Dave Chappelle Talks Harvey Weinstein and Louis CK Scandals _ Stand Up Comedy

Here we are, Los Angeles, the world capital of rape and dick breath. The **** has been going on out here? Keeps getting worse, but it's just where you think it can't get worse. They got Charlie Rose today. It's gonna be a quiet morning on the news tomorrow. Charlie Rose, who's next, Captain Kangaroo? Everybody is raping like hotcakes. I, for one, am starting to get worried. You know, I've been in the show business 30 years. I had no idea how much danger I was in. It's really some scary ----. I gotta tell you, Harvey Weinstein is probably the first person that I ever looked at a photograph of and was like, yeah, he rapes. I'm not sure this ************ has a choice. Not a handsome man. A lot of meat and extra skin on his face. Yeah, he's ugly. You know, the sad part is he's done so well in life. He probably doesn't know he's ugly. You know, when you're good looking, everybody will tell you, oh, you look wonderful. You're so great looking. But when you're ugly, you gotta figure that ---- out for yourself. It's a lot of putting clues together through the years. Why am I not getting in the club? I got all the right ----. If it was Brad Pitt doing that ----, you wouldn't have heard a peep. The girl would just come back down like, I got the part. Yeah. Yet, and yet, it is important that I acknowledge, ladies, you are absolutely right. There you go. They gotta all be mindful of that, guys, because this could happen to any of us. It happened to me. I can see that. I see myself showing up. Hi, I'm here for my 3 a.m. with Mr. Weinstein. Hey, Harvey, I got your text. I'm here to talk about the script. Seems like it's gonna be hard to read in candlelight, but I guess I could try. This sounds like a ******* nightmare. Could you imagine that ----? Could you imagine if he was in a business meeting and a ************ pulled their dick out in the middle of the meeting? I'd be like, yo. Yo, my man, this is the most unprofessional ---- I've ever seen in all my days. Just let me finish, Dave Chappelle. I'll put you in all three Lord of the Rings. Hurry up, nigga. I have other meetings to do. I have a 4.30 a.m. at Brett Ratner's house. I believe it's a wardrobe fitting. Wow. I mean, it is really bad out here, isn't it? Kevin Spacey's out here grabbing men by the pussy. I didn't even know that was possible. Jesus Christ. You got the guy from Star Trek, The Next Generation. That's the, uh, that's what we got. Last time, it sounds like he was more than that, but that's who set it off. He's 14 years old, and Kevin Spacey, costume at a party. Which I gotta say, by the way, for the record, I've been to a lot of parties in my day. Never been to a good one that had 14-year-old boys in it. Not even when I was 13, you know what I mean? Who wants to kick it with a bunch of Hubba Bubba chewing niggas like... Yuck. Ironically, the kid grew up to be gay anyway. Which means Kevin Spacey can sniff that ---- out like a truffle pit. Yeah, he's one of me. And not to victim blame, but it seems like the kind of situation that a gay 14-year-old would get himself into. I know I didn't say that right, but it's true, nigga. You know why I say that, though? I went to an arts high school, and like, all them niggas was gay, man. Like, in high school, all them dudes was gay. And them gay dudes was way more mature than the rest of us. And we didn't know why. We just knew they was mature. You ever see a gay dude at lunch? Perfect posture, nigga. Eating responsibly. Take that thermos out. He'd be like, what the **** is that? Is this nigga drinking wine with lunch? We didn't know what it was. Because we were young boys. We were just trying to figure out who we were. And we didn't realize these gay dudes was fighting to be who they knew they already were. Some impressive ----. They were fearless to gay kids. ------- fearless. I've never seen a scared gay dude in my life. What kind of man has no fear? He'd be tied up in a hostage situation with a gay dude. Them niggas would still be like, I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty, David. I need something to drink. Well, then shoot me. I would rather die of a bullet than dehydration, nigga. I am thirsty. I need some water. All jokes aside, Kevin Spacey shouldn't have done that ---- to that kid. He's 14 years old. And was forced to carry a grown man's secret for 30 years. Jesus Christ. He must have been busting at the seams with that one. The saddest part is, if he were able to carry that secret for six more months, I would get to know how House of Cards ends. Yep, ladies and gentlemen, these are dark, dark, dark times. New York Times said that Louis C.K. jizzed on his own stomach. You know, I've busted a lot of nuts in my day. None of them were newsworthy. Shit was really gross. Because they didn't just say it like I said it. They didn't just say jizz on the stomach. They said it in that ******* Pulitzer Prize winning style that the New York Times has. It was very descriptive. Like, you know what I mean? Louis C.K.'s semen shot out like a volcano of misogyny. Slowly drizzling down like lava. Covering his freckled penis. As it slowly dripped to a fiery crown of red hair. Jesus Christ, I'm trying to eat some Waybull's Rancheros with these niggas. And you know the tough part being a comedian, knowing the motherfuckers, everybody comes up to me like, did you know? Did you know what Louis was doing? No, bitch, I did not know. The **** you think we talk about at the comedy club? Hey nigga, how was the weekend? Great, man. I was just jerking off and faces and coming on my own stomach, having a good time. You know how this business is. No, I didn't know. They act like we sit around like grease. Tell me more, tell me more. Dixie poured up a fight. Sorry, I don't know the choreography, but you get the point. You get the point. She was intense. But Louis was like the turning point. I mean, you know, all these allegations are terrible. Louis was the only... I shouldn't say this, but **** it. His allegation was the only one that made me like laugh. I mean, if you think about it, it was all his friends reading it and he's jerking off and he's surprising people. He surprised me. That's the picture of all the comics and comedy just reading it like... It's terrible. I know it's terrible. I'm sorry, ladies. You're right. You are right. But at the same time, I mean, you know what I mean, I don't know. Jesus Christ, they took everything from Louis. I was like, it might be disproportionate. I can't tell. This is like where it's hard to be a man. One lady said, Louis C.K. masturbating in front of me ruined my comedy dreams. Word. Well, then I dare say, madam, you may have never had a dream. Come on, man, that's a brittle spirit. That is a brittle-ass spirit, nigga. That ---- is too much. This is a grown-ass woman. You know what this ---- is like? It's like COINTELPRO. You know what that is? It's a program that the FBI had on J. Edgar Hoover. In this program, one of the many things they did was they would track the sexual habits of anyone they considered an enemy of the state. It was a lip button. That's why they got all these ******* sex tapes with Martin Luther King ******* bitches. But lucky for us, he actually had a dream. You think if Louis C.K. jerked off in front of Dr. King, he'd be like, I can't continue this movement. I'm sorry, but the freedom of black people must be stopped. I didn't know this nigga was gonna pull his dick out and jerk off like this. I just thought we were gonna get a couple of drinks and chill. Show business is just harder than that. Them women just sounded like, I hate to say it, y'all just sounded weak. I know it sounds fucked up. I'm not supposed to say that. But one of these ladies was like, Louis C.K. was masturbating while I was on the phone with him. Bitch, you don't know how to hang up a phone? How the **** are you going to survive in show business if this is an actual obstacle to your dreams? I know Louis is wrong, ma'am. I'm just saying I'm held to a higher standard of accountability than these women are. Don't forget who I am. Don't forget what I am. I am a black dude.