Michelle Wolf - Irish Courage | A 20 minute special about Ireland

♪♪ Great place this is. I'm not kidding, Ireland. Not this theater. I don't know much about this theater. It seems fine. But Ireland. Man, I've been here for two weeks, and I love it. It's absolutely... Every single place I've been has been absolutely amazing and beautiful, except for maybe Limerick. But even then, you're like, well, you know, people got to make their money for their Canada goose jacket somewhere. I'm very impressed with everyone. All Irish people, very impressed, because your hair, at worst, is pretty okay. And this is a hard climate for hair. You're working with a lot of different elements here. I mean, mine, you know, if the wind's blown in the right direction, yeah, a little bit of a goddess, to be honest. The wind's blown in the wrong direction, total golem. My hair's been damp this whole time. It's been a little bit wet the entire time I've been here. It isn't that frustrating about hair that it just stays wet? It's like, why doesn't that happen with your vagina? It was a little bit wet, and then I looked in some of your Irish man faces, and I was like, nope, dry as a bum. This isn't the weather for American women. This isn't good for us, you know? Like, Irish women, Irish women, you guys are salt of the earth. You're the matriarchs. You get stuff done. American women, we're more like salt on the rim. And even that, we're like, it's a little much, isn't it? You're salt of the earth. You get stuff done. You, you know, you'll go to work. In this crazy weather, you're used to it. You go outside. You work. You make a stew. You get your hair dyed. You get a fake tan. You do too much to your eyebrows. You're really doing a lot. You can't put American women in this climate. We wouldn't go outside. We'd be like, in this weather? No, I'm going to stay in. I want to be cozy. We would die of pumpkin spice overdoses. We would cozy ourselves to death. You know, that's probably why, you know, a lot of witches were burned here. And we're all like, is it because they were chilly? And every time I come here, people are like, you're going to Ireland because you're Irish? Because you got red hair, right? You're Irish? No, I'm mostly German. And if you know anything about my personality, that makes a lot of sense. Because I'll work really hard to achieve a goal. And then I'll get stopped really close to the end. And then I'll take a little break and I'll try again. And I'll get stopped again. And then I'll apologize for too long. And then I'll start letting black guys in. But I do have red hair. Obviously, a lot of red hair. And you guys call us gingers. And a lot of people think gingers are ugly. Well, first of all, ginger is the nicest thing I've ever heard redheads called. Jet sounds nice. Ginger sounds nice. You know, it sounds like warm and good for your digestion. Do you know what we call gingers in America? Fire crotches. Yeah, that's a bit worse. Because fire sounds bad, a little diseasy. And crotch, crotch is the worst thing you can call a vagina. You know, it's like the least sexy. It's not vagina, pussy, fanny. Crotch sounds like you open your legs and spiders come out. Gingers, your hair has never been what makes you ugly. It's your stupid face. And I see a lot of blondes and brunettes here with stupid faces. Also, of course, when I'm talking about gingers not being ugly, I'm talking about women. Of course, ginger men, yeah, disgusting. Your whole face is a fire crotch. Misconceptions about Ireland. Like, you know, you guys have Dutch courage, right? Like, you need a drink to have the courage to do something, right? You need some alcohol to have a conversation or whatever it is. And do you know in the rest of the world we call it Irish courage? Did you know that? That's a real thing. You guys call it Dutch courage and we call it Irish courage. And that really feels like something the Dutch flipped around. That they were like, we don't want to be known for this. I don't think Irish people need alcohol to have a confrontation. I think you'll wake up in the morning and punch somebody in the face. You might want alcohol, but you don't need it. The Dutch, they seem like a people who needs alcohol. You know, like to have the courage to be like, no, we're going to try to enslave a bunch of people while we're clip-clopping around in these wooden shoes. I wish alcohol gave me courage to have a confrontation. All alcohol does is give me the courage to cry while I eat. No, it's really good because the kebab needed more salt. And it is like, I mean, like, I know it's hacky. I know it's hacky to talk about rainbows and leprechauns here, but then stop having so many ******* rainbows. They're everywhere. I've seen multiple rainbows every single day I've been here. We were driving to a gig and the driver, you know, we're pointing out these rainbows and the driver was like, well, you know, rainbows. Rainbows are what happens when it's rainy and sunny at the same time. And I was just, it felt so good to know that you guys mansplain here too. Although I feel like you don't call it that. You probably call it like, listen, you cunt. Which is nice. That does feel more like the spirit behind it anyway. I mean, there's so many rainbows and I even hate to put this suggestion out there, but I really think it's a missed opportunity. You know, like there's rainbows and there's a lot of American women on vacation here and you could easily be like, it's a good way to kidnap a woman. You could be like, do you want to see the end of the rainbow? And she'd be like, oh my God, yes. So Irish. And then boom, now you're his lucky charm. And of course, you know, rainbows, obviously, like I immediately go rainbows, leprechauns, you know, and I found out leprechauns are male fairies. And that's really refreshing, you know, because normally it's the occupation and then the female version of the occupation, you know, like it's like basketball and women's basketball, you know, and then this one's like fairies, you know, the real ones and then male fairies. And sure, we'll watch them, you know, but we wish they dunked a little bit more. And