Best Of Nikki Glaser At JFL

It is good to be here in Montreal. I was just in St. Louis visiting my grandma. Whenever I go see her, she's always like, you know, come hungry, cause she likes to see me thin. I don't even call, I don't call my grandma, grandma. I call her Mimi. Cause when I was little, I couldn't pronounce old. So that's what I came up with. And it's fun. It's a joke. She's so sweet. She wouldn't even hurt a fly cause flies don't understand verbal abuse, but it's okay. 28, which I just found out is the age where as a woman, your body starts to tell you to have a baby. It's a, my hormones were like, have a baby. My bank account is like, don't you even think about it, don't you do it. I did have a pregnancy scare recently, which, um, and I say scare, cause I was like, who's the dad? I was like, are we going to have to bring Maury into this? Cause I, Maury Povich a couple months ago, but to call him up. I had a pregnancy scare. The first person I told was my mom, which I'll never do again. Cause she got excited. Yeah. She was like, oh my God, I'm going to be a grandmother. And I was like, yeah, until Tuesday. Hold your horses, Nana. Soak it up. That's what I told the doctor too. So that was, um, don't groan. I just got back from the Midwest where you can't talk about that stuff at all. And, uh, they have anti-abortion billboards everywhere there. I was driving across Kansas. There was one that confused me. It was just a big one. It said, thinking about abortion. I'm like, yeah, I'm on a long road trip. Like what else am I going to do? Can't text and drive anymore, of course. So thinking about abortion, but then three, like 300 yards later, it was like another one that said, uh, consider adoption. I'm like, why would I want some stranger's baby if I'm going to get rid of my own? Like, I don't get that at all, right? I'm in a long distance relationship right now, which means I'm single. So that's, yeah. When the cat's away, the mouse pretends her phone died. Every night. I can't do long distance anymore. Cause it's all you have, all you have is phone sex. And to be good at phone sex, you have to be good at regular sex. I recently found out I'm not, cause I'm on the phone and he's like, talk dirty. And I'm like, I'm just laying here later. And I hung up and that's all I've got. That's all I know. It's all I've ever done. And I love it. I just lay back and get it. It's pretty sweet. Girls, do you know you can lay there? Guys, let's don't f*** you. I've tried it out for us. They're like happier there most of the time. It's awesome. Being on bottom is the tops. It's pretty sweet down there. Once in a while, they'll like straight up ask you to participate. And it's, it's a bummer. I'm not going to lie. It sucks. But like he bought you dinner at Chili's, you owe him. Like that's how I was raised. I don't know about you, but I felt obligated. It did happen to me recently. This guy was giving me like, like a really good rogering. And at some point in the middle of, yeah. I like that phrasing. Cause girls can't be like, I got f***ed. Like we gotta say stuff. Like I got a good rogering. Sounds classy. Doesn't it? Sounds like he courted me or like I knew his name or something. Like it sounds fancy. I like it. So he was getting, he was giving me a good rogering. And I thought we were having fun. But at some point in the middle of it, I remember he was like, he was like, Hey, will you get on top? And I was like, what'd you say? He woke me up and I was like, what's going on? I like rolled over. I'm like, I don't want to go to school. But I did it. You know, I got up there. I took off my sleep mask and wipe the drool off my face. I hope it was drool. And it's really out of it. And I got up there and I got to give it up to you guys for being up there most of the time. I had no idea how much cardio that was right out of the gate. I thought I was in shape. No, it was the worst spinning class of my entire life. It was awful. I was wheezing right away. Just winded. I don't know if it was like the change in elevation or something. I was like, this is like ******* in Denver. It sucks. I'm lazy. I'm bad at sex. I think that's what I've concluded. It's fine. I'm okay with it because I got a late start. I'm learning. I didn't have sex until I was 21 because I was saving myself for Jesus, which I know luckily that was my gardener's name. So that worked out. But yeah, I found a loophole in my dad's rule. Yeah, thank you. I don't know why. I really just waited because I was scared, you know? And I think I only did it ultimately for the first time because that guy was the first guy to have a really good argument for why we should, you know? And I remember because I was like, I don't think I'm ready. And he was like, come on. Yeah, that was it. Solid logic. I think he's a lawyer now. Thank you guys very much. I'm Nikki Glaser. Enjoy your show. Thank you so much. I just celebrated a birthday. I just turned 25 in June of 2009. So that's