My Facial Hair Makes Me Look Like an Evil Version of Myself - Jonny Loquasto FULL SPECIAL

But then she starts feeling sorry for Michael Myers as he's running along chasing someone else like, oh maybe Michael Myers just needs a hug. I'm like no he needs a hip replacement all right. I know bone on bone when I see it. I'm going to be honest right up front uh the facial hair is brand new. For the first time in my life I'm giving it a shot and I am not getting the compliments that I had hoped. I'm getting more comments that I had hoped. The most common one being, whoa dude your goatee makes you look like an evil version of yourself. Look it's Wario Cuosto over here. Look at him. You know I never took you as someone who would steal from an orphanage but now. So when people say hurtful things about my facial hair I have no choice but to twist my mustache and tie him to the railroad tracks. That's what I have to do. But besides the facial hair I'm really happy right now. You know I finally figured out how to live stress-free in life and it's simple. All you got to do is lower expectations for yourself and it's so freeing when you can say hey life we're gonna kick things down a notch. For example a couple years ago my goal was to own a house by 40. Now my goal just not have a roommate by 50 you know. People come to visit me from out of town they're like why don't you give me a tour. I'm like why don't you spin around that's what I got. Oh in case you want to use the bathroom just dry your hands off with my beach towel slash bath towel slash guest blanket. Stick around. Because we're all dealing with something you know. I'm at the age now where my body is starting to throw little curveballs at me that I don't see coming. You know just nice little reminders that certain childhood dreams are never going to come true. Like oh I have a bunion now. Well I guess I never am going to dunk a basketball. Touche body. All right thanks for keeping it real with me. You ever have this happen your phone is on vibrate in your pocket and your phone starts vibrating so you reach down to find out who's calling you and it turns out your phone's not even there it's just your quadricep having a muscle spasm and you're stuck in place having to yell hey can someone toss me a Pedialyte real quick. Pretty sure the left leg is really dehydrated right now. Because you know you got to challenge yourself. I tried doing that. I ran my first ever 10k a couple of months ago 10k six point whatever miles I'm running at what I think is a good pace I'm feeling confident about myself and then out of nowhere I get passed by a dude pushing a baby stroller and it wasn't like subtle and polite like hey good morning couldn't find a sitter no it was abrupt and demoralizing like sorry bro we're late for father-son crossfit parkour so the whole rest of the race I'm feeling like a loser I finally finished I walked to the parking lot and I see that same guy bouncing his baby up and down the baby will not stop crying right and I hear the guy say I wonder what he's so upset about I'm like maybe because you took him bobsledding without his consent and eventually that kid's going to become an adult and wonder why do I cry every time I watch the film Cool Runnings. I feel like I might be losing patience with people a little bit you know like I was on the treadmill the gym the other day you know the gyms have like 150 TVs now we don't need all those my TV was off lady hops on the treadmill next to me starts flipping the channels lands on a replay of the Westminster dog show and leaves it this is what makes me want to work out more than dogs who have a bigger bank account than you I don't know but I keep walking out of the corner of my eye I see her talking at me I'm like this is gonna be good okay earbud comes out I'm like yes ma'am she's like you know what I hate about this dog show I'm like you put it on I have no idea she's like what I hate about this dog show is never in the history of this dog show has a Dalmatian ever won and I was like well you must have 101 reasons to be angry about this which would explain the silver streak and the mink coat get off the treadmill because you got puppies to catch but I've always been a people person you know I was raised in a health care household I became a health care professional I'm actually a physical therapist you know yeah health care people in the house the thing about being a PT not everyone knows what that is people here a nurse they get it people here doctor they get it a lot of people here physical therapists all they think is oh you're a PT so you can give me a massage not if you ask me like that no where'd you get the baby oil put it down what's the matter with you I get some of the most obnoxious questions as a physical therapist one time this guy plopped on the table and he goes uh you just give me a sports massage and I was like sir you look like you haven't participated in a sport in about 25 years saying you need a sports massage is like calling your Prius in the parking lot a sports car I mean you both have trouble getting up a hill and some people find out you work in health care they assume you know everything about health care right I had a dude shove his skin condition in my face one time yeah he was just like hey man can you diagnose