Iliza Shlesinger On All Things First Dates!

Ladies, never order a lobster on a date. The lobster is the most expensive thing on the menu, okay? So just know that if you order and consume a lobster, you have to touch your date's wiener. You have to, okay? It's like a sexual contract from the sea. It's binding. Now, keep in mind, he wants you to get the lobster. He's not gonna make you get it, but he's hoping you'll come to that conclusion on your own. He's hoping you'll be flipping through the menu and you'll be like, I don't know what to get. Like, I'm just, I don't know. I'm eating fresh this week. I'm eating a lot of fresh things. That's my new thing, fresh. I'm gonna just do fresh food. Oh, lobster? Should I, should I get it? Should I get it? Should I get the lobster? Should I crack it open on my head like an otter, eat it off my chest, lobster? Yeah, because then it's wiener time this Sunday at Vagina. Here's how it's gonna go down, okay? You're gonna be making out later. And now, guys, this is for you to know. Just so you know, as girls, we like to make out with you when we first meet you. We like to make out with you a couple times and then leave right when you think we're gonna sleep with you, okay? We do it to make sure that you like us, but if you wanna know the truth, they teach us this ---- in high school. While you're off building a birdhouse in shop class, we were off learning how to be annoying. Here's how it happens. You're gonna be making out. And you'll notice that when a girl makes out with you and leaves you, we always leave in a very sweet way because we want you to have a nice impression of us for later, right? So it's always like, okay, well, I gotta go. No, you shouldn't leave. Bye. I like you too. Stop it. It's always very sweet, right? I've gone as far as to sometimes bring a little thing of vanilla body spray. And when he gets up to go to the bathroom, I spray it on his pillow. That way, later when he texts me, he's like, oh my God, my pillow still smells like you. I'm like, that's amazing. You can get creative with it. You can take a handful of glitter on your date and then after you're leaving, just be like, okay, I gotta go. You can bring a smoke bomb. And then like still be standing there cause you don't know magic. Really? You're gonna go? That's messed up. Messed up, Amber. You're just gonna go? It's funny. It's funny, you're just gonna go. Cause I distinctly remember I bought you a lobster. Man's right. Time to pay the piper. Girls, you do not have to sleep with him. It's just a crustacean. That's ridiculous. All right? But you gotta give him something. I suggest a beach. That's what I suggest. That's proper. Don't do a handjob. That's ridiculous. That's child's play. A handy, really? As a grown woman, you're not doing a handjob, okay? If you voted, you're not doing a handjob. Let's send some handjobs overseas to China. Not doing a handjob. A handjob, that's what kids do when you're like a teenager. You do a handjob, you put on your promise ring, you revel in your virginity for the next 10 to 15 years, depending on your involvement with comic books. That's what a handjob is for. As an adult, it's not happening. It's an intermediary step in a sexual evolution that you've evolved past, okay? It's like a tail. Necessary at one point for balance, but if you busted it out at a house party, people would be like weirded out. I was out with a guy one time who I wasn't even into. I didn't wanna do anything, and he didn't buy me a lobster. And I explained everything, and after talking to him, he's like, I'd like a handjob. I think it sounds great. And I guess I was frustrated because he hadn't been listening to me or my feelings, and I was like, all right, tell you what, son. I'm gonna give you a handjob, but it's gonna be on my terms. 45 minutes long, no lotion, and you don't break eye contact, go!