Stuart Goldsmith - Making Friends As An Adult

I'm married, yes! Yes, I've realised though, I have to stop showing that to people as if it proves anything. It turns out you can just buy these. Save an awful lot of fuss. I do have a wonderful wife, she's terrific. She is a tremendous example of the genre. Well, she is. We have quite an unusual power dynamic. I think most couples, it's true, are one leader, one follower. That's normally how people work their lives out. And there might be, I saw some people nodding there. Maybe you're thinking, you're in a couple right now. And you're thinking, oh, which one am I? In which case, I've got bad news for you. At the age of 42, my wife is currently trying to organise a grown-up playdate for me to go on with another man in order that I make a friend. It's true. I don't need your sympathy. I'm very happy. I'm not lonely, but I moved house. We had a long-distance relationship. And then I moved, I left the city that I love to be with the woman I like. And the difficulty I have... You're clapping too hard, sir. That tells us more about your life than mine. The difficulty I now have is that I don't meet other dads of young children, people I've got stuff in common with. They all work during the day and socialise in the evening. I have to socialise during the day because I work in the evening because of you. So the difficulty that I have is now we met this guy. We met this one guy, Ollie. A perfectly nice guy. Ollie seems like a nice guy. We met him for five minutes at a toddler rave. That's how I'm spending my Sunday afternoons now. A toddler rave. Three hours of banging electronic dance music on a Sunday afternoon. A hundred parents. Twice as many kids. All the kids are running around ripped to the tits on fruity pouches. So we got chatting to the guy. Lovely guy. Friendly guy. For five minutes. And then we wandered off. And ever since then, my wife has been stalking him on Instagram in order to pimp him to me as a potential friend. She's like, check it out. Ollie's into martial arts and board games and you really like board games and talking about martial arts. You should hang out. But suddenly it's reduced me to the position of being a toddler on the first day of playgroup. She's going, go on, you'll enjoy it. And I'm like, I don't want to. It's pathetic. That's not how men make friends. I have written, typed out and then deleted an introductory text message to this guy I don't know how many times because I have no idea how to package myself as a potential friend. I'm like, hello, mate. Hey, buddy. Who am I? I don't know who I am. I just find myself in this peculiar position. I don't even really speak with the men in my life that I love. My best friend, Noel. I love the guy to bits. I've known him 30 years. We've travelled the world together. I'll go and see him for a crafty pint. I'll come home. My wife will say to me, how's Noel? And I literally won't understand the question. How? How is Noel? He is simply Noel. Immutable, unchanging. He reminds me of me. I remind him of him. That's why we hang out. I can tell you what he thought of the new Spider-Man film. Is that what you mean? Is that how he is? Is that what you're talking about? And then she'll say something weird like, well, hasn't his mum been ill? I don't know. How do you know that? Stop asking my friends questions, you weirdo. It's absolutely absurd. I don't really speak with him. We don't talk with one another. We just sit there and conversationally groom one another like a pair of orangutans on a log in Borneo picking fleas out of each other's fleeces. Did you like the film? Yes, I did like the film. Yes, I thought it was good. Yes, you're like me. Yes. Did you watch Black Mirror the other day? Yes, I didn't like it to begin with but then I did like it at the end. Yes, I'm the same. Yes. I made the mistake of doing this material at a show near where I live. And a woman tweeted at me. I've never met her before. She tweeted at me the following day and she said, hey, Stu, just, you know, I really enjoyed that material the other night about the grown-up play date. But just in case you need to know, my friend Dan actually doesn't live far from here and he's freelance, so he's free. That's not what this is! This is not the platonic equivalent of that. This is not me walking out here and saying, hello, men. I am quite lonely and I wish to play Settlers of Catan. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. I've been Stu Gossman. Cheers.