how I've been saying it. Thank you so much. I'm not a woman yet. I'm 30, but I don't feel like a woman. I see girls my age with babies and I'm not even like, oh my God, a new mom. I'm like, oh my God, this is still babysitting. Wow, this economy. Everyone's going back to basics, I guess. Because I babysat for years because this family just didn't come home one time and it was rough. I hated babysitting. It's so hard because it's like you're a mother but you don't love them. So it's hard to do the right thing, right? I would just let them watch TV all day in the basement or wherever I kept them. And then who cares? I don't see the harm in letting your kids watch TV all day. I grew up watching TV and I turned out perfect. And thank you. I don't read or anything, but that's, you know. I mean, besides tweets and Plan B side effects, I'm not like digging into chapter books. That's how little I read. I still call them chapter books. I wish I could. I need to. I see girls reading sometimes. Like I'll see a girl on the train, just like in a book. And I'm just like, wow, like did you lose your phone or something? Like, are you Amish? Do you need help? I just can't do it. The other day I saw this girl, I was just like watching her and she was just like, book. And like, she was just in it. Like she didn't say that, but she was just like in it. And she's reading. And at one point she was like, I was like, you, we get it. We all get it. You're better than all of us. You're entertained by the written word. Congratulations. I'll be doing interviews and they'll be like, what was the last book you read? I'm like thinking back to sixth grade, like the giver, I don't know. Hatchet, did I finish Hatchet? I know better now when someone asks me like, what's your favourite book? I just say the Bible. And then no one wants to talk to me after that. Yeah, it's the end of that conversation. I've lost a couple of friends because of it, but I figure it's friends who wanted to talk about books. So beat it nerds, you know. There's no follow-ups to the Bible. Like, and I wouldn't even know what to say. I've never, I don't, I mean, I know how it ends. So, you know, Dumbledore dies, but that's a spoiler and I apologise. I definitely, I buy self-help books. That's what I do. I don't really read them. I'll read like one page and I'm like, I got it. And then I'll put it back on the shelf and continue living my life destructively. I went to Subway the other day, cause I'm a foodie and yeah. I was walking up and this guy was coming out and he held the door for me. And I was like, oh, thank you. And he was like, stay beautiful. And I was just like, is that a threat? Like what, what am I supposed to do? What if I don't? Will I have to open doors for myself? They're so heavy. It's like, what did he mean by that? Stay beautiful. Do I have to be beautiful to go to Subway? I don't, this isn't Quiznos, sir. Like, I don't need to wear my Sunday's best. It's weird being 30. I'm trying, I'm like starting to think about maybe having kids. I think I miss the boat though. I think the best time to have kids is in your teens. And that's far behind me. I really do. I'm busy now, you know? I'm really busy. But what was I doing in high school? Like homework? Not really. I could have squeezed one out. I had time. It's so much time. All I did was watch Saved by the Bell reruns and eat cereal. I could have done it. And it's such a good time to do it because you live with your mom. She can help out, right? Hell, you could just hand it off to her and be like, here, try again and pass it off. Yeah. Clearly you didn't do so well the first time, right? Since I'm 15 and just had a baby. Yeah. Teach me how to drive. I think it's so smart. I don't know, I'll probably have a kid like a little bit later, 40s or something. So I'll probably do a surrogacy because you know, the older you get as a woman, the higher the risk that you won't get your body back. And that's so important. This is how dumb I am. I just learned that with a surrogacy, you can give your egg to a girl and it'll come out looking like you. I didn't know that. I thought it had to look like Juno or whoever. Like, I didn't know. I'm like, it comes out looking like you? Why wouldn't I do that? That's a no brainer. That'd be like, if someone to me was like, hey, do you want me to make you a pizza? And be like, no, I'm gonna make it myself. And they're like, are you sure? Because if you make it yourself, it's gonna be really difficult. It'll taste the same as if I make it. And also your vagina will be ruined. So I'd be like, please make my pizza for me. That sounds terrible. I understand the benefits of having your own. I get it, like bonding and ----. But it's like, I see the one benefit is you get to like hold it over their head forever. Like you can be like, clean your room. I carried you for nine months. When my mom said that though, it never worked on me. I was always like, stop reminding me I was in there for