Harry and Meghan's return to the UK MOCKED: Patrick Christys makes HILARIOUS predictions

Good evening, so Harry and Meghan are coming back to Britain. I wonder how they'll be getting here? My money is on a small boat across the channel. Think about it, it all makes sense. They could virtue signal about helping poor refugees, they could get more taxpayer-funded handouts, and they wouldn't even have to work, would they? And they'll be given a house, although the rumours are that they've already found themselves a lovely place in the Cotswolds. In fact, apparently Jay-Z and Beyonce own some land there, and we know how Harry and Meghan feel about Jay-Z and Beyonce, don't we? Beyonce just texted. Shut up. Just checking in. Just checking in, just casual. I still can't believe she knows who I am. Go and call her. No, it's OK, she said she wants me to feel safe and protected. She admires and respects my bravery and vulnerability, and she thinks I was selected to break generational curses that need to be healed. That's well said. Yes, oh, sorry, I've just got a message here. It's actually from Martin Luther King. He's just telling me that I am an absolute legend and that he just loves all my work and everything. Sorry, we're on telly, aren't we? We're live. Anyway, but they certainly do have some explaining to do. I am expecting a little Britain-style apology, I think, from the gates of their Cotswolds mansion, something like, I was just sitting down on a chair and totally unbeknownst to me, Oprah Winfrey was there. I didn't even know who she was, and she started asking me some questions. I had no idea who I was talking to, or even that it would be filmed. The same thing remarkably happened with the Netflix crew, who I assumed were just lovely young tourists who wanted a quick picture. It's amazing that they managed to keep their house hunting quiet, though, although that might explain the time Prince Harry got caught looking a bit manic on a random person's ring doorbell in Fulham. The big question is, what are Meghan and Harry going to do all day when they're back over here? We know they love their charity work. I've got an idea. Maybe they could go and do some charity work with these lovely lads in Tower Hamlets. There's no need for that. We're on the same side, bro. No, we're not. Yes, we are, bro. I think they would love to hear from Meghan Markle. Do you not? But hopefully none of the charity workers get in Meghan's way. Otherwise, she'll just have to give them the death stare again. The thing is, I worry that Meghan is going to struggle for work, because it's one thing selling ridiculously overpriced jam to gullible yanks who think that she's a genuine member of the royal family. Just look at that. Ten quid for a tiny little pot of jam there. But unfortunately for her in Britain, even the jam at Harrods only cost seven. And you can wander into a Marks & Spencers and get a fair tray strawberry jam for just one quid. So there you are. But I suppose she's always got her cookery skills to fall back on. The good people of the Cotswolds, which only have five Michelin-starred restaurants to choose from, will never have been served anything of Meghan's calibre. You see where our rainbow is coming together here? And you don't have to do a big platter of this. You could do this with one small row for your kids for breakfast, genuinely. And it makes the morning a lot more fun. Like art on a plate, isn't it, that? But hey, while Meghan's busy in the kitchen and the kids have been shipped off to some hyper-woke vegan forest school where people with more money than sense send their children to be taught that gender is just a social construct, Harry will have plenty of time to sit in his massive garden and do his breathing exercises. We'll just process this like we did last time. We'll cross our arms, go back to that picture, the negative thoughts. I'm helpless and notice where you feel it in your body and just notice what comes up. Anyway, we're obviously very happy to have them back, aren't we? I just feel sorry for the Americans who must be absolutely beside themselves this evening at losing two national treasures. I bet the American media is, it's just devastated up. Oh, oh no, that's weird. What? Oh no, some of those headlines aren't what I was expecting. Thrown back. Our long national nightmare is over, says one of them. The Americans have beaten the British again. Harry and Meghan fail to take the colonies. Good grief. It's remarkable that they're not even popular over there, isn't it? I thought they were. But look, at least he's got the British media on side though. I mean, that is a sure thing. Has lost his high court privacy case against the Daily Mail. The Duke of Sussex and six other defendants including Sir Elton John and Baroness Lawrence had sued Associated Newspapers Limited for unlawful information gathering, but the high court has today dismissed this claim. Associated Newspapers