My In-Laws Always Ask For Money (Cut them off?)

Brought to you by CH-OM, a budget-friendly, faith-based alternative to health insurance. chministries.org slash budget. What is the difference between being generous and enabling poor financial habits with family members? Love this question, and also, I'm sorry. How close are these family members? They're my husband, siblings, and mom. Well, I think you said the difference in your explanation. I think the difference is poor financial habits. I think that is the difference between helping and enabling. If somebody has really poor financial habits, and let me add this part, they're not interested in changing them, that is the difference. Because I think all of us started out at a point where we had a lot to learn financially, and when the knowledge came, we were willing to receive it. We were willing to look at ourselves and go, okay, yeah, they're right, I need to change. But if these family members are not willing to do that, that's where it becomes, I believe, enabling, because it's no longer helping them. Yeah, if there's no movement toward independence, and the direction is not toward freedom for themselves and autonomy, well, then we're just giving to give. If they keep asking for more giving, it's not really giving at that point. It's entitlement. So is that where you guys are at? Are they every month going, hey, can we get 500 bucks? No, and it's not even that much until maybe it's just in my head. But we've been married for seven years now, so I would say over the course of seven years, it's probably been every three months or so, and it rotates between them, and then sometimes his friend also asks as well. So word has been going around that it's Bank of Alice. Are you guys wealthy? No, and we've also gone through different jobs. We have two little kids at home, and so I stay at home and work. I do some side stuff. But between us, we probably are on track to make about 70 this year, but it's up and down. So it's not even like we're working six figures. Why do they make the assumption that Alice and friends will be able to fit the bill? Why do you think that is? Because you've given them money before? Yeah, and I'm not sure what he was doing when he was single and stuff, but it just has been $25 here, $50 here. I need help covering my phone bill. It's never really been like we can't put food on the table. It's always been like, hey, the bill is here. I don't know where it started and whatnot, but I just know that it just keeps... And it's still seven years later every once in a while it comes up. So I feel like I'm in a bad position because we have $25 we could send them, but I just know it's going to come around again. If you're serious about budgeting, you can't ignore healthcare. For most families, it's one of the biggest line items. Y'all, you can cut subscriptions and eating out, but if you're still stuck with a massive premium every month, it's going to be stressful. Now, Christian Healthcare Ministries is different. It's not insurance. It's believers sharing each other's medical bills. And the best part? Programs start at just $115 a month. So go to chministries.org slash budget and use code RAMSEY for 50% credit towards your first month. It's going to come around again. And I don't want it to be $500 or $1,000 in the future kind of thing. Are you guys debt-free? Yes. You're debt-free. What baby step are you on? I haven't really been following them, but we just re-rent. We don't have any credit card debt. We had school loans when we got married, but we paid them off within the first year. And then we had some credit card debt, but then we paid it off. Do you have any savings? Yeah, we're working towards like three to six months of, you know, built up. So I think we're about two months ahead on our budget. Okay. What does that equate to dollars wise? I think it's $3,800 a month. Okay. $3,800. You have $3,800 saved or that's what you... So all in total, it sounds like crazy, but between all of our accounts, we probably have about $20,000. But I have it like all earmarked for a month or a car fund or stuff like that. Okay. So the small tweak, and you didn't ask, but I'm just going to say this. The small tweak that I would make is I would make sure to do the math and figure out what would be six months of expenses. With $70,000, I like the idea of you having a full six months of expenses. It sounds like only one of you is working, not both of you. Yeah. My husband is working full-time and then I do like contractor work every once in a while. I'd love for it to be a full six months of expenses and I might hold back on the funds, especially if it's not something that's really, really pertinent to the moment. I would hold back on doing the funds and get the six months settled and then above and beyond, we could do the funds on top of that. So back to the question at hand. Yeah. You just have to say no. Is your husband aligned on this or are you the one who's like, hey, I don't like this pattern. He's like, well, it's just 25 bucks. It's fine. Or is he just as mad as you are? No, he sees it as like, it's