Attachment Theory: How To Develop A Secure Parent Child Relationship

Hi everyone, I'm Dr. Selena Benavides. Today's video is about healthy parent-child relationships. I'll be discussing how early caregiver relationships can have an impact on a child throughout their life and how you can ensure that you're developing a secure attachment with your children. First, a little bit about the science behind why the caregiver bond is so important. In the 60s, psychologist John Bowlby observed that the parent-child relationship had long-lasting effects on a child's social and emotional development. Mary Ainsworth's research further supported the work of John Bowlby by determining that the amount and type of care, warmth, love, and protection from the parent to the child determine the type of attachment relationship that's formed. Starting in childhood, if we can trust that our caregivers will meet our basic needs like providing food, water, and protection, and that they'll continually give us love, affection, and connect with us emotionally, then we'll develop a secure attachment. However, if they're inconsistent in meeting our needs, maybe sometimes they're present for us emotionally and other times they're not, or they might be disengaged or distant from us, then we might develop an insecure, anxious, or an insecure-avoiding attachment. The attachment relationship between the child and caregiver becomes a working model that sets the stage for how we give and receive affection in adulthood. It even has implications for our work relationships, our friendships, and our self-esteem. There are many benefits associated with having a secure attachment. Children who are securely attached are more likely to have higher self-esteem, better regulate their emotions, better able to problem solve and seek support when needed, they perform better in school, have healthier relationships, and are less likely to be aggressive or exhibit anxiety. I also have to share that I love the topic of attachment so much that we even named our dog Bowlby after one of the founders of attachment theory. So, what steps can you take to develop a secure attachment with your children? I have four strategies, but before I share, I want to give a reminder that developing a secure attachment really depends on how often and how consistently you engage in these behaviors. The first strategy is being responsive. This means listening to and responding to your child's needs. For example, you want to create a safe space where your child can feel free to express what they're feeling and show them that you'll listen and respond appropriately. This helps build trust and forges a deeper connection. You can do this by validating when children are feeling different emotions and offering support and comfort during those challenging moments. This is what will help strengthen the attachment relationship. The second strategy is consistency. Consistency is key and there's two aspects to this. The first part is not only being consistently physically present, but also emotionally present as well. Because sometimes we can be in the same room as children, but are we on our phones or are we disengaged in the activity that they're doing? The second aspect of consistency is establishing consistent routines. When children know what to expect and they can rely on you for structure, they feel more secure. And in turn, this promotes greater autonomy and exploration. The next strategy is providing unconditional love and care. Children need to feel secure in knowing that you'll continually love and care for them unconditionally. So whether they throw a tantrum or bring home a bad test grade, it's really important that you communicate that your love does not depend on their behavior, their achievements or anything else. Quite literally, unconditional love means that your love is without conditions. It is ever present. The fourth strategy is in regards to separations. You want to assist in helping manage healthy separations. Of course, there are going to be times when you have to be separated from your children to go to work, school, or even run an errand. Some children are going to be more comfortable with separations, while others may be more anxious. And there's a few things you can do to help your children with these transitions. First, you want to prepare your child for what's happening in advance and affirm that you'll be back later to see them. You also want to follow an established routine for parting so that they know when and what to expect. Third, you want to give a brief but loving goodbye. And finally, when you're reunited, you want to make sure you have time to reconnect. Some children need a little bit longer to cuddle and embrace and share about their day. To recap, the attachment bond we form with our children has a lifelong implication. And the most important things that we can do to ensure that we're developing a secure attachment with our children is making sure that we're being responsive to their needs, consistently showing up in their lives and providing structure, offering unconditional love and support, and helping children prepare for and cope with separations. Thanks so much for watching today. Please be sure to like, subscribe, and hit the notification bell to be alerted of future videos.