" Dick Emery 'Street Interviews' Funny British Comedy Humor Sketch Skits"

There are very few of us who are fortunate enough not to have to work for our living. The vast majority of us have to earn our bread in one way or another. To the lucky ones, work is a daily pleasure. To the others, it's the daily grind. I'm here to ask people how they feel about their own particular way of making a living. Now, here's a gentleman who looks as if his work lies in the country. Are you in London on business, sir? Oh, I brought me old bitch up for the sheep drug trials. Really? Have you had a long? Ah, last year we celebrated our silver wedding anniversary. Excuse me, madam. Miss. Oh, miss. May I ask you, as an unmarried lady, do you have a job of work? Yes, I'm training to be a prison visitor. Highly commendable. Yes, I can't wait to visit the men in their cells and sort out their little problems. Surely some of them haven't seen a woman for years. Wouldn't you consider that a risk? Oh, no, a fringe benefit. Well, I'm looking for a nice young man. No, madam. No, I must insist. Excuse me, sir. May I ask how you earn your living? Well, I'm self-employed, aren't I? Really? What exactly do you do? I'm in the otherwisal business. The what? The otherwisal business. Perhaps you could explain that. Well, I go to the shopkeeper. He gives me five pounds a week. Otherwisal kick his windows in. May I have a word with you, sir? Oh, yes. I'm asking about people's occupations. I'm a medical practitioner. Ah, a doctor. Well, a psychiatrist, to be exact. I treat the troubled mind, root out delusions and fantasy. Fascinating. It must be a tremendous strain, that sort of job. Oh, not really. I mean, when one has had the necessary training and background, it's really quite a doddle. Isn't it, Herbert? Herbert? He's my partner. Remarkably fine doctor for a 14-stone battery gardener. Come along, Herbert. Uh, excuse me, sir. I'm asking people about work. Oh, yes. Tell me, do you find it very hard work, digging these holes? Well, it's easy if you've got a system. Now, me, I dig my guts out for an hour, then I lean on my shovel for five minutes, like I'm doing now, you see. You haven't got a shovel. Oh, my God. Have you ever had one of those days? You know what I mean. One of those days where everything you touch goes wrong. You get up in the morning, you slip on the soap in the bath, cut yourself shaving, then you get a big tax demand through the post. From then on, it's all downhill. Well, I'm here to ask people about those days when they wish they'd stayed in bed. Excuse me, sir. Yes. Tell me, do you occasionally have a day when everything goes wrong? Yes, every day. I don't know what it is, but the faints seem to pick on me. I'm just dead unlucky, that's all. Dead unlucky. Excuse me, madam. Miss. Oh, miss. Tell me, have you ever had one of those days when things go wrong for you? Oh, yes. Last Saturday, I was staying with my sister and we woke up in the middle of the night to find this huge man climbing in through the window and it was a terrible fight. How awful. Who won? My sister. I had to sleep in the bathroom all night. Are you married? Well, as a matter of fact, that's something that I... Oh, why don't you find a nice young man? Look, I'd much rather get on a plane. May I have a word with you, sir? Yes, yes, yes. Get on with it. What is it? Well, I expect like most of us, you suffer from those awful days when fate just seems to conspire against you. Certainly not. I don't believe in that stupid mumbo-jumbo. Don't permit that sort of thing to happen to me. Discipline, that's what you need, old boy. Discipline. Be organised. Lead a well-regulated life. Then nothing can possibly go wrong. Good day to you, sir, and carry on. Excuse me, sir. Yeah? What are you doing with that pram? Taking my sister's baby for a walk. I see. Do you mind if I ask you a question? We all have bad days in our lives. Can you think of any one particular one? Oh, yeah. I can think of a shocking, horrible one. Yes? Day some villain set fire to the local nick and all the coppers came running out with their backsides on fire. That's terrible. When did that happen? Tomorrow. We're all of us aware that destiny, luck, fortune, call it what you will, plays a large and sometimes a significant part in our lives. A chance remark, a casual meeting, can sometimes alter the entire pattern of our future. I'm here today to ask people whether they recall ever being touched by the fickle finger of fate. Oh, sorry, mate. That's all right. Just a minute, sir. Yeah? Do you believe that a chance encounter like this can change your whole future life? No, no. Change yours, innit? How do you mean? I just nicked your wallet. Stop! Stop, Pete! Excuse me, madam. Miss. Oh, miss. Uh, tell me, have you ever been touched by the fickle finger? Yes, I have. In the tube last night. I taught him a lesson. I got him locked up. In the police station? No, in my back bedroom. Are you married? Well, as a matter of fact... Oh, look, I'm looking for a very nice man. No, no, I am... No, I'm... I'm looking for a very nice man. Am I talking for? Uh, excuse me, sir. Um, how have the fates been treating you lately? Don't ask. Everything's gone wrong in my life. Last week