VIRAL Cali Moments | Max Amini | Stand-Up Comedy

Are you a lesbian? You're a hot ass lesbian. Can I tell you something about myself? I'm also a lesbian. Is that your girlfriend behind you? Best friend? Have you f***ed her? Can I tell you something about myself? I f***ed my best friend. You were single? But you didn't bring your lady and you brought her. She's working? What does she do? She works at the government? I thought you'd say she works at a strip club down the street. You've never been? What kind of lesbian are you? You're a very conservative lesbian. I've never seen a lesbian. What? You should have gone when you turned 18 just to figure it out. When did you know you were a lesbian? High school? And how did you find out? You always knew it. But then it happened and you're like, oh my god. Did you ever experience being with a guy? You did? And how was that? He sucked, huh? This one guy was so bad. Turned her lesbian. All the Caldeans. Let me show her. I'll turn her straight. I swear to god. He's an Arab man. I will change her mind. Just give me 15 minutes. She will never go to the government like he ever did. You don't feel under pressure right now, do you? Okay, let me ask more questions. I just want to understand one thing. You know, the most important thing. You know what I'm talking about. Like, does only one person wear it? Or both people wear it? They don't need it? Damn. They don't need it? Look at the Iranian guy. What the f**k is it that they don't need? He's going to chat TV haters right now. What is it that lesbians should have but they don't need? What country? Russia. Russians are very scary people. What do you do for a living? Living my best life. Living your best life. So you're homeless. Do you have an Arabic tattoo? I have two. What does it say? Let your face be good on your ass. What? You had an Arab boyfriend? Not boyfriend. He was just ******* for fun. What was the situation? Were you kidnapped? I just went out with him. You just went out with him and you tattooed your whole body? You're very spontaneous, aren't you? Multiple Arab guys. I love your honesty. It was a long time ago so you miss them. How many Arab guys are you dating now? Zero. Zero? So you're willing to get more tattoos and Farsi? I'm just wondering. Now it gets to me. No more tattoos, huh? How long have you been single? 10 years. For 10 years the business has been closed? Honey, that's not even healthy. You know how difficult it is? You have to go get a permit again? You have toys? Who is that? Your mom? Mom, she's talking about her Barbies. Well, maybe I'll find you a boyfriend tonight. How about that? Only me? What kind of toys do you have? Mom's going to ask a question. The floor is yours. It's a comment. I just want to let you know that you bring so much happiness to people whenever they go through. We watch your videos and all of a sudden without thinking I'm smiling. So thank you. Mom, I love you. Just because you said that I'm taking your daughter home tonight. You're like a nice professor or something. A professor in college. What do you do? Not you. I sell plastic bags. Is that a business? Are you a wholesaler? To like Ralphs and ----? It's in Mexico. Now you're finishing his sentence? Let the CEO represent himself. What's your name, buddy? Ali Martin. Ali Martin? How the **** Ali became Martin? My father is Iranian. My mother is German. Really? My wife is Mexican. And you don't speak English. What inspired you to make plastic bags? I wanted to sell some product to the Mexican business people. So he goes, I went to Mexico met with some Mexican companies to sell them some products and I ended up with plastic bags. He went to sell them ----. They sold him the plastic bag. Amigo, gracias. He took the plastic bag. He came back to America. He goes, what do I do with this? I sell the plastic bag. Give it up for Ali Martin. I like this guy. You're my new friend. I wanted to make friends with the guy behind you but I like you even more. That's your son? No way. Buddy, you look fantastic. Thank you. I can't believe that old ******* guy behind you. I'm not kidding. I thought he was your father. That son working so hard selling plastic bags. He aged faster than the father. The father came back and goes, son, we have no money. Sell the plastic bags. You're Cuban and Ecuadorian? So you guys are married? No, buddy, you should hurry up. Are you also Chaldean? So your family wants you to marry an Arab, I'm assuming. Yeah? Is that the problem? She says yes. He doesn't say no. He goes, I'm not your grandfather, dude. I'm trying to help you. How long have you been dating? About a year. How old are you? 49? You look good. How old are you, sweetie? God damn. I thought you were like 28, 29. Not you, you look like this. What do you do for a living, sweetie? You teach piano? Quit. He's going to pay for the rest of the situation. I already do. You already do? One thing that people don't know about Arab men, they don't do 50-50, yeah? Arab man goes, whatever I have is yours. That's how they do it. Yes, but then you're not allowed to go anywhere, you're not allowed to wear what they don't like, you're not allowed to talk, stay in the house, you shut the f**k up. You guys, congratulations for your marriage. Ben, where are you from? Connecticut. You're a white guy? Wow. Ben, what do you do? What the f**k is it? We're not talking quotes here, I work for a company. What kind of company do you own, Ben? I have nothing on HR. Complicated topic for a comedian. Anybody got fired? It's ******* Ben's company. And where did you guys meet? At work? Wait a minute. You see that? You see what just happened? Big man at work, HR fired him, he goes, I'm going to open my own HR company. And then he fired that HR guy and he put a new HR person there. Good for you, Ben. I wish you many more years of being a good husband.