that long. Like I know how much you drink and it concerns me. You've never taken a weekend off that I can remember. I doubt you went nine months. I can do the math, but barely because you drank while you were pregnant with me. I don't know. The thing is, you have to have a good reason if you do a surrogacy, because people are gonna ask. They're gonna be like, who's this? And you're like, it's Brenda. My surrogate's gonna be named Brenda, even if it's not her name, I'm gonna call her that. And trying to brainstorm some reasons. Maybe I can say I'm barren, but that's a bummer of a word. It is, and I also think I might be, because it's a miracle I haven't been pregnant yet. I am pretty reckless. I can't believe it. I take the pill, but kind of like a multivitamin, like when I remember, you know? It's not how you're supposed to do it. I'm waiting for them to come out with a gummy brand. It's sad. If I'm not barren, which I probably am because of all the Splenda I've consumed, I'm gonna name my firstborn Barron. I think it's a beautiful name for a little girl. Don't steal it, guys. Don't steal it, that's mine. That's not a good reason, though. It's too much of a bummer. So here's what I'm gonna go with. If someone's like, why are you doing a surrogacy? I'm just gonna go like, okay. Well, I wasn't gonna say anything, but since you asked, my vagina's too small for a baby. It's so tight in there. I have TPS, which is tight pussy syndrome, and I don't know, I know. It's in the title. It seems weird, but when it's this small, it's medically, it's called, I didn't make that up. And so if you could just like tell everyone, that would be great. Thank you so much. Oh my God. So guys, I'm in a relationship. We've been together three years, so we're almost done. And that's the truth. No, he's the best I can do. It's like, it's fine. No, he's great. And, but we, let's, we live together right now and we fight a lot, mostly karate. So it's not like terrible, but it's like aerobic, but I wish, I wish I was like a good fighter. Like I would, I always imagine myself fighting like Pink probably does, you know, just being like, **** you and like throwing a vase and then like kicking something and peeling off on a motorcycle or writing a song. Like that's what I, I don't even own a vase though. So I can't do that. And I call them vases, which isn't even a way to pronounce it. And yeah, so I don't fight well. I just bottle everything up and then I end up crying. But my boyfriend, he does silent treatment, which is like passive aggressive. It's the worst. And it's, this is the problem though. It sounds good. You're like, oh, he gives me the silent treatment. My friends are like, oh, that's at least he doesn't hit you. And I'm like, I kind of wish he would just so I knew that he knew I was there. It is like, it's terrible. It's like you're living with a ghost who doesn't want to **** you. Like that's how it feels. I find most ghosts to be DTF. So do you. Thank you for getting that. She gets it. It's awful. And it does sound good. Cause you're like, it has the word treatment in it. You're like silent treatment. Sounds like part of a spa package. You're like, what? Oh my God. Would you like to add the silent treatment to your massage today? Like, I think I would. What is it? Well, for an extra $80 at the end of your massage, Sebastian will lay on the table with you, with his back to you and pull out his phone and start going through it. And just when you think he's asleep, he'll start clearing his throat and coughing to himself just to let you know that he's still awake, but choosing not to talk to you. And then you'll try to cry yourself to sleep, but you can't because you're on Zoloft. That's my life. No, it's, have you been, you've been in that scenario where you're like hating the person on the other side of the bed and you can't sleep. This is what I do now. Very comforting. I pull up Uber on my phone and I just look at like the single men driving around like my house, just like waiting to pick me up. Just like, we'll get you girl. It's just so comforting. There's like seven of them. I'm like, oh my God. I'm like, Massoud. Like, I'm like, he probably has like little tiny waters for me and stuff. Like, ugh. It's just nice to know that they're there. I love watching Uber. And then like, you ever call a ride and then it's just like all out of nowhere, the car's like going like this. You're like, is that a stunt driver in the middle of an intersection? Why is he doing that? I love it. It's, it's, relationships are whatever. He always used to say like, I don't want to get married until gay people can get married, which I was like, that's so cool. And then I was like, they can. And he was like, yeah, I never thought that would happen. So, all right. I never want a big wedding where I have to like slow dance with my dad in front of all of my friends. Like, that seems like, that's something we do alone together. So, I don't want to ruin that. You