Connecting With Your Family | Emily Dean | TEDxYouth@MBJH

In 2015, my grandmother died. After her funeral, my dad and my aunt decided that our family should take a trip to Asheville, North Carolina, in order to be together and get away from the crazy past few weeks we had just experienced. Little did I know that trip would have a lasting impact on my life. In Fault Lines by Carl Pillemer, Pillemer states that 40% of Americans have been estranged from their extended family at least once in their lifetime. Currently, 27% of Americans don't have contact with any extended family. As someone who's always been close to their extended family, my life would not be the same if I did not have contact with them. My Uncle Bob lives in Knoxville, Tennessee, and he calls me every few days. Recently, he has learned how to FaceTime, or as he likes to call it, Facebooking. When we talk through FaceTime, or as I should call it, forehead time, I mean FaceTime, he asks about school, what tests I have coming up, what books I'm reading, and what I'm learning. Then, he asks about the previous week's grades. After that, we talk about the different types of ice cream we're going to eat for dessert that night. Whether we're talking about school, dessert, or nothing in particular, I will treasure these talks for the rest of my life. Even though my Aunt Caroline lives in a different city, we try to visit her often. So often, I feel like her house is a second home, and every time we visit her, my cousins make it a point to drive out there and eat dinner with us. Because spending time together is so important to us, we make an effort to protect that time spent together every year. Every Fourth of July and Thanksgiving, we take trips to Hilton Head Island and Asheville, North Carolina. We play bocce ball, we play super competitive football games, we chat over coffee, and we take lots of hikes. These annual trips are some of my favorite days of the year. Unfortunately, the pandemic put a pause on that precious family time. For the longest time, we weren't sure if we could gather in groups, and if we could, how we would keep our distance, how we would hug, how we would see each other's smiles with masks on our faces, how we would share those precious cups of coffee. During the pandemic, I missed my family, and I felt like I was missing a part of myself. I realized during this time that humans are tribal people, and our families are our tribes. We need that loyal connection during times of uncertainty, times of celebration, and to share our family histories. Without that, meaningful connections and relationships perish, and family histories are lost. In order for families to remain connected, they can call, write letters, or visit each other frequently. When we couldn't gather due to the pandemic, we resorted to other ways of staying in touch. Families grow closer when they see each other face-to-face, but if that's not an option due to time, availability, or say, a pandemic, then calling becomes that much more important. I often feel myself grow more connected with my cousins and family members through FaceTime calls. Oftentimes, I'll FaceTime one of my cousins when I'm bored, and we end up talking for hours. Families also grow closer when they see each other face-to-face. This is the most effective way for my family to remain connected and close. Families also grow closer when they write letters. Over the past few months, I put this into practice. I wrote letters to those who meant the most to me, and I immediately felt my connections with these people strengthened. It took more time than just typing out a text message that takes 15 seconds to send. It had a purpose, and it felt so much more meaningful. Because we couldn't gather in groups due to the pandemic, families couldn't eat dinner together. Family dinners have proven to be essential for communication and learning conversation skills. It teaches children how to communicate with people of all ages. It's also one of the ways that family histories are passed down to the next generation. For example, my aunts and uncles frequently talk about their grandmother and the historic events that shaped her and my family. In 1917, my great-grandmother's parents and brother were killed in a train crash. It left her with only her sister and forced her to lean on the only family she had left. Later in life, she passed these lessons on down to my cousins, aunts, and uncles, and they've taken the time to instill those lessons in me. Conversations like these have helped me and my cousins to know the history of our family and be able to tell our children about it one day. It's also one of the ways you gain wisdom and advice. Some of the best advice I've gotten came from sitting around the dining room table. For example, one time I was stressed about school and various other activities, so I brought it up at the dinner table. My family was able to help me through that and redirect my stress. We must instill the importance of family at a young age. These are the people you will rely on, the people to keep your family histories and stories, the people who will support you when everything seems to be going the wrong way. Through people learning how to connect with their extended family, it will lead to deeper relationships with others down the road. So if you only take one thing from this talk, I hope it's to just connect. Don't just send a text message. Don't just friend your cousins, aunts, and uncles on Facebook. Reach out and make meaningful, deep connections and watch how fast a relationship develops. And as Uncle Bob would say, you're good people because you come from good people. Thank you.