I Quit Big Wave Surfing

A couple years ago I had to step away from big wave surfing. I was questioning myself and my abilities to the point where it just wasn't safe for me to be out there. So I just stopped surfing big waves completely. My introduction to surfing, in a way I was born into it. My grandparents opened a surf shop on the Gulf Coast of Florida in 1964. I've always had a fascination with big waves ever since I was really young. The first time I saw those waves up close something in my brain just clicked. And every time I paddle into the lineup I'm pretty much thinking the same thing. All right let's see how far I can push myself today. With big waves there's so much on the line. If there's any ounce of fear or hesitation then it's kind of almost dangerous for you to be out there. I've always kind of struggled with the confidence and like the mental side of things throughout my career. The last couple years I definitely went through a pretty tough time. Call it stress, call it anxiety, call it depression, whatever you want to call it. But I was trying so hard to get myself feeling like myself again. I kind of got to a point where I slowly was just questioning everything about my life and myself and what I was doing and I knew I needed to step away from big waves. Is this on? Is it in focus? It's actually a lot better than we thought it was. So you ready Bella? I chose to reset by getting back to my roots, taking trips with friends and just chasing waves. The first of those trips was Mexico where staying out of my head was the priority. I just had to remember why I love surfing in the first place. The main thing was just really like reconnecting with having fun with no pressure and being surrounded by some of my best friends. Mexico was a pretty big turning point for me. It can sometimes be easy to lose sight of that pure joy that you have for the sport. At the core of it we all just genuinely love surfing and love being in the water. That's what I want to connect with, just like taking the pressure off and just love surfing for what it is and everything it comes along with. After the Mexico trip and rediscovering what and who I love most to my core, I planned a trip to British Columbia to see if I could take that next step out of my comfort zone. You just don't get this in California. I just think there's something really cool about getting out of your normal routine comfort zone travel schedule and just exploring. I think going on these trips it was just it was exactly what I needed at that time of my life. There's no like one answer that's like oh this is the solution to your problems but you just have to like make a conscious choice every day to battle it and to like look at things in a different lens. By the time we wrapped the BC trip it had been about two years since riding a big wave. Deep down I knew that that's what I wanted to be doing. It was just getting past this mental block. I knew I was avoiding it but when I got that call that opening day at Mavericks was lining up with some healthy encouragement I decided to show up. I didn't really have much time to even look at the forecast or think about it. I just knew opening day at Mavs. We got there, the water's murky and it's cold and it's gray and it's gloomy and it's very powerful. Of course there's always nerves involved. Busy is not super amped but with funky conditions and it's actually just good training, good practice. What a wimp. Chuck, I've known him since I was 12 and he's seen me through every phase of my career. It's really cool that he's still in my corner and is willing to like drop everything to come and do this with me and um yeah I trust him with my life. I know when she's in her comfort zone and there'll be times when she's freaked out a little bit and then she just takes a breath and then kind of resets and she goes for it. Everything felt good. Chuck had put me on a few waves so that was good just to get that out of the way. What ended up being my last one just misread it and took the wrong line. I just felt instant pain in my ribs. The second I like got on the ski and then sat down and felt how painful this was I just started crying and I was like are you kidding me? I was having these thoughts of here we are at the very beginning of the season and I'm already injured. It felt very defeating but I just have to accept that this is part of it. I went straight home, I got an x-ray, found out that it was a fracture. Started training, getting my body moving and everything's feeling really good. Even the fact that hey like I got hurt surfing big waves like I was stoked because I'm like I'm so happy to be back out there. You just have to have that contentment with I'm here and I'm gonna do my best to perform but I don't know what's going on. Three weeks post Mavs and here we are now I'm ready to go to Jaws. So that injury was in November and I went back to Jaws in January. Hey, how's it going? How are you? This was your first time back in a couple years, right? Yeah, I haven't ridden a wave at Jaws since January of 2023 which is pretty insane to think about. Yeah, I think I remember that session. I think I was out there too. You gotta look for that kink. Like if you see this, see right there? Yeah, this little carve at the end here and I'm like I want to do this but like... In the spot. Yeah. It takes time. That one would have been a little scary to get barreled on. It wasn't super square. Oh my god, I kicked out of that one. But that being said though you've gotten like one of the deeper barrels I've seen out there so you know exactly what it takes. I know what to do but it's been so long but I'm like okay. My biggest goals coming here, number one is just to not put so much pressure on myself. I really just want to like put more hours in the water and try to paddle a little more and learn from Ian and Kai and just get like comfortable again. At Mavs, so like two months ago when I got deleted at Mavericks. You know, Jaws is heavy at any size and I just have like a huge respect for the wave and I feel like there's this little teeny tiny underlying fear of getting hurt. Especially after my injury at Mavs. I literally shut my brain off and I was just like I need to break the ice. Like I just need to go. There was like a little pressure on having to perform you know with the whole production and stuff but after the first wave her whole mindset changed you know and you could just tell the confidence was there. She was like okay I can make these sections. Just a big smile on her face and then Ridge would be like dude you guys are getting like kind of the best waves out there and so for Izzy that was awesome. Being surrounded by people who want to see me like thrive and be myself. They never like diminished what I was feeling and were always there to support me so it's the company you keep and that was just really important. Being vulnerable really helped me see that everyone is in my corner and willing to help. I think I finally convinced myself that I do belong here. It didn't take a perfect wave or an insane session but just a realization that this is truly where I want to be. Having Ian, Kai and Ridge even just watching them I learned so much. To have those people to lean on it's like so amazing. To be able to come back here with like a really good mindset and feel comfortable and healthy today was really good. Oh my gosh like I finally have momentum again and it was just in time for a random swell in Tahiti almost like it was meant to be. You do have to kind of like find appreciation in those valleys of your life because it all shapes you to get to this point. I kind of said to myself in my head it's just huge that you're even here. You need to trust yourself don't second-guess yourself that's the biggest thing. This swell and this trip in general like regardless of whether I would have caught that wave or not was just like a really big breakthrough and like stepping stone for me to get back into big waves after taking the last couple seasons away from it. The version of me that was in the trenches probably wouldn't believe all the things that have happened since that time in my life. It just makes you appreciate those moments way more if you've had to fight for it. I think little me would be stoked.