Made For You...

You say I'm a canvas, an almost blank one at that, and I almost agree, for I am a canvas with no painter to paint, a canvas without a painter. What a waste. You say you don't have to answer to me, and of course that's true, but the strange thing is, is I think my canvas was meant to be painted on by you, whilst I'm sure that I can paint it all on my own, for I have spent hundreds and hundreds of days just being alone, with no one outside for myself to call home, which is a beautiful thing, and I admire myself very much. Can somebody live without another human's touch? Being all that, to take a break, to be painted by you, for you have heavily changed my life, if only you knew. The words I wanted to say to you wouldn't come out, for the girl who claims to be fearless feared her very own mouth. It's only because this is new to me, as I've spent years on the road without company. You've made part of me come alive, and that's built up my trust, so I'd hate to now be left alone in the dust, for as eager as I may be in the truth that I do tell, there is no doubt in my mind that I have fallen under your spell. I hope you enjoyed that little poetic journey, that was something very vulnerable and a little anew to, to, to you guys, something different. I was inspired up to somebody I met recently and I, I didn't know how to channel the energy, or what to channel that energy I felt from that person into, so I decided to do that and be creative with it, like I do with everything I feel, because that's a healthy outlet. So I hope you enjoyed that. Yeah, thanks for, thanks for being here, thanks for showing up. You guys had lots of questions I asked on, um, on, on the YouTube, whatever this thing is, community, um, if you guys had any questions, and I'd answer them in a video, because I haven't answered questions in a long time, and my answers have thoroughly changed, um, so yeah. The top question is, what inspired you to choose van life? Many things, uh, my imagination and sheer will to, um, live the most ridiculous lifestyle possible. That's my inspiration. How is my social life on the road? At best, extremely poor. Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years? Oof. Uh, I want to be making films with my lover. One would need a 300 square foot walk-in closet to fit all of the outfits you wear in your videos. How can you fit everything in a small van? My van is a wardrobe. I have a wardrobe there, a wardrobe up there. Under my bed is just a wardrobe. I also have a storage locker. It's a wardrobe. But recently I've been dialling back on the clothes. I'm going for more considered items that are more expensive and will last longer, and, uh, basically I'm maturing. Kind of. Kind of. How do you believe van life changed you as a person? Good question. It has made me, it has made me suffer immensely, physically and mentally. It's made me suffer in ways that, it made me meet parts of myself that I didn't know existed, and I was like, oh god. But it makes you meet the, the darkness in you. It challenges you. You have to be ******* mentally tough to do this lifestyle. You really do. You can, you can learn and you can do it, and anybody can do it. But if I didn't have you guys, and I didn't have the passion that I have for living here, for making content, for being creative and free, there's no way in hell that I could have done this for, for long. And I, I'm so used to it that the things that used to bother me don't so much, and I'm so used to it that it's almost weird talking about it, in a way. I don't know how to explain that, but it'll test you to your limits. But the funny thing is, is that a lot of people who do family have been tested to their limits, which is why they've hit rock bottom and don't care anymore. So you are like, **** it, I want to live the most crazy life. You buy a van, a vehicle, whatever, and you live in it, and you move around, and you become a nomad. Most people have already gone through hell and back before they've been doing this lifestyle. Because yeah, I didn't one day just wake up and be like, I want to live in a pretty pink van. Although part of me in my head did. I, you know, I'm in a van, and all of this was born out of darkness. This light, and light heartedness, you can only get there from being in the depths of your own despair. So van life and this whole journey has made me my highest, my current highest self, and allowed me to breathe from an energy of authenticity. The knowing that my life is my imagination, and energy just coming to life. How many people can say that? I guess we all control ourselves to a degree, but I'm pioneering everything. I'm leading everything. You know, what everybody else is doing, I don't care. It's great, you know, what anybody else is doing, but it's none of my business, and I don't care to follow by any set of rules. Which I think is exactly how life should be lived. I'm not saying going rampage everything will be an awful energy in the world. I mean just the magic of being able to breathe from your own, to be able to exist from your own intuition and heart, and being able to connect to that, rather than being in environments that constantly rip you away from that. It is, it is wonderful. It is ******* hot. None of this is easy. All the stuff I'm saying, it's taken me years to get to this point, and I spent that time alone. I've been alone, I haven't been with anybody, I haven't been around friends, I haven't been around all this kind of stuff, and I'm not saying that's particularly healthy. I know what it's like to not have anybody other than yourself, and to create your life from your point, no matter how scary it is, because it's not easy not having security and all of this stuff. It's not easy. You know, if you fall, it's like but then equally, you get back up, or