I'd Rather Have Fries Than A Boyfriend | Iliza Shlesinger

Red-blooded American girl. Absolutely, when I get drunk, I would rather eat than hook up with you. I'm sorry. Give you a handjob or go get fries? Both are salty. One will give me carpal tunnel. I'll go with the fries. Every time. Popular misconception about girls is that we don't like to eat. Girls love to eat. Yeah. We just don't like to eat in front of a guy that we like. That's the difference. When you first meet a guy that you like, you can't eat the way you want to on a date. You can't. You can't have that fourth plate of ribs on a date. I found out. Going on a date, society dictates that guys can do what they want. Women have to be dainty. So he's going to get fries, a burger, half a gazelle, whatever he wants to eat. Girls, you get the menu. What are you ordering? Like hot little robot salad. And it's an excruciating experience because you're trying to just look pretty the whole time. He's sitting there enjoying his burger. You're eating your lettuce. You've abandoned the utensils. You ordered like a koala. You may as well eat like one. He's talking. You can't focus because you're starving, right? He's yeah. You're just like, you finished your lettuce. There's no more watercress on the plate. You're just, you pull one. You're looking at his food. You're like, what's that over there? Fry. Talking, talking. You can't focus. You're not getting any nutrients to your brain. You're just kind of staring out the window, wondering what birds taste like. You finished your lemon wedge like an hour ago. He's still eating. He's still talking. And you're starting to get cold now. You're not getting any nutrition into your bloodstream. Your spine is sticking out. You're shivering. You start, you're like a lost puppy. You start saying things that you don't mean. He's yapping. You start just saying things like, I would love to spend the afternoon with your mother. That sounds great. And no, I totally cared about that whole replacement refs thing. It really rocked my world as well. Once you're in a relationship, you can eat the way you want to. Once he loves you, you can roll out a trough at mealtime. It doesn't matter. You can put your hands behind your back. County fair pie eating contest style. I love you. Is that the house cat? Yeah. You can let it all hang out when he loves you. Then you can show him how you eat. Once you're in love, you can show him the 12 foot man-eating lizard you actually are. Your eyes light up red. Let's get cheesecake. Oh, cool, sweetheart. You want to share a piece of cheesecake? Tail swipe. Get your own. All right, sweetheart. Dinner's over. Did you get enough to eat? I love when they ask that because I've always wanted to give this answer. Did you get enough to eat? What else do you want? Your soul. Fire. Can I ask you? Can I ask you a question? Does this tail make my butt look big? Girls love eating. We do. We were the first ones to make it fun. Hello, Apple Garden of Eden. Girls love to eat. I saw a bachelorette party take down a live buffalo at 35 miles an hour off the freeway. It was magnificent. The girls ran alongside it like, Stacy, put your veil over his snout. You ever tried to get a group of drunk girls to walk from a bar to a restaurant? It's like herding drunk, retarded sheep. First of all, yes, I love being a woman. We're amazing. I love Beyonce. But we have no idea where we're going. Okay? We're walking around. All we know is that we got a little sheep who's on and we're freezing because no one brought a jacket. Just walking forever. No clue. I'm cold. Why didn't you bring a jacket? Because I'm in my 20s and I'm stupid. I have to pee. I'm cold. I have to pee. I don't have solutions. Just more problems. Everybody's got that one girlfriend that's a little filthy. She has no issue with peeing behind a dumpster. It holds everyone up. You're all trying to walk and she's back there. She's like, oh, make sure nobody's watching. You're sitting there running interference for your friend. Like, don't look at her sheep vagina. Just mine. I promise you nobody's watching. I promise you. I promise you no guy is driving by like, oh, well, tonight really sucks. And I, whoa. Is that a drunk girl peeing on hot garbage? It's awesome. What am I doing? I gotta get to the craft store. So she's done peeing. You're all wandering. Now you're into the second hour. You're still drunk somehow. You're cold. You're hungry. And you, everybody's got that one girlfriend that has a poor moral barometer. She'll get in a car with any guy as long as it looks warm. And she'll rationalize why he's not a rapist based solely on the way that he's dressed. Every girl's had to do this, right? You have to make these like game time decisions. You're like, he's not going to rate me. He's wearing Nike dunks. Guys, come over here. Your friend goes over to the guy. She bends down like a street Walker. She's like, hi, what's your name? Todd. Oh, that's a fun name. That's a really exotic name. You gave us a ride. Okay. That's really fine. My name is Crystal. Nice to meet you. Hold on a second. You guys, he's going to give us a ride. He's going to give us a ride. Do you want to go with him? Your friends know better. They're on the other side of the street, huddled together. Like Crystal, get away. We're not, he's not. Crystal's stupid. And she's already, she's like, hold on one second. Thank you so much. I really like your chin strap. It's really attractive. Hold on one second. Hold on. You guys, he's going to give us a ride. Like, do you want to just keep walking? Sarah, you're being a bitch. You are. Like, we talked about this earlier when you were in the bathroom and you're being, this is like what we talked about. You're being a bitch. Do you not want to, you don't want to go with him? You got, hold on one second. Thank you so much. Hold on. Okay. Hold on. You got, he's going to give us, he's being nice. Stop it. He's not, he's not, he's not going to rape. I have to whisper the rape part. Just in case that was his intention. You don't want to offend him ahead of time. God forbid you offend him and he leaves. Oh no, then what? He's not going to rape us. He's wearing Skechers. That's fair. Now you're into hour three. You didn't take the ride from Chinstrap. So you're walking, you're cold. No one knows where they're going because you're all relying on girl GPS. For those of you that don't know, girl GPS pretty much consists of one girl doing this. Um, I feel like it's this way.