Adam Sandler Brings The Craziest Witnesses To Court | Big Daddy

Good morning. We're here to determine proper custody of Julian McGrath, also known as Julian Garrity, a minor child, representing the city of New York. Ted Castellucci. Arthur Brooks, Social Services. And representing Sonny Koufax. Philip D'Amato. Thomas Creighton. Plus I'll pretty much be representing myself, Your Honor. Anyone else? Layla Maloney, Your Honor. Is this why you love me, Layla? Something like that. First witness. Koufax is a good egg. He was nice to that kid. Bites like a girl. You like that? I'm right here. Miss, what are you going to do about it? What are you, drunk, Mr. Hurley? Well, I had a few Chardonnays. What of it? Get off the stand, please. You got it. Problems. Mr. Koufax is a really cool guy. Wish my dad was as cool as him. See, my dad was a military man. Guess I wasn't such a good soldier. When I was 35 years old, he attempted to give me a crew cut while I was sleeping one afternoon. I woke up, broke his arm, haven't seen him since. I'd rather live out on the streets than under his freaky ass rules. Uh, anyway, I think Mr. Koufax should be acquitted of all the charges. If OJ can get away with murder, why can't Sonny have his kid? This guy knows what I'm talking about. No more questions. And how long have you been delivering food to Mr. Koufax? I deliver food for six years. Plus, I'm steeper, but I put on weight, so it's a problem. I see. And in your experience, was Sonny a good father to Julian? Yes, they're a terrific pair. They went together like lamb and tuna fish. Lamb and tuna fish? Maybe you like spaghetti and meatball? You more comfortable with that analogy? Yes, considering we're in America. I mean, if you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, why don't you get the hell out? Hey, listen, I'll come down there and give you a crew cut, mister. Let's see your clippers. Not my problem. Your father was sick. Stop yelling at me! Order, order, order! Excuse me, am I in the right room? Who the hell are you? Mr. Koufax's co-counsel. He has enough co-counsels. Well, one more wouldn't hurt. Let's get on with it. Next witness. Your Honor, Mr. Koufax is simply parading his buddies up there. Can't they find someone who isn't a friend? And what were Julian and Mr. Koufax doing when you saw them? Shopping. And did Mr. Koufax appear to be an attentive and loving father? He certainly did. And how long have you disliked Mr. Koufax? Since the day I met him. And for the record, where did you work while you attended medical school? Hooters. No further questions. Next witness. Your Honor, we'd like to call Julian McBride. It's OK with you, Julian. I'd like to ask you a few questions. This is just you and me talking, so don't even pay attention to all these people, OK? Can you tell me how old you are? Your Honor, one second. That's better, huh? Now can you tell me how old you are? Five. And what's your birthday? July 15th. Do you know where you were born? Toronto. Toronto? I thought you were from Buffalo. I moved to Buffalo with my mommy. And for the past six weeks, you've been living with Sonny? Yes. Did you and Sonny have fun together? Yes. What kind of things would you do with Sonny? He taught me how to do the sleeper hold, like DJ Strongbow. That's nice. Anything else? He taught me how to pee on a building. Really? And he taught me to do sticks, as one of the greatest American rock bands. And they only called it bad rap, because most critics are cynical assholes. Well, I think we'd all agree with that. Now, before you came to Sonny's apartment, do you remember the last thing your mommy said to you once? That she loved me, and I was going to live with my new dad. And if your mother could pick anyone in the world to be your new dad, who do you think she'd pick? Sonny. Thank you, Julie. You can sit down.