The Ones Where They're Broke | Friends

Hey, you feeling better? Yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got the interview off me. So, do you have any other possibilities? Oh, yeah, well, there is the possibility that I won't make rent. Look, if you want, I can lend you some money. No, no, no, because if I couldn't pay you back right away, then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you. Oh, okay. Well, then why don't you, uh, why don't you borrow it from Mom and Dad? They feel guilty and tense around them already. You might as well make some money off of them. So, what's this? Some of your old stuff. Well, sweetie, we have a surprise for you. We're turning your room into a gym. Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question, uh, why not Ross' room? Gosh, we talked about that, but your brother has so many science trophies and plaques and merit badges. Well, we didn't want to disturb them. Oh, God forbid. You know, that Steffi Graf has quite a tush. I'm just saying, it's right there. Hey, guys. Hi, darling. Where's my grandson? You didn't bring him? No, he's at, uh, Carol's and Susan's today. A woman in my office is a lesbian. I'm just saying. Oh, Jack, look, there's that House Bank commercial that cracks you up. Where have you been? Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the money yet? No, but that's probably because I haven't asked them yet. Come on, Monica, do it. Hey, you guys, um, Monica has some news. Um, yeah, so, uh, listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before, but, um, I'm no longer at my job. I had to leave it. Why? Because they made me. You were fired? What are you gonna do? Judy, Judy, relax. This is our little harmonica we're talking about. We taught her well. Ten percent of your paycheck. Where does it go? In the bank. The bank. There you go. So she dips into her savings. That's what it's there for. She's gonna be fine. And if you need a little extra, you know where to find it. Anything larger back there? Okay, here you go. You can pay me back whenever you like. You have dinosaur checks? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you get your money and you learn a little something. What's wrong with that? Nothing, nothing. Hey, you're a cheaposaurus. No kidding, thank you. I'm very grateful. Hey, come on, what is this? Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was a little bigger then. Oh, I thought that's what they use to cover Connecticut when it rains. Hi. Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching In-N-Out and In Again. So why don't you just turn it off? Because then we'd be the guys who turned off free porn. You're here. Hi. What you got there? Oh, this? Well, I'm glad you asked. Don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? I know what you're thinking. Pregnant woman slays four? Baby, they didn't make you pay for those knives, did they? No. Are you sure? No. Honey, you're not going to make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives. No, no, I know that, but I just need to make enough money for the second part of my plan. What's the second part of your plan? My Saturn dealership I'm doing for dinner tonight. Well, I guess I gotta start saving up for Ross' birthday, so... I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies. Can you believe how much this is going to cost? Do you guys ever get the feeling that Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do? Yes, yeah. Really? It's like they're always saying, let's go here, let's go there. Like we can afford to go here and there. Yes, yes, and it's... and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice. I know. You know? God, I... It's not like we can say anything about it, because, like, this is a birthday thing, you know, and it's for Ross. For Ross. Oh, my God. Hey. Hi. Okay, I'm at work. It's an ordinary day, you know, chop, chop, chop, saute, saute, saute. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. Turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job? If it's not you, this is a horrible story. Fortunately, it is me. Oh. And they made me head of purchasing. Thank you very much. So proud. Anyway, I just ran into Chandler and Ross downstairs, and I think we should go out and celebrate, you know, someplace nice. Someplace nice. Yeah. How much do you think I can get for my kidney? What's going on? Okay, look, you guys, I really don't want to get into this right now. I think it'll just make everybody uncomfortable. Oh, fine. All right. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can tell us. Yeah, hello, it's us. All right? We'll be fine. Yeah. Okay, um, uh, we three feel like that, um, sometimes you guys don't get that, uh, we don't have as much money as you. Okay. I hear you. We can talk about that. Well, then, let's... Well, um, I, I guess I just never think of money as an issue. That's because you have it. That's a good point. So, um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before? Because it's always something, you know, like with Monica's new job or the whole Ross's birthday hoopla. What? My birthday to be the source of any kind of negative... There's going to be a hoopla? Basically, there's the thing and then there's the stuff after the thing. If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing and we'll just do the gift. Gift? The thing's not the gift? No, the thing was we were going to go see Hootie and the Blowfish. Hootie and... I can catch them on the radio. No, now I feel bad. You want to go to the concert. No! Look, hey, it's my birthday and the important thing is that we all be together. All of us. Together. Not at the concert. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks. Yeah. So, the Ebola virus, that's got to suck, huh? Hey, Jack! I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines and eight people were killed. Wow, you worked in a mine? I worked at a Dairy Queen. Why? Oh, God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it and it was totally... not worth it. Who's Fica? Why is he getting all my money? I mean, what? Chandler, look at that. Oh, this is not that bad. Oh, you're fine. Yeah, for a first job, you can totally, totally live on this. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hey, by the way, great service to me. Oh, yeah. You know that girl you went to college with who became a movie director? Oh, yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my movement class. What's a movement class? It's Chandler's way of pretending he didn't take mime. Oh, well, listen, anyway, she's directing the new Al Pacino movie. You gotta get me an audition. Oh, I don't know, man. I haven't talked to her in, like, ten years. Oh, no, no, please, please, Chandler. I would owe you so much. You do owe me so much. You owe me $3,400... Hey, hey, dude. Why are you changing the subject? Will you make the call or what? Oh, okay, I'll try. All right, thanks. You're the best. Now, listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday, okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday, okay? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday? Yeah, so Tuesday? Rachel? I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom. What are you guys doing here? Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, and it's true. Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play. Hey. Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year? Yeah, we were gonna give 50, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad. Oh, actually, this year we just made them homemade cookies. And 25 it is. You gave them cookies? Money is so impersonal. Cookie says someone really cares. All right, we're broke, but cookies do say that. I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick. Beef, let me ask you something. Were these funny brownies? Not especially. But you know what? I think they had pot in them. So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies? The mailman. The super. Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy. Oh, my God. What? I don't think you're gonna like this. Oh, gosh. Oh, did a cookie smash in the sports section. Oh, look, and he did my crossword puzzle. Yeah, but not very well, unless 14 Across Gershwin Musical actually is bite me, bite me, bite me, bite me. Found you in my bed. How'd you wind up there? You are a mystery. Little black curly hair. Little black, little black, little black, little black, little black curly hair. If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer. What just happened? I am so, so sorry. I was gonna do it, really, but then I was standing there with $327 in one hand and $238 in the other hand, and I was thinking, wow, it's been a long time since I had $327 plus $238. Joey, we had a deal. That's why you're here. I've got to fire you. And I've got to pay rent. Look, how about this? You don't fire me. Instead, I stay here, I gain their trust, and then they'll start listening to all the nice things I've been saying about you. What kind of things have you been saying? Nothing yet. They really hate you, and I want to fit in. I'm excited about our wedding plans, and I guess pretty soon we'll be making a big withdrawal from the Monica Wedding Fund. What? You tell him, Jack, I can't do it. What happened? You still have the Monica Wedding Fund, don't you? No, we haven't. Only now we call it the Beach House. I can't believe you spent my wedding fund on the Beach House. We're sorry, honey, but we just assumed if you got married after you turned 30, you'd pay for it yourself. You bought the Beach House when I was 23. Which means you had seven years of beach fun, and you can't put a price on that, sweetie. I really do feel bad about this, though. We started saving again when you were dating Richard, but then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen. What about when I started dating Chandler? Well, it was Chandler. We didn't think he'd ever propose. Clearly, I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. I