you know, try to get to the bottom of it. Because as a parent, that's something you have to do. You have to read between the lines. And as teachers, we have to do it too. You have to read between the lines to try to get to the actual problem, which, you know, the root of the problem, right? So the next thing I want you to consider after you talk to your child is to schedule a meeting, a conference, you know, a chat with the teacher. I suggest that you, you schedule a meeting with the teacher or conference with the whole team, not just the teacher, the entire team, but after maybe you've gotten a few reports. So it's the third, fourth time you've gotten the same report from the teacher. You're feeling overwhelmed. You're feeling frustrated and you're just really at your wits end. You really don't know how to move forward, how to really, you know, help your, help your child and guide them in this situation, you're at a loss. So that's where the teamwork comes in. You want to schedule a conference, a meeting with the whole team, as many people that can show up, right? So of course, whoever reported this to you, whoever gave you this message, this information, that person, that teacher has to be in the meeting. You want them to be there, right? Now, every school is different. Every school's policy when it comes to behavior is different. Every school, you know, what their behavior plans are different. Some people don't even call them behavior plans, but you want to be able to schedule a meeting so that you can actually discuss with not only the teacher, but you know, whoever else is on that team, what exactly is happening, what solutions or strategies have they been using to help your child and what can you do at home and if none of the things that they've been doing or that you've been doing are working, what can you guys come up with together as a team to really guide the child along? So that is what the meeting is about. It's about working together. Hey, thanks for supporting me. Um, it's about working together and really coming up with solutions that are best, that are going to fit the needs of that specific child. You really want to know what are their triggers, what's happening when they usually, you know, have these outbursts or, you know, things, the behavior problems are happening. What usually happens prior to that? What leads up to that? All of these things we want to assess and the best way to assess it is to have everyone that's a part of that child's life on a daily basis in the meeting, you know, because you are able to bring your own experiences with that child to the meeting. You are able to say these triggers, or this is what happens when he's at home. This is what happens when he's at school. And then together you can come up with a solution and some teachers and some schools call it a behavior plan. Some schools call it behavior intervention or intervention plan. Everyone calls it something a little different. Some don't even want to use the word behavior and it's okay. Whatever works for you and your school and your child, that is okay. But the whole point is to get in there and talk as a team and to really find out what is triggering these behaviors. What is causing the child to be so reactive? And at these certain times during the day, we really want to work together as a team to help the child because at the end of the day, it's not about me. It's not about the parent. It's not, it's, it's really about the child and what needs they really, really, really are screaming for. Like what help they're screaming for? What are they communicating and how can we actually help them and guide them? So that's what the team, the team meeting is for. So the next thing after you've scheduled that meeting, you've had the meeting. It's really, really important for you to try to implement what you talked about in that meeting at home, whatever the solution was or is, and whatever you guys came up with, you want to try to implement that at home to mirror the strategies that the teachers are using in school, you want to mirror it at home and vice versa for teachers. You want to, if we discussed this in the meeting and this is the plan we're supposed to follow the strategy. You want to be doing that in the classroom as well, as much as you can. Now, none of us are going to get it a hundred percent correct all the time, but we're going to do our darndest and we're going to do the best that we can to serve the needs of the child. So implement, implement, implement, whatever the strategy or solution is that everyone came up with. All right. Implement that. Definitely follow up. The next thing is follow up. You know, you don't want to go through all of that, having the meeting, writing all this down and saying, you know, we're going to do this behavior plan and we got the solution and we have this worksheet. We're all going to fill out or, or this communication book and we're all going to write in it. Whatever the chosen solution was, you want to follow up. Not only do you want to be implementing, but you also want to follow up. So maybe you want to follow up in a week or two weeks, you know, again, you guys have to decide that you decide that as a team, when you're going to follow up, is it a daily follow up? Is it a daily report? Is it a weekly report? Is it biweekly, monthly, whatever works for you and that situation and your child and the school that is okay. That is okay. But follow up, you have to follow up. If you have to schedule it in your phone to remind yourself, set an alarm, but you want to follow up, follow up, follow up. It's very, very important because you need to know what's working and what's not working because if something's not working, then you want to change it. You want to try something else because a lot of behavior intervention and behavior strategies, so much of it is trial and error, trial and error, because there's no one fits all solution. And anything that I share or that another teacher shares or that another professional shares, you have to always customize it to fit the needs of your child. Everything should be customized to fit the needs of the individual child always. Because just because you use this strategy for Bobby and Bobby was the worst kid in the class and oh my gosh, and Bobby would throw books and Bobby would kick the kids and Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. But I did this strategy and I got Bobby on track. So we're going to do this strategy for Kelly and it's going to work, right? But what happens when it doesn't work? I tell you, I've had some situations over the years where I went in there and I had my whole plan. I had it labeled. I had it typed up. I gave it to the parents. We were all on board. And guess what? It didn't even work. It didn't work. And it made me second guess myself as a professional and say, wow, really? Wow. It didn't work. Okay. Do I know what I'm talking about? Do I know what I'm doing? Yes. You know what you're doing? It's trial and error. Everything's not going to work for every child. Every child is so different and every need is so different. And every feeling and emotion that they're experiencing is so different. So it's okay if it doesn't work. That's why