Insane Police Roasts _ Max Amini _ Stand-up Comedy

You're police officers? Shit! Remind me your name? Hussein. Dispatch, dispatch, emergency. How bad is the situation? It's a really bad situation. Everyone's killing everyone. They're shooting. Send Hussein. Hussein, are you available? Allahu akbar, I am available. What is happening? They're all killing each other. Perfect, I can take care of it. I am made for this. Like, what's your position? I work at the headquarter. You work at the headquarter? Get the **** out of here. I'm so proud of you, dude. You're such a good police that the police is like, don't waste this guy in the car driving in the LA traffic. Put him in the headquarter. He can tell you how the khokhok think and then we send the other white people to go pick him up. Look, the black girl is nervous as **** right now. She's like, man, I go to a show, police right next to me. Now she's going to complain, this motherfucking show was racist. One black girl in the whole theater, police officer right next to me. He's a nice officer. He's Hussein. Why did you wear a three-piece suit, man? You're making me feel underdressed. Well, you look great. You're a handsome guy. I mean, look, the guy next to you came in pajamas. Does your lady make you wear a suit? Or was it your idea? It was her idea? No, she says it wasn't my idea. Both of you lied. This relationship not so good so far. What's your name? Justin. Well, Justin, next time, just wear something cool and casual, yeah? Suit and tie for a white guy in the front is intimidating. I swear, I'm not kidding. You look like an FBI agent. Stand up. Let everybody see this handsome guy and see if I'm kidding. Turn around, turn around. FBI agent Justin. Remember his face. Oh, no ******* way. Dude, show your badge to everybody. Show the badge. Look at this ----. Yo, dude, let's celebrate tonight because this is the night tomorrow you're going to find out you're fired. You're like, what did he do? That is so cool, man. Respect. Okay. Next time, DC, you come to my show. Everybody, suit and tie. How tall are you? 6'6". 6'6"? That's like three Persians on top of each other. You play sports? Hockey? 6'6"? Did your stick touch the ground? What do you do now? What do you do for the government? I work. Immigration? So, buddy, you're not here for the show. You're on an assignment. You're the loudest Indian in the world, by the way. Oh, there you are. These lights are so heavy. What's your name? Mandy. Oh, Mandy. Oh, that's easy. Mandy. Okay, what kind of Indian drugs are you on? You're very intense for an Indian. You sure you're Indian or you're a white girl pretending you're Indian? I've not seen one Indian in my entire life act like you. Mandy, you're actually fun. Don't get offended yet, but you're crazy. No, sit down the whole time. This is not a rock and roll concert. You did not have to do some ecstasy before you come to the show. I bet you she doesn't have a job, this one. You have a job? You're a cop? Is that what she said? She's a cop? Oh, ----. Are you really a cop or are you just multiple personality disorder? Are you playing cop right now? Are you really a police officer? How did you pass the exam? The psychological exam. How did you do that ----? I mean, I cannot believe you became a cop. You're too excited. You're going to kill somebody. Can you imagine somebody not listening to this one? I will get arrested. Put your hands on the ground, bitch. You look like the strongest man on earth. Like the guys that pull the trucks and ----, dude. What do you guys do? Are you into sports or something? No. You're cops? You're police officers. How incredible. Turn around and see how nervous the Iraqi guy is behind you. I want to complain to the manager of the comedy club. Why would you put the cops in the front? This is too intimidating. I bet you the comedy club looked up the comedian like, God, this guy is a Persian comedian. Let's call the police station. Oh, my God. Such a great honor to have you guys, man. You said Mark, right? Mark in? Marcus. Is this a joke? Mark and Marcus? You guys look at him. Officer Mark! Officer Marcus! We're always together. This is the best duo. You guys patrol the same car? Same unit? No? That would have been the best. Are you not from here? It's not your jurisdiction. **** you! Taking this ---- way too seriously. It's not their jurisdiction. So, where are you guys from? Washington State. Washington State? That's a cool place. Okay, Washington State. So, you're on