25 Minutes Of Sarah Perry | BEST OF

Thank you for standing. I'm in such a good mood. I'm so happy to be here. I went on a weight loss journey this year, you guys, and I just stepped on the scale. I lost 60 pounds. Thank you for clapping, because I'm hungry. I'm starving. No, I lost the weight using Weight Watchers. Do you guys know what that is? Does anybody know what that is? It's like a weight loss system. You get a certain amount of points per day. You get one point for every time you wish you could afford Ozempic. That's how it works. And I thought my whole life was going to change when I lost this weight. I thought everything was going to be different, but no. Depression. Still got it. Anxiety. You bet. Herpes. TBD. I don't know. We'll see. I'll let you know. I'm close, though. I'm close to my goal weight, you guys. My goal weight is just my starting weight. I want to be 7 pounds 6 ounces. So bad. So bad. The women get it. We just want to be floating torsos. I'm glad that it's summer out in Chicago. Summer in Chicago is awesome. You know what that means. Cat calling is back. Yes. Hell yeah. One woman is hot. The rest of us are ugly. I hate the stereotype that women hate cat calling. We do when we're alone. When we're alone, that's creepy. Leave us alone. But when we're with our gals. Right? When we're with our gaggle of gals. And we're all shopping downtown on Michigan Avenue. Right? And some guy from across the street yells out, Hey. Nice tight butthole. I don't get cat called a lot. I'm not sure what they... Whatever they say. You guys know, right? Nice tight little butthole you got over there. Nice tight little tush you got there. You know you'll look at that guy and look at your friends and be like, Oh my God. Ew. Gross. Yeah. No. I heard. Men. Men. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Gross. You guys know he was talking about my tight little butthole. Right? You guys are loose bitches. We do that. And like I said, I don't get cat called a lot. But every time that I ever have, it's when I look like ----. It's when I look like ----. It makes no sense to me. I'll explain. I walk dogs during the day. That's my day job. Which as somebody with a liberal arts degree, I'm like barely qualified to do it. Okay? And when I walk dogs, I look like ----. Like why wouldn't I? Right? My boss is a chihuahua. Right? So I always... I look terrible. My hair's in a bun. I have no makeup on. I have sweatpants on. And I was walking my first dog of the day the other day and I looked like I do. And some guy yelled out across the street. He goes, hey baby, I like your sweatshirt. You guys are like, that's not even a cat call. Right? Maybe he was just a fan of mustard stains. Right? But he said it again. He said it again. I ignored him again. And then he goes, oh yeah bitch? Well you look like ---- anyways. I lost it you guys. I was already having a bad day and my boss bit me. Okay? I ******* went up to this dude. I was like, yeah? I look like ----? I look like ----? Then why are you talking to me? Why do you want anything to do with me? I was like ----. He got scared. He goes, oh. I just thought I'd have better luck with a homeless chick. A homeless chick. He thought I was without a home. That's what I look like with no makeup on. A homeless chick. Where would we have fucked? Under a bridge? I don't have a home. I don't know. When I'm not dog walking I have another. I like to call it my job. That's how serious I take it. I binge watch the **** out of shows. Are we binge watchers in here? Yeah? I take it so seriously. Somebody yell out. Somebody name a show that you watched. You didn't mean to but you watched the whole series. All of it. You watched the entire show. Summer House. Give me another one. Thousand Pound Sister. We have some fucked up people in the audience. We have some fucked up people in here. These are shows with one season, two seasons. Somebody give me... Twisted Metal. How many seasons is that? Two? Okay. So you didn't listen to me at all. Where is my Grey's Anatomy people? Where are my SVU people? One in the back. Those are people that have issues. Are you ready for this? I watched every single episode, every single season of the television show Survivor. The people aren't clapping. Do you guys know how many seasons there are? Somebody yell it out. How many seasons are there? 48. Number one fan in the front row. 48 seasons. Shut up! You're not better than me, okay? I finished that final episode of that 48th season and I shut my laptop and I walked downstairs and I walked into my bathroom and I looked myself in the mirror and I said you are a piece of ----. You're garbage. That took you two weeks, alright? And then I wiped the cheetah dust off my tits flaming hot, right? Went back up into my bedroom, laid back down on my bed, opened my laptop and I started it all over again. No, this is true. What I really did was I did the math. I did the math, which my therapist said was a really bad idea. She did mention that to me. This is 100% true. Are you ready for this? 48 seasons of Survivor. That is 574 hours of my life. It's gone. It's gone. I gave it to Jeff Probst, okay? And then I was like, what could I have been doing during my time other than watching this stupid ******* show? So I did some more calculations and this is 100% true. In 574 hours, I could have read at least 80 to 90 books. I could have jogged at least 29 hundred miles. And that's an 18 minute mile. I'm walking that ----, okay? I'm not running, right? I could