My Dad Won't Stop Asking Us For Money (He's 62)

In today's digital world, you need ID theft protection that actually works. Protect yourself at Xander.com. I would just like to know how I should go about a conversation with my dad, asking him to get another job because he's been asking me and my brother for. Money for like bills and groceries. What, how long has this been going on? Oh, years. I mean, how old is he? He is 62. Okay. And is he on his own? No, my mom is still around. She was a caretaker for my grandma, but she recently passed away. So she is unemployed right now. Okay. And how much money are we talking about in how many years? Uh, well, let me, let me ask, I'm sorry. Let me ask a differently on the average, ask how much money is he asking you and your brother for at a time? Um, it really varies anywhere from like 20 bucks to a couple thousand. Okay. I just am trying to get a range for, you know, how big of a problem he's got going on. And, and, uh, you said years, how many years? Yeah. So, um, we had a family business for a long time and we would work. Uh, I've been working since I was like nine. So kind of since then, he's been asking you and your brother for money for 10 years to help pay his bills. Yeah. And you've been giving it to him the entire time. Yes. All right. That. All right. I got to bring in the good doctor here. I mean, I set the table and now you get to clean it. I, wow. We got some deep seated issues going on here. John, you, you, you, you asked for two things and you can only control one of them. Okay. And so the only thing you can control here is, is, um, no, thank you. Or thanks for asking. I'm not in a position to give right now. Or if you want to be, if you, if you're ready to draw a forever boundary, I'm not going to be able to give you, or I'm going to choose not to give you money anymore and the more honest you can be there, the better do you still work in the family business with him? Um, no, it, we had to sell it. He's in quite a bit of debt, so we had to, you can't recommend he get a new job because he doesn't think he needs one because he doesn't, he has two kids that he's been leeching off of for years. He's going to have to come to that on his own. And yeah, I just want to tell you, I'm, um, as a dad of a daughter sitting next to another dad of a, of another daughter, I want to tell you, I'm sorry, because no dad should put his daughter in this position. Yeah. Thank you. You've been carrying him for a long time and that was never your job. What's going to happen when you do what John tells you to do? Listen, identity theft doesn't happen because you're careless. It's part of the modern world. Even when you do everything right, criminals can steal your information and turn your life upside down. That's why I've told people for years to have identity theft protection. And the only one I've ever recommended is from Zander insurance. They monitor for fraud. And if something happens, they do the hard work to restore your identity. Go to zander.com and protect yourself today. How's dad going to react? Well, I can tell you, he's going to react like a child, right? Yeah, I, I don't know exactly. He definitely asked more from my brother, but, um, Is your brother fed up with this too? He's definitely more lenient on it. He's kind of like, well, mom and daddy money. So I'm going to give it to him. And see, John, that's another dynamic. Cause we're giving Kate this advice. Kate's calling us, but if brother's going to continue to help, this is never going to get any better. So even more so Kate, do you do what John tell you're going to be isolated even more? Yeah. And the reason I'm bringing that up with John next to me is because I think you need to be prepared for dad. You said, you don't know what he's going to do. He's not going to react in a good way. And now he's going to put more pressure on your brother and brother may come to you and go, what are you doing? I guess, John, I want her to be prepared for the worst case scenario so that we protect Kate. I mean, I think Kate's going to have to make some choices about, do you have community? Do you have people you can count on? Do you have someone you can talk to? Because this is going to be an isolating Rocky storm to, to weather. Right. I'm actually, I'm moving out in April. Good. And, and the faster you can establish yourself on your own two feet somewhere else where you've got some more autonomy, then this will definitely reduce. Okay. But it will be incredibly uncomfortable, disheartening, heartbreaking. And so I'll say it this way. If it takes you giving him money to preserve the relationship, the relationship you want to be there does not exist. Yeah. It's a, it's a predatory relationship. You owe me. I'm your dad. I think I keep giving them money because I am just so bad. They don't have money for bills and I don't want them to, you know? Okay. Um, I want to walk you through something that I learned from my, my buddy, Becky Kennedy, she's a psychologist in New York. Okay. Um, I w I would have told you in the past, like you're feeling guilty, right? And she, she changed the way I think about guilt. She said, guilt is a good feeling that your body experiences when you violate your own values. Guilt is not the feeling you get when you do something that is in alignment with your values in somebody else's uncomfortable or mad or pissed off at what you just did and you try to grab their feelings and manage them for them. And so is it a violation of your values to take care of yourself, to make sure you're on your own two feet and to stop funding your dad's behavior? Yeah, I definitely need to, I'm definitely ready to move out. Okay. So when he comes at you full storm, when your brother comes at you full storm, make a commitment to yourself. And by the way, you, you, you don't just declare this like Michael Scott, like I declare bankrupt. This is hard and it's painful and it takes years. Okay. Make the commitment to yourself. I am not going to try to manage y'all's anger, your frustration, your demands, your coercion. I'm not going to try to manage that. I'm going to be in control of me and I'm going to be compassionate, respectful, honorable. I'm going to always tell the truth. I'm going to be a person of integrity and I'm going to do what I can do. And in this season, I don't have that kind of money to continue to support you in that way. And it's hard and it's like Ken's right, man. That is painful. Painful. Where's mom at in this? Yeah. Where's she? So, um, my mom, so I'm actually moving in the job I have now. Um, she's going to take it over, but it's not going to be for a month. What, what, what is she going to make? Um, 20 after taxes, it's going to be about 600 a week. Okay. And is, does mom, where's mom at with the way dad is putting the pressure on you and your brother? Is mom just the silent who just lets him do whatever? I mean, what's the deal? She, um, she definitely feels really bad about it. She, she cries to me a lot about it and because she's in a really tough position of, I know she is. And because we have such limited time, I'm digging here, John, what can she do to encourage mom to try to step in here? I, I, again, I don't know that she can get mom to do anything. I agree. She can say, Hey mom, I just want to let you know. Um, as I'm moving out here, I need to establish my finances, my emergency fund, I need to pay off my debts that I have and I need to establish myself. And so I am not going to continue to give y'all money for the next season. And I know that's going to make dad mad. You and I have talked and I know this whole thing has always made you uncomfortable anyway. I just want you to know, I'm going to have this conversation with dad when he calls and maybe your mom will say, bless you for having the strength that I wasn't able to exert over the years because I've been in this other pressure cooker. Or maybe she'll get mad at you too. Who knows? But I would have that level of candor and that level of directness and make that as short as possible. The best ID theft protection comes from Zander. Real monitoring, full restoration, no fluff. Learn more at zander.com.