25 Minutes Of Kathleen Madigan)

My mom was a nurse for 30 years. She's retired. I said, out of nowhere, while we're pushing a cart, God, I have a splitting sinus headache. She goes, oh, here. And roots through her giant purse and goes, take this. And I took it. And about a second later, I hear, oh. I said, what was that all about? She goes, did you swallow that? Yep. I sure did. Swallow it. What color was it? I don't know, Mom. I don't know. I didn't look at what color it was. Kathleen, why didn't you look at what color the pill was? Why? Because you're not somebody I met at a party. You were my mom. You were a nurse for 30 years. I bought the whole story. I did. I trusted you. I ate it blind. I just ate it blind. I said, well, if you had to guess, what kind of pill do you think I ate? She said, well, I don't know. It's hard to tell. It came out of the blue unmarked bottle that your father and I call the All-Stars. It could be anything from pain medication to blood pressure pills, Kathleen. I said, what if it's his blood pressure medication? She said, you're going to pass out. And that's why we should abandon our carts and leave this Target immediately. Because I can't drag you out of here with this bad knee. That knee replacement did not work. I don't care what he says. It didn't work. And you're not going to want me to drive home, Kathleen, because it takes forever. Because I don't make left turns anymore. Now I don't even care what kind of pill I ate. Now I just want to understand why she doesn't make left turns anymore. I saw a bit. It's not always left. It's anything into oncoming traffic where you have to cross lanes to get to your lanes. UPS doesn't allow their drivers to do it. And they save millions of dollars. Your father and I retire if we have that kind of time. You drive to the next light. And you cautiously make a U-turn, Kathleen. That's what you do. They are starting to do crazy things. About, I don't know, four days later, I went back into her purse to get a little something else out of that All-Star bottle, which turned out to be delicious. And I thought I had one of my nephew's guns. And it was like a toy. But it was kind of heavy. And I was like, ah. She goes, careful. Ha, that's loaded. I go, really, Mom? You just walk around with a loaded pistol all the time? No? Yeah. I go, really? Why? And without misbehavior, she goes, uh-huh, rape. Wait a minute, Mom. Wait a minute. Do you mean you think you're going to get raped? Or do you mean you think we're going to stumble upon a rape in progress and then shoot the rapists and become ZMN heroes and get to meet Anderson Cooper? Because at 70, Mom, I'm not saying you're still not as cute as the devil, because you are. But I think you slipped out of the holy crap, I got to rape that lady right now category. I think you dropped down into, I think I might steal that lady's Cadillac at Walgreens, because she leaves the keys on the pharmacy counter for at least 37 minutes every time she shops. Then she goes off and can't remember where she parked the car. Still doesn't know she has the keys. It is cool to see your parents get older, though, and not care anymore. Because there's seven kids in my family. They were as strict as you could be. But now they're grandparents. My one brother's got three boys. They're four, two, and nothing. Whatever you call that. I don't know. He's new. My parents volunteered to babysit for three days while him and his wife went away. I said, oh, I'll come down and help you for a couple days. I'm off in the middle. Sure, I'll help. My dad, very patient. My mom, still not even this day. She told the older one, Patrick, I need you to put the iPad down. He goes, no. Look at the guts on him. She told me to eat a pill, and I just did it. At this age, I don't even, no. I didn't even look at what color it was. That's how obedient I am. Wow, look at this guy. Look at this guy. Four. No. She said, Patrick, I'm not kidding. I said, put the iPad down. He goes, no. And he shut the door. Right at her. My mom unravels. Jack, Jack, did you see what he did? Did you see what? Vicki, Vicki, you are 70. He is four. Get a handle on yourself. We can't re-parent these people in three days. I don't care what goes on here. It's our job to get out alive, okay? I don't, I don't care if he eats the iPad. I don't. We'll buy another iPad. That's what we'll do. All I know is two hours before they get home, we're going to shower the three of them, put them on the couch, and go, they were lovely. And then we're going to the casino. That's how this is going to end. And they've gotten more liberal, the older they've gotten, which is weird, because usually your parents go the other way. Like the very first