I had my bike pinched, the house caught fire, and the missus ran away with the rent man. But that's terrible. It doesn't look as if things are going to be much better this week. And why is that? You're standing on my toe. I'm so sorry. Still, that's life, isn't it? Oh, well, back to work. Lucky chance. Get your lucky chance here. I beg your pardon, sir. Yes, old boy. Tell me, do you believe in luck? Oh, I most certainly do. For instance, I never go anywhere without the old golden banana. A banana? But, uh, how can that be lucky? Well, the wife slipped on one and fell off the Eiffel Tower. Come along, darling. Since the caveman, and even before the formation of clans and tribal groups, the basic human unit has always been the family. Well, modern civilization has thrown an enormous stress on the family structure, but even so, it survives, more or less intact. I'm here today asking people what they feel about this most intimate and sometimes difficult relationship. You can sing along now. Dance the night away. Come on and do the... Oh, hello, son. There you go. Hello, sir. Very well, thank you. Can I ask, do you come from a big family? Yeah, I've got loads of brothers and sisters. Smashing lot, they are. Would you describe your family as tight-knit? Yeah, not at all. My dad's always tight, and mum's a nit. Excuse me, madam. Miss. Oh, miss. I'm asking questions about family life and so on. How do you feel about mothers and fathers? Oh, I think it's a lovely game. Let's play. May I have a word with you, Jack? Fire away, chief. Do you have any children, may I ask? Have I got any children? Only 14 of them, that's all. 14? That's quite a family. What does your wife think about that? Think about it? She don't even know about it. Excuse me, sir. Yes, old boy. I'm asking about family relationships. Oh, don't mention family to me. Mine's just cost me a bomb. Really? Yes, I just paid 200 quid to some idiot to have my family history traced. Oh, that's very interesting. What? Cost me another 300 to have it hushed up. Have you a moment, sir? Buongiorno. Oh, Italian? Siciliano. I'm asking questions about something that is held in great respect in your country. What is that, sir? The family. You want the godfather to have us both killed? Over the ages, a great deal of man's knowledge and philosophy has been condensed and expressed in the form of mottos and proverbs. I'm sure we're all familiar with dozens, perhaps even hundreds of these. In fact, there's hardly any circumstance of life that doesn't have its own applicable saying. I'm here today to ask people for their views on these nuggets of encapsulated wisdom. Uh, may I interrupt you a moment? Yes. Do you believe that the old proverbs hold good in modern society? I most certainly do. That lady's just proved that one of them does. Which one's that? It's far better to travel than to arrive. Excuse me, madam. Miss. Oh, miss. Would you mind telling me, do you have a favorite proverb or saying? Yes, the one hanging over my bed at home. And what's that? There's many a good tune played on an old fiddle. Are you married? Well, as a matter of fact... Well, look, I'm an old fiddle. Really? Excuse me, sir. All right. I'm asking people about their favorite proverbs and sayings. Do you have one? No. But my old mum says, quickness of the hand deceives the eye. Really? Yeah. Does she do card tricks? No, supermarkets. Excuse me, Jack. Oh, hello, son. How you going? Very well, thank you. I'm asking questions about mottos. Do you have one that particularly appeals to you? Nah, don't go much on them myself. I've got a favorite poem, though. Oh, how does that go? A sailor gets home from the sea with gifts for his wife and his mother. His mum gets a parrot and six yards of silk and his wife gets a bit of... Good job you stopped me then, eh? Uh, pardon me, vicar. Ah, good day to you, sir. Good day, sir. Can you tell me, what do you think of pithy sayings? Beg your pardon? Pithy sayings. I think it's disgraceful for a man to get into that condition. Disgraceful. Human nature being what it is, we're all a compound of good and bad. I suppose at one time or another, we've all had a stab in the back which has temporarily made us lose faith in our fellow human beings. On the other hand, an unexpected act of kindness can quickly restore that. I'm here today to ask people for their views on the two faces of man. Uh, excuse me, sir. Tell me, do you believe that man has two faces? No, I don't. Why not? Well, because if he had, you wouldn't be using that one, would you? You're half ugly. Excuse me, madam. Miss. Oh, miss. May I ask, do you consider that man is a mixture of good and evil? Oh, I think men are dreadful. I was having a bath the other day and I found the window cleaner looking at me with his lecherous eyes. He wanted me to let him in, but I couldn't. Oh, of course you couldn't. No, the blasted window was stuck. Are you married? Well, as a matter of fact, madam, I... Oh, good. Well, look, I'm looking for a nice young man... No, but, please, madam, I'm... Excuse me, sir. Oh, yes, old boy. Tell me, can you recall anyone ever doing you an unexpected good turn? Oh, yes, indeed. My dear old dad did. He married a 19-year-old wife up north and left her the