The Ones Where They're Caught Lying | Friends

Hello, is Ross there? Uh, no he's not. Can I take a message? Yes, this is Russell, Ross' divorce lawyer. Just tell him that since I haven't heard from him, I assume he's decided to give the marriage a try. Ross got married again? No! Alright, keep going. We are phasing the accent out. Phasing it out. So without retesting their results in the laboratory, the team would never have identified the initial errors in their carbon dating analysis. Were there any questions at this point? Yes. What's happening to your accent? Come again? What's this nonsense? Alright, I'm not English. I'm from Long Island. I was really nervous and the accent just came out. I'm sorry. So if we could just get back to the lecture. Were there any questions? About paleontology? Look, I was just trying to make a good first impression. Obviously, I screwed up. But what you guys think of me is really important because I'm hoping to get a permanent job here. So if you just give me another chance to make a good impression. Ross, are you crazy? I'm still your wife. What, were you just never going to tell me? What the hell is wrong with you? I'll just kill you. Hello, Rachel. I want you to take a piece of paper. Here you go. And write down your most embarrassing memory. And I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them. Because they will dry out. You guys, I don't mean to be a pain about this. But I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on. You want to push the caps until you hear them click. Gunther, where are you going? I was sort of thinking about maybe... No, no, you can't go. No, this is fun. Come on, we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker. Listen, if you want to go, just go. No, she'll yell at me again. All right, I can get you out. What? Shh, in a minute I'm going to create a diversion. And I do walk quickly to the door and don't look back. Okay, the first person's most embarrassing memory is... Monica, your party sucks. Okay, very funny. Ooh, did someone forget to use a coaster? What? I don't see anything. Great, I'm seeing water rings again. Okay, she's taking the trash out. So I can get you out of here, but it has to be now. She'll be back any minute. What about my friend Victor? No, only the three of you. Any more than that and she'll get suspicious. All right, let me just get my coat. There isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door. Is it true they have beer? Everything you've heard is true. Will you guys please try to keep it down? We're trying to start a bottle tournament. You're supposed to be at my party. And Gunther! Go to the phone. I'm sorry, but these people needed me. They work hard all week. It's Saturday night. They deserve to have a little fun. Go! Party is fun. Maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sort of fun. But you know, if people would just give it a chance, it's a lot... Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people? Oh, I wish you could stay here, but Chandler's allergic. Extremely allergic, okay? If I am anywhere near a dog for more than five minutes, my throat will just close up. That's odd, because this dog's been living here for the past three days. Really? You haven't had a reaction. Maybe you're not allergic to this dog. Well, it still has to go, all right. Why? Okay, it's, um... Don't do it! Don't do what? I have to, okay? It's time. Okay, I hate dogs. What? Crazy! I told you. You want to get this tattoo? Yes, I do. It's just that Ross is... Okay, hey, hey, is your boyfriend the boss of you? No. Okay, who is the boss of you? You. You are the boss of you. Now you march your hiney in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. Go! Oh, it looks so good. Oh, I love it. I know, so do I. Oh, Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this. Okay, let me see yours. Okay, let's see yours again. Phoebe, we just saw mine. Let me see yours. Oh, okay. Oh, no. Oh, it's gone. You didn't get it? No. Why didn't you get it? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Phoebe, how could you do this to me? This was all your idea. I know, I know, and I was going to get it, but then he came in with this needle, and did you know they do this with needles? Really, you don't say, because mine was let down by kittens. Hey, Joe. What's up? Bad news. I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they weren't interested. Oh. Sorry, man. But you watched the tape? Yeah, I liked it. But my bosses didn't go for it. Stupid sons of bitches. You didn't watch the tape. What? Of course I did. Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me? I'm not lying to you, I watched it. Oh, you lied again. I watched it. Keep going, Pinocchio. I didn't. I'm telling you, I watched the tape. Did you watch the tape? No. I can't believe Joey. I hate being called a liar. But you are a liar. What did I just say? You still here? Yes, and I have to say, I am not just hurt, I am insulted. When I tell somebody I did something... Okay, hold on, let me just stop you right there, okay? First, you lied, right? Then, you lied about lying, okay? Then, you lied about lying about lying, okay? So, before you lie about lying about lying about lying about... Stop lying! Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape? You want to know why? Oh, this is going well. Here's how I know you didn't watch the tape, okay? If you had seen what was on this tape, believe me, you would have some comments. All right, now, remember, I got paid a lot of money for this, and it only aired in Japan. Ichiban! Ichiban, lipstick for men. Saigo! And that's how I know you didn't watch the tape. She really is a chameleon. Hi, I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service. Cory? Cory Weston? Yeah. You look amazing. And you are? Chandler, Chandler Bing. I'm not gay, I'm not gay at all. You are married, though. Don't listen to him. He's in a really bad mood. I can't believe that Ross is gone. It is just so sad. I didn't know Ross and you were so close. Oh, we weren't, but we had one class together. He was such a great guy, and he talked so passionately about science. I always remembered him. I'm sure that would mean a lot to him. And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently. I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out. I guess I really missed my chance. Oh, you didn't! I'm still alive! I know this is a big surprise for you. It's a long story, but the things you just said really made my day. I mean, the fact that you are here means more to me than if this room were filled with people. You sick freak! Who does that? I can't believe I had a crush on you! Did you hear that? Corey Weston had a crush on me! Listen, you guys, I have this friend at Bloomingdale's who's quitting tomorrow, and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone who wants to come with me and take advantage of it? No, I can't. I have to take my grandmother to the vet. Okay, um, I'll go with you. Great. Okay. Hi, honey. Hey, sweetums. Monica, what are you doing? You can't go shopping with her. What about Rachel? This is going to be a problem, isn't it? Oh, come on. You're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? It's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship. Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street. So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow. Oh, yeah, um, it's actually not that big a deal. It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this. You're welcome. Hey, everybody. They took Ben to the park. Where have you been? Just out. Had some lunch. Just me. A little quality time with me. Hey, thanks for your jacket. Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. Oh, here are your keys, hon. Thank you. Mon? Mm-hmm? If you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you $53? You know what probably happened? Someone must have stolen my credit card. Oh. And sort of just put the receipt back in your pocket. Huh. That is an excellent, excellent question. That is excellent. Monica, what's with you? Who did you have lunch with? Judy. Who? Julie. What? Jody. You were with Julie? Look, when it started, I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then one thing led to another, and before I knew it, we were shopping. Oh. Oh, my God. Anything to me. Yeah, right. Really? Sure. Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right? I never meant for you to find out. Oh, please. You wanted to get caught. That is not true. So you just sort of happened to leave it in here? Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid? Okay, Monica, I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdale's? Okay. Okay, I just really, um... I just really need to not be with you right now. I'm gonna go change in my room. My clothes are... Oh. Wow, you look... No time for that. Okay. Hey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here. Well, I've got a girl in here. You don't? I just saw you go in there with Monica. Well, we're... we're hanging out in here. Which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you? Well, I suppose I would have to say you. What if we're watching a movie in here? Which we are. And we already paid for it. It's My Giant. My Giant? I love that movie. Hey. Urs. What are you doing here? I've been trying to call you. Listen. Oh, no, no, no. Don't say listen. I know that listen. I've said that listen. I'm sorry. I don't get it. What happened? What about everything you said under the bridge? Yeah, um... You know, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge. I was talking crazy that night. I'm so drunk. You don't drink. That's right, I don't. But I was... I was drunk on you. Urs. But, okay, yeah, so it's not going to work. Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe? If it was, would you stop hanging out with her? No. I couldn't do that. Then, yeah, it's because of Phoebe. So, you know, it's either her or me. Then, uh... Then I'm sorry. You know... You're going to be really, really hard to get over. I know. I don't know whether it's just because we're breaking up or what. You've never really spoken to me. Really? Phoebe? Yeah. My god, my star student. You know, you called me that before, so I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. Now, no pressure. You like my cookies, you give me the star. Wow, a star! I know you all hate me, and I'm sorry, but I don't care. Okay, Joey, you're up next. Oh, my god! This is amazing! You get an A. I get an A? An A in school? Hey, I'm a dork? Joey, I'm so proud of you. I think you should give him your star. Excuse me? He doesn't even know what he's doing. We're all beginners here. Nobody knows what they're doing. I do. I'm a professional chef. Oh, relax. It's not a courtroom drama. If you're a professional chef, what are you doing taking introduction to cooking? Yeah. I'm sorry. It's just that, um... Well, I cook at this restaurant, Alessandro's, and I just got a really bad review. Oh, Alessandro's. I love that place. You do? Oh, yes. You're an excellent chef. As a person, you're a little... Oh, totally crazy. But you like the food? Very much. Okay, then. I don't stink. I'm a good chef. Okay. Oh, well, I don't want to go. I'm having fun. Well, actually, did either of you pay for this class? Hey, hey, hey. If my friend says it's time to go, it's time to go. Did they make you take an oath? No, I made myself take one. Yeah, no fooling around with clients. And, um, always be prepared. Yeah, that one's actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense. Why don't you just give them to somebody else? No, I can handle it. No, I'm a professional. Oh, Phibes, is that a new ankle bracelet? Wow, and you got a pedicure. Your feet are all dressed up. Because that's the only part of you he can see when he's on the table. You're gonna do some feet flirting. I don't know what you're talking about. Then how do you explain the toe ring? Because it's Arabian Princess Day at work, okay? Leave me alone. I wanted to. Interesting. Anyway, um, probably worked out for the best. Yeah, sure. Okay, in about ten seconds, you're gonna see him kiss me. And in about five seconds, you're gonna see what? Ross, did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe? Getting ready to see some begging. Oh, you came on to Ross. What? Now I'm so happy. What are you talking about? You used the Europe story. That's the magic story you use when you want to have sex. How do you know about that story? I heard it from my friend. I heard it from some guy. Some guy. No, she told me that his name was Ken Adams. You think Barry is seeing someone in the city? Oh, what would make you think that? Well, ever since we announced the engagement, he's been acting really weird. And then last night, he came home smelling like Chanel. Really? It'll make you feel any better. When Barry and I first got engaged, he went through a whole weird thing, too. Oh, God. You see, that's what I was afraid of. What? What's what you're afraid of? Okay, okay. When Barry was engaged to you, he and I kind of had our little thing on the side. What? I know, I know. And when he proposed to me, everyone said, don't do it. He's just gonna do to you what he did to Rachel. And now I feel so stupid. Oh, Mindy. Oh, you are so stupid. Oh, we are both so stupid. What do you mean? Smell familiar? Oh, no. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, no, me. I am so sorry. No, I am sorry. I'm sorry. You wanna see something? Sure, what? Okay, this is gonna be fun. Watch me freak out Chanel. Honey? Yeah? Listen, uh, I've been doing some thinking, and I don't know whether it's because we're here or Rachel's giving birth, but, um, I think we should try to have a baby. Okay. What's that now? Okay, I've been thinking about it, too, and I think we're ready. What? Are you kidding me? You think we're ready to have a baby now? This is fun. You're ready to have a baby? My boy's all grown up! You said you were ready, too. Yeah, but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now. Haven't you wanted a kid like forever? Okay, just back off, mister. Wait for me. It was a mistake. I made a mistake, okay? A mistake? What were you trying to put it in? Her purse? Where? Where did he put it? You had sex with another woman. Oh, my God. Oh, I knew something had to be wrong because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday. Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight and he got drunk. You guys knew about this and you didn't tell us? He had sex and we get hit in our heads. You know what? I want you to leave. Get out of here. Just get out now. No, I know. I want to stay. I want to talk about this. Okay. All right. How was she? Uh-oh. What? Was she good? Don't answer that. Talk about it. Let's talk about it. How was she? She was awful. Horrible. Not good, not good. She was different. Oh, no. Good? Different? Nobody likes change. Should we do something? Yeah. Never cheat on Rachel. