If Not You, Then Who? | Exploring the Courage to Return | Luna Luitel

Not because I doubted myself, but because I was told that I wasn't good enough. I was told that I didn't fit in. I was told that I was too weak and I wasn't strong enough. I did not let those words get to me. If I would have listened to those voices, I would not have been standing here today. I'm not gonna talk about trophies and success because that was not my life. I'm gonna talk about failure, my failure. When I was in year eight, I got nine out of 100 in optional maths, nine out of 100. The whispers, the embarrassment, the look in everyone's face. I had to sign those papers and get my parents signed and take it to the college the next day. I was scared, I was frightened. As I handed those papers to my dad, he looked at me and then he said, next time we'll aim for two digits. It's okay, you got this. If not you, then who? He enrolled me in three different tuitions and then I sat for the next term. I got two digits, 12 out of 100. I still did not pass. Well, that was a progress, but still didn't pass. Then came the third term. I somehow managed to pass my year eight and then I moved to year nine. Same story. When I was in year 10, school living certificate at that time, I was nervous, I was scared. I was very sick. I still remember sitting for my optional maths exam. When I was looking out of the window, my mom was waiting for me there because she was worried that I would just collapse anytime and she would have to take me to the hospital. I remember only attending half of the exams. Then I was taken back home. I had already started preparing for my supplement exams because I was bound to fail. I was pretty sure I was not gonna make it to my SLC. I was pretty sure that I had to repeat. I was pretty sure I was gonna be labeled. Then came the result day. All of my relatives from all over the world had flown to Nepal for a little event and that event was meant to be on the day that I had my results. I told my parents that I'm not gonna go because I did not want to embarrass my parents. I did not want to embarrass myself. Somehow, I gathered my guts. My dad called me multiple times. I picked up the call and then he told me, you passed. I did not believe my ears. I asked him to double check and then he told me I had passed. And then he told me I had gotten 32 out of 100 in optional maths in my SLC and 42 out of 100 in my compulsory maths. I cropped a phone and then I cried my lungs out. I prayed, I thanked not anyone but my parents for believing in me. Then I went to my relatives place with so much pride in me. When I walked in there, my parents had gotten all the sweets that they possibly could gather and everyone celebrated me like I had just conquered the entire universe and the world. There were so many setbacks at that time where it made me question. If I would have listened to those voices, I would not have been educated today. Then in year 11 and year 12, I wanted to study, not for anyone but for myself because at that moment I felt if my parents believed in me so much and if by just passing it made them so happy, imagine if I were to study for myself, what would I do for myself? Year 11 and year 12, I studied for myself. I topped not just one unit but three units nationwide. Then I was determined. I wanted to be a prime minister. I wanted to be a president. Next day, I wanted to be a lawyer. I was at that age. Then at the age of 17, I decided to go to Australia and study nursing. On the day when I was about to take off, I looked around. There were so many youth like me carrying so many dreams and hopes. If everyone were to leave, then who were to stay? That was the question that I had in my mind. When I went to Australia at the age of 17, I had to stay with the Sri Lankan family because I was a minor. The day I turned 18, I started staying with my uncle and my auntie. Australia was not glamorous, unfortunately. I looked for a job. I struggled nine months. I did not want my dad to send 85 rupees equals to $1, waste his sacrifice and his savings. I don't come from a family with generational wealth, neither does my family have abundance of resources. So I refused to waste those money and I wanted to earn for myself and to pay off my tuition fees. The first job that I did was to cut the chicken. Ironically, and a funny story here, at the age of nine, I decided to go vegetarian. When I went to a remote part in Nepal, at that part, I became friends and best friends with my goats, with chicken. And unfortunately, on the ninth day of Dasai, I was befriended and I served them as dinner. That incident traumatized me and I decided to go vegetarian. So my first job, ironically, was to cut the chicken, lobsters and shrimps. I cried my lungs out. I used to go home crying every single day. I was feeling happy that I was at least earning something, but it was not satisfying at all. One fine day when I was going back home, I was being seated at the back of the bus, one elderly gentleman came up to me and then he asked me why I was crying. So you know that point when you're crying and then someone asks you why you're crying, you just start bawling your eyes out, that's exactly what happened. And when I told him the reason why I was crying, he told me no job in this world should make you feel the way you're feeling right now. So maybe you're destined for something bigger, something good. I, of course, did not believe his words, but those words gave