you don't, depends on on the day really, but life is just a it's a wonderful, wonderful joke, but also a wonderfully beautiful thing, if you can, if you can do it from your imagination, that is when life is wonderful, and you can find somebody who does it in a similar way to you, and that's gold dust. How did you keep your faith and learn to live alone despite any difficulties? Is there a book that has helped you? No, there's no book that has helped me, but it's a good question. I trust my intuition. It is our internal guidance system that you are never, ever taught to listen to, and it's the only thing that's going to get you anywhere, otherwise we just lean on other people's paths, or other, you know, ways we're told to do everything, and life paths. You must do this, and you do this, and you do this, and you do this, and then you die, but you had a successful life. Did you really have a successful life? What counts as successful? What counts as successful? Oh yeah, and also, how did you learn to live alone? How do you deal with loneliness? All this kind of stuff. I've just always chronically been very alone. It hurts my soul, and I realize it's a massive problem. You are really the sum of the people you surround yourself with, and it's hard to find people with a similar mind to mine. When I do, and I actually have, it's a wonderful thing that should be... You've got to keep that. I think I've just been distracting myself, really, with my own sort of personal growth, and healing journey, and... I sound like such a... Whatever. But no, I've kept myself distracted with this, with making films, with being creative. It's what I've done my whole life. Keep myself distracted with being creative, and forgetting that you're alone. Because, I mean, I guess we're all alone at the end of the day. Do I want to be? No. Hey Ami, how do you deal with your mental health? Yes, I love your videos. Thank you. How do I deal with my mental health? Not very well. I used to be very chaotic. Now I... I don't know, something's changed within me, and I'm a lot better. I'm actually very spiritual. If I wasn't spiritual, and spent... You know, if I wasn't spiritual, and I didn't spend most of my days sort of working on myself, and my vibration, and my aura, I would probably be in a ditch somewhere. So, I have learned to deal with my... to handle myself and my emotions very well. Because you have to. All right. Have you ever considered getting an agent? Do you enjoy acting, singing, or have any interest in pursuing a career in film or TV, either in front of the camera or as a singer? Oh yeah, that's sweet. Thank you. Yes, many things have crossed my mind, because I have realized that my... my passion throughout this whole thing, it's not van life. Van life allows me to live where I want to live, and not have to worry about paying for anything, because everything's payable. Which means that I can be creative without the pressure of insurmountable bills. Especially when I first started this journey. I enjoy the creativity. I love making videos. I love making films. I love being in front of the camera. I love being behind the camera. I don't know why I'm good at this stuff, but I am. And that is what I love. This is just... I know I've hopped on about van life and all that kind of stuff, because it is essentially the niche, especially to begin with. But I now refer to myself as... it's just a nomadic lifestyle. And I don't want to forever be this way, but I would like to remain nomadic as much as possible. Because, I mean, I would prefer... No, I wouldn't prefer, but I love the idea of moving around. And I was going to say hotels and that kind of thing, and that is up my alley. But at the same time, I just... I want to be a nomad. Just being able to shower every day would be quite nice. My dream is to make... is to do this just on a more secure level and in an environment where I can be pushed and work with my skin. And, you know, yeah, I'm really looking for somebody to push me to, you know, extract my mind, because she's a real powerhouse and I'm really ******* weird, but in a good way. Yeah, I'm really craving that. Somebody to juice my mind, you know? Because I do feel a little bit like I am one of those houseplants that is simply outgrowing its plot and is slowly yet surely suffocating itself with its own roots. I feel like that's a good representation of me. However, can you really outgrow your own mind? It's a fabulous question. Next. Do you have women friends who you spend time with regularly? No, I actually don't have friends. I mean, honestly, I don't have many friends at all, and I have made barely any friends, which is why I love having you guys, because you're a community and that kind of thing for me. But honestly, truthfully, I don't have many friends, because it's hard finding people like you. I mean, what about this is normal? And I love speaking to people of all kinds, but I refuse to have sort of ambivalent relationships and any of that kind of thing. And since we're on this topic, I have a lot of questions. Are you dating anybody? You're gonna die alone if you don't find somebody soon. Hopefully by the poetry at the beginning we could maybe sense some sort of something. But no, I don't date people. I don't actively search for it, although I feel lonely in my heart in a way. I kind of use creating things and films to kind of feel that way, and a lot of self-love and being in places that I love, trying to, you know, deal with that. But I've kept myself under a locking key my entire life. I haven't dated anybody, because as I said, I'm very specific and I don't, as I said, I don't want ambivalent relationships. I don't. I need something, someone with a mind that is interesting to help. Somebody who draws that out. Somebody who is just as crazy as I am, which I