I Make Horrible Decisions On Vacation | Kathleen Madigan

If you want to feel better about your health and you want to feel like a really in shape healthy person even if you're not, go on a cruise ship for a week. A lot of drinkers and eaters on those ships it'll drink and eat you into feeling great. I, wow, I had never been on a cruise ship ever and Louis Black booked a comedy cruise and made me go and I got to Miami. I'd never even seen a humongous. It holds 4,000 people. It's gigantic. My sister goes, what was it like? Me and Matt will go, here's what it was like. Picture if we were all in Las Vegas standing in the Bellagio and all of a sudden it just sailed away. The whole building and nobody panicked or acted weird. Hey, want to try a monkey ass rum punch? Yes, I love monkey rum punch. Seven monkey rum punches later here and now we will be doing the safety drill. What? What? I can't do a safety drill. It is on your muster station which is located on the back of your key card. It will not match your deck or room so please pay. What? What? Now there's math involved. This is a terrible vacation. There's no math on vacation. I finally found my room and I was next to these lovely people from Wisconsin and they had balloons all over their door and I was like, oh hey, is it somebody's birthday or anniversary? And the guy goes, no. We just get so hammered on these ship and these rooms all look alike so we decorate our door. And the good news for you, sweetheart, is every time you find this door you got a 50-50 chance of finding your room. Yes, I do, Mr. Milwaukee. You are my new best friend. Don't tell me alcoholics are lazy. Look at that energy. He had to get tape, balloons. He had to stop smoking for four seconds to blow them up. There's a lot of activities. Oh yeah, you get on this ship and there's this giant neon board. It looks like a Vegas sports betting board. You're like, oh, it's so overwhelming. You're like, oh, that looks fun. That's fun. Well, if you're a sleeper-inner or a drinker-later, you will not be involved in any of these activities because these will require you to be up at 6 a.m. with a fanny pack on, ready to jump in some dinghy with your new friends from Buffalo. And my friend Shay wanted to do it all. I'm like, no. I am not getting up at 6 a.m. to go to Stingray Village. I don't have it in me. If someone puts the stingrays in my bathtub, I will pet them, but I am not doing that. I don't care enough. Her and her husband Mike, they did every activity. You sure? And she checked back in. You sure I can't play? Tomorrow we're going to zip line through the Mexican jungle. I'm sure. There is nothing I can think of that would make me projectile vomit more quickly than to be hot and hungover and shot through a Mexican jungle on a rubber band. No, no, I'm good. I am good right here on this chair with my monkey-ass rum punch. And you know what? You can call me crazy, Shay, but I question the safety of that apparatus. They make you sign a form. Really? What form? Who made those up? Juan and Julio in the van that won't be there when you come back with your flesh-eating bacteria wound that there's no hospital around. Hope you have a good time with the ship doctor getting your bacteria-eating leg fixed up. If you're a drinker or a sleeper, your activity adventure will consist of getting off that ship at about noon into some sad little Mexican town where you're going to hear a guy in an alley go. And you don't know why, but you're going to go over that guy because you want to hear what he has to offer. And you're going to go over there and he's going to show you a clipboard with pictures of pretty fish. And he's going to tell you he can take you to snorkel in there for $20. And you're going to say 10. You don't know why he would say that. And then he's going to say 15. And the next thing you know, you're going to be on a rickety-ass partridge family bus going to Christ knows where because that's when Lou got the maddest he's ever been at me because we were the only two that agreed to this adventure. He was like, this is stupid. That's the stupidest thing you've ever talked me into. We don't know who the **** that man is. We don't know where this bus is really going. I said, I know Lou. That's why this is a real adventure. Those people on that Royal Caribbean ship know exactly what time they're coming back tonight. We may never come back tonight, Lou. Do you understand the level of excitement I have provided for $15 a man? Come on. The worst thing about a cruise ship though is they have a TV channel on your, uh, a little boat channel. And in the afternoons, when I first turned it on, it's a picture of where you are in the ocean. Cause there's cameras in the outside of the boat. You go, Oh, isn't that lovely. And it's just the sea and nice spa music. But in the morning, no, when you turn that channel on, it's not the lovely ocean with spa music. It's a picture of your bill from the day before. Right. Oh, how mean is that? What kind of buzzkill is that? This is vacation. I don't need to review my bad behavior on a daily basis. What kind of sadist is running this ship? That is horrible. All that can wait till sad Sunday when it's checkout time. And I see the bill and I go, Oh my God. And then I become alarmed. And I have that conversation that I seem to have with myself about once a year. When I see it on paper, I go, Holy Jesus Christ. I think you're an alcoholic. Hey, it was vacation. You bought drinks for those nice people from Buffalo. The drinks were overpriced. I think you need to take that alcoholic test online. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. It's all true or false. You've never done well. You always guess wrong. They don't let you explain anything. The world is black and white to those people. The world is not a black and white place. The world has gray areas. Question number four example. Do you drink at home alone? True. However, I used to go out and drink with my friends at bars and then they said I couldn't drink and drive. So now I stay home sometimes and drink and watch Shark Week. So am I an alcoholic or am I just a really good citizen who loves America? I love America. Thank you. Good night.