have eaten I could have eaten one vegetable. Just tried a carrot, right? Or I could have killed myself. I don't know. I never know how to... That joke gets sad. It does. But I'm glad that you guys are here. You're out. You're supporting live comedy. You left the house. You put on pants. That's, like, really hard to do. It really is. Yeah. Sure. Clap for that. Yeah. Well, really quick. This is what I want to know. By round of applause, who watches comedy at home on their phones? Does anybody watch at home on their phones? Comedy? Yeah? We have to do that now. We have to post all of our ---- online. We have to record it all, put it up there, record it all, put it on there. It's the internet. That's how we make it, right? And I posted a video of my stand-up comedy last week and it went viral, baby. It did. It did. It did! It did. Because it was reposted on a subreddit called Very Lonely Women. It was good press, right? I was pumped. I didn't give a ****. You guys were awing. I didn't give a ****. I was like, views are views, right? I was walking around town like a straight white man. Like, I felt good, okay? I was riding high. All my friends brought me back down to earth. They were like, dude, Sarah, ****. Don't read those comments, okay? They were like, whatever you do, do not read the comments on that video, right? Because we know the internet's mean. It's full of crazy people. And they were like, especially you being a woman legally, you shouldn't even be doing stand-up or reading. So just don't. Just don't. Just don't do it. They were like, just don't. No, just don't. It's going to ruin your day. It's going to ruin your week. Just don't. Just don't. Just don't read the comments. So I read the comments. I did. I gave my 65-year-old mother the phone. She was pumped to have an activity to do for the day other than wordle, okay? She was very excited. Love her, but she had a lot going on, right? So I gave her my phone. I go, Mom, this is a video of my stand-up comedy. I want you to read through these comments. I want you to only tell me the nice ones, the good ones, the ones that I can handle, okay? She was like, okay, honey. Nothing yet, but I love you, pumpkin. Oh, lol, oh, that's good, right? Oh, funny for a girl. That's good, right? And then she goes, I don't know if this next one's good or bad. I was like, well, what does it say? She goes, fat ass. I go, well, how do they spell it? She goes, P-H. I go, it's good. It's good, it's good, it's good, it's good. It got to be too much. I took the phone from her. I read them all. I read every single one of them. I cried in the tub that night, okay? No, don't all me. I'm indestructible now, okay? I read every single one of them. I read every little horrible thing that anybody had to say about me. None of them had anything to do with my stand-up. All the comments had to do with my looks and being a woman, okay? So I'm going to share some of them with you guys. Here's the first one. You're a woman so you're not funny. Classic. Next one, you're not funny because you're a woman. Different. Still classic, yeah? Next one, I swear to God, said women should go back to where they came from. What is, our own pussies? Like, what is, you all came from one of us, right? And then this is the last one. I'm not making this up. It said, suck on my ball sack until you choke and die, you unfunny whore. Yeah! Yeah, I got so wet. I did. That's somebody playing hard to get. That's what that is. I know a flirt when I see one. I do. I do. I know a flirt when I see one. I know a bad date when I see one. Have we gone on a bad date in here? Anybody? Bad dating? Yeah? All the women and one man, okay? I'm talking, like, this is what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the worst first date of your life. Does anybody have a worst first date? It was so bad you never saw or spoke to that person ever again. You're looking like you have that right now, yeah? Are you on it right now? Are you okay? Yeah? What happened on your bad first date? Your worst first date? No, her. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she doesn't. Oh! Alright. Oh, you were pointing at her. Okay, what happened on your worst first date? Oh, my God. She's a slut. Okay. You've had multiple really bad first dates? Oh, my God. Give us your best one. I want to see if it's going to beat mine. You ordered a rib platter? I was like, bitch, it's going to be bad if you order a rib platter. I thought you said I ordered a rib platter. He ordered a rib platter. Oh, my God. So your worst first date your worst first date was Mr. Rib. He ordered the rib. You call him Mr. Rib? It's amazing. That's actually pretty big. Did you meet the guy in real life or online? Hinge? That's why. Yep. ------- rib guy off hinge. Should report him for being inappropriate or something. And then he made you pay the bill? Got it. Rib guy's pretty bad. Having a guy order ribs and then eat them off the floor is pretty bad, but I'm about to beat you, bitch. Are you ready for this? I went on a date with a guy, and I met him in real life, which should have been fine. It should have been fine, right? And I liked him. I liked the first date. It was going well. We were in the middle of dinner. I was literally eating. I was taking a bite into my mouth, and in the middle of it, he slid me his cell phone, and he goes, Hey, Sarah, really quick for me right now, can you do me a favor? Put down your fork and take my phone, and right now, can you take the Myers-Briggs personality