7 Tips to Deal with Defiant Students.

So you have a student who is defiant or just a huge behavior problem. What do you do? You ask around, you get some advice, none of it seems to be working and you are at your wit's end. What do you do? Well that's what we're going to talk about today. How do you handle the defiant, hard to control student that is disrupting your classroom? So quick disclaimer, I am not a psychologist so I cannot diagnose or speak to your specific student in your specific situation. However, I am speaking out of my personal experience and some things that I've learned through training at my district, training through the AFT. So this is kind of a compilation of other people's ideas and my own experience. So just so you're aware. I have a couple basic steps to follow if you have a student who is just really defiant and having a tough time. So the first thing that you need to do is you need to figure out the function. That's psychological talk for why. You need to figure out their why. No behavior is random. Behavior is always caused by something. So you need to figure out what they are trying to achieve through their behavior. Now usually behavior is to either gain something or avoid something. There's also a third function with students who have sensory input things. But unless your student is a sensory input student, it's either to avoid or gain something. So I want you to really analyze the pattern of behavior that you're seeing with your student. Usually it will be a pattern. It's not like it's new every day. Usually it follows the same routine. You need to figure out are they trying to get attention? That is a very common one. Are they trying to get the attention of you, their peers, of someone else? Are they trying to get a physical thing, a reward of some sort? Are they trying to get preferred seating? Do they want to get something or do they want to avoid something? It's another big thing. Commonly they don't want to do their work. That's the big avoidance or they don't want to, they want to avoid having to listen to you. They want to be in control. So they want to avoid being bossed around. So these are the two basic functions of a behavior is to get or to avoid. So think about are they trying to get something? Are they avoiding something? Once you know the function of the behavior, you know how to move forward into the next step. Actually time out. Before we get to the next step, I forgot another disclaimer, another part of what I was going to say. So if you know what the function is, for example, if the function is to get attention, if you give them what they are seeking, it reinforces the behavior and that means that they will likely do it again in the future because they've learned, oh well I want attention when I scream and holler, I get it. So I'm just going to keep screaming and hollering and I'm going to continue to get what I need. So you need to proactively think about changing you, what you do in response to them if you are giving in to what they desire during a behavior that you don't want in your classroom. And then another thing I want to let you know is that they will not change overnight. So all these tips that I'm giving you, I probably should have disclaimed this at the beginning. They will not change in a day, in a week, in two weeks. It might take a month before you start to see any progress. So I just want you to have that expectation. So the next step is to figure out the triggers. And again, a lot of this is basic but I just want to make sure that we're covering the basics. A trigger is what causes a behavior to happen. So often times a student who is defiant or who feels out of control, if they feel bossed around or pushed by either their peers or by you, they will react. So if you tell them to do something, even if it's a reasonable request, that is their trigger. They will react and be defiant to you. So you want to know their triggers. If possible, if it's reasonable, if you can try to avoid some triggers, that would be my recommendation. And I know there will be pushback against this because, you know, it's like well they just have to learn how the world works. And that's true. However, especially the younger ones, they need to be taught. And so you can't teach them if you're having meltdown after meltdown after meltdown. So if you can eliminate a trigger, for example, I had a student who got frustrated. They're sitting at a table and a kid who was erasing would erase and move the desk and it would wiggle and she would explode. So I could eliminate that trigger by putting her at a desk all by herself. That way she doesn't have the peer, the peers by her that could set her off. So what I'm saying is, is that if you can eliminate some of the triggers, then that will be better for you in the long run. And then as they improve, you can reintroduce the triggers slowly. But if you, if it's reasonable for you to change them in any way, then try to change the ones that you can control. The next tip is super important. It is avoiding a power struggle. And I had to learn this the hard way. And it's something that is very hard for a lot of teachers to wrap their minds around. And I get it. It is infuriating that you tell a student to do something and they say no, or they, they cause a scene. It's like, how hard is that student? Like just do as you're told. So I understand that this is infuriating. However, you are the adult. So you need to be in control of the situation. If you can avoid a power struggle, it will be better for you. So I have some tips on how to avoid a power struggle. Cause that's very vague. Okay. I know this sounds ridiculous, but if you can try having a sense of humor, I know it's not very funny. If you say, okay, start your writing assignment. And someone says, no, and like crumples it up. This has literally happened to me and crumples it up and throws it across the room. If you give into that and you say, now you go over here right now and you're going to start it or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you go at them, they're going to rise to your level. Right. So oftentimes like the first reaction that I have will be like, oh my goodness, what is happening over here? And just try to have a very light breezy tone of voice. Um, you know, some people disagree with me on this, but it's helpful to not, if they, if you're both starting at like a one and they rise to like a five, stay down here. You don't have to like rise. You can, you can stay calm and be like, huh? Well, that's not really how we, uh, how we treat things. I'm going to give you a minute to think about if that was a good decision or not. That might seem soft to you. However, if you get right in their face, they're going to fight or flight, you