lot. That doesn't sound like a good turn to me. Oh, we're not complaining, are we, mummy? Come along, darling. British have always been regarded as a clannish people. They tend to cling together in social groups and have a strong sense of local identity. Well, some people think that this community spirit is being broken down and destroyed by the new fashion for high-rise blocks and new towns. I'm here today to find out just how dependent we all are on our friends and neighbours. Excuse me, vicar. Oh, yes, my son. As a man of the church, you must have the interests of the community very much at heart. Oh, I do indeed. For instance, on behalf of my flock, I've been keeping a critical eye on some of the scandalous strip clubs in our neighbourhood. And what are your conclusions? Well, for my money, you can't whack Miss Lulu and her trained pison with the girlies galore. Excuse me, sir. Do you find there's a strong community spirit in your neighbourhood? Oh, no, fantastic it is. You take Charlie the window cleaner. He fell off a ladder and broke his arm. There he was, poor soul, trying to carry on working, wearing himself out, one-handed. Oh, what a shame. Yeah, so us lads stepped in and helped him out. By cleaning the windows for him? Oh, no, no, we broke his other arm. Can you spare a moment, madam? Miss. Oh, miss. Tell me, do you believe that one should help one's neighbours? Oh, yes. I live next door to a rugby club. Last month, their dressing room got burnt down, so I let all those beastly men use my bedroom to change in. Well, that's very kind. I expect you'll miss them when their dressing room's been rebuilt. Oh, not for long. I'm going to burn it down again. Are you married? Oh, well, as a matter of fact, madam. I'm looking for a nice young man. I'd rather not be hung in the pub. Excuse me, sir. Oh, yes, old boy. Tell me, do you believe in being a good neighbour? I most certainly do. I mean, you take the other evening. My neighbour's pussy got stuck up on the roof and I had to climb up and get it down. And I fell straight through into the au pair's bed. That's unbelievable. That's exactly what my wife's solicitor said, didn't he? How long ago? Uh, excuse me, Jack. Oh, hello, sir. Um, do you think we all have need of friends and neighbours? Oh, yeah. Don't laugh. I mean, we've got a saying in the Navy. Love thy neighbour, the good book says. And that's advice from heaven. I love mine till half past six. Her dad gets home at seven. Britain's increasing ties with Europe must mean eventually that some of the continental bank holidays will be adopted by us and we shall find ourselves enjoying additional days off. I'm here to ask people how they intend to use this extra leisure time. Excuse me, sir. Oh, yes, my son. Tell me, do you do anything special on bank holidays? Oh, yes, indeed, yes. I eke out my stipend by helping one of the local publicans. From behind the bar? Oh, goodness me, no, no. I stand outside and preach one of my sermons. Five minutes of that is enough to drive anybody to drink. Excuse me, madam. Oh, miss. Tell me, do you have a favourite way of spending a bank holiday? Yes, I invite the man in from next door and we have a seance together. It's unusual. Yes, we sit there in the dark holding hands and I hope and praise that I shall experience something out of this world. And do you? Some blooming spirit always comes along and spoils everything. Are you married? Well, as a matter of fact. You're not a spirit, are you? No, I'm not a spirit. No, no, I beg you. Excuse me, sir. Oh, hello, son. How are you going? Very well, thank you. May I ask, how do you plan to spend the next bank holiday? Oh, I'm going up to Falkirk Square for a demo. Oh, what cause will you be supporting? Bigger government allowances for unmarried mothers. How does that concern you? Well, I'd like to see my mum get an extra bob or two. See you, son. Bye. As Shakespeare once said, there is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Well, I'm sure this is true for all of us. Life is full of opportunities and whether we take advantage of them or not, they can still affect the course of our lives. I'm here today to ask people to recall their particular golden chances. Uh, excuse me, warden. Oh, yes. Tell me, have you ever had an absolutely golden opportunity? Oh, yes. I had one only yesterday. Really? Yes, there was this car sitting at the meter. Two pound excess. Tyres were worn. Road fund licence out of date. Perfect it was. I had me book out. The owner was hurrying across the road towards me. I got him. Yes? Just my flaming luck. Got knocked down by a bus. Is this your car? Well, yes, as a matter of fact, it is. Excuse me, vicar. Oh, hello, my son. Hello, sir. Tell me, have you ever had an opportunity and made a decision which turned out for the best? Oh, indeed, I have, yes. One such springs to mind immediately. I once had the opportunity of saving a young lady of my acquaintance from being amorously assaulted and smothered in violent and passionate kisses. How did you do that? I managed to talk myself out of it. What is this? Oh, miss, I'm asking people about making the most of life's opportunities. Oh, don't talk to me about it. I was once engaged to a man who took me on holiday to