Obama election, I wanted Hillary. My parents are old-school Democrats, but my dad does not like the Clintons. He hates the Clintons because of NAFTA. He's never going to get over NAFTA. How could you think about supporting that woman? She was with him the whole way on NAFTA, the whole way. And if you'd like to know exactly what's wrong with NAFTA and the problems that it has caused this country, you can call 573-348-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, ask for Jack, and you will get a two-hour dissertation on why exactly this country has fallen apart. They wanted Obama. I just never... I voted for Obama, but I never... I always thought, I think he thinks we're a little bit more of a team than we are. Like, here's the thing. Sir, we get you elected, and then you do ----, and then you tell us about it. That's how I thought this was going to roll. Oh, no. Low-level Obama. He's on TV all the time. America, I'm going to need your help on this. Sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir. We are busy, okay? Shark Week is on. I don't know if you're familiar with that. That's not something you tape. You've got to watch that live. It always sucks on tape. Doomsday preppers, I have eight episodes. I've yet to watch. I don't even watch reality, but if you have never seen that show, I think it's the craziest you can be. They are preparing for the end of the world, these people. They all think it's something different. A dirty bomb. The government's going to take over. They have all these ideas of how the world's going to end, but they prepare differently. They have bunkers. They have medicine for life. But what's even more bizarre than what they're doing is every single one of them is married. Oh, really? Normal, nice friends that can't get a date. And you, you... If you want to feel better about your health and you want to feel like a really in-shape, healthy person, even if you're not, go on a cruise ship for a week. A lot of drinkers and eaters on those ships. It'll drink and eat you into feeling great. I, wow. I had never been on a cruise ship, ever. And Louis Black booked a comedy cruise and made me go. And I got to Miami. I'd never even seen a cruise ship up close. They're humongous. It holds 4,000 people. It's gigantic. My sister goes, what was it like? Me and Matt'll go, here's what it was like. Picture if we were all in Las Vegas standing in the Bellagio and all of a sudden it just sailed away. The whole building. And nobody panicked or acted weird. I say bye. Hey, wanna try a monkey-ass rum punch? Yes! I love monkey-ass rum punch. Seven monkey-ass rum punches later you hear, and now we will be doing the safety drill. What? Why am I hammered? I can't do a safety drill. It is on your muster station, which is located on the back of your key card. It will not match your deck or room, so please pay. What, what, what, what, what? Now there's math involved? This is a terrible vacation. There's no math on vacation. I finally found my room and I was next to these lovely people from Wisconsin and they had balloons all over their door and I was like, oh hey, is it somebody's birthday or anniversary? And the guy goes, no. We just get so hammered on these ship and these rooms all look alike, so we decorate our door. And the good news for you, sweetheart, is every time you find this door you got a 50-50 chance of finding your room. Yes I do, Mr. Milwaukee. You are my new best friend. Don't tell me alcoholics are lazy. Look at that energy. He had to get tape, balloons, he had to stop smoking for four seconds to blow them up. There's a lot of activities. Oh yeah, you get on this ship and there's this giant neon board. It looks like a Vegas sports betting board. You're like, oh, it's so overwhelming. You're like, oh, that looks fun. That looks fun. Well, if you're a sleeper-inner or a drinker-later, you will not be involved in any of these activities because these will require you to be up at 6 a.m. with a fanny pack on ready to jump in some dinghy with your new friends from Buffalo. And, uh, no, because my friend Shea wanted to do it all. I'm like, no. I am not getting up at 6 a.m. to go to Stingray Village. I don't have it in me. Uh, if someone puts the stingrays in my bathtub, I will pet them, but I am not, I'm not doing that. I don't care enough. Her and her husband Mike, they did every activity. You sure? And she checked back in. You sure I can't play? Tomorrow we're gonna zip line through the Mexican jungle. I'm sure. There is nothing I could think of that would make me projectile vomit more quickly than to be hot and hungover and shot through a Mexican jungle on a rubber band. No. No, I'm good. I am good right here on this chair with my