I mean, I love it, you know, like you see these rainbows and honestly, I've seen so many that I'm like, Ireland is either literally magical or super gay. I think about this a lot. Gay people, you took the rainbow and you didn't really ask anybody. We liked that we're already using it for stuff. I think it's representative of the entire gay population. I think gay men were like, we're rainbows. And I feel like lesbians were like, um, I don't know. I feel like I could be more of a flannel. You know who has to be really mad that the rainbow is gay? Leprechauns. Leprechauns are like, I'm not gay. I'm just a male fairy. There's so much folklore here. It's really like, I love it. I really do. Like this is where Halloween originated, you know. There we go. I got it right. And I really, I love your version of it. You know, it was the bounty harvest. It's when the veil between the living and the dead was really thin. So you dressed up as ghosts. So when the ghosts came back, they wouldn't take you back with them, right? Because you're already a ghost. And honestly, I think that's, you know, really underestimating how smart ghosts are. I feel like ghosts came back and they're like, Patrick, I know that's you in a sheet. Have a good sheet. Use the bad sheet. And of course, you know, in America, we heard about Halloween and we do what we do best. We took it and we ruined it. It's not about a bounty harvest or anything even a little bit spiritual. It's just an opportunity for women to wear underwear to a bar. The only thin veil is the veil between the bar stool and your vagina. Which is really, it's really gross. But also it's like, you probably can't tell. Bar stools really do, actually, if you think about it, probably smell like vaginas. Like this is, I don't know, this is musty. I know, I feel like that made a lot of people uncomfortable. But women are like, my vagina doesn't smell like that. Well, it does. And you know it does. And men are like, her vagina, fine, it does smell like that. But I'd like to see it tonight, so I'm not going to laugh too hard. We don't dress up as ghosts, we dress up as slutty occupations. You'll be like a slutty nurse. And it's just like, just be a slut, come on. Why do you got to bring a nurse into this? The real trick or treat comes in, right? You know, because it's like, oh, you're taking home a slutty nurse. That's the treat. But here's the trick. She's just a drunk lady that's going to throw up in your pillowcase. Also, you guys used to use turnips instead of pumpkins for Halloween. And I wish we would have stuck with that. Because I'd love to see a lot of white women struggling through turnip spice lattes. Earthy. One of the real reasons I love Ireland, and one of the real reasons I want to come here in the first place, because, I mean, I love the spirit of you guys. You guys were oppressed for a very long time. And you fought for your freedom, and you got it. And now, you stand behind other people who are oppressed. And that's really admirable. All jokes aside, very, very admirable. Because most people don't do that. Standing behind oppressed people, that's hard. Most people are like, I'm going to stand with the missiles. And you do. You stand behind oppressed people. And Irish people do that. Irish Americans are a little bit different. And by Irish Americans, I don't mean people you know from here who moved to America. You know the people I'm talking about. The Americans that are like, yeah, I'm Irish. We always celebrate St. Paddy's Day. They don't often stand behind oppressed people. They're more likely to be like, well, the Mexicans are coming in, so we're going to need to build a wall. And it's like, calm down, Claire. You live in Boston. You don't sound Irish. You sound British. I think if you want to call yourself an Irish American, you've got to spend one winter in Ireland. You know, really be like, no, we need each other. Also, when I was up north, I saw your peace wall. I've never seen a 30-foot-tall reinforced concrete peace wall. Seems more like a stay-the-****-out-of-here wall. One of the reasons I think you guys are so strong is the food you eat. I love it. I absolutely love it. I'll have a roast and then be like, I could help somebody move. That's real food. You know, you eat that and you're like, no, and not just boxes. I'll help them move wooden furniture. Who needs me? I want to be a good friend today. It's a sturdy food for a sturdy people. That's why I think you guys were able to win your revolution. You were fueling correctly. It's very tense in America right now. And honestly, I don't know what's going to happen, but I don't think either side's going to win, because no one's fueling correctly. One side's living off kombucha and bone broth, and the other side's living off flaming hot Cheetos and bullets. They stormed the Capitol and they couldn't hold it for even a day. But I bet if they had a stew before, they'd be like, you can't get us out. I still have some brown bread left. Or the Troubles. I understand now why you did it. The British called it the Troubles because they're like, well, if we don't call it a war, you know, we can get away with more. Which is very tricky, and the British are very tricky. That's why they wear the tiny hat. But Troubles, I mean, your Troubles are war. And it's a little bit crazy, because America's always at war, never in trouble. It doesn't sound like war. Trouble sounds like what your grandma calls her period. Oh, you got your Troubles? Or even worse, you missed your Troubles? Well, you're in trouble. That's when Ireland actually becomes a magical place. Especially for us Americans. Because we're like, oh, we can get an abortion. Coming to Ireland to get an abortion, that's the real Irish courage. And those are my Irish jokes. I mean, I have. I've had the best time here. It's been absolutely wonderful. And, you know, like, I'm coming back on stage after having a baby. I don't care. Like it, don't like it, doesn't matter. I'm not going to be like, not enough people clapped about the baby tonight. I'm going to get rid of it. Thank you guys so much. You've been absolutely amazing. Have a great night.