The Closed Cafe - Deconstructed Coffee Ideas

****, let's be honest, any dickhead in Sydney can make a flat white. I mean, oh yeah, cool man, you put a leafy thing on top of it. Congratulations for polishing a turd, dickhead. As far as I'm concerned, every single cappuccino in Sydney can go and eat a medium to large bag of dicks. If you know us, then you know that we're known for turning industries on their heads. So why would the different types of coffee you can make industry be any different? Yeah, exactly. So we took basic coffee ideas, we deconstructed them and then put them back together again with a bit of a closed cafe spin. For example, so we do an iced coffee, but we make ours with instant coffee and it's smoked through an ice pipe. Yeah, we thought we would call a spade a spade because instant coffee is legal population crack. So why beat around the bush? Sorry, we're closed. Yeah, can I get an iced coffee? Mm-hmm, iced coffee, pass the test, one iced coffee. All right, 100% population crack right there, instant coffee. Interestingly, instant coffee has all the same effects as ice. Increased heart rate, paranoia, makes teeth fall out, makes you feel like you've got bugs crawling underneath your skin. It makes you 40% more likely to shake a baby and in fact, makes you 30% less likely to have one in the first place. If you guys have been into any cafe in LA in the last six months, you've probably heard of a slow drip brew. So we do our own version of that, but we actually sell different coffee types in drip bags. We give you like a medical drip machine and then you just kind of go up the back and plug yourself in and you just run the coffee intravenously. Exactly, we thought we'd just bypass the mouth and digestive system entirely and get the coffee straight into your needy and greedy veins. For all the dickheads who like to come in and order like a little bit of this with a little bit of that and some of this, we do this coffee that we call a three-quarter 50-50 Cappamugga Macchiato Espresso Chino. Now you have to say it like that just to make sure they really sound like a fuckwit when they order it. It's basically every basic bitch coffee in one. For those who like their coffee strong, we also have a couple of specific options. We've got a thing called the Colombian blend and that's where we take one Colombian coffee bean and we crush it down, rack it up and then you snort it through a Roll 20. Yeah and for any of you caffeine fiends, we have a thing called the Roman Espresso. Which is 10 shots of coffee in one hit. Basically as soon as you drink it, this cloud of anxiety descends upon you and you can't stop thinking about unpaid parking tickets, overdue bus statements, university debt. We buried that body. Paying your rent, covering your mobile bills. Long story short, if you have the Roman Espresso, the coffee gnomes are coming for you. Oh, literally? We actually pay these couple of little people, accountants who just wait for people to order this coffee and then when you do, they kind of come cruising in. They help you with your tax. We also have our own spit on the babyccino. So we have this cappuccino but with baby tears. And baby tears are an amazing source of antioxidants. They're a really good water-based lubricant. They're a soul cleanser. You can move things with your mind. Most people don't know this but drinking regular baby tears actually dramatically increases your chances of being asked to join the Illuminati. I don't want to be in it but, you know, if it was so to happen, I mean, you know, who knows? I think it's important to take opportunities that come your way. You know what I mean? If they happen to. Gosh. Go Hillary. Yeah, but our most exciting and unique signature coffee has to be the Fraccuccino. Now, fracking is not only just devastating to planet Earth, it's actually a really unique way of filtering coffee. Now, the fracking process is so flawed that its failure is more reliable than the success of the process itself. So we thought we'd employ that into our unique filtration process. So what we do is we filter the coffee and water mixture down into the dirt. And through the fracking process, the coffee then filters up through to the aquifer, thus contaminating it, thus giving us a really nice cup of dirt. Yeah. I mean, normally this process is hugely detrimental to, you know, surrounding nature, animals, human beings and our shared water supply. But in this case, it just gives us a really great tasting coffee. Given that the Earth is dying, how about you stop fracking, you cunts?