guys, you get it. It's so embarrassing, you know? Then what if the band doesn't know Genuine's Pony? Are we supposed to just like freestyle to whatever they, you guys get it. Thank you. I just don't, nah, I don't want to risk it. My boyfriend and I are talking about doing an open relationship. It kind of started, I didn't mean for it to come out this way, but I was just trying to talk like sexy stuff before sex. I was just trying to like get him revved up. And you know, you just say things you don't mean sometimes. Like, I love your mom or whatever. Like, you just say stuff that isn't necessarily true. Like, I could see us being best friends if we were the same age. Like, stuff like that. I actually said that recently, but I meant, I mean it, Chris. No, but you say stuff you don't mean. Like, I remember I was just trying to be hot and I was like, I could see you ******* another girl someday. I wouldn't care if we're together. And he took it way too seriously. He like turned on the lights and was like, are you serious? Like, he reacted the way women react when they get proposed to. And I feel like it's the only way to elicit that response in a man. He was like, are you serious? He was like, I gotta call my dad. He like runs in the next room. I'm like, can we wait? He's planning it on Pinterest. I don't know what's happening. All right. It's nuts. But I honestly like, I don't really, I'm kind of at this point three years in, I'm like, go do your thing. Like, I don't care. My friends are like, you're nuts. What if he finds someone better than you? And I'm like, it's definitely gonna happen. Like, there's so much better than me out there. Like, I know it, you know? But my personality is wet and tight. It's like my personality is just sopping wet. It ain't ever drying up. So I just feel like, ah, whatever. And the thing is, once you say like, go do whatever you want, they're like, wow, you're so cool to let me do that. Like, I don't even want to do it. And I'm like, my plan has worked. Like, it really works that way. But yeah, my friends are like, they can't believe that I would do this. And I just don't care. The thing is, they're like, well, do you get to sleep with other people? And I'm like, no, because he's not okay with that. He would be too jealous. He heard me say that and he was like, you think that's the reason? I wouldn't be jealous. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I just remember the time that we were together and my ex-boyfriend died and I was like crying about it and you got jealous. So I thought that maybe that was an indication that I probably shouldn't **** someone alive because he got suspicious. He was just like, do you carry a torch for this guy? Do you like this guy? I'm like, he's dead. Like, what do you think I'm going to do? This is the best case scenario for you. Like, I wish all your girlfriends died. Like, I would love that. But they're thriving. And he's like, I just feel like you still like him. I'm like, I don't. He's like still checking my Ouija board. I'm like, I'm not talking to him, okay? Like, what are you scared of? Are you, what am I going to do? Go dig him up and suck his dusty old dead dick? Like, I can't do it. Like, that's, am I going to blow him back to life? Like, I wish I could, but it's not. That's actually a show that I'm pitching right now. Don't steal it. It is a show. Okay, it's, she's a homicide detective and her superpower is that she can blow corpses back to life to get the answers she needs. And I know you guys are like, that's amazing. But we have questions. And it's called Blown Awake. And I really think that's going to sell it alone. But I know you're like, wait a second. Does she go down on girls to life? And I know you're all wondering, like, what about dead women? Will she go down on them back to life? She can't. She cannot, she does have a friendly canine companion, though, that she works with. And she just sicks them off. I had to go through TSA. And I did the one thing where you go in the thing and they say, empty out your pockets. And then it goes like that. And they were like, empty out your pockets. And I wanted to tell them, I was like, I do have a tampon in. And I wanted them to think that they like got one on me. Like, I see it. I wanted to be like, I know, you know? So I was like, is that going to be a problem? They were like, step aside, ma'am. So I got pulled aside for the whole thing. I've never had the whole rub down. The girl was like, okay, we're going to do this. We can actually, we can go, like, back in my room. Like, she was, like, sexy about it. She was like, you want to go back in a private room? I'm like, it's okay, let's do it here. I like voyeurism, you know? So I was like, let's do it. She's like, hold on, I have to do my spiel. She's like, okay, so before I do this, I'm going to go over all your parts. But when I get to your sensitive parts, I'm going to use the back of my hand. Which is weird because she's