Breaking Down Communication Barriers Angela Graves TEDxEvansville

Okay, go ahead and kick off your shoes. You know, there are no frogs on my dad's farm. That is to say, he believes there are no frogs. And there's no doubt that our beliefs are highly influenced by our perceptions. We'll believe it when we see it, or hear it. My dad's been hearing impaired for a very long time, nearly 40 years, and there are some sounds he doesn't hear. One of those sounds is frog song. If he doesn't hear them, he's not going to look for them. And if he doesn't look for them, he won't see them. And if he doesn't see them, for him, they're not there. Oh, he used to have frogs. Other people have frogs. Frogs are really good to have around. They eat mosquitoes, and who doesn't love that? It's really kind of unfair that my dad doesn't get to have frogs. Hearing loss has taken other things from my dad. The most obvious is the ability to have a conversation. Conversation on the phone, conversation in the car, in the church fellowship hall, around the dinner table. You get the idea. Conversation is where we learn to communicate. We learn to build community. Webster defines communication as a sharing of ideas. Sharing is a two-way street. We speak, we listen. My dad no longer has those conversational skills that he once had. Oh, now, don't get me wrong. My dad can do anything. He can fix anything. Well, anything except hearing loss. That he can't even see. Hearing loss is, in fact, an invisible handicap. No wheelchair, no white cane, just tiny little hearing aids. My dad can't hear, but some people won't hear. Communications majors today are being prepared for careers that utilize skills in marketing and writing and journalism and public relations and promotions. Listening is not even on the curriculum. But in order for communication to occur, we have to not only speak in a manner to be heard and understood, but also listen with the intent to truly resonate with our conversation partner. Now, when we share ideas, that does not mean we have to agree with everything we hear. It does not mean our conversation partner has to agree with everything they hear. It does not mean we need to have totally harmonious convictions to converse. But we do have to share. If I want to communicate to my dad that there are frogs on the farm, and I say something like, there are frogs on the farm, watch, I'll go catch one. Oh, look, see, here, here's a frog, there are frogs on the farm. What was my intent? To prove him wrong. There was certainly no sharing going on in that line of attack. A better way to communicate would be to ask questions to clarify what I don't understand. When I absolutely know there are frogs on the farm, I should ask my dad, why do you think the frogs are gone? At that point, he might share with me an idea he has about how global warming has affected even his farm in northeastern Indiana. Or he might say he doesn't really know, but he sure hasn't heard them for a while. Now we're getting somewhere. Now I know which of his perceptions has influenced his belief about the frogs. Perception, the state of being or the act of becoming aware of one's surroundings through the senses. Through his sense of hearing, my dad has become aware of the lack of frogs on the farm. Now we have perceptions in conversation as well. One day at the Target store, I had to intervene at the customer service desk. Two people were talking. One was hearing impaired, the other was buried in her computer. At the end of the exchange, one sighed and walked away happily. The other also sighed. It was just a sigh, but it was not the same sigh and it did not have the same meaning because these two women had very different perceptions of the conversation. Now hearing loss is only one barrier to communication. Another one is listening. In a perfect world, we have a speaker and a listener. The speaker is using short, concise sentences and expressing herself in an understandable way. The listener is listening. He's paying attention. He's understanding. In a perfect world. But what if we have a listener who is only listening to form a response? He's not communicating. He's not taking in the meaning being conveyed by the spoken word, nor can he. He is instead imposing his own meaning on the words and as such can't possibly understand what's been said. Or what if we have a speaker who is only speaking to hear her own voice? In that case, I suggest using a camera or a mirror to get the full effect. That's not conversation either. We see this when we ask a question and the response doesn't match. We walk away from that saying, what just happened? George Bernard Shaw said the single greatest misconception about communication is that it has taken place. When speaking to be understood, if at all possible, interact face to face. Make eye contact and take turns. In the deaf community, if we're not looking at one another, we're not talking to one another. Second, use short, clear sentences and questions. Questions guarantee that our message has gotten through. Have you ever had a conversation where you make a plan and then you get stood up later with, oh, you were serious about that? Ask questions. Guarantee that you've been understood. Third, honesty. Use it. Every time. Finally, speak distinctly. Enunciate. Remember, you might be speaking to someone who has hearing impairment or depression or low self-esteem. These are all invisible barriers to listening. Hearing loss very often steals that final constant of the word and that missed word draws concentration from the next four or five words and the whole sentence is gone. At that point, the hearing impaired individual simply smiles and nods. The one with depression might be distracted from the conversation with thoughts of self-harm. Muffled speech could sound very much to him like his own thoughts sound. The one with low self-esteem might be so excited that he's actually having a conversation that he totally misses the communication aspect. A clear, distinct voice will be heard better by everybody. Listening with intent. Remember, we want to hear what our conversation partner is saying. We value them. They need to know this. Listen to the words, the intonation, the emotion that you can hear in their voice and see on your face if you're paying attention. Second, find common ground, even if you don't agree with the overall statement. I disagree with the idea that toddlers should snack on dry dog food. However, I agree with the idea that dry dog food is not going to harm a toddler. Once we've established something we can agree upon, we're more likely to have a sharing of ideas. I could then ask, what is it about the dog food or the toddler that makes this a good combination? Then maybe talk about alternative snacks, the nutritional values of each. Simply refuting someone's statement, no child should ever be forced to eat dog food, might miss the point of the story. Perhaps the child was giving the dog treats and the dog wanted to share. But that's a story for another time. We have other barriers to communication. The need to be right. The need to blame someone. The need to argue. And while these are truly barriers to communication, are they truly needs? No, not really. What we truly need to keep in mind is that our community is built on relationships. And relationships are built on the ability to share ideas. Leonardo da Vinci dreamed of flight. Orville and Wilbur built a plane on that same dream, that shared idea. Boeing Corporation has expanded on the idea even further. Together, people can accomplish, well, the sky truly is the limit. Today, however, people are intentionally keeping themselves separate because they're not listening. Oh, there's a lot of talk going on. Social media revolves around posts being thrown up on any wall available. And then the poster walks away. That's a troll. If we remember our literature, trolls live under bridges. Bridges built by others. Bridges that help people get to where they are going. Trolls hinder progress. Don't feed the trolls. Genuine communication establishes community. And community is the basic building block of our society. Without this genuine communication, community starts to fall apart. And our society is not far behind. So, how do we change the way communication is done? One person at a time. And that person is you. You decide how you are going to speak, how you are going to listen, how you are going to respond. Are you going to speak with compassion or self-importance? Are you going to respond with demands or compromise? And I don't mean compromise your beliefs or your convictions. These make you the person you are. But how these ideas are presented will affect how well they are received, how successfully they are shared. We live in the greatest country in the world. We really do. Now, that's not to say we don't have some issues to work on. But we have the freedom to disagree. We have the freedom to share our ideas, even if we are separated by a great chasm. The first step to building a bridge over that chasm is better communication. Do I believe that better communication will solve all our issues? Maybe not today, but I have hope in the future where better communication does draw us into closer community. Somebody just needs to take that first step. Be a somebody. When God met Moses at the burning bush, he asked him to take off his shoes. And then he had Moses' total attention. Well, I'm not God, but thanks for your attention. Good night.