What is a 'silent divorce'?

So August is often called Divorce Month, if you didn't know. And experts say many surprise breakups actually begin long before divorce papers are filed. So family lawyer and relationship expert, Gabriella Pomeroy, is here to talk about silent divorces. Gabriella, thanks so much for joining us to talk about this. Thank you. Thanks for having me. So first, tell us, what is a silent divorce? What does that mean? Yeah, look, a silent divorce, it's not usually one big dramatic event like people might expect. It's really a slow emotional separation. It happens while the couple's probably still living together, they're parenting together, and they look completely fine from the outside. So it really begins with small moments of disconnection, you know, conversations are avoided, the affection is disappearing, everyone's needs are going unspoken, and then disappointments start to, you know, eventuate and they don't quite get resolved. And so none of those moments might feel big enough to start talking about divorce or to end a marriage on their own, but they begin piling up. And so eventually, one person's not just upset anymore, they're really emotionally exhausted. And by the time the actual divorce is mentioned, it's, you know, one person's been privately grieving or desiring this divorce for months or even years. Thanks so much for explaining that. Why are so many people blindsided by silent divorces? I think it's because as a society, you know, we're taught to look for the obvious signs of relationship breakdown, a big affair, betrayal, you know, constant screaming or someone suddenly leaving. But marriages don't end because of one enormous rupture these days. What we're seeing trending is hundreds of tiny moments building up, you know, people are starting to feel very unseen, unsupported or alone. And so what I think is the spouse who's often blindsided is saying, but we weren't fighting, I had no idea this was going to happen. And what I'm seeing is that the problem is the absence of fighting. It doesn't mean there's peace within the home. What it often means is sometimes one person's just stopped believing that having the conversation or arguing is actually going to change anything. Thanks so much for sharing that. No good there. Tell us some of the warning signs of couple burnout. Yeah, I think realistically, when you're at home, you see that conflict is no longer, you know, happening. Affection and curiosity, they've slowly disappeared. One person's no longer sharing good news with their partner, all their worries or their frustrations. There's more emotional intimacy with colleagues or friends or other people. And that's a big warning sign. One person's often feeling lonely, even when their partner's in the same room as them. You know, you've got someone scrolling, someone watching TV. There's no real connection anymore. And I think what a big red flag is, is when couples postpone the hard conversations, they're not talking about what's going on. And another big one is where one partner really feels that sense of relief when the other one's out of the home, they're away or they're at work. Thanks so much for sharing there, those warning signs. So how can couples open up dialogue about what burnout looks like and also start supporting each other instead of drawing away? Yeah, I think it's so important to stop waiting for one big major crisis, you know, big blow up to start checking the health of your relationship. You know, we go to the doctor to check our health. People need to start checking in on their relationship, ask deeper questions, not just are you OK or are we OK? We're going to automatically say yes. Ask, do you feel supported by me? Is there anything that maybe you've stopped telling me because you think I'm not going to understand or what can we work on? Take time out for each other as a couple. I often say wake up a bit earlier, make a coffee, sit down, have that connection time or go for a walk in the evening and have that uncomfortable conversation whilst there's still a bit of warmth and goodwill. Not when the kids are around, not when you're in the middle of a big argument. I think people often forget that relationships require maintenance. You know, we service our car, we need to service our relationships to not just talk about children's well-being and finances and schedules, but really how we both doing as a partnership. Gabriella, some great advice there. Some of the quotes that you said, they need to be put on a T-shirt. Relationships require maintenance. They do. And so we put so much time into our careers and other hobbies that sometimes as couples, we forget that we do have to work towards fulfilling our partner as well, making sure they feel supported. Absolutely. Well, Gabriella, thanks so much for joining us. We've enjoyed talking to you today and hope you have a great rest of your day. Thank you. You too.