acknowledging that if she used her palm and, like, got in there, she might, like, feel something and get distracted. Like, her emotions might get in the way of finding a bomb. So she was like, I'm going to go over you with the back of my hand. Turns out, way sexier to do that. Because she's just like, oh, yeah, oh, sweet. She's like, uh-huh. It's just way more sexy. She went down my face. I licked it. I didn't need to do that, but it felt right. I'm not on any birth control right now. I had to get rid of the IUD because it was giving me headaches. Migraines, in fact. I had to do the IUD because I was on the pill before, which, I wasn't good at taking the pill. I tended to take the pill like people take fish oil, like, when I felt like it, you know? Like, you can't do it that way. You have to take it every day. I would, like, slam three at a time. Like, it was just not good. But I'm good now. Like, I, well, I had a thing. My boyfriend, because I'm usually on the IUD, he, like, you know, does it in. And you guys get it. And I got the IUD out, but I forgot to tell him, so he finished, and I was like, oh, ----. And I was like, I gotta go get the morning after pill. And so I was like, I'll do it tomorrow because they say the morning after. Like, it was already the morning, and I was like, I can't go now. Like, follow the rules, right? So, postponed it. Just wanna be right about it. And I went to go get it, and then I, I, like, literally waited the whole, it's not just the morning after pill. You can take it up to 72 hours after you've had unprotected sex. You know, for the lazy slut. Like, who is this bitch taking her sweet time? It was me. I waited 72 hours. I, like, ran into CVS. I was like, please. And I took it, and then again, the next day I forgot to tell my boyfriend that I wasn't on birth control. And I was like, I gotta go spend another 50 bucks. Like, this sucks. But then I was like, wait a second. I've been at 72 hours on the back end, too. So I'm just gonna cross my fingers and hope that medicine works the way I think it does. Sometimes you gotta be your own doctor. I have a show on Comedy Central about sex, and it's, like, allowed me to be just disgusting with my family now, because they're like, she's doing research. That's why she's asking us this. I was out at lunch with my sister the other day, and I was like, hey, where does, like, your husband finish? Like, does he finish? Has he ever finished on your face? Because we were at lunch. And she got the dressing on the side, so I was like, maybe that is the same in bed or whatever. So I just wanted to know. Fair question. She was just like, Nikki, no. No, ew. And I was like, okay, cool, sorry. We're just, I guess we're different or whatever. And I go, but where does he finish? Like, I'm just curious now. And she's like, I don't know. I'm like, you have to know. What are you talking about? She's like, I don't know. And I'm like, well, like, where on you? And she's like, nowhere on me. And I'm like, all right, Kate Middleton. Jesus Christ, who the **** do you think you are? Like, I'm definitely, like, a pippa. Like, I'm just getting it all over. Like, I don't give a ****. I feel like even Kate Middleton gets a little, like, she'll take out like a, she'll be like, give me a pearl bracelet, darling. Like, I feel like she would even do that. Like, she's not above that. She's cool. My sister is just like, no, nowhere. I'm like, all right, fine. And so then I was like, but you have to tell me where then. She was like, I go really just think about it. And she's like, okay. She's like, I guess in his hand. And I was like, please explain this to me because that doesn't make sense. She was like, yeah, he just like into his palm. And I was like, hold on. You watch your husband ejaculate into his palm. And she was like, yeah. And I go, then what? And she's like, he just walks it into the bathroom. And I'm like, you watch your husband just walk this little sample to the toilet and drop it in like a dead goldfish and just flush it. I'm like, next. I don't respect him any. Like, I would respect him more if you were like, yeah, he splatters my face. Like, I would like have more respect for him. I'm like, I'm never shaking his hand again. I know that. Like, that is insane to me. I'm not supposed to do that joke. My sister told me because she's like a school teacher or some, but she's like, please don't. I told that story on TV, on my show, just like a weird version of it. But I said my family member instead of my sister to like, you know, make it seem like I wasn't talking about her. But then I was on speakerphone with her and my brother-in-law and he goes, hey, thanks for telling my story. And he didn't know she had told me about that like a year ago. So I was like, it wasn't you. It was actually someone on our staff. And I had to say family member to cover it up. And he's like, someone else comes in their palm. And I was like, oh, Jesus Christ. You recognize yourself in that.