Detransition & Betrayal: My Story

Okay, so, you know, this whole conference has been really interesting because there's, everyone's speaking on the harms that are being done. How can we prevent the harm? How can we prevent our kids from being harmed? There's, our kids have been harmed. Is there any way for them to de-transition? And I think, well, I'm a de-transitioner. So, and I've made the valiant attempt to understand the psychology of de-transition. So, just about me, that's my Twitter icon. I de-transitioned in 2019 at the age of 22. So, I've been speaking out publicly, as some of you might know, and I've been also studying this intellectually, socially, talking to peers for the last five years. And so, my observations and calculations and articulations in this presentation are due to those five years of study, not just from my own self as a case study, personally, but from all the peers that I've interacted with, all the parents, all the people like Vincent. I got a lot of my neuroses from him. Some of them helped, too. So, I'm going to go through a little bit of my case study, just to show archetypal de-transition story. So, that's me as a little kid. I was destined to make some psychedelic rainbow art, clearly, in my future. But, you know, just a kid. And the next one is me at 18. I was non-binary, queer-identified, about to come out as transgender shortly after. And how did I go from that kid to this depressed individual? Well, it's all in my memoir, but I have to buy that a little later when I get that out. But the synopsis, I was diagnosed on the autism spectrum when I was 11. Polycystic ovary syndrome at 11 as well. Some of our hormones were a little wacky. And I also experienced chronic verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse from my father, as well as gaslighting and emotional neglect about the abuse, pretty much for over a decade with my family. And so, I was traumatized. Didn't know that for a long time. And I came out as trans and queer. Found gender ideology on Tumblr and in my school. And I immediately latched onto it. And so, that is me when I was trans-identified. I actually look pretty cool there. A little funky, a little proto-funk with the jazz there. That's when I was 19. So, I wanted to be a gay man. I don't know if that really worked based on those aesthetics there. And I was making an effort. And then, the next photo, I've never publicly shared that one. But I'm sharing it now because that was immediately after my mutilation, my medical mutilation. And this is kind of the elephant in the room. This is what we want to avoid. But this is what is happening. This is what is my life. I live with this. This person is alive in my body. Not a healthy person. I got testosterone at 19. And although I was suicidal throughout, abusing drugs, substances, major complex trauma going on, I was approved through the medical pipeline. We all know the gender industrial complex. At 20, that happened to me. And then, this even more depressed-looking individual. I have a lot of sympathy and love for her, you know. But she didn't really get loved, you know, properly. But that was me at 22, shortly before I detransitioned. I detransitioned at 22 when I was diagnosed with PTSD. From childhood abuse, from relational abuse, and from the transition itself. This was the third party that said I had more PTSD from the transition. And then, that is me about a year and a half later. I had already psychologically detransitioned. But I was still going through some transcendent processes. So, the point here is to show, yes, there's a case study. Yes, I'm living proof of this. But my aim and focus is only on the psychological. There's so much focus on the medical and the social. But what does it really mean to detransition psychologically? To understand that, we have to understand what is the psychological state of transition. And there's many definitions. There's many lies. So, I want to be very clear and articulate with my definition. My definition of transition is the act of coping with psychological discomfort about being a male or female through body modifications, like hormones and surgery, to aesthetically mimic and socially be treated as the opposite sex. And why, you know, what is the name of this condition? Gender dysphoria, right? We've had much discussion this conference. What is it? What should we use this term? This is how I define that experience. The psychological distress a man or woman feels when they are unhappy about their biological sex and their sex role. The two components to that, the physical, which is sex dysphoria. They hate their bodies and their sex traits. And sociocultural, social dysphoria. They hate how they're being treated and perceived by others. And so, the underlying core motivation for stepping on a limb, but all transition, these are the core motivations. They want to feel better about their bodies. They want to be treated better by others. And they just want to like themselves better. The fortunate thing is this is vague and subjective because what does better mean, right? I mean, it's good objectively that they have this life force that they do want to be better somehow. And the transition, well, they hope it's a fantasy that it will be better. But it is a psychological fantasy. The core motivation that I want to emphasize for transition is the belief and the fixation, the limiting belief that my body is the problem. All discomfort is blamed on the body. All interpersonal struggles are blamed on the body. All self-loathing is blamed on the body. So, therefore, the rationale is changing the body will make me happy. And so, now, detransition, what does it mean to detransition? If that is the motivation for transition, my body is the problem. Detransition as I define it, when someone who identified as transgender got medical treatment, including hormones and surgery, accepts and returns to living as their biological sex. And similar for desistance, but without the interventions. So, the core, it seems a little obvious, right? If the core motivation is my body is the problem, I must change it to be happy or be treated better by others. The key psychological, what is the reason? Why do people detransition? Because they realize and become aware that my body wasn't the problem. It seems very obvious, but it takes a long time to get to this point. The transition fantasy was that the biological sex causes all discomfort. Therefore, modifying