Morocco. An Arab offered to buy me for a couple of camels. I'm sure that was an opportunity your fiancé firmly resisted. Yes, he did, until he made him agree to throw in a couple of saddles. Are you married? Well, as a matter of fact, it's not something I like to talk about, madam. No, please. No, not against the fence. Oh, hello. Do you ever feel that you've missed anything in life? Yeah, I never learned to drive. Well, that's no great handicap, surely, not being able to drive. Just when you're a car thief. Most people during the course of their lives have an experience that can be described as uncanny or not susceptible to normal explanation. These glimpses into the world beyond the flesh can take many forms, a hunch, a dream, a premonition. I'm here today to ask people to recall their own particular experiences of this nature. Excuse me, sir. Oh, hello. Have you ever had a premonition? A what? A premonition that something was going to go wrong. Oh, yeah. It was last year, see. I'd just knocked off this big black car, and as soon as I got in, I had this feeling that something was going to go wrong. Why do you think that was? A couple of copper sitting in the back. Excuse me, madam. Miss. Oh, miss. Tell me, do you believe it's possible to see into the future? Oh, yes. I mean, I know I'm going to be assaulted by a tall, dark, handsome man wearing glasses. Really? And when will this be? Any minute now, sir. Excuse me, sir. Oh, hello, sir. Hello. Have you ever had an experience that you are totally unable to comprehend? Oh, yes. Absolutely baffling. Do you know, I came home early one night, unexpectedly, and found my wife having a session with the butler. Well, I'm sorry, but I don't see why you think that's so utterly mystifying. Oh, you haven't seen my wife, old boy. Pardon me, sir. My son, how you going? Very well, thank you. Tell me, do you believe in the supernatural? Yeah, not at all. Any particular reason? Well, I picked up this bird once, you see, and she came to the right of my opinion. She turned out to be a witch. Good Lord, how did you find that out? Well, when she put her hand on my knee, I turned into a light boy. Can I ask you a question? It's Timo, ain't she? Do you believe that there are weird, incomprehensible powers that interfere in our lives without rhyme or reason? Yeah, we call them officers. Not no nation in the world is quite as conscious of class distinction as the British. To know one's station in life is still regarded as a virtue by many sections of the community. Prejudice and snobbery manifest themselves in many different ways. The old-school tie, the elusive establishment, you and non-you, and just the cold-blooded us and them. I'm here to ask British people just what they feel about this peculiarly British characteristic. Excuse me, sir. Oh, yes, what? May I ask you a question? What do you think of the working class? Oh, ghastly, absolute villains. Do you know, about a couple of weeks ago, my chauffeur pinched my rose. Haven't seen hide nor hair of it since. Oh, but haven't you tried to recover it? Oh, certainly not, no. The missus was in the back. Come on, darling. Excuse me, madam. Miss. Tell me, do you believe that some men are better than others? I don't know. I've never had the chance to find out. Are you married? Well, as a matter of fact, I... Oh, I'm looking for a nice young man. Excuse me, Vicar. What do you feel about class distinction? I think it's totally wrong. In the eyes of our Lord, all men are created equal and our behavior should mirror their thought. In other words, do as you would be done by. Oh, exactly. And I'd like to do the rotten swine who puts the washer in the place every Sunday. Generally speaking, man is not a solitary creature. He is by nature a herd animal. And this instinct shows itself in the many complicated group activities he has devised. Today, I'm asking people whether they prefer to do things in a crowd or to go it alone. Excuse me, sir. Yeah. Do you like doing things with people? No, I like doing people with feet. Excuse me, madam. Miss. May I ask, do you lead an active social life? No, I don't. Not like the people in the flat above mine. I have wild parties every weekend. And drinking and dancing and all sorts of wicked debauchery goes on. Keeps me awake all night, they do. Well, haven't you complained to them? Yes, I have, but they still won't invite me. Dammit. Well, as a matter of fact, I... Can't we have a wild party together? Fine. Pardon me, sir. Yes. Tell me, do you find it easy to mingle with your fellow men? No, I find it very difficult to get close to people. Why is that? I'm in charge of the skunk house at the zoo. Anyway, see, you don't like me either. Now, here's a girl guide. Hello. Hello, my dear. Tell me, do you enjoy the guide movement? Oh, yes. I taught it to a boy scout and he enjoyed it too. Excuse me, vicar. Oh, yes, your boy. Tell me, sir, as a man of the cloth, do you think that people these days meet and mingle in friendship sufficiently? Oh, no, I do not, no. One should rely on the precepts of the good book, you know. Do unto others, love thy neighbor. There are only two things in this world that I really abhor. And they are religious intolerance and those flaming Methodists.