My First Girlfriend Was Deaf

I picked D.C. to do the special because it just brings back a lot of old memories, man, like, like I was, um, yeah, because I was, I lived here for a few years. I was in the Navy, but it was my first duty station, so my 18 to 21 years was in D.C., and I remember the first time, first time I went to a nightclub was in D.C. I'll never forget it. I got here on a, on a, on a Monday, and then we went to a nightclub on a Friday. I'd never been to a nightclub before. I walk in, and I start dancing with this girl, and, uh, you know, I didn't know she was, um, she was deaf, you know, because she went to Gallaudet University, which is a deaf college in D.C., and I didn't know she was deaf when I met her because she was dancing, you know, and that was, that was the best back then because when I got to D.C., you're talking about the mid-90s, not everybody had cell phones. That's when you had to go out on Friday, Saturday night as a dude, and you really had to meet a female, you know, because there wasn't no follow-up, you know, there wasn't no, there wasn't no social media, there wasn't no DMs or nothing like that, and that's when you're, and I like girls that was dancing. That's why I started talking, well, I didn't talk, but that's how I met that deaf girl. I like, because I didn't want girls at the bar. I wanted girls that was dancing nightclub because, you know, I loved it when a girl would bend over and start shaking her ass because that was my move just to get behind her, you know, that was actually the first DM. That was a dick message, and fellas, though, that was the best feeling. You get behind a girl, you don't even know if she's bent over, you just get behind her. Hey, what's up? I'm Gary, and that was the best when she looks back, see who's grinding on her and kind of gives you the approval. What? Oh, how you doing, Gary? I'm Cheryl. All right, good meeting you, Cheryl, and I wasn't a jerk about it. Like, if you don't want me grinding on you, I just kept it moving. There's other girls dancing. I go right on that line. Get behind the girl. Hey, what's up? Get away. Cool. Hey, what's up? Shit, you thought I was in Dru Hill back then. Tell me what you want, but that's what happened with the deaf girl. I didn't know she was deaf. I go to the nightclub. She's sitting there. She bends over. She's dancing. I just did my move. I got behind her. I was like, hey, what's up? I'm Gary, and she looked back and smiled and backed her ass into me, but she ain't say nothing. I was like, oh, you shy. Okay, but then she kept backing me up. Pretty soon she had me against the wall. We're not the best fellas. When a girl backs you against the wall, she grinding on your ----. You stuck on the wall like Spider-Man hit you with a web and ----, but it was very confusing because she's grinding on me, but she's not talking to me, you know, but my homeboys are talking to me, so I'm talking to them, but I'm trying not to lose focus of that ass either. It was 15 minutes of multitasking. It was not an easy night because my boys was like, Gary, what's up with that girl? I was like, ************, I don't know. She finally, after like five songs, she grabbed my hands, walked me over to the bar. She grabbed a napkin and a pen from the bartender, and she wrote down, I'm deaf. So my first thought was, how was you dancing? Because she was on beat. So she had explained me on this napkin, all the deaf kids at Gallaudet, they went to this one particular nightclub on purpose because they had a big dance floor, but they had a side room and the side room had very low ceilings, very compact walls. So all the deaf kids would go to this particular nightclub because they could go to this room and they could feel the vibrations and the beats coming off the wall. But she explained all this to me on a napkin. It's like three paragraphs. So I'm looking at this ---- like, I know she don't think I'm about to write her back. Like I said, this is where everybody had cell phones. Because then the next thing she wrote was, can I get your number? I wrote down, why? She wrote, I could call you. I was like, ooh, I kind of want to hear this. So I gave her my number. Two days later, I'm in the barracks. Phone rings. And I don't know if anybody here has ever gotten a phone call from the TTY Hearing Impaired Network. I didn't know what this ---- was. If you've never got a phone call from them, it's very prison-esque the first time they call. Because the phone rang. I picked it up and it was, hi, my speaker Gary Owen. I go, this is he. Hi, this is so-and-so from the TTY Hearing Impaired Network. Are you familiar? I said, I am not. She said, OK, this is how it works. You talk, I type. As you're talking, I'll be typing. It'll go to her computer. She'll type back. I'll read you her response. You can respond accordingly. I said, simple enough. Takes about 15, 20 minutes to get the hang of it. Now me and her are having a pretty good conversation. Then my dumb ass decides to crack a joke. Here's the problem with that. When you crack a joke, you need people to laugh immediately. That lets you know the joke is funny. That's not what happened here. I hit the joke. It's like two minutes later, the operator comes back. Ha. Ha. Your turn. Fucked up the joke now. But I couldn't get her clearance to come on the base. So every time we'd have to hang out, I'd have to go to her campus. And I don't know if anyone's been to Gallaudet's campus. That is a quiet campus. If you just want to be alone with your thoughts or write a novel, go there. But I'd always be in her dorm room hanging out, and I'd always catch myself whispering. One day I was like, why the **** am I whispering? Anybody can hear me on the whole floor. I could be yelling my ass off right now. But like I said, she was on the volleyball team. So I used to always go see her volleyball games. And that was cool, but it was different. I'd never been to a sporting event that quiet. And it was female volleyball, so smaller college, so it wasn't very crowded. But man, I'd never been to a gym that silent for a sporting event. It was so quiet in the gym, I could hear the scoreboard changing scores. I didn't realize the scoreboard made noises. I thought I had a tick in my brain for a minute. I'm just sitting here, ta-tank. So let me explain why we broke up after four months. She asked me to go to a men's basketball game with her. I said, yeah, of course I'll go. So we go. We walk into the gym. The exact same gym I sat and played volleyball in numerous times. Now it's packed. Got to be at least a thousand deaf kids in the gym. You know, still pretty quiet, because they don't clap. They do ---- like this, you know. Halfway through the first half, this one brother on Gallaudet steals the ball, dribbles down the court, and does a windmill dunk. Ka-tank! Okay. Deaf people, their vocal cords work. They just don't know how to use them. So when this brother dunked the ball, a thousand deaf kids reach below their chairs, and they grab these Coke cups. You get a basketball and football games, and they hold it up to their mouth, and they scream the most god-awful noise you'll ever hear in your life into this cup. You got to warn a ************ this is about to happen, by the way. You can't have me in total silence for four months. And at a left field, a thousand deaf people at the exact same time scream into these cups. My girl was the loudest one. She lead the charge. I broke up with her that night. I did, but it's not for the reasons you think. I know you're probably thinking, Gary, that's an asshole move. How could you do that? No, that is not why I broke up with her. I broke up with her, because when I went to that men's basketball game with her, we had already had sex five or six times. Never heard her make that noise. I didn't know she had the ability to make that noise. Listen, the most I ever got out of her was, but I thought it was really deep. I never got close to her. Listen, she's a sweet young lady. I had to let that butterfly fly.