this rash on my arm I was like yeah it's disgusting get your fungus out of my face when it comes to injuries love helping people like you sir I'd be happy to fix whatever's going on with your foot you know like when I see someone interested as a PT I will just help them for free so of course they always think I'm Canadian because they have free health care you guys get it um did that in Texas recently it did not go over well at all the guy got mad in the audience he yelled out well whatever dude Americans have way bigger hearts than Canadians do and I was like sir in real life that's not a good thing at all no that's called cardiomegaly yeah and this is not the Wizard of Oz you don't have more courage you just need to exercise more and lay off the salt that's what you got to do it's hard though because the body is my expertise I know everything about the body so I can't just enjoy the body of face value you know women wear heels because they look amazing in heels and guys love it too guys see a woman in heels what do they think oh look at her she is gorgeous the calves and the hamstrings she is so perfect in those heels all I'm thinking is yeah perfect if you want her to have Achilles tendonitis and hammer toes if you really cared you'd buy her some Skechers that's what you would do shout out to Skechers from the crowd all right I can't even enjoy certain movies because I'm such a realist you know last Halloween my wife and I decided to sit down and watch the newest Halloween movie right this franchise has been going on for 40 years in this specific storyline Michael Myers the bad guy is now 64 years old so right off the top I'm like all right I'm supposed to be scared of a guy who's about to qualify for social security are you serious like what does he have his axe in one hand his ARP card in the other like come on but she's completely invested she sees him chasing after his victims you know like he does that weird gate the hobolone thing she goes oh no look at the way he's running that's terrifying I'm like no that's osteoarthritis that's what that is he's got no cartilage left at all babe but then she starts feeling sorry for Michael Myers as he's running along chasing someone else like oh maybe Michael Myers just needs a hug I'm like no he needs a hip replacement all right I know bone on bone when I see it but it's been an interesting time in my life because I finally made the transition from working in health care full-time to working in entertainment full-time right and you might be surprised to know that when you switch from health care to entertainment there's a slight change in your health insurance as a physical therapist I had a blue cross ppo now I drink kombucha and hope for the best but yeah last couple of years have been very interesting for all of us you know I will sum up my life for you real quick three years ago I moved across the country as a single man three months ago I moved back across the country with the woman I love her three children her four rescue cats and her rescue dog so what I'm trying to say is the pandemic affected us all differently some people picked up COVID I picked up a family that's what happened and in either situation it could be difficult to breathe like back when I was single I would drink coffee every morning to get my day started I don't need coffee anymore because it turns out what's way more effective than caffeine is anxiety oh I mean who needs a boost from arabica beans when you can get the natural adrenaline rush arguing with someone else's kids oh and I'm trying my best but I don't know what I'm doing I was not ready to have a family I was living like a big child this is the honest truth before we all moved in together I owned one silverware not one set of silverware I owned a fork a couple of sets of plastic wear from various drive-thrus and my go-to spoon was left over from a 2018 McFlurry all right and this would drive my wife insane she would try to argue like don't you know how dangerous plastic wear is for your mouth and I would argue back well don't you know how dangerous actual silverware is for my mouth I could bang a tooth I could poke an eye out I could drop it on my foot a lot of dangerous things babe so she would try to win the argument and say well what kind of grown man only owns one fork to which I would say obviously the kind of grown man who's definitely not cheating checkmate argument won and the kids are amazing the youngest one is a boy he's 11 years old right he's a little genius he collects facts all day we just nicknamed him google and after living with him I don't know if I'm smarter than a fifth grader but I'm definitely not smarter than a sixth grader I know that he is brilliant loves science loves experimenting and he always assumes that whatever he's looking for is definitely in the house somewhere right so a couple of weeks ago he just yells out hey Johnny where's our mercury I was like you mean the planet I still think it's number nine it's up and to the left I don't really know what do you mean mercury he's like no the element mercury where's our mercury as if I was gonna say oh our mercury yeah it's over here by the peanut butter come on over buddy let me just grab it for you let me just check oh yeah that's still good mercury okay yeah little dabble do you