only $25 and I see it as it's a pattern. And that's where I feel weird because I enjoy being generous. Are you generous in other areas? Are you church people that you do tithe or do you have foundations that you give to? Are you generous regularly in other ways? Yes. Yeah. We do 10% to our church and then we set aside another 10% to just give to random things. Okay. And is this part of the 10% that you set aside to give to the random things? No, not typically. It's usually like structured organizations, missionaries. Okay. So that answers that question. That answers that kind of moral dilemma of, am I not a generous person? Clearly you are because you are giving, it sounds like 10 to 20% of your income, which is very, very generous. So that answers that moral dilemma. Anything beyond that is, this is the relational part of it, which is somewhere in his mind or upbringing, he kind of feels like, well, this is just what you do. If your buddy asked for 10 bucks, you give it to him. We're not hurting. So what's the big deal? Now there is, I do want to, I think there's a difference here. If a friend of mine was like, Hey, we're out to dinner. She forgot her wallet. Of course I'm spotting her the 25, but whatever it is, that's very different than, Hey man, you know, I'm just coming on some hard times. Can you, can you spot me? You know, I just got, I need something for my cell phone bill. Right. That it's a different feeling. Cause it's like, well, what's causing this? So what you can do a very amazing way to be generous. If you have not already done, this is you and your husband. Number one, to George's point, you got to get on the same page. But when you do you sit down with the mother-in-law, you sit down with a friend, you sit down with the siblings and say, Hey, here's what, and separately, you're not at the same time. Here's what we're seeing. It just sounds like you guys, we love you guys. And it just sounds like you're going through a hard time. We'd love to show you the thing that helped us. We've been there and we started walking these baby steps. We thought it'd be a great idea. We'd love to gift you this and you can gift them every dollar. You can gift them financial peace university. Matter of fact, before you leave, we'll give you the total money makeover, put a bow on it and say, this is the best gift that we could give you because it's what helped us. And we know it can help you too. And that to me is a subliminal way of saying, stop asking me for money. They'll get the memo pretty quick. And it's okay to just say, Hey, we're not able to do that. That's not in the budget for us, but we'd love to sit down and help you create a budget and help you avoid needing money for bills next month and the month after. Cause we're seeing this pattern and we love you. And so it's not out of a place of, you know, you're better than them. It's out of a place of love, actually. And if they never feel the consequence, then they're never going to change the behavior. So you're not being cruel by stopping. You're actually letting the reality of their life do the teaching that you can't. And that's the hard thing to do with family, people that you love. And then they feel a certain way about you and they go, wow, that was so stingy. Well, this is the part of money. This is the part of money that is emotional, which is it all has to do with the way we were brought up. If you were brought up in a way that, you know, everybody just kind of, it's a pot of money and you just kind of throughout the family, mom gives to dad, brother gives to mom and dad, grandma, you know, and everybody just kind of reaches in. That's very different from probably the way that you grew up with money emotionally. And that's why the two of you, you and your husband need to kind of sit down and have a meeting of the minds there because it's not necessarily that one is wrong or right. It's just your values and how you view it. Because, you know, some people might argue, hey, if the money doesn't bother you and you can do it, do it. Some people might argue that. I would disagree with that. But it's just a, it's from a value standpoint. Got it. That makes sense. Not to rain on y'all's parade, but we did buy them budgeting books for Christmas two years ago. Was it every dollar? No, it was a different one, but maybe we'll let it go. I don't know. It's collecting. That's why it didn't work. I'm just joking. I don't even know if they read it. Well, we'll give you every dollar because that's the one that'll actually work. And we'll also give you total money makeover. George, what about breaking free from broke? Let's throw that one in there. And I'll give you mine also, what no one tells you about me. Well, there you go. So that the key pieces here are guilt-based giving is not generosity and enabling isn't love. And the sooner you can understand that and put the boundary up in love, the better your life is going to be, the better your marriage is going to be. Christian Health Care Ministries can save your family hundreds of dollars on health care every month. Learn more at chministries.org slash budget.