monkey-ass rum punch. And you know what? You call me crazy, Shea, but I question the safety of that apparatus. I truly do. Oh, no, no, no, they make you sign a form. Really? What form? Who made those up? Juan and Julio in the van that won't be there when you come back with your flesh-eating bacteria wound that there's no hospital around? Hope you have a good time with the ship doctor getting your bacteria eaten leg fixed up. If you're a drinker or a sleeper hitter, your activity adventure will consist of getting off that ship at about noon into some sad little Mexican town where you're going to hear a guy in an alley go, psst, psst. And you don't know why, but you're going to go over to that guy because you want to hear what he has to offer. And you're going to go over there and he's going to show you a clipboard with pictures of pretty fish and he's going to tell you he can take you to snorkel in there for $20 and you're going to say $10. You don't know why he even said that. And then he's going to say $15 and the next thing you know you're going to be on a rickety-ass partridge family bus going to Christ knows where because that's when Lou got the maddest he's ever been at me because we were the only two that agreed to this adventure. He was like, this is stupid. That's the stupidest thing you've ever taught me into. We don't know who the **** that man is. We don't know where this bus is really going. I said, I know, Lou. That's why this is a real adventure. Those people on that Royal Caribbean ship know exactly what time they're coming back tonight. We may never come back tonight, Lou. Do you understand the level of excitement I have provided for $15 a man? Come on. The worst thing about a cruise ship, though, is they have a TV channel on your little boat channel. And in the afternoons, when I first turned it on, it's a picture of where you are in the ocean because there's cameras on the outside of the boat. You go, oh, isn't that lovely? And it's just the sea and nice spa music. But in the morning, no. When you turn that channel on, it's not the lovely ocean with spa music. It's a picture of your bill from the day before. Right. Oh, how mean is that? What kind of buzz kill is that? This is vacation. I don't need to review my bad behavior on a daily basis. What kind of sadist is running this ship? That is horrible. All that can wait till sad Sunday when it's checkout time. And I see the bill and I go, oh, my God. And then I become alarmed and I have that conversation that I seem to have with myself about once a year when I see it on paper, I go, holy Jesus Christ. I think you're an alcoholic. Hey, hey, shh, shh, shh. Hey, it was vacation. You bought drinks for those nice people from Buffalo. The drinks were overpriced. I think you need to take that alcoholic test online. Don't you dare. It's all true or false. You've never done well on true or false. You always guess wrong. They don't let you explain anything. The world is black and white to those people. The world is not a black and white place. The world has gray areas. Question number four example. Do you drink at home alone? True. However, I used to go out and drink with my friends at bars and then they said I couldn't drink and drive. So now I stay home sometimes and drink and watch Shark Week. So am I an alcoholic or am I just a really good citizen who loves America? I love America. Thank you, good night. I will never vote for Mitt Romney because he said, and I know he's telling the truth because they would have proved differently. The press would have and he's a devout Mormon so I completely believe him that at age 65, in his life, he had never had a drink, a drug, a cigarette, or a cigar. Ever. As an Irish Catholic, that sentence couldn't even go in my head. Er, er, er. Invalid information, invalid information, rephrase question, check age, check age, check age. I said to my brother, think about it, Pat. The only people that we know that can truly say that are babies. And that's just because they don't know yet. Yes, they like juice, but they haven't had a Bud Light. They don't know. And I judged him for that and that's not fair to that man, but I did. I did, I judged him. Because to me, a glass of wine or a cigarette or maybe a Lunesta, one of my favorites. If you've never taken a Lunesta, but you've seen the commercial, I'm here to let you in on a little secret. That neon butterfly is real. Yeah. Wow. Green, pink, ah, they're beautiful. But those are the ways a normal adult relieves stress to me. What, a cigar, maybe some pot, whatever it is you do. And if you don't do any of those, any of them, my mind goes to alarm state where I go, uh-oh, uh-oh, alien, alien, I think you're sleeping with a goat. That's