go have an experiment have fun buddy blew my mind and I had to tell him I was like no buddy we don't have mercury in the house he's like well why not I was like because it's not the year 1495 and we're not trying to treat syphilis like I don't I'm just learning so much like there are so many days I just don't feel like a stepdad yet like I've never even built anything from Ikea you know like I'm just a guy who has a key to the house I don't have a typical nine to five job and I hide all my snacks in a high cupboard that they can't get to at best I'm a step dude you know like hey Johnny can you help with my calculus homework not if you're looking for a good grade step dude all right trying to learn every day you know I don't know what kind of authority I have in the house yet like the three kids were arguing a couple of days ago I tried to help out I walked into the living room I was like hey you know what I think about this and the 11 year old was like you're out of your jurisdiction I was like well all right I'm gonna go over here back to the corner and just listen in that's what I'm gonna do but my wife is an angel she's honestly the most amazing soul I've ever met in my life and she tries to make me feel like a strong man you know she told me she said once we all got under the same roof the kids now feel so safe with you there at night and I was just like thank you but they shouldn't please don't tell them that last week in the grocery store parking lot I jumped back into fear because I thought I saw a snake on the ground when it was just a fallen hair extension do not but she says the same thing she's like you know I feel so safe when we're in the bed together when we're cuddling I know I'm safe and I'm like I don't know why because I'm wearing a tank top and mesh shorts if someone does break in I can throw my iPhone at them then I'm out of ammo I don't know like if you really want to feel safe I think we need to section off and sleep in different parts of the house you know like you could stay in the bed I'll go out to the living room if someone does break in we'll just hit him from multiple angles you know like I'll get him with a baseball bat you hit him with your emotions and we'll take him out and I've learned this too when the person you love says that they want you to be honest at all times they are lying so when we got engaged we had to come up with a post for social media to announce the engagement right so my wife kept it simple she said hey why don't you just say you're the luckiest guy in the world what I should have said was you got it babe luckiest guy in the world a post in it but because I overanalyzed everything what I said was well luckiest guy in the world there are four billion guys in the world and we live in a world with you know Dwayne the Rock Johnson and Tom Brady and Bruno Mars and Leonardo DiCaprio LeBron James all the Thunder from Down Under dudes anyone who's ever married or dated J-Lo the Verizon guy who became the T-Mobile guy Jake from State Farm oh and the guy who does the voiceovers for Wranglers who gets to say real comfortable jeans that's a lot of lucky dudes babe so then she posted that she was marrying the biggest moron that she knew so could not argue with her and of course we got the pets you know we got this little dog and I feel bad for him sometimes because he has to deal with three humans and four cats in the house every day right and she also rescued him six years ago she doesn't know what he is I did a little research turns out he's a mix of angst and insanity aka a chihuahua mix if you want a grab bag of insanity just get yourself a chihuahua mix all he does is bark all day every day at everything and then he gets so upset that he can't control himself so he runs in our bathroom and goes to the bathroom on the floor and then runs out all proud of himself like hey guys no need to get my leash I took care of business for you in there all right chihuahuas are too intense you ever look at a chihuahua in the face their eyes are bulging out all the time chihuahuas look like they want to tell you a secret and they just can't do it it makes you want to interrogate them like excuse me what do you know about the missing treats off the counter they're like it's too much but we try to bring him everywhere with us no it makes him feel better like we took a family vacation a couple of months ago we decided to rent an rv we had never driven an rv before so we rented a 32 foot rv yeah that's not a recreational vehicle that's a tank with a toilet all right so of course I did damage to the rv because I've never tried to park a tour bus before so when all was said and done when you add in renting the rv renting the campground paying for gas maxing out our insurance deductible we would have spent less money taking a trip to outer space with jeff bezos which is what the next trip is going to be we're going to become amazon astronauts that's what we're going to try to do we got uh we got prime I think that's one of the perks I'm not really sure but you know but I love taking advice from couples though you know the best advice I've ever gotten you've all heard it it's simple but it works never go to bed angry genius advice I always make sure never go to bed angry this is why I always pass out the moment she gets