called it an overwhelming victory and a magnificent vindication of the Daily Mail's journalism. Damn it, damn it, oh no. It's not looking good, Harry, is it? It's all, it's all a bit stressful actually, I think about it. It's all just, it's all just getting a bit much. It's stressing me out. I think I'm just gonna, I think I'm gonna, I think I'm gonna hyperventilate. Harry, what should I do? What should I do? We'll just process this like we did last time. We'll cross our arms, go back to that, to that picture, the negative thoughts. I'm helpless and notice where you feel it in your body and just, just notice what comes up. We are, sorry, okay. I tell you what, I feel much better though. You know what? I think, I think it's just gonna go, I think it's just gonna go really well for them over here. I'm joined now by the founder and CEO of Tally Money, Cameron Parry. So what is Tally Money and what does it do? So you get an everyday account in your individual name, you get an account number and sort code, but instead of having an account denominated in pound sterling with your bank, you have milligrams of gold, which we brand as Tally. The reason why we chose gold, everybody understands gold, it's universally understood and accepted. It's been increasing at over 11% on average for the last 25 years against the pound. In the last two years, it's up 60% against the pound. So if you had, you know, 10,000 pounds in a Tally account two years ago, it's now got 16,000 pounds worth of value. The gold hasn't changed, but the value and your purchasing power has. And so banks can't keep up with that performance. How easy is it to get a Tally Money account then? If you're a UK resident, it's really easy. Just go to your, go to your app store, download the app. You'll need photo ID. You can onboard yourself in a couple of minutes. Just your passport, your driving license. Yep, and you're up and away. So you know what you're getting. It's very simple, low fees. It's transparent. There's no hidden fees. There's no effect spreads depending on the amount you put in. And you just get to go ahead and be productive in your daily life. Build up your savings again because it's useful to do it now. I was going to say, so you're not, you don't necessarily, people are watching this going, oh, it sounds a bit scary. You can open a Tally Money account, transfer. Is there a minimum amount you have to transfer? So you might think, I'm just going to play with this. I'm going to put a hundred quid in it that I've got this month. And I'm either going to spend it and see if I feel like I'm getting more value for money from my sale, from the things that I'm buying, or I'm going to save it and watch how that compares to maybe a hundred quid in your current account. To find out more and to get an exclusive GB News offer, simply scan the QR code or click the link in the description. Let's get the thoughts of my panel. We've got Tory Peer, Lord Bailey, former Labour advisor, Matthew Larsa, journalist and broadcaster, Linda Jubilee. Sean, I'll start with you. So, I mean, what are they going to do all day, do we think? I want to be quite clear about this. There's two elements with it. There's the sort of royal piece and there's a family piece. I always knew they were coming back. This reminds me of, you know, you move out as a stroppy teenager because you've got your student loan. You think you're rich. You can think you can survive without your parents. You're gone for six months and then student loan runs out and you realise you need your mum. Well, in this case, he needs his dad and here he comes back. Look, Harry's comfort base is definitely in this country. He's a royal, like or not, that's where he came from. So when it's not sort of all rosy on the other side of the fence, they were always going to return here. What's interesting though, on a serious level, what has changed on the security assessment that says he is comfortable with bringing his children back? Now, that might not be for the public domain, but that is a question that I hope that he's resolved in himself for his children and his wife. The other piece, of course, is just what are they going to do? Now, Harry, I just feel like the British public at some point will forgive him. Yeah, I'm not so sure about Meghan. I'm not sure about Meghan and he has the perfect vehicle to be forgiven via the Invictus Games. It is a wonderful initiative and working for that can rehabilitate him. They're going to have to work very, very hard on Meghan. The last sort of thing I'll say is great that those children will have some kind of relationship with their granddad. It's a real privilege to know your grandparents. Many of us now, I mean, I'm 55, obviously, but I don't know, my grandparents are not around anymore. You say obviously, I don't think many people would think you were 55, to be fair. Well, I'm 55, but if your children could have any kind of relationship with