know? And so they're going to either avoid or fight you. And, and that's not what you want. That's not helpful to anyone. So if you just give them a moment, say, you know what? You seem frustrated right now. Not sure why. I don't know why we're crumbling up our paper. I'm going to give you two minutes to cool off and think about it. And then I'm going to come back around and, uh, and we'll talk about it. And then I literally just walk around and continue teaching, you know? So it, that wouldn't work for everything. But, um, another example of using humor is, um, I had a student who would just like try to do every little thing to like get at me. So one day I had to step out of my room for a second. He walks over and closes the door. Very rude, right? Like I could have come in and hollered and been like, how dare you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like, it would have caused a thing, but I just opened the door. I'm like, um, hello, how am I supposed to get in here if the door is closed? And he laughed and he's like, oh my goodness. And I'm like, next time, please don't shut the door. Okay. And it like, it diffused the situation. So you just want to think of like, how do I diffuse this and avoid a power struggle? Okay. Um, using humor is one tip getting down. I know I did another video about this, but getting down to their level. So you're not like dominating over them, getting down to their level, using a soft tone of voice and, and using words that they understand, um, such as I see you did this, this, and this. That makes me think that you're upset about something. Is that true? You're not yelling at them. You're not accusing. You're giving them an opportunity to talk about their feelings. Most of these kids who act this way have never been taught how to express their feelings. So it's totally new to them. So it takes a little bit of patience and it takes a little bit of time. And you know, if they're still grumpy and not, you know, being compliant, there is a time and a place for, um, discipline and for getting onto them. I understand what I'm saying is your first reaction should try to diffuse it. I'd say about 50% of the time, me just coming down and talking to them softly diffuses the situation. We don't have a situation. Okay. There are some times when it does progress and we do have to get tough on them. But what I'm saying is start by avoiding a power struggle if you can. A couple other tips that I have go along with that. So I would say, if possible, try to talk in private. Have you ever been reprimanded in front of people? It's embarrassing, right? Like these kids are humans too, even though sometimes can drive you a little nuts. Like they have feelings. They're very sensitive underneath that tough, like exterior of theirs. So if you start hollering at them in front of their peers, they're going to be embarrassed. It's not going to be productive conversations. I know it's not always possible because you've got like 30 students and you're trying to teach. I do understand. Believe me. But if it is possible, say, listen, I would like to talk to you about this. Will you step, you know, over here in an area that's more private or in like a cubby area, or if you can, like just step just outside the hall, we're going to talk about it like you and me together. So talking in private, if possible, is the best way to go about it. My next tip would be empathize, don't attack. So you don't want to lead with an aggressive tone of voice. You want to, to let them know that while their actions might not be okay, their feelings are. I have a mantra in my class. It's all feelings are okay. Anger, sadness, all okay. Feelings doesn't mean it's okay to act on them. So if, if someone is throwing a fit or, or, you know, exploded, say, I noticed that you crumbled up your paper and you threw it and you put your head down. That lets me know that you're upset or that looks like it's, you're upset to me. Is that true? Are you upset about something? Giving them that language of the feeling language helps them understand. Like I can say, I am upset because, and then they, that's the next step to learning how to express their emotions. So I know it seems a little bit ridiculous, but by, by leading with the feeling language, you are able to understand the problem and that allows them to build a connection with you. So they really feel like you're trying to understand them and help them. And that's going to make them more likely to talk about it with you in the future. My next step is to let them cool off. Don't force the conversation. If they're hot, let them cool off. Let them have some space so that they're back to thinking like a sane, rational human. Did you know that when you're in fight or flight mode, most of your thinking is down here in your brainstem? The logic part of your brain is way up here. So if they're, if they're fighting or flighting, they're not thinking logically. Don't try to have a logical conversation with them. They're back here. So make sure that you give them space for their brain to regain normal function so that you can have that conversation with them. I'm going to do a video in the future about my take a break space, which is where I send kids who need to cool off the Hess tool. So, um, I will probably, once that video is done, link it below so that you can see it. So check out, see if that's there yet. Today's video was long, but I think it was packed full of helpful tips that you can apply right now. Now, if you like what you're hearing and you want more, I have written out a behavioral script. So what to do when a student acts this way, it's literally a guide. If they throw a fit, do this. If they cry, do this. Now it's not going to work for every single student, every single time, but this is my go-to reaction for every major behavior that I can think of. So if that sounds helpful to you and you just don't know what to say in the moment, and that's the part that's tripping you up, check down below. There's a link to my free behavior script guide. Again, totally free, and you'll be able to get that in your hands and start helping you today. So if you enjoyed this video, um, subscribe to the channel, give it a like, give it a comment, and let me hear about what sort of behaviors you're having in your class. I've only experienced a couple of districts around me, but I want to hear like nationwide. What, what is your biggest behavior issue in your classroom? And I'm looking to take on a few teachers to help, uh, do coaching calls with. So if you have a behavior that you need help with, uh, comment below or send me a message or an email, and I would love to connect with some of you. Um, see you next week, and best of luck teaching with your most challenging students.