Aging Parents And Boundaries: Why You Need Them And How To Implement Them

So are you tending to the needs of your aging parent and people keep telling you you need to set boundaries with them but nobody tells you how to do that. You don't want to hurt their feelings. You don't want to feel bad like the bad guy. So what are you supposed to do? Well stay tuned because we're going to walk through boundary setting with your aging parents step by step. So everybody tells you to set boundaries with your aging parent but nobody tells you how to do it. If you ask those same people who are telling you to do it, well how do I do that? They're going to say well I don't know. You just do it. You just tell them. Be firm. Tell them like it is. Well and you and I we know that that is just not helpful because we don't want to hurt our parent. We don't want to feel like the bad guy. So therefore what do we do? Often nothing. We don't do anything to help set up boundaries because we just don't know how to do it. So what happens though when you don't set up boundaries is you could be finding out now that you are doing five or ten times more for your parent than you expected or spending five or ten times more time on them and ignoring all the other parts of your life and really putting in way more than you thought. Way more than you probably ought to. It's causing you to have negative effects in other areas of your life. Maybe your your job or maybe in your marriage and in your responsibilities in other areas of your life. And over time you might not even notice it but there becomes a very chronic low-grade resentment towards your parents. And if you like your parents, if you love your parents, you don't want to say that word out out loud that you resent having to provide this amount of care to them so you don't say anything. And it's just below the surface all the time. And that can lead to guilt because if you feel guilty for resenting this parent that you really do love and that guilt can turn to anxiety. It can turn to depression. It can turn to burnout. You know that I'm anti-burnout so don't worry because I'm going to help you through this. Hey there, sorry to interrupt your video. I just wanted to jump in real quick and invite you to come chat with me a little bit about your aging parent care experience. I'd love to hear about what's going on with you, the things that cause you stress, distress, anxiety, depression, burnout, whatever is going on with you. I'd love to hear about it. I promise I am not going to try to sell you anything. I really just want to learn from you so that I can serve my viewers better. I hope that I hear from you. If you're interested in talking directly with me, you can go to sophiamarport.com forward slash interview. I will leave a link down below in the description. I hope to chat with you soon. It is not necessarily all your parents fault that they keep asking and asking and asking more and more of you. Because have you ever actually said no? Have you ever actually set a boundary with them and held up to it? Probably not. So it's not their fault that they don't know you have boundaries if you've never said it out loud before. Another reason why this might not be your parents fault is because our parents have an aging brain and there are changes that are associated with that. It could be dementia. It could just be an aging brain. By the time someone is in their 80s and 90s, they don't think the same as they used to. They may actually have an inability to process the fact that what's going on with them is affecting you in a really great way. And I don't mean great in a good way, great in a bad way, in a great bad way. They may not have the ability to process that information or have the empathy for you and what's going on with you. If it's not their fault, it is the fault of their aging brain. And if you're not quite sure, if your parent is just being needy and and you're feeling negative about what's going on with your parent because they're so continuing to ask and ask and lay more on you without having any feelings for you, I want you to go back in time. Go back in time 20 or 30 years and think about the relationship you had with your parents back then, your parents back then. Would your parent have reached out to you constantly and wanted you and continued to ask and ask and ask more and more and more of you back then, even though they knew you had other responsibilities, even though they knew that you were maybe married, that you had children that you were taking care of, that you had other things going on in life that you were committed to? Would your parent have asked and asked and asked and asked you to do things for them, to provide care for them if they knew that it was affecting the rest of your life? And my guess is no, they wouldn't have done that. And if they would have not done that 20 or 30 years ago, and they're doing it now, it's probably because of their aging brain. Because their personality, their core adult personality wouldn't have changed. It's more that their brain is changing to make them not realize what it is they're asking you is a huge sacrifice and really affecting you. A lot of people like to blame their parents, but a lot of it is not the fault of your parents. And if you realize that, you're going to know that they're probably not going to change. They're probably going to get more needy. They're going to have more things that they need. They're going to be asking more and more and more. And if they're not going to change, then the only thing that's going to make this situation better as time goes on is you and your ability to change. And I know that's really difficult, but that's what I'm here to help you with. So the very first step in making boundaries with your aging parent is to define what your boundaries are. A lot of people, it's so easy to say what they don't want, but it's really hard. Nobody's ever asked, what do you want? What are your boundaries? What are your limits? It could be a certain number of hours that you're able to help your parent in a week or a certain number of days in a week. It could be a certain number of telephone calls you're willing to accept while you're at work from your parent. It could be a certain amount of money that you're willing to contribute or are able to contribute without negatively affecting the rest of your life. It could be something like I can help until it starts to affect my marriage or until it starts to affect my employment or until my stress level is an 8 out of 10 or a 6 out of 10. Whatever it is for you. There's no right or wrong. It's different for every single person, but you need to be able to define it. And I really encourage you to write it down. Be explicit in writing down what your boundary will be. And the reason it's important to write it down is because you want to be able to recognize the day when you've got there. Because a lot of people who don't define their boundaries, that day just goes by and then another year or two down the road they're so overwhelmed and they don't know why and when did that happen. Well if you write it down and define it right now, you'll know exactly what day that happened and you'll know exactly what you need to do on that day. So write it down and be clear about what your boundary will be. And if you've already passed that, you know, if this is what your boundary is but you're already past it, then it's really important for you to know because there is a gap in there that you're going to need to negotiate with your parent. So