we follow up. That's why we talk as a team so that we can change it and try something else and try something new. And that's why you also ask for help. It's okay to ask for help. I need help. I always need help, right? We all have to ask for help. Bobby might not act like that with every teacher as well. You're right, Eileen. You're so right about that. Bobby may act out with, you know, teacher A, but teacher B, you know, he's an angel, he's a totally different child. And, and that's something I definitely wanted to talk about, but let's talk about it now is that when I say customize everything to fit the needs of your child, there's so many little things that fall under that, like Bobby not acting out with one teacher, but acting out with the other teacher, right? Sometimes the connection, the relationship between student and child is just not there. It's just not there. And I don't, you don't have to blame one or the other, but sometimes the connection is just not there. And, and maybe you can try a little harder as the teacher, and maybe the student could try a little harder if they even realize what's happening. But sometimes the connection is not there. And that's something that when we're assessing what's happening, that's something you want to consider that maybe the child just is not connecting with the teacher. Maybe the child is just not connecting with the environment, whether it's the classroom environment or it's just, you know, other students, they may not be connecting. And some other things to think about is the way the teacher teaches, the style of teaching the teacher uses, because sometimes the children don't always connect with that learning style. And so that gets frustrating because if they're not successful in that class, that can be a cause for, you know, acting out or behavior problems, right? It can be. So these are all the little things that you're assessing. And that's also why it's important to really pause and not be reactive, which we talked about earlier. Like, don't just jump when you hear the negative report. Don't just automatically assume that your child is wrong in every situation. You know, really take your time to pause, digest everything, and then start the assessment and start the talking and start the conversations. And then the, you know, and then the meeting and all of these things, it's a process. And so know that you're on the journey with your child. Know that the answer isn't going to always come right away and the solution isn't always going to happen overnight. And you're not going to see, because we have this meeting tomorrow, you know, my child's going to be an angel in class or whatever, have you, it's a process. You're on a journey. Some people's journeys longer and some are shorter and it's okay because whatever your child's journey is and whatever that journey you're on with them, that's theirs. It's unique to them. And don't worry about it. Don't ever compare. It's okay. And then I want you to, you know, along with the follow-up is revisiting, revisiting everything that you guys talked about, you know, just revisiting what you discussed in the meeting, the solution, the strategy, revisit all of that. You have to revisit it, you know, meet again, talk about all of the positives, the negatives, what worked, what didn't work, the happy moments, the sad moments, the frustrating moments, talk about all of it and then start again and then start all over again because it is a journey. And now, you know, someone mentioned earlier, Tracy actually mentioned earlier, she asked, well, what about a parent who just, you know, can't do these things or they're having trouble, you know, being positive in these situations and trying to come up with solutions. I say to that, that you ask for help. You ask for help. And that's where the meeting comes in and the conversations with the teachers. But if you're embarrassed or you feel insecure and you don't feel like you can do that, you can't talk to the teacher or you can't, you can't talk to the administration, then I say you ask a family member to help you, to come with you or to make the call for you. If there are two parents in the situation and maybe one parent can do it, if the other one doesn't feel comfortable, if that's not an option, then you ask a grandmother or grandfather or aunt or an uncle or anyone else in your life that you're close to that you trust and that your child trusts to come with you or to make that call for you or to write that letter for you, to push you to the next level. You know, when my students, as a special education student, excuse me, student, listen to me, as a special education teacher, you know, the parents of my students have to go to meetings often, you know, they have their annual meetings they have to go to and a lot of decisions are made during these meetings. And oftentimes it's very overwhelming. It's scary. And it's, and you can feel intimidated because there's all these administrators and they're talking and there's a lot of, you know, jargon and you don't understand what's going on and you can be insecure. So I always suggest bringing someone with you to the meeting who can be there as a support system for you or someone who maybe is not afraid to, you know, speak up a little more or a little more aggressive than you are, you know, bring your support system, bring your support system. And if you really don't have any support system, there's no one there, then you're going to have to try to muster up some type of courage to actually talk to the teacher or someone in the school who you feel comfortable with, because maybe it's not the teacher you feel comfortable with. Maybe you actually feel comfortable with the lunch lady or the janitor or the secretary or the security safety, or, you know, there's someone that maybe you talk to in the school that maybe you say hi to every day or, and that you feel like you're comfortable with, talk to them. They can even be a support. They can even be a support to be there, to help you, to push you, to actually make the actual connection between you and the teacher or you and the assistant principal or dean or whoever, you know, ask for help. That's what it really all boils down to, asking for the help. Now, after all of this is done, and let's say this is something you've been working on for months and you really don't see any improvement and you really are stressed and maybe the school really suggests that maybe your child gets evaluated or, you know, you know, seek other professional services. There's nothing wrong with that either. If you feel you've reached that point and you feel that there's not much more you can do because you just don't know and there's not much more the school can do, well, then it's OK to seek professional help. It's OK to get your child evaluated if that's the point you're at. Because remember, every child is different and every journey is different. Every challenge is different. So go ahead and you can ask for that extra help to get the evaluation or to figure out what the next step is. And there's nothing wrong with that. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. See you all again soon. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.