DoctorOz: The Science of Infidelity - Why Do People Cheat?

The Ashton Maddison hacking scandal has put cheating and cheaters in the spotlight. Raising the question, why do people cheat in the first place? I want to delve deeper into the science of infidelity to find out if we are wired to cheat or if that's just an excuse. Please welcome Dr. Tara Fields, a licensed family therapist and relationship expert. Dr. Justin Garcia, evolutionary biologist at the Kinsey Institute for Sex, Gender, and Reproduction and someone who unfortunately sees a lot of infidelity in her line of work, divorce attorney and stars of Bravo's Untying the Knot, Vicki Ziegler. Welcome to the show. The big question we're asking everybody is why do people turn to websites like Ashton Maddison and cheat? The audience may have their own thoughts, but I'd like to hear from the experts. Yeah, I don't think they necessarily have the intention to cheat when they go there. I think they're sort of testing the waters, they're putting their toe in, but often you start by putting your toe in and the rest of the body follows. You know what, I think that you're right, but honestly, it's so easy to be a digital person behind the computer, trying to find people, maybe even putting a different picture from 1990 and trying to look for people and kind of focus on what you're not getting in your marriage. It's the coward's man out kind of thing where people are actually behind the computer and not actually going in front of people to cheat, which is really unfortunate and that's why they need me on a daily basis. And we know that the risk of infidelity is quite high in societies all around the world and there's a subset of people who are physiologically, biologically not drawn to monogamy like most of us. So why get married then? Well, if we're in a social construct where the institution says everyone should be getting married. We live in a society where we say let's be monogamous, what gender scholars call monogamorativity, right? So everyone around us gets married so we think we should do it. Most humans, we are a socially monogamous primate. That doesn't mean we're sexually monogamous. There are different systems in our physiology and our biology. Are you married? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have to say- You agree? No, I said, are you married? Oh, are you married? And I have to say that- Married have a different perspective, Dr. Oz. I think a little bit. Okay, but if a husband is really wanting to repair his relationship from an affair and he says, it's not my fault. My genes made me do it. That's like throwing- Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That's like throwing gasoline on a fire and as Dr. Oz knows, we could have a genetic predisposition to high cholesterol and to diabetes that doesn't mean that we should go stuff our faces with cheeseburgers. We have personal choices. That's right. I don't want to go down this path too far because I do want to explore a little bit Dr. Garcia's assertion that there's actually a gene that predicts cheating. Call it the cheating gene. So you're saying there actually is something like that. So we've done work on, we know that our genetics, variation in our genetics can be associated with certain predispositions for behavior. So we looked at a gene called DRD4 and it's a gene that regulates dopamine in the brain and the brain's pleasure and reward response. So what we found is that individuals with a certain variant of the DRD4 gene who are also more likely to engage in sensation seeking and risk-taking and alcohol use and abuse are 50% more likely to commit infidelity. And when they do commit infidelity compared to those without the gene, which gets to your point that there's lots of diversity, they do it much more often. And the reason being is that infidelity is a behavior that is high in risk. It is mixed in reward and mixed in motivation. Those are the ingredients that are perfect for a dopaminergic response in the brain. And I agree with you. I agree with you. Doctor, let me just explain this for one second because that was a lot of stuff to be able to process. So there's a gene in the brain that predicts how dopamine works. Now, let me just, if I can't illustrate this for everyone because I want you to be clear on this because the women are going, no, like this is impossible, right? But let me just explain that so we can get to debate about whether it's true or not. So let's start with this concept of gene variation. And let's start with the brain. Here it is, there's the brain and spin it around a little bit. And when you spin it and you actually cut it in half in the inside, we're going to look at something where this dopamine is made. Now, the dopamine is made in a little area that's sort of greenish there. And it's left, allowed from there to progress to other parts of the brain, to the front of the brain. As you see there, that's how the brain gets excited. So people who have that normal function, that's what it's normally supposed to do, they can feel that dopamine surge even when they're making love to their spouse while watching the local news on Wednesday night. When they're being intimate, it's turned on appropriately. But in someone with the so-called cheating gene, as you were talking about this non-functioning part of the brain, the dopamine doesn't work quite the way. There's a variation in that blueprint. So it's harder for them to get happy and excited. They don't get that stimulation in this brain the way it's supposed to be stimulated when you're having intimate moments. So they may be more likely to