DL Hughley Talks Caitlyn Jenner, Colin Kaepernick, and The N-Word _ Stand Up Comedy

Gay people having a hell of a run and getting married in all 50 states. That's amazing a compliment. Straight people have to fight that hard for the right to get married. We'd have to live with that ----. But I want to get married where bitches are legal. I'm on probation. I can't take no chances like that. And black people don't like gay people, which is silly because if it wasn't for gay people, many of us would not have a choir director. Oh, that ain't ******* true. We'll see on Sunday. You ever been to a church with a straight choir director? That's the most boring service ever. Hey man, where the sissy with the tambourine at? Hit it, Tremaine. We had our first gay player draft in the NFL, Michael Samms. I'm proud of America for evolving past the point where they look at somebody's merit instead of their sexuality. A lot of gay activists were upset. Michael Samms won the seventh round simply because he was gay. Michael Samms won the seventh round because he ran a 4-9 at the NFL combine now. In the NFL, you could be gay, but you can't be slow and gay. You got to come out the gate just as fast as you came out the closet now. You can love a man on Saturday as long as you could catch a man on Sunday. I for one find it hilarious that the first gay dude was drafted by the Rams. That cracks me the **** up. If it would have been the Packers or the Browns. Caitlyn Jenner waited till it was 68 to become a woman, which is silly because when men get older, we naturally produce more estrogen. Women produce more testosterone. He could have saved that 50 grand and waited because titties was coming next year whether you wanted them or not. My nipples are tender. I think I'm ovulating. Somebody give me a hot water bottle. I'm a liberal man. I'm a proud liberal. You can call yourself a woman. I respect your wishes and call you what you like, but you're not exempt from biological realities. You can call yourself a woman, but eventually a doctor going to call you and tell you need a prostate examination. You can wear a sun dress when you go. You still getting a finger in your ass. Mrs. Johnson, can you move your balls? I'm not trying to offend you, but I need you to cough. We live in a world where you can now self-identify. You can say you something, even though I can see you not. I still got to agree with you. So from now on, I'm a white man trapped in this nigga's body. My name is Chad. I'm pretty sure they ain't gonna work with the police. Wait a minute, officer. I'm a white man trapped in this nigga's body. Both you motherfuckers get out the car, but the nigga first. This is so disappointing. I was hoping for a different result. Bill Maher, he said nigga on TV. Everybody lost their mind. He should lose his job. He said nigga on TV. Do you realize if every white person that said nigga lost their job, tomorrow nothing would be open. Hey, how come the mall is closed? You know why. Funny thing about that is they blame the word nigga on black people. Like you say it in hip hop all the time. Maybe if you didn't say it, we wouldn't say it. What a ridiculous argument. Niggas been the American lexicon since the early 1700s. Hip hop been around since 1975. What came first, nigga or the Sugarhill Gang? Mark Twain, a grandmass to flash. I heard nigga my whole life. My mama used to say, niggas and flies. I do despise. The more I see niggas, the more I like flies. First time I was ever called nigga outside my house, I was in the third grade, man. Went to a field trip on Alvarez Street, the oldest street in Los Angeles, and my favorite ice cream parlor was there. So I saved my money for a couple of weeks so me and my best friend could go get my favorite ice cream. So we get there and I run off the bus with my best friend. I walk to the ice cream parlor. I'm excited. I have some ice cream. He looked at me and said, we don't serve niggas. I said, well, can we have strawberry? I went home. My mother told me, she said, that's some people have the words. They say evil stuff. They talked about Jesus. You think they're going to talk about you? It's never what you called. It's what you answered to. My mama wasn't a nice woman, told some of the sweetest words she ever said to me. She was a sweet woman that day. I said, thank you, mama. That means so much to me. Mama, can I have some ice cream? He said, no, nigga, you can't have no ice cream. Hey, Derek, let me have a little bit. Derek, let me have some more, man. This is Derek, my Mexican security guard. I'm going to miss you when Trump takes you away. It's so hard to say goodbye. Just say it in Spanish. Happy single tomorrow, my brother. Colin Kaepernick, he caused a lot of consternation, man. Everybody's upset about that taking a knee thing. Even OJ weighed in on it. OJ said it was disrespectful not to stand for the national anthem. I'm like, hey, didn't you kill two people? I mean, you and Ray Lewis are pretty judgmental for murderers. I'd rather take a knee than a knife. You're going to stand for the national anthem. You didn't even stop in a Bronco. Man, they were mad at football players in general for taking a knee, man. Why would football players protest police brutality? They're rich. They don't have to worry about that. Do you realize the very physical attributes that get you drafted in the NFL when you're a black man, get you killed when you're not on that field? Like if you're big, you black, you