Bobby Lee - Getting recognized as the wrong Asian celebrity

I don't want to brag, but I get recognized, guys. Thank you. Everyone thinks I'm a different Asian celebrity. It ******* sucks. I love you on Heroes every day, guys. Hangover every day. You're amazing on Grey's Anatomy. That's a chick. I mean, my titties are way bigger. So I have a girlfriend. Thank you so much. Guys, clap. Thank you. Yeah. She's got a vagina and everything. So it works, you know, starts fights with me every day. I woke up last week. She goes, You sleep with your mouth open. How about good morning, bitch, you know what I mean? And she's like, Spiders crawl in your mouth when you're sleeping. Did you know that? I don't believe her. I Google it. It's ******* true. They crawl inside you when you're sleeping. They're like little Bill Cosby's. Oh, we don't like punch lines. We watch a lot of movies, my girlfriend and I. She says dumb things after movies. We saw that movie Passion of the Christ. After the movie, she goes, Lord, the rings are so much better than Passion of the Christ. You can't compare those two movies. One's a fantasy. The other one has hobbits and wizards and like and a ring. Yeah. Keep clapping. I like applause breaks. I get hard. Anyway, hard to watch movies. I think Hollywood's a little racist. If they write us apart, they cast white. Tilda Swinton, Doctor Strange. They made a movie called The Conqueror in the 60s about Genghis Khan. John Wayne played Genghis Khan. That's like if I played Martin Luther King in a ******* movie, which I would love to do. I do one of those famous speeches with a little accent. You know, I had a dreaming that white people would do their own laundry. I'm seriously, I'm going to remake white films and put Asian people. That's my dream. And the first movie I'm going to remake is Braveheart. I'm going to cast Asian actors with really bad Asian accents. Not a single person in my movie will say William Wallace. Sons of Scotland. Will you fight by my side? What's your name? William Wallace, I don't know. Come again. It's William Wallace. Spell it. Oh, man. W. That's a sword, by the way, guys. It's not an umbrella. Mm hmm. Don't clap. It's weird. I have a girlfriend. I have intimacy issues. I hate cuddling. It's so boring. No guy here likes cuddling. We do it because we have to, right, guys? Come on, back me up. OK, nobody. Every guy's face when they're cuddling. The women always, I feel safe. I'm always, I can't feel my arm. Her hairs are in my mouth. Sleep! You squeeze till they pass out. Sleep! My girlfriend has a small head, by the way. She's a pygmy. My girlfriend has a habit to wake me up for no reason. When I'm sleeping, it drives me crazy. She doesn't wait for an emergency. Just wake up. What? That's what you woke me up for? I'm not on fire. There's no ISIS in the bathroom. Why am I awake? Wake up. What? I had a nightmare. That's weird. I just woke up to a nightmare. I met my girlfriend on Tinder. The first night she spent out of my house is how she woke me up. Wake up. What? Can you get me some water? Wait a second. I didn't know you had muscular dystrophy. You got legs. Get your own water. Are you Stephen Hawking all of a sudden? Rest in peace, by the way. But if Stephen Hawking was alive, he happened to be gay and I was gay and we're living together, I wouldn't get him water. He's a smart guy. He should prepare before he goes to bed, right? I mean, that would have been scary getting woken up by Stephen Hawking. Come on. Let's be honest. Bambi, wake up. I'd have my own speaker smell machine just to **** with him, you know? What the **** do you want? Can you get me a glass of water? **** no. I would do like 50 Z's like I'm sleeping. So, you know, I look in the mirror like you guys all do. You look at yourself in the mirror and you probably like what you see, right? I like what I see. I think I'm cute. You know, I'm shaped like a scallop. It's fine. I know I look like Pikachu with diabetes. It's fine. But I think I look weird because I get really weird roles in TV shows. I was on The League once. They called me, Bobby, we wrote you a part. I go, what is it? They go, Chinese guy with Down syndrome. I'm like, I'll take it. Papa needs to work. Papa's so hungry. I showed up, went to the makeup department. I go, what are you guys going to do? Put prosthetics under my eyes? They're like, nah, you're fine. I go to wardrobe. What am I going to wear? You're going to wear what you're wearing. This is Down syndrome clothing? I'm on set. The director goes, action. I start acting. He goes, cut, Bobby. Just be yourself. I'm like, do I have Down syndrome? I've never met an Asian guy with Down syndrome. But if I did, I'd bet you money. He's just as smart as the average white guy. Oh, no. That's my set. Thank you so much, everybody. It was fun. Thank you.