it will make me feel better about myself and be treated better. A person begins to detransition psychologically without any other physical changes or anything else. They begin to detransition when regardless of the surgical or social failure or a success, whether they pass or not, or any other factor, they realize there were other issues. I know it seems very obvious, but there were other issues. They understand that transition did not solve their underlying problems related to the self-loathing and social struggles. In other words, transition was not a panacea for self-improvement. This is when the grief process begins. To understand what happens during detransition, I know there's a lot of clinicians here. This is why I really wanted to emphasize this part of the presentation because I think there's a lot of taboos and really empathy and pity and grief and sensitivity around detransitioners, but I think a lot of people are still kind of not in a phobic way, but afraid to address people like myself and other detransitioners just because it seems so overwhelming. It seems so unique, such a hyper-political, cultural tragedy, and it is. My point is, as you'll see in the next slides, detransition is ultimately an existential process. It is a grief process. I really want clinicians and everyone else here to understand detransition through the lens of grief in a humanistic manner and to get away from the political side of things and the narratives and the metanarratives that, existentially, it is psychologically like any other form of grief. There's the phases of grief, the stages. Denial is a defense against pain, initial disbelief and rejection of the reality of the pain and shock and awe. These are people that are going to say statements like, well, no, I am truly trans. There are some people that aren't, but I'm truly trans. They're in denial. They're going to say, well, I mean, maybe I have some medical complications, but ultimately transition saves my life. And they're going to say, yeah, like this maybe didn't have the best outcome or had some issues, but I don't regret it. Oh, I definitely don't regret it. And then anger. Anger is a defense against harm that was done when you realized that your boundaries were violated or that you violated your own boundaries. They might not even know they even have boundaries. I didn't. Boundaries are a good friend to have. But there's a realization that there was some kind of victimization. There was some kind of injustice. And they're feeling overwhelming regret for being disempowered. So, these are going to be statements in the detransition and grief process. Like, I can't believe I believed a lie. Like, I did that. It's self-anger. I believed a lie. How could it be so stupid? My body is ruined. I did this. I let myself be destroyed. You know, it's this rage against the self and against the injustice and the boundary violations. And the next is bargaining. Bargaining is a defense against the overwhelming loss. So, bargaining is the kind of mix of anger, denial, and sadness and depression. There's a lot of irrational thinking. It's just a complete emotional overwhelm. But trying to begin to cognitively process it. So, there's a lot of if-only scenarios. A lot of, like, fantastical thinking. Well, if only I had a better surgeon, then, you know, I wouldn't be in this position, you know? And a lot of bargaining, like, well, yeah, I had a hysterectomy, but I didn't really want kids anyway, you know? And I didn't, you know, consented to that at the time. So, I guess it's okay if I lost my fertility. I didn't really want it anyway. And then this one's very common. When people first detransition, almost every time I've heard this, well, transition wasn't right for me, but it still helps other people. And you'll hear a lot of that. That's an activist talking point. It's a trans activist talking point. But a lot of detransitioners echo this when, you know, they'll be like, well, I'm not like those right-wing conservative bigot detransitioners, like Laura Becker, the funk god Nazi. But, you know, it still helps other people. Stop making it all about your experience. This is bargaining. It's just overwhelming. There's not rational thought occurring. And then depression. It's just overwhelming sadness and despair, hopelessness and suicidality, and then maybe numbness, disassociation, as Vincent said, using weed and other drugs, like just checking out because it's so painful. And these are going to hear these very depressed statements. Well, because I transitioned, I have nothing to live for, and there is no future for me. I was stupid enough to ruin my life by transition, and so I must deserve this pain. I was stupid. You know, there's also obviously a lot of gaslighting that happens, like, well, you chose it. You were an adult. You were 19. You were whatever. You signed the papers. So, there's a lot of that already in the trans community and media. It's very easy for a depressed person to internalize that they actually deserve that. But I can't believe this happened, not in a disbelief, a denial way, but in a way that's just so overwrought with inconsolable sadness. I will never be a normal man or woman. I am ruined forever. And then acceptance. I love acceptance. It's a pain in the ass to get to over and over again. But what is acceptance? I think this is what it is. You're no longer in shock or denial. You start to make sense of the loss in a way that at least has some rationality, and this is critical. You start making plans for the future. And so, some acceptance statements when a person is in this kind of phase of detransitioning, you know, well, holy ----. I am a woman. I am a man. I am a male. I am a female. I always was a woman. It seems very obvious, right? But when you're in this, there's moments for me when I was just like, I was 22, and I was diagnosed with PTSD, and I started to change my identity from trans man or queer to traumatized woman, abused girl. No one wants to be an abused girl. No one wants to be a traumatized woman. It's a fantasy escape. But when I started to accept, I always was a girl. Was never not. And then what happened to me was wrong, or I'll say fucked up. It was fucked up. But I am alive. Damn, you know? But I am able to heal. So, this is, you know, no one really talks like this last statement here, but that's a summarization. And then I did include this graphic here of what looks like a spiral. A lot of times, we think