ticked off because I can't let her attitude ruin my REM sleep you know what I'm saying like I gotta make sure I'm feeling good in the morning so and we try not to watch much tv as a couple because commercials are just putting pressure on couples way too often especially women they have products for every part of the female anatomy most of which you don't need I saw a commercial I thought was fake recently it's for a product called latisse if you don't know latisse is it's a product that thickens a woman's eyelashes and I just want to say on behalf of every man on earth we've never once looked at your stupid eyelashes if you're a man and you're afraid to laugh just wink at me it's okay we've never looked one time in our lives you can mention eyelashes and eyebrows in the same sentence it'll take us a half hour to remember which is which we have no idea we don't even look at our faces I promise you as a woman if you're ever getting insecure you're looking at yourself in the mirror you're thinking oh these eyelashes are getting thin and unattractive I'm not sure what to do about these I guarantee your man is standing right behind you looking at you like well she's got two eyes I don't see what the problem is even if one was a glass eye I don't really care it's still an eye you know I don't need them both tracking me anyway but I'm at the point in my life now a lot of my friends are married I had a chance to be the best man at a destination wedding in Hawaii recently right and if you've never been to a destination wedding that's where you have to fly yourself somewhere and then do chores before they get married but a week before the wedding my buddy called me up in a panic he's like Johnny I'm really sorry um I don't think the wedding's gonna happen you know I'm really nervous I have cold feet I'm not even sure if she's the one anymore so I think I'm just gonna call the whole wedding off and that's when I stepped in as the best friend I was like bro you need to sit down take a deep breath go find your fiance look at her right in the eyes and in that moment you're gonna remember the most important thing of this entire situation that I have never been to Hawaii don't you dare ruin this for me I already used all my airline miles I ordered steak and shrimp at the reception you're getting married mahalo and they did and it worked out and I appreciate everyone being here tonight you know if you're in a relationship that's great you know because we've all been on first dates in our lives some of you are with a person who you had an amazing first date with and it's working out but most of us have all been on first dates for five minutes in you realize oh I'm with the most miserable human being I've ever met in my life I had one of those we're on our way to the restaurant one time right and I was trying to make small talk so I was like well hey I have a comedy show this weekend if we have fun tonight you'd go with me to my comedy show word for word she goes nah I don't like comedy who says that out loud what do you you don't like comedy you don't like to laugh or feel joy and exuberance or get a little core workout ladies you laugh twice that's called a kegel you're welcome you know so we all need to laugh to survive you know so I knew this wasn't going to work out so we get to the restaurant she pops out of the car I stay put behind the wheel she looks back at me well what's the matter with you and I was like I don't like food and I drove off so you know had to be done and I'll leave you guys with this you know I talk about being a people person even before health care I was around people all the time I worked in a restaurant for a long time and I'm not trying to brag but it was a little place called Chili's and I loved working at Chili's because every single night I hear the same complaints excuse me my food tastes funny I'd be like welcome to Chili's you ordered a steak for $7.99 that's your fault if you think about it that's the wrong part of the cow I'm wearing jeans and a name tag let's lower the expectations and nobody can pronounce anything off a menu at chain restaurants I've had adults order fajitas right now some of you are thinking yeah dude fajitas that's how you say it fajitas and I couldn't giggle in front of them so I had to just play along like no problem we have chicken or steak fajitas what can I give for you just so you know every order of fajitas it comes with a side of rice and beans and rosetta stone in case you're interested you're laughing like someone who said fajitas before and I appreciate that but without a doubt my two favorite mispronunciations in restaurant history they were always coupled up no one ever said pico de gallo or quesadilla correctly without fail they'd be looking at the menu like all right let's see here oh I'm gonna get me the chicken quesadilla okay but what are onions tomato what is cilantro I don't even know oh and jalapenos are spicy I don't want those okay let's take off these jalapenos and I don't really want this pico de gallo but I'm gonna have me the chicken quesadilla I'm like I'm gonna poison you right now how about that I'm gonna poison you with some uncooked polo and you're gonna go home with a strong case of salmonella so thank you so much everybody I'm Johnny Lacoste so truly appreciate you