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I was disgusted with myself and this morning I was so I was so upset and then I got your message and I was so happy and all I wanted was to get her out of my apartment as fast as possible. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What time did your little friend leave? She was in there? She was in there when I was in there? Hey. So how is this for a big double date tonight? Oh, my God. Great, just the reaction I was hoping for. Yeah, so you you found someone for me? You didn't forget? Of course not and you are going to love Mary Ellen. She's really smart and cute and funny and I can't tell you how I know this but she is not opposed to threesomes. So tell me something about my guy. No. Come on. Give me something. What's his name? Mike. Mike? Yeah. Okay, what's his last name? Damn it. Is there no mystery left in romance anymore? All right. We'll see you and Mike at the restaurant in a couple hours. All right, great. All right. See ya. All right. Why did I have to say Mike? I don't know, Mike. Why couldn't I have said there's no guys in there? I can unwrap all of your Christmas gifts. No. I, uh... Oh, I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning. With extra pulp? Yeah. No. You don't have it. I have so got it. There's going to be rumors about this. There's no way to stop it. Sophie knows. Monica and Phoebe know. How do Monica and Phoebe know? Oh, I call them. When they ask me what I saw I can be very generous or very stingy. I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation's Milton Berle. And Milton Berle has... Oh, not compared to you. Hello. Hey. Hello, Chandler. I love you. Well, what's going on? Oh. No, he doesn't. Two hours that lasted. I went to a bar and then I just, uh, just walked around for a while. You walked around all night in the city by yourself? He hooked up. He hooked up with someone. Look, I don't have to answer your questions, okay? I'm a big boy. I can do whatever I want. He hooked up. Tell us about her. Ross, you left your scarf in the... Hey, you guys. I can promise you at least one person will be crying. You know? I'm an actor and any actor worth his salt can cry on cue. Really? You can do that? No, are you kidding me? Watch. I can't do it with you guys watching me. Mom, Chandler was just saying how beautiful your sweater is. Oh, thank you, Chandler. I just bought it. Oh, yes. Well, it's very beautiful and it's cream-colored and tight and... I mean, tight. I mean, it's not too tight. Not that I was looking at... What's the matter with him? I think he's stoned again. What? Dude, I need to talk to you a sec. Okay, I think I might know why my parents don't like you. You do? Why? Okay, remember, we were young. Hey. Spring break, sophomore year, I got high in my bedroom and my parents walked in and smelled it and so I told them that you had gotten stoned and jumped out the window. What? Why did you do that? I don't know. It was the first name that popped into my head. I'm sorry. I didn't think it'd matter. How could it not matter? How was I supposed to know we'd end up being friends after college, let alone you'd be living with my sister? What about all that friends forever stuff? I don't know. I was all high. Mom and Dad just sent me in here to find out if you were trying to get Ross stoned. Your parents caught Ross smoking pot in college and he blamed it on me. Ross, I can't believe you'd do that. The reason we haven't told them we're together is because they hate me. Okay, so will you fix this? Okay, okay. I'll tell them it wasn't Chandler who got high. Okay. Who should I say it was? You! It's not like it's a big deal. You don't still do it or anything. All right, all right. Now, who should I say tricked me into doing it? Let's go. Oh, yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter? You know what? That's it. You've had your chance. Mom, Dad, Ross smoked pot in college. What? You are such a tattletale! Mom, Dad, you remember that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana? Yes. Well, I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot, but it was me. I'm sorry. It was you? And, Dad, you know that mailman that you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys. Ross did. Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing. Monica did. Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year! Monica and Chandler are living together! Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced! Again! That's a lot of information to get in 30 seconds. All right. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you're in an important relationship is beyond me. And we kind of figured about the porch swing. Ross drugs divorced again. What happened, son? I, uh, I got tricked into all those things. Chandler, you've been Ross's best friend all these years, stuck by him during the drug problems. And now you've taken on Monica as well. Well, I don't know what to say. You're a wonderful human being. Thank you! No! Thank you! Monica and Ross, I don't know what I'm gonna do about the two of you. I'll talk to them. Hi! Rachel! Hey! Rach, Rach, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. Oh, Ross, come on. You just did what you had to do. Well, that's it? You're not mad? I mean, it must have been terrible. Terrible? Hell, I was in Greece! That was a nice hotel, nice beach, met the nice people. Not too shabby for Rachel. So, what, that's it? Oh, yeah. We're cool. Totally cool. Thanks, Rach. You're the best. Oh, no, you're the best. Oh, I gotta go to the flower store. Check it out. No one will tell me where Emily is, so I'm gonna send 72 long-stemmed red roses to her parents' house, one for each day that I've known and loved her. That ought to get her talking to me again. Oh, Ross, when you make out the card, be sure to make it out to Emily. Rach, that's great. It's so good that you had such a good time in Greece. What? I have a good time in Greece? Ross abandoned me. Okay? I couldn't get a plane out, so I had to stay in their honeymoon suite with people coming up to me all the time going, oh, Mrs. Keller, why are you crying? I mean, it was so humiliating. I felt like such an idiot. I mean, it's all my fault. And you know why? Because I make very bad decisions. Oh, that's not true. Yes, it is. It is true. I went after Ross in stupid London. London is stupid. Stupid. Phoebe, you were right. I should have never gone to London. And from now on, you make all of my decisions for me. Oh, no, I did that for someone once. I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life. I'll do it. It's fine. So, Monica, you are now in charge of my love life. Gotta go. I miss you, too. I love you, but it's getting real late now. Hey, Ma. Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bazzita and... Excuse me? Did you know this isn't Ma? Her name's Ronnie. She's a pet mortician. Sure. So how long you been... Remember when you were a little kid, I used to take you to the Navy Yard and show you the big ships? Since then? No, it's only been six years. I just wanted to put a nice memory in your head so you'd know that I wasn't always such a terrible guy. Joe, you ever been in love? Oh, no. Then you haven't. You're burning your tomatoes. You'll want to talk. Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is it's with two different women. Oh, man. Please tell me one of them is Ma. Of course, of course one of them's Ma. What's the matter with you? Hey, Joe. Dad, Ronnie's here. Huh? Hi. Hey. Hello, babe. What are you doing here? Oh, well, you left your good hair at my apartment. I figured you'd need it tomorrow for your meeting. Thank you. So, Joe, who's up for a big game of kerplunk? Look, I, uh, I shouldn't have come. I better get going. I don't want to miss the last train. No, no, hon. I don't want you taking that thing. Oh, where am I going to stay? Here? Whoa, whoa. We'll go to a hotel. Go to a hotel? No, he won't. If you go to a hotel, you'll be doing stuff. I want you right here where I can keep an eye on you. You're going to keep an eye on us. That's right, mister. And I don't care how old you are. As long as you're under my roof, you don't live by my rule. And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend. Wow, he's strict. Now, Dad, you'll be in my room. Ronnie, you can stay in Chandler's room. Thanks. You're a good kid. Come on, I'll show you to my room. That sounds so weird when it's not followed by no thanks, it's late. Okay, now, this is just for tonight. Starting tomorrow, you've got to make a change. Six years is long enough. What kind of change? Either you break it off with Ronnie... I can't do that. Then you've got to come clean with Mom. This is not right. Yeah, but this... I don't want to hear it. Now, go to my room. I've been waiting for you. Wait, I just... I was taking a nap. Since when do you take naps in that position? Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy. Please tell me you were waiting for a guy. Yes, yes, I was. A guy from work. I'm seeing a guy from work. Ha! That cute waiter guy from your restaurant? The one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta? Uh-huh, that one. You know what? Just give me a second. I'll be out of your hair. I'm just going to grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail. Maybe that's him. Okay, um... It's just Joey and Ross. Why aren't you guys at the movie? Well, we were, but Ross was talking so loud on his phone, they threw us out. I had to talk loud because the movie was loud. He's talking to London. Oh, my God. Did he get in touch with Emily? No, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her. I don't care if I said some other girl's name, you prissy old twit. Ross, way to suck up to the family. I'm so glad you guys are all here. My office finally got wrinkle-free fax paper.