of these things as spiraling. We're spiraling out of control. And when it's happening, you feel like you're going to die. You're so terrified. But really, it's actually a coil. As Vincent said, it's a cycle. You are cycling through these stages of grief constantly over and over for the rest of your life. And it's a healing cycle of life, death, and rebirth. So, then this is a question I get asked a lot. You guys make it really easy for me when you ask me this. Why do people detransition? Well, again, they realize their body isn't the problem. That's the core awakening. That is the core awareness. The body is not the problem. They still have underlying issues. Living a lie is exhausting. As Vincent said, everyone, this is a shared sentiment that I've heard from 100% of detransitioners that I've spoken to. And you can see it in trans videos. They'll say, it's just so hard to be trans. There's such a physical toll on the body. But thinking exclusively psychologically, living a lie is exhausting. It's a lot easier to live with the truth. I mean, it's really hard, but it's easier. And avoiding that creates and compounds original problems. So, these are some common underlying issues. I'm sure these are not unfamiliar to people, but these are all of the major categories that I've observed within the detrans population. And you can maybe screen grab that. But bodily trauma, maybe there's either a real physical ailment with the body or there's a projected body dysmorphia or sexual abuse is projected on the body. There's attachment issues. This is really big. Familial alienation. It doesn't matter why it occurred. If there's familial alienation going on in your family, that is your duty as a parent to rectify that. I know that's a tough pill to swallow. I've swallowed some weird ass pills. They're very tough. Not right now. I'm sober now. But insecure attachment is formed. Doesn't matter why it was formed. I know it's very difficult as a parent or caregiver to accept when a child is not attached to you properly. That is the core of a lot of these issues. And it just spirals continually. Other mental health issues, trauma, depression, borderline personality disorder. It might just be developmental. They're literally just going through puberty. That might be the issue. They're literally just a child going through puberty. They are young. And Peter Pan syndrome, right? There's an avoidance of adulthood. It can be very tempting to avoid responsibility. Autism. I know there's a lot of autistic people here. And that's going to cause extreme issues with sensory relationship to the body. How they process social, emotional, relating. And just autistic people in general are nonconforming. I thought I was gender nonconforming. I was just nonconforming in general. Which can work out if you can get in the right environment. Like these eclectic weirdos here. But in the wrong environment, you're going to feel like there's something wrong with you. And then, of course, sexual confusion, both with lesbians and gay men and with straight people. There's a lot of straights. There might be some controversy here, but I believe in the current cohort, it's primarily heterosexuals that are transitioning at this point. And then just to highlight, all these in green, these are all the issues that I had. These were all the underlying issues. There's a lot of them. There's a lot of them. Yeah, I know. And these were all the issues that I needed help with that were neglected. And transition, you can guess what percentage transition helped with this. It's 0%. And so, quickly, how do I support someone who's detransitioning as a client, a friend, a parent, a kid that you want to detransition, or yourself? You're questioning trans identity. If you just started to awaken and realize my body wasn't the problem, what is kind of the advice that I can give in this brief amount of time? My key here is, remember, some issues are transition-specific, namely the physical ones. But most are universal human problems. You looked at that list of all those problems? Those aren't trans person problems. Those aren't detrans person problems. Those are human problems. So, remember, it is existential. Yes, existentialism. Good. Rock out. So, you may have been sold gender snake oil, to put it bluntly, but you are still just like any other trauma survivor. You are not especially fucked up. So, the good news is you don't need to reinvent the wheel to heal. Yes. Detransition is similar to other forms of complex grief. If you understand detransition as a grief process, you realize that there's many, many forms of grief. The cycles are the same. The hero's journey is the same. It doesn't matter if you have gone to extreme lengths of genital mutilation. It is still the same core psychological mechanisms. And there are many resources to deal with pain. And pain is existential. The bad news is that trust in healing professionals has been betrayed. And that can be true of other survivors as well, of course. But specifically in this population, there is a betrayal trauma. They're going to be very unlikely to seek out help. And part of the reason I'm having this presentation is because we all want to help detransitioners. But a lot of detransitioners feel this sense of distance, feel not an infinite judgment. There might be a well-intentioned clinician that's not but they feel as if they're being treated as some kind of oddity or some kind of freak show or some kind of special. The last thing that they're going to want is to be treated as some kind of special or sacred, uniquely fucked up person. They just want to feel better about themselves. And they're really scared to trust. So, you have to address that there's a betrayal trauma and that most resources for grief in general won't specifically even know what detransition is. And so, it's obviously fundamental and vital to have groups like Vincent and Gen Specs and all these people. And I will say Vincent and Stella O'Malley are pretty much the reason that I'm here today. These two people and Gen Specs. So, please. Because there is an alienation and loss of support. If you like that trauma stuff, you're going to love this. So, I'm still working on it. But this is my memoir, Surviving the Trans Myth. Okay. Transcendence. And these are my contacts. Contact me. Reach out. Anything. I'm sorry. I don't have time for questions. I had to trauma dump a little. Didn't get to the questions. But thanks, everybody.