their grandparents, you should try to make it happen. Yeah, yes, absolutely. I mean, what is Meghan Markle going to do tucked away in the Cotswolds? I mean, apparently, her friend Ellen DeGeneres has decided that she's leaving, so she's not even going to have anyone to talk to. Well, I don't think she'll remain tucked away in the Cotswolds. I mean, Meghan has always wanted some kind of international platform for her philanthropic work, and that's not a money-making exercise. It's in fact a money-spending exercise. But the problem is, and I think this is what was at the heart of why she was so unhappy in this country, there were two things. The first of all was, there was so much sort of hate speech about her online, and it really, whatever you think of her, it was terrible, actually. I mean, I read some of it. It was awful. But the thing is, she did not expect to be married and then going on to the Royal Rotary and opening a community centre in X, Y, Z place or opening a soup kitchen in X, Y, Z place. She thought it was a path to her philanthropic activities. And when that didn't happen, I reckon she then decided to say to Harry, well, what's the point in being here? We could go it alone and achieve more in Montecito. But the problem for her is, and for him, they haven't done that. Not really. Exactly. That's where it all fell down. That's where it fell down. Going on, you know, massively financially enriching tours of places like Colombia. But I just say, I think to have that platform, she does need to be physically, geographically, they both do, in this country. Now, just to be fair, the other point I think is that we're never quite sure where we are with the King's health. And I think that that will be a factor with Archie and Lilibet, who are four and seven, respectively. And you've pointed this out. It is a wonderful thing to have a relationship with your grandparents. Grandparent, really. He's the blood relative. Although I think Camilla's very sort of, you know, keen on looking after them, et cetera, et cetera. But I think that that was a big pull factor as well. Okay. Yeah. I mean, we're going to look shortly at, you know, actually what has changed with the security setup. Has anything changed with the relationship with Prince William, et cetera? You know, how are they going to actually deal with the safety and all of that? And frankly, I would just say the rank hypocrisy. I'm going to be playing you quite a few clips of the amount of times they've slagged off this country. They've slagged off their own family, which is our royal family. We had this big song and dance about the whole, I'm on a freedom flight, which turned out to be paid for by a good friend, who they'd never met, by the way, which is an absolute classic of the genre. But there was polling data that came out today that showed, yeah, around 35%, I think it is, of the British public, absolutely do not want them back. They have a massive net negative popularity rating with the British public compared to some, William and Kate, you've got like a plus 75% positive rating. How do you see it going for them here? Well, I think it all depends on what they decide to do. If they do come back and live quietly in the Cotswolds, if, you know, Harry has a pint in the nice Cotswold pub with his mate, so he's a little less isolated than he is in California. If Meghan finds something to do that doesn't irritate the British people, and I think, you know, we may mock it, but I think there are lots of things she's interested in, which she could find a useful role that is, that adds value. Like what, out of interest? Well, I mean, I think if you're going to do the, you know, support the women and girls agenda, I think it's easier to do that without, I mean, I'm not going to defend the laying out different slices of fruit like you've just discovered. No. You know, colour coordination. I mean, you know, they need, they'll have to fit in. There's something she could do. There are things she could do. Absolutely. And I think Linda's absolutely right about the geography. I think there is something about if you're involved, you know, we are sort of in the centre of, you know, the world in terms of, you know, if she's going to do stuff in Africa, if she's going to do stuff in Asia, it just seems that, you know, rather than doing it from your Hollywood hills. I just want to say one thing very quickly. Because Harry has washed all this dirty linen in public. Yeah. I still remember the classic quote from Paul Dacre, who used to be my boss many years ago on the Daily Mail. And he said, there is not a laundrette anywhere in the universe big enough to wash the amount of dirty linen he has washed in public. I thought that was such a brilliant quote. It needs to be a lot of colour. Here's the thing. I think the Palace will have to get involved and the Palace will have to help them out. Because to be clear, Prince William, when he becomes king, will