“Everything Out Here Wants to Kill You” | Iconic Scene

Albert, I know everything seems hopeless right now, but I promise you there's so much to live for. Really? Is there? What is there to live for on the frontier in 1882? Huh? Look, let me tell you something. We live in a terrible place in time. The American West is a disgusting, awful, dirty, dangerous place. Look around you. Everything out here that's not you wants to kill you. Outlaws, angry drunk people, scorned hookers, hungry animals, diseases, major and minor injuries, Indians, the weather. You can get killed just going to the bathroom. I take my life in my hands every time I walk out to my outhouse. There's ******* rattlesnakes all in the grass out there. And, and, even if I make it, you know what can kill me? Cholera. You know cholera? The black s**t. The black s**t. The latest offering in the Frontiers Disease of the Month Club. And, and, even if you survive all those things, you know what else can kill you? F**king doctor. The doctor can kill you. I had a cold a couple years ago. I went in there. You know what he said to me? He goes, oh, you need an ear nail. A nail. In my ******* ear. That is modern medicine for you. Yeah, doc, I have a fever of 102. Oh, you need a donkey kicking. You know our pastor has shot two people? Our pastor. No. No. Honest to God. Shot a guy in a duel. And then went back and killed the guy's teenage son because he was afraid he would kill him out of revenge. Wait, how do you know that? Because he did a whole ******* sermon about it. A lesson about seeing things through. By the way, look at this. See those guys over there? The guys who work in the silver mines? See what they're eating? Ribs doused in hot sauce. They eat hot, spicy foods every meal of the day. You know why? Because their palates are so completely ******* dulled from inhaling poison gas 12 hours a day down in the mines. That's all they can taste. You know what that kind of diet does to your guts? Constipation. Cramps. Dyspepsia. Liver disease. Kidney disease. Hemorrhoids. Bowel inflammation. They literally die from their own farts. And, oh, oh, you want to see more death? All we got to do is get up and walk out the front door. That is our mayor. He is dead. He has been lying there dead for three days. No one has done a thing. Not moved him. Not looked into his death. Not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, the highest ranking official in our town has been a dead guy. Oh! Look at that! Look at that! Wolves are dragging the body away, as if to illustrate my point. Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor! Bye! Have fun becoming wolf s**t! Bye! God! That, my friends, is the American West. A disgusting, awful, dirty cesspool of despair, and f**k all of it. Why don't you shut up? You shut up! Ow! Ruth! Jesus Christ! Stop it! Okay, fine. At least have Dr. Harper take a look at it tomorrow. You can hear yourself right now. You know what's going to happen if I go to Dr. Harper and I say, Look, take a look at that. He's going to say, Oh, that looks like it hurts. Let me give you a blue jade to peck out the blood. Maybe you should, I don't know, maybe you should try to talk to Luis. That's a great idea. Yeah? That's the jackpot. That's the jackpot! I still got it! Okay. I have good ideas sometimes. I didn't mean now. Hey, hey, dude, you really shouldn't drink and horse. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, there you go. Okay. Curtis! Curtis, buddy. I'll be right back. I'll be right back, okay? Or not. No, that's being too ambitious. Hey. Albert? What the f*** are you doing? Luis, we need to talk. I want to talk to you. It's 1.30 in the morning. We need to talk. And we need to talk tonight. What happened to your face? I got in a fight with an animal that I could not identify. Okay, you're drunk. I am a smooched in and drunk. I don't know what you want from me, but it's late. Luis, Luis, Luis, please listen to me. I love you, okay? I love you. And I just think if we talk this out that we can get somewhere and fix it. Look, Albert, you gotta go. I'm sure you're right for somebody else. Just not for me. Okay? Wait, let me just touch you. You're being a f***ing jerk. Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow. You know what? I heard you fart once. And it went... And... It was a sharp one. A little sharpie poop too. And I heard... You know what I'm going to get with this gold? You know what I'm going to get you? I'm going to get you a big old stack of fresh-cut steaks. I bet you'd like that. What? What's the matter with you? Settle down, boy. Come on, boy. Hey, quiet down, mother. You... Howdy, folks. Howdy. What can I do for you fellas? Well, we're riding through to Sherman Creek. We obliged you could tell us the shortest route. Yeah, I can help you with that. I got a map right here. Yes, sir. You're on the main road now. And the main road goes right to Bullhead and straight through to Sherman Creek. But if you want the quickest way, I'd take Bilby Pass. Safer too. Less chance of bandits and such. Thank you. You can keep that. One more thing you might do for us. What's that? You could show us the gold. Gold? I ain't got no gold. I wish. Been prospecting up there, but that stream's about panned out. Old plugger and I done give it up. We're going on back into town. Aye. You see, that's just it. You're heading back to town in the middle of the day. The prospector only does that when he's found gold to sell. She went to me. I swear to you, mister, I ain't got no gold. We're just going into town to get some. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Let me think here a minute. You do that. I might just have a little bit of gold. Yeah, here it is. I forgot all about it. Here, take it. Pick up your gun. Well, I'm not just gonna take your gold. Better be stealing. You know what, old-timer? We'll shoot for it. Clinch. Shut up. You just take the gold, okay? Only a thief would do that. Are you calling me a thief, old-timer? No, no, no, no. Then pick up your gun. That's it. Now, point it at me. We shoot on three. One. Two. Goddamn it, Clinch.