vacation? No. On an assignment? Really? Are you guys bounty hunters? Are you here to catch me? Who paid you? Be honest. Do you have any warrants? Warrants? Of course. I'm Persian. I have so many. I don't know how many warrants. In what state? This is the best. Mark and Marcus. This is the best. So, you're on an assignment right now in Austin. But why would they send you from... Are you allowed to talk about it? Really? Well, first of all, thanks for being so open about it, you know? What kind of prisoner is he? It's a she. It's a she? I got nervous because my ex-girlfriend is in the prison here. Please take that bitch away. Wow, they sent two big-ass cops? She must be a badass. Right? What did she do? She burned down the church. Hold on one second, Iraqi guy. Was it your sister? I want to find out. He's like, well, I'm not sure. My sister does not like the church. We told her, go to church. Maybe they give you green card. She did not like it. She burned down the church. Well, I wonder what happened in the church, yeah? I mean, has she been on trial yet? No? Ah, okay, okay. And did you guys investigate who the priest is at the church? No? I mean, there might be something there. Nobody wakes up in the morning, I want to burn down the church. But some people wake up, they're like, when I was 12, oh ----. I have some flashback. F*** that church. Next thing you know, you're in Austin hiding and ----. You work out all the time, yeah? You're Aussie? Yeah. What's your name? Cooper. Cooper? That's a dog's name. That's cute. Cooper! That's really sweet. She's beautiful. Huh? Look the other way. Are you jealous? Oh, really? You weren't jealous until you met her. Why is that? She's not as beautiful as her. Oh, okay. She's the most beautiful to you. I love how you guys clap it. You know what he said? No one was as beautiful as her. Just because Cooper was dating a bunch of ugly chicks, it doesn't mean he wasn't jealous. He's the same jealous asshole. He finally got one hot chick. He's like, hey man, don't look at her. And you look at her too long, he starts biting you. What do you do? Federal police. I just want to really quickly apologize for everything I said. Officer, mad respect. Thank you so much. Can you bail me out tonight? But I'm not going to lie, from the bottom of my heart, that's probably the sexiest thing I heard tonight. You get home, you're like, here's my handcuff. Cooper, you're under arrest. Get down to your knees, boy. You work for 911? No. The lady was going, hi, please send the police. What's the matter? I'm getting robbed! Does he have a gun? No, he's got a knife! Well, okay then. You'll be just fine. The cops are on their way. They'll be there tomorrow morning. That's a tough job, seriously. Give her a big round of applause. This woman saves lives. Tammy, tell us one of your stories. One of your crazy calls. Hello, 911? Yes, how can I help you? What's the number for emergency? 911. I know, I called 911. I want the emergency card. It's 911. I called 911! What is the 911 for the 911? It's 911. Oh, it's 911? Okay, I'll call you when I have emergency. What's up, buddy? Give some love to the police in the house, everybody. Give some love to my boy Leo in the house. You're so nice. We actually got the police to escort us when we landed. And he was so kind. First, I didn't know what was going on. I thought I got arrested. And he was like, hey man, I'm here to escort you guys. I'm like, where? You can never straight up talk your feelings with a police officer. You know what I mean? Like when they come to your window, like driving by, you can't never just say how you feel. You're just like... And immediately you have to think of a miserable situation. Okay, who died? Maybe I'm dying. What kind of disease do I have? I'm going to the hospital. The walk the cop gets out of his car to your car, that's only like 18 seconds. You have to figure this ---- out. But I always wanted to just say what I wanted to say. Leo, can we try it? This is not to you, but this is like, because you know how to do the thing. I'm going to pretend I'm driving. And when I do the cop sound, you just ask the question. Drive it like the regular thing. This is how the conversation that I would like... This is how I would like it to go. I'm driving. I sound like a chicken right now. Take two. Worst siren ever. Pull over, pull over. I'm going to roll down the window. Yes, officer. Sir. F*** you. Buddy, you should try it next time you get pulled over. F*** ever, my gift to you.