test? Do you guys know what that is? Does anybody know what that is? If you don't know what it is, it's just like a really quick way to dry up a lady's pussy, okay? He got me real quick on that. No, it's a personality test on the internet, right? It's a long test. There's a lot of questions. I'm a slow reader, okay? At the end of it, all you're given is like a fun little four-letter personality score. It can be like an INTG or an ENTF or whatever the ****, right? And I was so confused because I was like, Dude, this is our first date. The whole point of a first date is to get to know my personality. Like, it's right here. It's right in front of you. You could just talk to it. You could just... It made no sense, right? That's like if a guy was going down on me, right? Giving me some head. And I was like, You know what? No, stop. Wait, sir. Before you begin, could you just practice on these stamps and envelopes first? But I took the test. I had to take the test. He was buying me a Bloomin' Onion. And, um... We know. It's a delicacy. It's a delicacy in the Midwest. Who has taken the Myers-Briggs test? I hope not for fun. Maybe for school or for work. School, work, anybody? What was your four things? Do you remember your four things? What was it? In the hat. Yeah. ENTP. I hear that one a lot. I was SLUT, so I just... I just sucked his dick and I got out of there. I'm joking. I was CUNT. I was like, This is accurate. No wonder they teach this. No wonder they teach this in school. I told that joke. That joke I just told you guys. I told it at a different club about two weeks ago. And after the show, a drunk man from the audience came up to me at the bar, which is always a treat. Right? I loved it. He was absolutely hammered out of his mind. He was like, You're really... You're... You're really funny tonight, Sarah. And I was like, Oh, thank you so much. And then he, like, looked both ways. I was like, What the ****? And he goes, I just wanted to let you know I used to volunteer at a post office. That was something a person could do. Right? You don't work there. You volunteer your free time. You psychopath at the post office. And I was a little tipsy. It was the end of the night and I forgot about my stamp joke. And I can tell this side of the room forgot as well. So I go, What? What are you saying to me? And he goes, I just wanted to let you know I'm really good at licking stamps. Yeah. Gross. Don't say that to me after the show. No, because I made him get in the bathroom and prove it. I was crushed after that date didn't work. I was really broken up about it. And my friend was like, Just get over it. And I was like, Well, how do you get over it, guys? And she goes, This is what I do. I join a boxing gym. And I was like, What? And she's like, Yeah, and every day that I'm there, I just picture his stupid, ugly, ******* face. Sorry, I'm looking right at you. And I miss him, okay? No, she was like, You picture his stupid, ugly face right in the punching bag. She's like, It's great. You're going to burn lots of calories. You're going to get over him. I was like, **** it. I've never tried boxing in my life. I joined the gym. First day of class. I think I'm doing very well for myself. I'm sweating. I'm having a good time. In the middle of it, the trainer of the gym comes up to me, I think, to congratulate me on doing such a good job. And he comes up to me and he goes, Ma'am, we're going to have to ask you to leave. Yeah, I was like, What? Why? And he said, Well, you keep sobbing and making out with your punching bag. So I box at home now with my body pillow. No, I don't box anymore at all. I don't have to box at all anymore. You guys aren't going to believe this. Are you ready for this? I am engaged to be married. How about that? To a real man. A human man. I know. You guys are like, Put your jumpsuit. Yeah, I'm really... I'm engaged to a guy. Thank you for clapping, but you don't have to clap. I settled hard. I did. I did. I did. I said, I did. He's 5'7". We're trying to work through it, but it's difficult. No, I'm kidding. I love that he's short. Am I the only one in here that loves a good short king? A good short prince? Are you dating a short guy? No. Are you collecting them? You love them, right? What's not to love? They're tiny. They're cute. I love wrestling with them. I love teasing them, poking them, pushing them downstairs. I don't know. I love it. I love putting on his hoodies and ripping them to shreds. I love how big and fat my tits look in his tiny little hands. I don't know. I love it. You know what he said to me on our first date? This was his line. We were on our first date. I mentioned something about his height, and he goes, yes, Sarah, I might be short, but you can't tell a difference when we're laying down in my bed. Yeah, and I fell hard away that night. He was talking about one of those little race car beds. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? So we cuddle up in that every night. Vroom, vroom. And I'm going to tell you our proposal story, but I'm only going to tell you our proposal story because it happened in the most beautiful, most lovely, most gorgeous place that this country has to offer. Say it with me. Gary, Indiana. It did. It was magical. He did it on my birthday. If you're going to do it on a holiday, do it on Halloween. Every proposal, I think, should happen on Halloween. It makes sense. I think the guy should pop out of a haunted house and be like, same dick forever. Because it's spooky. It's spooky. I don't know if I want to do it. Yeah. But he did it on my birthday. He did it in Gary, Indiana. I was there. I was doing stand-up shows. I have a big falling in Gary. It's a brag, but three to five fans in Gary, Indiana. So I was there for work, and I woke up the morning of. I didn't even open my eyes yet. I felt that he wasn't in bed next to me, and I was like, that's weird. I always wake up before this piece of ----. And when I opened my eyes, indeed, he was not in bed next to me. He was standing over the bed. You guys? Yeah. Standing over the bed, watching me sleep. He was drenched in sweat. He was out of breath. He was fully nude. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But he looked like he just ran a marathon. I'm waking up to that. I was startled. I go, oh, Jesus, what? What's going on? He was out of breath. He goes, hey, can you dress nice today? That's what he said. Can I dress nice today? I know what he meant. He meant no jumpsuit. I know what he meant. You know what I mean? But I was like, you idiot. You just blew it. Now I know exactly what it's about. You're about to perform, but you have to pretend. I have to put on this face like I have no idea. Right? I'm pretending that I have no idea. I'm putting on a dress. My one dress. I own one dress. I put it on. We were walking, holding hands in Gary, Indiana. He kept telling me to look around aggressively. I thought we were going to be attacked. He was like, look around, Sarah. Just look where we are. I was like, what? What? What? He was like, that cloud over there. I need you to remember that cloud for the rest of your life. Okay? This bench over here. Remember the bench. This bush. Remember the bush. I was like, what mushrooms did you take before this walk? Like, I want to be high too. Yeah. And I'll never forget what he said. He goes, I'm not high. In fact, I've never been more sober in my life. Okay? That's the lamest thing anyone's ever said in my life. That's the lamest thing I've ever heard. He goes, I've never been more sober in my life. I just need you to remember this moment. I need you to remember this moment right here, right now, for as long as you live. And I swear to God, right when he said that, we turned a corner, homeless guy taking a ----. Right there. I, uh, I used to hate engaged women. I did. I did. I used to hate them, because don't they give off that vibe that they're, like, better than everybody else, right? They do, right? But now that I'm on the other side, we are. We are. No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. You guys know him. I've told you. He's 5'7". He's in the back. You can barely see him, but... He's hiding in my purse, but, uh, I still get annoyed when people get engaged, because I just don't like the engagement process. I don't like how, like, women act surprised. You've seen those girls that have been with their, like, guys for, like, ten plus years, right? He gets down on one knee, finally. She starts making that sound like she just ate hot pizza, right? She's like... Or she's coming. I don't know. I don't know. It sounds the same for me. But... It's like you knew. Like, you knew, bitch. Like, I'll give you an example. A perfect example. A few days after my engagement, I was just scrolling through my Facebook page and I saw that my bully from high school... Okay, this bitch, I hated in high school. She also, this year, got engaged. Hannah is her name. Okay, yeah. And Hannah did that long bullshit Facebook post. You guys know what I'm talking about? Yeah, where in 18 paragraphs, she insisted over and over and over again that she had no idea that Bradley was gonna propose. Like, she didn't know. Like, she didn't know. No. She didn't know. No. No. You guys. I didn't know. I didn't know. No. You guys, I didn't know. No, he shocked me. He shocked me. I had no idea. I didn't know. I didn't know. I had no idea. I didn't know. I had no idea. I'm like, you had no idea? You're pregnant with his kid. Like... Like, a little inkling. Like, you guys met at Cracker Barrel. He was your boss. Relax. It's not a fairytale. It's Missouri, right? Let's calm down. I love my fiancé, though. I call him fiancé. We don't say fiancé. That word, fiancé, it's too fancy, right? I was like, we buy our clothes and our food at the same place. Costco. We do not deserve that word. We do not deserve that word. I call him my fiancé. And he's a nice guy. I give him a lot of ---- up here on stage, but, like, he really is a nice guy. And I don't mean, like, he, you know, opens my car door and buys me flowers. I mean, like, he washes his hands before he fingers me. Like, he's a really nice guy. And I love that joke. I love that joke because I always see a few women go like, are you not doing that? Are you not doing that, Brad? Are you not washing your hands? No. He's, um, he's good. He's a good guy. And I'll tell you a little fun fact about him. I'll tell you a fun fact about the guy that I'm probably marrying. Are you ready for this? Are you ready for this? He only has one ball. How about that, huh? Pretty cool, right? We're clapping for one ball. One is fun. One is fun. Two is normal. Three is, like, I'm not trying to juggle them, you know, but one is fun. One is fun because I have a fun little nickname for him. I call him my little uniballer. That's fun, right? It's cute. Shut up. It's cute. It's way better than his nickname. His nickname in high school, you guys, was just Single Sack. Yeah, yeah. He had really mean teachers. Yeah, so...