have found recently that it's taken 23 years. And as I said, yeah, I've kept myself under the locking key purely because most of my life I've been functioning as some sort of robot in some academic system, where I just kind of have always just kept myself locked down. I don't know why. Despite doing a lot of work on myself, I'm still not entirely sure why, but I think it's mostly because I'm, I just think differently. I always have done. I detect my vibration and very few people have a key, but when they do, they have a key and there is nothing I can do about that. So, um, you know, love's powerful. Passion. Life. ------- go with passion. Not. Meh. He's okay. They're okay. I love them. Yeah, they're nice. No. You're either in my soul or you're not. And, uh, so how to reach place. What are the top three no's to starting a YouTube channel as successful as yours? Thanks. Um, and I guess I've never really touched on that. Honestly, you either know if you're creative or not. If you love making videos and you love being on camera, and even if you don't even love it, but like it sort of, and you know that you're creative and that kind of thing, then you'll thrive on it because you, you love what you do. But if that's not you and you're more of a analytical type of person, it's going to be more tricky because it is not easy. They said when I first started out, I'm working six and a half days a week, 24, seven actually, to be honest. Um, but it's done out of and if you don't have that, then it's not gonna work. But if you do, you're good. How much was my van when I purchased her? Uh, 5,900. I don't literally, I don't, actually everybody starts with like a 30 or 50k van. I'm like, how in the Jesus did you afford that? I made my money off of food trucks, baby. I was working for eight pound an hour. Even now, I don't want to drop 50k on a van. Are you kidding me? Gloria has been amazing, but you know what? That is, that sounds judgmental. You know what? If you can do that, freaking great because I'm sure it is wonderful to have a van with air conditioning and all that kind of stuff. What do I really want to achieve? What I really want to achieve is originality in a world that is dead because I spend my time in old little towns looking like this, doing my thing, being creative, and it is gold dust because everywhere else feels like cardboard and makes me feel like cardboard and those people make me feel like cardboard because there is no to most things that are now being built in the world. Even creativity, come on, AI? I'm sure it is wonderful for so many things. Creativity is the one thing that is chronically human and it's getting taken over by computers. No, uh-uh. Bring back the old days, thank you very much. Hence my love for the 60s, 70s, 40s, 20s, 1800s, any other time. Any other time. But there are advantages to now so let's take advantage of it and change it for the better. Light-hearted question, do I like movies? Of course I like movies. Um, I don't watch much TV. I never have. I think one time my grandma, actually one of the last times I ever saw my I actually put, uh, like a TV program on in the background when we were having dinner together and she was like, I don't actually want to watch that, I just want to be present with you. And I was like, ****, she's so right. Why am I watching through a screen? It's like the same as concerts and all that kind of stuff when people just film. Stop it. Stop watching life through your phone and this comes from the girl who was a real life movie. I'm filming my life every week as if it's, it's, it's a movie where I don't even know the plot. I don't know anything and there's a sort of beauty to that but it's very kind of strange. I mean, I live in a van in old little towns and, uh, I actually genuinely do it as well, not just some kind of weird series. Like, I don't know how to put it but although I'm creative about everything I do, at the end of the day, it's real. It's a real life. My life is a real life. It's real and that's what I think is ******* cool. I have loads of questions I could spend all day answering and I have so much to say about everything because, yeah, I just do. But, you know, what do you have to say? What is your opinion on some of the things that I've said? Because nothing I say or you say or whatever is right or wrong or what it just is what is and if we can learn from each other and just have a space to express what we think then it's good. Does everybody feel like that? Do you feel like it's so difficult to attract the right people in your life or do you think creativity is dead? Do you think in the future everything's gonna be AI? Do you think the world's just gonna become robotic and lose all this kind of soul and what are you doing in your life? There are some questions for you guys. Leave a comment, you know? Let me know what you think. This is a bit of a deeper and different episode but I'm naturally evolving and I've been sort of scared to but that's what I must be. Oh, but I would also like to address the Gigi. She's always- she's just in the background. She's there. She's thriving. Literally, there was a rumor- a little rumor started that Gigi just died and I was like- I got loads of Instagram messages and I was like, what the ****? Like, you guys had me convinced that she was dead and she was just like right beside me. I was- it was kind of crazy but she's fine. She's fine. She's completely healthy and wonderful. She's just sleeping and doing her own thing because Gigi is fiercely independent like her mother and, uh, but no, she's- she's wonderful and, uh, thank you. Thank you for caring and, uh, she's- she's just- she's fine. All right, well, thank you so much for watching. I hope the things I've said have, like, added body to what I do and where I go and clips and things up.