be fighting the Republican feeling in this country, which is gathering pace. To have his brother at his side and his wife, no matter what their history is, as long as you can wash it slightly, will give them another front to defend the royal family. Because I sense that the royal family, particularly when we change again, are not in such a place of strength. Well, look, we decided to go to Buckingham Palace earlier today to actually find out what some people thought about this. Here is a snapshot of what they told us. I think it's good for the UK, if I'm honest. It's good to see him back and it's good to see him around. Oh, look, I think it'd be great because it just feels a little bit incomplete. I think she should stay in the state. I do too. I think they haven't been role models for British people. I'm sorry. I think Meghan was playing like an actress. I don't think ever she was a good woman for him. Since I believe Princess Diana was the greatest woman on Earth. Nice. Some kind of based tourism that we saw there, wasn't it? I love it. There we are. Yes, but I mean, this is going to massively divide people. One thing, though, I do think, again, in the next hour, we're going to talk a little bit about the old tax equation here, which is very interesting. Six full tax years abroad. And then suddenly the move back to the Cotswolds, or well, well, supposedly the Cotswolds could be, could be, you know, quite an interesting move that for them financially. But I don't think the British taxpayer should be paying a single penny towards them at all. Security, the taxpayer shouldn't be paying for security at all. But the fact is the matter, they do need, they will need some security. You can't just plonk them in the middle of the British countryside without looking after them. Not in this, not in this era. Well, where are we on that? Because, look, there is a case to say, Harry is a blood royal and he's got kids and he's, you know, got a right to live in the UK. Do we? You know, there are threats out there. I mean, there wasn't help by the fact that he wrote in his book about how he slotted so many members of the Taliban and then got a fatwa by the Taliban. But, you know. There's two ways of looking at this. The royal estates, however that works out, can cover that cost. The king may want to cover that cost because the king has not only is it a family member, but a member of the firm as they call themselves. And he has to secure that just for the look of the place. There's also a point where we as a nation pay for security for some people who, much of the public, are lower down the list and they probably pay for Harry's security first. All prime ministers get security for the rest of their lives. I would argue they're pretty high up our priority list. If a foreign nation got one of our ex-prime ministers, that reflects very badly on us and is actually very important. But so he probably wouldn't be up there with them. But I do think if the police say, look, we're not going to cover this cost, the royal household may have to. Do we actually honestly think that Meghan's going to be spending that much time? I mean, this is the big elephant in the room, isn't it? That is the big question. I always think on security, it's very different to secure a property where presumably there'll be big gates and high walls than it is if they want to live a quasi-royal existence where you're looking at a lot more resource to do that. So, I mean, what will happen is it looks like it hasn't been assessed yet by RAVC, which is the committee which assesses for politicians, public figures, whether or not they get security. And I think that's all part of it. If they think they're going to come and play a kind of pretend royal existence but not actually be part of the roles, doing just what they want, not what the country wants, that will make them unpopular. They've said private existence. People want them to have a private existence. I think people will be more relaxed about paying for a more limited cost of security then. But we'll see what the committee says. I think Meghan will be here a lot. And the reason I say that is because her children will be attending school here. If her children are in school here, she will be with them. Well, they might be in boarding school, of course. Not at that age. But even at that age, they wouldn't be. You can say what you want about her. There's no suggestion that she's not deeply into her children. She'll want to be where her children are. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, well, and we know that because she used someone else's kitchen and surrounded herself with people that she'd not really met before for her children whilst someone else looks after them. Yeah, but that's a show. How many people on telly haven't seen their kids for months or whatever? Absolutely. Not really, if you're watching in a few years' time when you can understand what I'm saying.