seek excitement elsewhere with another partner outside their marriage. Before you run out and get your spouse genetically tested, which most women are thinking of doing right now, the headline I'm hearing from all you is that that's not actually predicting behavior, it's just making it understandable in some cases. And you might be more vulnerable. So again, look at this still as a choice. My choice is not to cheat, and maybe I'll bungee jump and try to get that dopamine rush. But the problem is, Dr. Roz, in the divorce cases, as a divorce attorney, we can't use an excuse that I cheated, I committed adultery, so I have the cheating gene, I'm sorry. Sorry about that, my marriage isn't working out, and judge, that's an issue, you should excuse this behavior. We can't do that as counselors going before the court. So we have to really think about things before we get into relationships and get married. And whether or not you have addictive personality, I'm assuming the gene has something to do with gamblers and people that like a rush and all those things. You need to know yourself and figure out whether or not you wanna be monogamous or not. And if you're gonna get married, you need to work on your marriage and stay monogamous, or don't get married and have a million girlfriends. Absolutely, absolutely. And biology is never an excuse for our behavior, it's simply not. You stole the choice. Exactly, as you said, it allows us to understand why some people feel pulled in one direction in their behavior versus those that feel pulled in another. We can begin to understand the drives, the motivations to go in one direction. Let's move this to the separate question of whether men or women are more likely to do this. So there are reports that there are 31 million men who have signed up for Ashley Madison compared to only five and a half women, a million women. Big difference, six to one difference. Are men more likely to cheat than women? Yes, I think traditionally, and I think that it changes with society, but in the 1990s, there was a study, Dr. Oz, that showed that 12% of the women cheated in the survey and 23% of the men cheated. However, in a recent study, that number with females has gone up to 19%, and it's plateaued at 23% for men. And what I'm finding in my practice is that women are more confident. They're out in the workplace, they're actually making money, they're taking care of themselves, and they're saying, listen, if I cheat and I dabble in another relationship and I get caught, the repercussion isn't as daunting. I can still take care of myself as I couldn't, perhaps 20 years ago. But I also think men and women cheat for different reasons. You know, when a man feels disconnected from himself or his mate, often he'll use sex as a way to connect, whereas for women, we need to be open emotionally to then feel open sexually. So I think with women, a lot of affairs start with affairs of the heart. They feel like they're getting the communication and then it turns into sex, and with men, it starts with sex. And that's exactly the point. We're starting to understand that the motivations for engaging in sexual infidelity are different for men and women, but new research is suggesting that both men and women engage in infidelity, probably because we know that infidelity is part of the human mating repertoire of the 15% of socially monogamous primates. Almost none. I love being called a primate, by the way. Could you come up and we talk about it? Since you brought up the issue of emotional versus sexual infidelity, what's the difference? Well, the difference is emotional infidelity, there literally is no sex. Somebody can fall in love and they can be romanced and romance the other one, and often, there was some research that was done and men and women were asked, what would be more painful? If your mate came home and said, I have something to confess, I had sex once, there was no feeling involved, or your mate came home and said, you know, I didn't have sex with this person, but I think I fell in love and we've gone out to romantic dinners and all this stuff. Most women said an affair of the heart would be more painful, even if there's no sex, and for men, it was a sexual affair. So analyze that. Dr. Garcia, take that back to your primate. Yeah, so, well, the complicated piece there is that we know from the research that although psychologists make this distinction between emotional and sexual infidelity, if we ask people, which would you be upset by most and give them the option of saying both, most people say, well, I'd be upset by both because we don't really separate the notions. We do as researchers, but people in their own lives don't often separate the notion of, if it's emotional, you start to think, well, it's almost sexual, and if it's sexual, you say, well, it had to also be emotional. Well, when it's personal, there's an issue. Yeah, right. It's a lot easier to say, oh, I'm so sorry, you were cheated on, or, you know, your girlfriend's emotionally connected to somebody, but when it happens to you, it's a different story, and I think in divorce, and this is, you know, the reason why I have to be the voice of divorce here because that's why I'm here, I think what we're seeing most of the time, people have emotional affairs. That, to me, can be worse than a sexual affair because sexual affairs can be fleeting, and emotional connection can be a lifetime. Oh, absolutely. Now you have all the fodder you need for your practice. Thank you for watching. Don't forget to subscribe and turn on notifications so you never miss out on new videos to live the good life.