fast, you strong, you aggressive. That ---- worked great on Sunday. But on Monday, I don't know. Colin Kaepernick, he just led a peaceful protest and he's a pariah. Robert E. Lee, he led a violent protest against America. Robert E. Lee killed more Americans than Nazis and he gets statues everywhere, man. And I think they should be able to keep their Confederate statues. I just don't think they should be in black people neighborhoods. Like our schools are so shitty and underfunded, we actually don't even know who the ************ on the horse is. Hey, nigga, is that Seabiscuit? Why does that jockey got a sword? The wonder he won the Derby. I don't know, man. We're a very religious country till it's time to act like Christ. Then we fall down right there. I remember when Lamar Odo was in a coma, people prayed and woke up Lamar Odo. Well, maybe that's true to you, but I believe nothing to wake your ass up a coma faster than knowing your ex is making your medical decisions. Lamar heard Chloe's in charge, he hopped right up. I'm all right. I'm all the way up. I know my wife would never unplug me. She'll leave me on life support just to **** with me. Where your bitches now? Looking in the lobby, I don't see any bitches. I've always like had a problem with religion, especially when you're a black person in America. Our introduction to Christianity was a bit dubious, to say the least. Same person that gave you Jesus gave you niggas. I remember Creflo Dollar, man. That makes people uncomfortable. It's true, but yet so uncomfortable. Creflo Dollar, man, he said he needed $60 million to buy a private jet to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm like, ************, Jesus wrote a ass. You could at least get on Southwest. What if the window cracks? Pray over it. Safe like repair, safe like replace. Amen. Remember that big flood happened down in Houston, man. Every business opened their doors up to the refugees, except Joel Olsen, who got the largest church in Houston. Twitter made Joel open them doors, because originally he just walked down and said, Jesus said no. He walked on water, now you try. I don't know, man. Generationally, we got different children, man, than we was growing up, man. Like Adrian Peterson, the greatest running back of this generation, got suspended last year because he whooped his son with a switch. Who knew that ---- was illegal? Because if the statute of limitations is not up, my mama's getting an ominous phone call on her. Do you feel comfortable identifying the woman that repeatedly hit you with a switch? There she is right there. Mama, if that's your real name. And she called me black and wouldn't give me ice cream. You always said, tell the truth. We used to get our ass whooped with extension cords. You come home, the ---- was unplugged, you knew somebody getting fucked up. The Frigidaire don't work. Mama's mad about something. Mem and your mother would call home from work, I'm going to **** you up as soon as I get home. You go home and start trying to clean the whole house up. You get home at five o'clock, you dressed for church. Hey mama, I'm ready to be baptized now. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it hit it, Tremaine. A lot of us are in these chairs right now instead of dead in jail because of the very ass whooping society now abhors. A lot of people saw those weps on Agent Peterson's son like they were appalled. Look at that. Doesn't that look like abuse? Not to us. Us, that looked like a ************ who didn't listen. These are clearly the marks of somebody you had to tell twice. Well, what are all those bruises on his arm trying to grab the belt? You don't have to do that ----. You take your ass whooping, cry yourself to sleep, and wear a long-sleeved shirt to school. It's summer, how come you got a sweater on? My mama loved me, that's why. If you're blessed to still have your parents in your life, you realize it's a blessing and a challenge, man. The older they get, the more childlike they become. You ever look at your parents and go, how the **** did y'all raise us? I'm scared to leave y'all home with the pilot light on. See you next week. My daddy, 82 years old, he got the nerve to have dementia as evil as he was growing up. Like, I don't remember, ************, I do. That's why your medication late. You forgot my baseball game, I forgot your doctor's appointment. That's the way. My sister called, you know, Daddy, he don't remember nothing. You better go see him. I said, Daddy, don't remember nothing? She said, no. I said, well, tell that ************ I just left, and I'll be back at the same time tomorrow. I ain't gonna burn my gas up and you don't know who the **** I am. My father was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, so we're all over the house deciding the course of treatment. Doctor tells my father, he said, Mr. Hughley, you can go to the City of Hope and you can receive the most advanced cancer treatment known to man. You know what this ************ said? Well, how far is that? I said, well, ************, not as far as the upper room. Get in the car, you ain't gonna remember it no goddamn way. That's it. Father had cancer, my mother had a stroke, and my sister and mother had fought so much about my father, they got restraining orders on each other. My mother has a stroke and an ambulance come to pick her up, my sister can't even ride with her. She got to follow a thousand feet behind. I wish I was lying, but I'm not.