can't believe it. There is no money for my wedding? We might still have some money if your father hadn't thought it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet. It seemed like such a simple idea. Stupid, Jack. The word is stupid. All right, enough. I don't want to hear about it anymore. Good luck, Chandler. Hey, stop what you're doing. I need envelope stuffers. I need stamp lickers. Oh, hey. Who did these resumes for you? Me, on my computer. You sure used a large font. Uh, yeah. Well, a waitress at a coffee house and a cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room. Hey, you're funny, Chandler. You're a funny guy. You know what else is really funny? Something else I might have said? I don't know. Weren't you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do? Just really calm down. It's going to be okay. No, it's not going to be okay, Ross. Tomorrow is my last day and I don't have a lead. Okay, you know what? I'm just going to call Gunther and I'm going to tell him I'm not quitting. You don't want to give in to the fear? You and your stupid fear. I hate your fear. I would like to take you and your fear. Hey, I got great news. Run, Joey. Run for your life. You know what? Let's just go. No. Hey, we're not leaving until we get paid. I don't know who she thinks she is. Enough is enough. Hey, wait up. Excuse me. Excuse me! Clearly, this is a very, very hard time for you. But we provided a service and we deserve to be paid because you ate that service. And we are not leaving here until we are paid every penny. Because you know what, lady? We're part-time caterers and we have no place else to go. All right. I'll get my bag. Good. I'm going to leave some cards here. Please, think of us for your next event. Hello. Hi. We'd like to close our accounts. Close your accounts? Is there some kind of problem? No, no. No, we'd just like to close them. Okay. Ms. Lambert handles all our closures. Would you come over here, please? Hi, I'm Karen. I want to quit the bank! So you didn't leave the bank? No. And somehow we ended up with a joint checking account. How are you ever going to use that for? To pay for the gym? Well, you have to make it a themed wedding. And the theme could be, look how much money we've got! You know, I mean, you could put money in the invitations. You could have like little money place settings. And you could start with a money salad. I mean, it'll be dry, but people will like it. Would you stop? We've only been going out a couple of weeks. I mean, we don't even know if he's going to propose. Yes, but this is Pete, okay? He's not like other people. On your first date, he took you to Rome. For most guys, that's like a third or fourth date kind of thing. Well, if that's what it is, then it's crazy. Monica's right. We're talking about getting married here, okay? She can't just rush into this. Oh, what do you know? You married a lesbian. You know what? Actually, I'm kind of glad they're leaving because I need to talk to you about something. What's up? Well, this may be a little awkward. Listen, if you want to borrow money, it's kind of a bad time. I'm buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night. Hey, can I borrow the Porsche? Okay. But what is it not? A place to entertain my lady friends. And what else is it not? A place to eat spaghetti. Very good. Thanks. What do you need it for anyway? Oh, the Powerball Lottery is up to $300 million and they don't sell tickets here in New York, so... Oh, so you're driving up to Connecticut? Yeah, Connecticut, not West Virginia. Hey, maybe I'll drive you up there. I'd like to buy some tickets myself. Yeah, with Chandler not getting paid, we could really use $300 million. Yes, because if I was at my old job, we'd say, 300 million? No thank you. Hey, will you get me tickets too? Yeah, me too. Oh, I have an idea. Why don't we all pitch in 50 bucks, we'll pool our money together, and then if we win, we'll split it. That's a great idea. No thanks. You don't want to win the lottery? Uh, sure I do. I also want to be king of my own country and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart. Still on Amelia Earhart? The woman just vanished. Seriously, Russ, you don't want in on this? No. Do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery? I mean, you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times. Yes, but there's six of us, so we'd only have to get struck by lightning seven times. I like those odds. Seriously, you guys, I can't believe you're going to spend $250 on the lottery. I mean, that's such a bunch of boo hockey. I'll ask. Boo hockey? Oh, oh, we think Emma's about to start talking, so we're trying to be careful about what words we use in front of her. Yeah, so get ready to hear a lot of boo hockey, gosh darn it, and brother pucker. How do you know she's going to start talking? Well, when I talk to her, I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying. Kind of like Joey. What's that now?