It took me 13+ years and a divorce to learn what I’ll tell you in 10 minutes

I didn't realize how much of my kid's childhood I was missing until my divorce forced me to kind of bring everything into focus. All the noise fell away, every single should, and pressure, every perfect house standard, and all that was left was this very simple, heartbreaking truth. I was spending so much time trying to be a good mom that I wasn't fully with my kids, and I was missing out on my own life. I really believe you don't need a wake-up call like mine to bring about some change. I'm gonna spend the next 10 minutes sharing five really little shifts so that you don't waste your kid's childhood feeling bad about yourself. So first of all, I learned to take part in the joy instead of just creating it. As a mom, we're feeling responsible for creating these really joyful moments or these memories and facilitating an environment and bringing the ideas and bringing the energy or the positivity that will allow our family to have an enjoyable time. And as we take on that role sometimes, we don't allow ourselves to really take part in it and to really enjoy it because we are feeling like we're in charge of it. I was there with my family, I was there with my kids, but I wasn't enjoying it, right? I was doing everything, all the things, all the mom things, but I wasn't happy. Like I loved them, but I was always stressed. And I really felt like in hindsight, I wasted so many years trying to be the behind the scenes person in front of, like in charge of all the things and keeping things clean or keeping things running, keeping the rhythm going. And I wasn't ever dropping that to just be a person and be a participant essentially. So dinner times, same thing. I was trying to facilitate these conversations, bring connection, but I was like hosting people instead of just being a person at the table. And I would do that for like even family movie nights. I would kind of sneak away, I would get the movie going. Every week we would do a family movie and I would get it going, get everyone snacks, get everyone comfy. And then I would sneak away to tidy because now I needed to clean up my mess in the kitchen or the living room hadn't gotten squared away. And so I felt like it was my responsibility to do that. But I wasn't allowing myself to really be a part of the family and really share fully in those memories with my kids. And that's sad, obviously. And it's a reality that a lot of us get into because we're in this kind of self-sacrifice mentality, which is fine, like it's good. We wanna be selfless. We want to take care of our families, but not at the expense of us really enjoying them and enjoying that time with them. The second really big shift that I made was trading out some of the guilt for some grace. I had high expectations of myself. I felt a lot of pressure. I had a ton of shoulds on my, like a good mom should do this, they should do that. Their house should look like this. Her dinner should look like that. And all of those shoulds brought a lot of guilt because I wasn't always doing all those things. I wasn't always doing those things as well as I thought I should. And guilt became such a driving factor in my every single day. And as a Christian, I think it's easy to confuse our desire to be our best and our desire to be better with accepting guilt as a normal part of everyday life for things that aren't a sin, right? Like we have guilt in our life to nudge us towards repentance when we make a mistake, and that's great. But there's a lot of other mom guilt that comes in when it's not really necessary or warranted. And the weight of that guilt took away so much of my enjoyment, so much of my confidence. I just wasn't, I wasn't confident. I was really convinced that my kids would be better off with some other mom. And that's a very sad reality. Instead of having the faith that God gave me these children, right? He has a plan for them, has a plan for me. And through his grace, I was enough. Weaknesses and all, right? And as I focus more on that, his grace, his love for me, I was able to actually enjoy my kids again. I was actually able to feel confident in all the things that I was giving them and offering them. The third little shift that was really huge for me was letting God guide my day instead of my to-do list. I lived by my to-do list. I am a list maker. I'm a planner. I'm a pretty organized person. I like to feel like I'm on the ball. I have a very type A personality. Lists really suit me, and I thrive with lists. And unfortunately, as a mom, I really became, it sounds so dramatic, but I really became a slave to my list. I was the one making the list, right? I had these very high ambitions and high expectations, and so if it was on the list, I was gonna do it. And so I drove myself into the ground, and it took so much of my time and presence away from my kids for the sake of the house, right? It was all good intentions. I wanted things to be running smoothly. I wanted things to be organized. I wanted to cook from scratch. All these good things, and I was trying to be that good mom, but over time, I was missing the mark more and more, to the point that, looking back, I did waste so many years with my kids, just trying so hard. I was trying so hard because I loved them, right? I loved my calling. I mean, I was in, I had every good intention, but I was missing out on so much of the joy and happiness that was right there in front of me. I was living this life that I had wanted. I had wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and I forgot that God should and needed to be a huge part of that. On the daily, I could've been asking him to guide me, right? Okay, there's dishes in the sink, and there's kids melting down over here. What should I do, right? Or, you know, I wanna make this really fancy dinner, and my kids have been needing some extra attention, or whatever the thing is, or I have a neighbor, you know, who I haven't reached out to. I mean, we are faced with so many good, necessary decisions that it becomes a real burden to make those judgment calls, and as I learned to tap into the spirit more and just really ask him where he wanted me, where he needed me, I wasn't neglecting the dishes forever to sit with my child for two minutes, right? Like, we can do the things we need to do, but relying on our own discernment and judgment without inviting God into that becomes a path to burnout. I speak from experience. Another step was trading perfection for effort. I wanted to be perfect so badly. So desperately did I wanna be perfect, and we're trying to be more like Christ, who is perfect, right? Even knowing I was never gonna be perfect, I still tried really hard for that, but when I realized I'm showing up every day, I am trying my hardest, my effort is there, and I'm being a wise steward of my energy and my time and all the things, like, God knew my efforts. He loves effort, he wants us to try, but I never needed to shoot for this perfection that's just not real because it was so detrimental to my mental and emotional health, and once again, confidence, because confidence for me was everything. And the very last thing I'll say, for me, it was the shift to stepping into my true identity. I was trying so hard to be like someone else, to be like this other mom, or to be like this woman online who I saw, or more like my mom or my sister, or all these wonderful women who I looked up to, and so I constantly felt like I wasn't as good, and so I would try to do things in their way, and it wasn't really working, and it was really hard for me, and what's wrong with me, it works for them, but when I recognize I'm my own person, God made me this way, he wants me to show up as that. He wants me to bring my personality into my home, and into my homemaking, into my parenting, and that changed everything, because then I had permission to just be me, and that it was enough, and God loved who he created me to be. I made a quiz, if you want a first step to try to kind of tap into that identity, you are a daughter of God, he made you with certain wiring, certain capacity, energy, he gave you specific kids even, and all of that can come into your homemaking, and that is what makes it so that you can actually enjoy your kids, and not waste a single second that you have with them. Check it out, it'll be in the description, and just don't worry about mothering like me, don't worry about mothering like her, just mother like you.