the next step is you're going to want to get ready to talk to your parent. And this is the scariest part because so many of us have never put limits on our parents because you have this dynamic with them that doesn't exist with any other person in your life. This parent-child dynamic has been going on for 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years and all of a sudden it's shifting and this is new territory. So I understand that this is really scary. So the first step to making boundaries with your parents is to define it, write it, put it down in paper, say it out loud, make sure it's clear. You're going to want to ideally communicate with your parent before you've got to the point of boundaries because it's good for not only you to be clear but for them to be clear as well. And earlier on they're more clear-headed, for lack of a better word, that their brain hasn't evolved to such a point that they're never going to understand what's affecting you. They'll be easier for them to have a conversation. So earlier better because you want them to also recognize the day when that comes and know that you're going to have to make a change. The next part is actually communicating this to your parent which is really difficult. You don't want to just go in and say I have boundaries, I have new rules and this is the way it's going to be because you know that's not going to be helpful. It's going to make them put their guard up. It's going to turn into an argument or a tear fest and that is not going to move your conversation forward. So you're going to want to do something called disarming your parent. You're going to want to share with them how difficult this conversation is, that you're worried about this conversation. You're going to warn them that it's a difficult conversation which will help them kind of relax into and accept the fact that you're going to have a difficult conversation. But it kind of lets their guard down a little. So you can say something like Dad I really need to talk to you about something. It is something that's really been on my mind and if I have to be honest I'm a little bit nervous. I'm a little bit scared about having this conversation with you. But I hope that you let me talk from my heart because I love you and I think we need to have this conversation. And most of our parents unless they're completely demented and their dementia or Alzheimer's is so progressed, they're going to say okay I'll listen to you. And that's all that we can ask for is we want an in to open the door to have a conversation with our parents. So next once you've disarmed your parent you're going to want to before you jump into your boundaries acknowledge the situation that they're in. You know from their point of view and being a person who needs help and who requires this time and who is sick and debilitated and maybe in pain or just so old that they can't take care of things anymore. Acknowledge it from their point of view. Have some empathy for them. So you know saying something like you know I know that since you've been out of the hospital things haven't been the same and it must be really hard that you need so much help and you probably didn't think that it was ever going to get to this point. You know acknowledge where they're coming from. Let them know that you're trying to see this from their point of view which you are trying to do. Let them know that you have been happy to help. Saying something to the effect of you know I'm so glad that I have time available that I'm here to help you. You know I have eight hours extra you know during the week on these nights that I've been able to help you and on the weekend. I'm so happy to be able to do that for you and I want to be able to continue to do that. I do have to let you know that if it gets to this point that worries me that it's going to affect my life or my marriage or my finances and if it gets there then you know it'd be good if we talked about other options. But until then I'm so happy to be here helping you. So I just wanted to see what you thought about that and then sit back and listen to them. Listen to their concerns. Hopefully they're willing to have a conversation with you and you've put it out there that you're you're working with them. That you're willing to help them, be there for them, love them, support them up until a point and you've said it with love and respect and that's all that you know any of us can ask and who knows what their response is going to be. So this leads me to the next step before you go and talk to your parent. I need you to write this down. What do you think their response is going to be? Do you know your parent better than probably anybody? Are they going to yell at you and call you lazy and oh or tell you oh you don't love me or just shut down? Are they going to start to cry? What are one or two or three possible responses that they're going to have to your having that conversation about boundaries? Write it down and write down a response and the reason why you want to write a response is because you want to be able to practice that response. You want to be able to respond and not react when they come up with whatever it is they come up with because a reaction is just a knee-gut-off-the-cuff reaction that often isn't the best thing out of our mouths. So if you write down what you think they're going to respond and your response to that that's loving and supportive then practice those things. So you're ready. You need to be ready for whatever your parent comes back at you with. So you know if your parent says you are just so lazy I can't believe you only can come here two days a week. You don't want to react. You don't want to be angry. You don't want to be negative. You want to try to respond in a way that's supportive and loving and also that is supporting and loving to you and your boundaries. So if they call you lazy you know you can say I am sorry that you think that. I'm going to continue to do what I'm doing um and I will see you next week. I'll be back on Saturday. If they say you know you're not going to take me to the store today when I need I need this you know xyz today you're not going to take me to the store you just don't love me. A lot of our parents can do that to us. You know you can be ready and say of course I love you mom. I love you more than anybody. I will try to get that delivered otherwise I'll be there on Saturday and we'll take care of it. End of it. That's the end of it and this takes a lot of practice. Takes a lot of practice but this is you taking care of yourself in a loving and respectful way. So to sum it up if you can define what your boundaries are, disarm your parent before you have the conversation. Acknowledge where they're coming from. Do this with love and support and respect and anticipate what the outcomes might be and be ready with your responses. You're going to be so far ahead. You're going to feel like um you did the right thing. You didn't have to be mean to them. This is not a mean negative thing and regardless of how your parent reacts you're taking care of yourself. It's all that you can expect of yourself and you're doing a really great job. I hope that you try to implement this. If you do please put down in the comments what the outcome was because other people who watch this are afraid to try it and they're going to want to know if it worked for you or not. So go ahead and put a comment below. I really hope this information was helpful for you today. Thank you so much for watching and I'll see you next time.