me courage to resign. After that, I started working in an Indian restaurant. I started working as a toilet cleaner at Kohl's. I started mopping the floors, doing everything, working at Hungry Jack's. There were so many incidents where the burgers were thrown at my face, cork was thrown at my face. But at the end of the day, I was determined that I'm gonna do something on my own. I do not wanna waste my dad's money. Long story short, I then graduated back in 2021, and then I thought, okay, now it's about time that I'm gonna get a good job that I have studied all my life for. Unfortunately, on 2018, on my 19th birthday, I was the first person ever in this whole United world that my dad used to call on my birthday. On that very day, he did not make a phone call, and I did not know why. I called my mom, and then I asked my mom why my dad hadn't called me. And then she told me he was busy, and he would call me. My dad was in India, so I thought maybe it was the network issue or something, but then I was resenting my dad. But then a week later, I got a phone call from my uncle saying my dad had gotten into an accident, and then he had lost his left leg. That incident made me believe and made me think, no job, no title, nothing in this world is worth more than being with your family. That was the second incident that made me feel that yes, I want to come to Nepal for good. The third incident, I've been fortunate enough to travel to a few countries all over the world. When I was traveling with one of my white friends, I saw how clearly he could clear the immigration. I saw how his passport was treated with so much pride. And then I, on the other hand, was interrogated for hours, like I was treated with suspicion, like I have a criminal background. And then I realized at that very moment, it's not about you, yourself. It's not about how much money you've got on your bank account. It's about what your country carries internationally, the pride that your country carries internationally. That's where you get the real respect, rather than you as an individual. And then I thought, if everyone were to leave, who were to stay again? There has been multiple incidents in my life where I have failed, where I have let all those forces get to me. I have sat in a room feeling depressed, feeling helpless, feeling alone, thinking, why is it only me in this world that goes through everything? Worst breakup, horrible jobs, and everything all in one. I failed many units, even while I was in Australia. So why only me? So that question always kept haunting. And then I thought one fine day, I want to try Miss Nepal. I want to go for Miss Nepal. People around me mentioned that I did not fit in, and I was the black sheep. I was the odd one out. I did not look the certain prototype that Miss Nepal would ask for. I did not have the height. There were so many voices, not just from my relatives, but also from my friends, that I do not think you should go, because you're just going to embarrass yourself in international and national stage. And then I was determined, no matter what I do, I'm always going to embarrass everyone and anyone. But if I have that thing within myself that I want to go and explore something, I'm not going to let these voices stop me. And then I tried for Miss Nepal. And if I wouldn't have tried, then I would not have been standing here today. So when I thought about all these incidents that I want to come back to Nepal, I thought, yes, I did nursing for my bachelor's, but what can I do, a transferable skill, that I can actually come back to Nepal and give back and reinvest? Then the philosophy of learn, earn, and return was born. So when you go abroad, you learn. You acquire the skills, resources, and also your experiences. But then eventually you come back to Nepal to reinvest those skills, may it be physically or virtually. At the end of the day, no matter where you go, your identity stays with you, and your identity is Nepali. Even though I was eligible to get an Australian passport three years ago, I thought my biggest asset in this world is not my land or my house, it's my identity, it's my asset, it's my passport, my Nepali passport. Yes, unfortunately, it's quite weak at this stage, but if everyone were to think that way, and if everyone were to go abroad, then there's going to be no one in Nepal to reinvest their skills here. I want to say something, and I want to end by saying where I started. If it's not you, then who? If it's not now, then when? If I would have stopped, and if I would have listened to those voices when I had just gotten nine out of 100, I would not have been educated. If I would have listened when I was rejected from so many jobs, then I would not have been able to work as a nurse. If I would have listened to those voices where people told me I did not fit in and I was the black sheep, then I would not have been standing here today as Miss Nepal 2025. So at the end of the day, you've got the entire universe within yourself. There's so much light within yourself to guide you, to lead you, and to show the path. There are going to be voices around you telling that you're not good enough, and you cannot do it. There's always going to be someone, and you cannot please everyone. At the end of the day, if you know what's right for you, and if you were to look deeper within yourself, then there's always going to be a light to guide you. Having said that, thank you so much for listening. Thank you.