how weird it is to me. That's not fair to Mitt Romney. I don't smoke pot. I never, never cared for it. But I'm very happy for my pot friends because this year, finally in government, something did change. A little bit of pot became legal in certain cities. Yeah, because I have plenty of pothead friends and they're very nice people. They don't do anything bad at all. They don't really do anything at all. Like, they're just low-key people. They don't bother anybody. They're not a pain in my ass. My drinking friends, yeah, they're a pain in my ass. I don't get calls from my pothead friends at three in the morning. Can you come get me? I'm in jail. I'm so dead. I hit a lake. When did they put a lake on Highway 40? This is ridiculous. There was no lake there. Seriously. You gotta bring 10 grand. Can you do that? It was always the argument against pot that I was found so, it was just so fantastical. People would go so crazy. You cannot legalize marijuana. It is a gateway drug. I think it is a gateway drug. If you legalize marijuana, the next thing you know, after a person smokes pot, they will be shooting heroin in a crack house in Cleveland with a dog named Banjo they didn't purchase. What? That's crazy. And it's a bad premise. Not everything's a gateway. That's where your premise is bad. Okay, when you were five and you stole a candy bar and you ate it and it was delicious, what was your next thought? You know what? I'm gonna kill a drifter. I've smoked cigarettes a lot of my life. I finally quit. I didn't want to quit. People who have never been addicted to anything never truly get it. Like, oh my God, you quit smoking. Do you feel better? No. Love to shove your face through glass just for saying that and then smoke whatever's left on the other side. That's how irritable I am right now about the fact that I can't smoke cigarettes. Just not that healthy of a person. I joined a gym and then my gym closed and then I had to go join another gym. That's a pain in the ass because you can't just pay and go in. You have to have a meeting and a consultation with somebody. Really? I don't want to. Well, you have to, Kathleen. You have to meet with Cindy. Oh, okay, great. Cindy is 21. Cindy is in shape. Cindy is happy to be alive. Everything is going great in Cindy's world. You get the happiest thing ever. But her voice is so high. The tone and the pitch. When she spoke, all I heard was a Yorkie barking. I swear to God. That's all I heard. Ruff! Fell off his foot! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! I was like, really? I can't speak to this lady? Like, I have money. Can't I just go in? No. Okay, Kathleen, before you can get in and everything, we have to write down some of your goals. Cindy, Cindy, I don't have any goals here. Maybe that's weird, but I don't have any goals. I'm not here for offense, Cindy. I'm here for defense. There's a big difference. I am here to try and pull a fourth quarter Hail Mary pass out of my ass before things get weird. Now, I don't know if that's possible, but I'm willing to pay $62 a month to not come here and find out. Kathleen, Kathleen, that's just sad. Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! No, it's not sad. It's just, well, I have to put something on that form or I'm gonna get in trouble. Okay, here's my goal. Ready? Ready? Here's my goal. I am here to delay the date and severity of my impending stroke. Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! It's so sad you don't see the gym as a fun place. Well, I don't, Cindy, and I think at my age, I think I know what's fun to me and I think I know what's not fun to me. A bar is fun to me. Trust me, year after year, I reprove it and reprove it. I really have a lot of fun at a bar. A gym? No. No, no. I've never stayed at a gym so long I got kicked out. Never. I never worked out so hard. Somebody had to take my keys because I was crazy. No. No, I don't have good habits. I don't. I have changed my diet none whatsoever ever since I was a kid. I still drink whole milk every day. That's weird in a lot of places now. I went in Starbucks and the kid's really nice and I know they have whole milk because it's in a silver container and it says whole milk and there's one right next to it that says, Skim, it's for your coffee but they're not selling whole milk and I said to the kid, I go, I know this might sound weird but if I gave you money, would you give me some milk? He goes, Would you like to try our soy milk? I said, I don't know. I went to bed at 11 o'clock last night. I didn't watch the news. You're the first person I've spoken to since I woke up today while I was asleep. Did all the cows in the world die? Because if so, I would like to try your soy milk.