The Classic Ones from Season 9 | Friends

I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn't for fun. Wasn't fun? Why? Why? Why would you? Look, I just don't want you to think there were animals who do it whenever we want. Well, I don't think that. Before today, I never thought of you two having sex at all. It was a simpler time. The truth is, Dad, we're trying. What? Yeah, we're trying to get pregnant. Oh, my God. This is so exciting. Well, get back in there. I'll guard the door. It's okay, Dad. We can wait until later. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think so. Aren't you ovulating? Daddy. Well, you got to get at it, princess. When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it. That's how I got my bad hip. It's funny. This conversation is how I got the bullet hole in my head. I don't know what else to do. I said I'm sorry. Joey. Now you should scream at me or curse me or hit me. I'm not going to hit you. Why not? You'll feel better. I'll feel better. And you know you want to. I can see it in your eyes. No, I don't. A little bit. No. A little bit. No. A little bit more. No, hit me. Give me the bag. Hit me. Joey. Give me the bag. Hit me. Joey, I'm not kidding. Hit me. No. Hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me. I'm sorry. It was a reflex. Oh, my God. This really hurts. I couldn't help it. When a fist comes at your face, you duck. Look. What is the matter with you? You were supposed to duck. Why didn't you duck? Why don't we talk about this on the way to the hospital? Good, good. Yeah, maybe while we're there, they can check your reflexes. I broke my thumb. Your thumb? That's weird. Are you sure you're punching right? Make a fist. Maybe later. Ross, I feel terrible. You know what? You can go. I just have to fill out some forms. You, uh, you want me to help you with that? Why? Does it look like I'm having trouble with my misshapen claw? Name. No, I know Ross, but what's it short for? You know, like, like, Rossel. Or Rostifer. That's Ross. It's pretty. Date of birth? You know my birthday? Sure. May... ...tember? Number 18. Occupation? Dinosaurs. Actually, I'm a paley. Dinosaurs is fine. The drawing is not. Try feeding her again. I already fed her. I know. That's why I said, again. You guys, we can't turn on each other, okay? That's just what she wants. Hey. Okay. Monica, can I talk to you outside for a minute? Oh, no, you guys just stay here. I'm gonna go check her diaper. Pheebs, you want to come? Oh, I'm kind of part of this. Actually, Pheebs, it's more of a husband and wife kind of thing. I knew I should have married Chandler. Okay, what's up? Okay, um, you know how we always said it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? You know, you could study French cooking, and I could write, we could picnic along the Seine and go wine tasting in Bordeaux. Oh, yes. Okay, you know how people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma? What? Who says that? People who have never been to Paris. What's going on? We're moving to Tulsa. Excuse me? Okay, Miss McKenna, she kind of works above my boss. She asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there, and I was sleeping and apparently said yes. Tulsa, Oklahoma? The Sooner State. That is. Chandler, I don't even want to see the musical Oklahoma. Really? Oh, what a beautiful morning. Sorry with the fringe on top. Are you trying to tell me that we're moving to Oklahoma or that you're gay? Not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise? No, no. But they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. I'll get out of it. Thank you. What is wrong with Emma? Oh, she misunderstood. She thought she was moving to Tulsa. Emma, do you have a minute? I kind of have some bad news. I don't think I can move to Tulsa. What? It's a funny story, actually. I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning, so when I said I'd move to Tulsa, I didn't really know what I was saying. You fell asleep? But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting. Isn't that funny? Irony. Not a fan? All right. Tulsa, I am taking you for a great dinner at Slim Pickens. So cheesy? Whole hog? It's going to be tough to keep kosher in Tulsa. Hi, Nancy. Hi, it's Monica Geller. I'm good. Listen, I'm looking for a job in Tulsa. Well, my husband's been relocated. Because I love him. No, no, I don't want a job in New York. Javu's looking? Oh, my God. He asked for me personally? Oh, my God. Oh, wow, this is really, really flattering. But I'm moving to Tulsa. Yeah, so just if you would tell Javu, I'll take it. Oh, hey, Ross. I'm so glad someone's here. Could you zip me up? Sure. Thank you. Can you believe no one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me? People. So, uh, why are you so dressed up? Oh, Mike's picking me up for a date. Oh, yeah? Now, how's that going? Is it getting serious? Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I mean, you know, I like him. But, you know, am I ready to take my grade A loins off the meat market? I'm not quite sure. You know, I really admire your whole dating attitude. It's so healthy. I'm always like, is this moving too fast? Is this moving too slow? Where is this going? Yeah, you know, you are a bit of a drama queen. You're so much better off, you know, you just go from guy to guy, having fun and not worrying that it never turns into anything serious. I would say never. You know, there is that guy. Okay, well, what about? Okay, well, there's got to be someone. There isn't. That's what I'm saying. Oh, my God, you're right. I know. And yet, here you are, all ready for the next date. I can't believe I never realized this before. I'm in my 30s and I've never been in a long term relationship. Oh, my God. What's wrong with me? No, no, no, no, there's nothing wrong with you. I mean, you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway. I want to get married. Please don't cry because of me. I don't know what I'm talking about. I've been divorced three times. Yeah, well, at least you've been married. Oh, my God, I want to trade lives with Ross. I'm sure that the reason you're here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to. Well, don't believe everything you hear, Ken. But yeah, that's true. All right, let's get started by taking a look at last quarter's figures. Claudia, aren't you supposed to blow smoke up the boss's ass? I'm sorry, does the smoke bother you? No, no, no, no, I smoke for years. Then I quit. Right now, I can't remember why. You're not allowed to smoke in this office, though, right? Yes, in Oklahoma, it's legal to smoke in offices with 15 people or less. Would you like one? All right, look, I don't smoke anymore. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, it's fine. So you all smoke, then. No, it's almost rude that I'm not smoking. Well, that's not true. If you don't want to smoke, Ken, please. No, I can't, I can't smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me. I'm sorry, but isn't your wife back in New York? I've always liked you, Ken. Everybody has ordered. I would like to start the celebration and make a toast to Phoebe. She dropped her sock. Oh, what? Emma dropped her sock. Mom's here? I wanted to have lunch with her today. She told me she was out of town. She still has not noticed that the baby sock is on the ground. It's a good toast. Emma, will you please get her attention? Oh, what? Mommy? Say, Judy, pick up the sock, pick up the sock! I'm sorry, was that rude? This is nice. I know. You need both hands for that? Yeah, I kind of do. Well, how's this? Oh, look at you two holding hands. Is this getting serious? Yeah. Have you not talked about it yet? Am I making you uncomfortable? If you were bigger, you'd hit me, huh? Sorry, I'm sorry. It's obviously way too early for us to be having that conversation. Is it? Maybe not, is it? Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think I'd feel this way about someone for a really long time. Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you. And this may be crazy soon, but I want you to have this. That's gum. Oh, it's five bucks. I love it when that happens, you know? It's like, you don't know what's there and what's there. Why don't you keep digging? Oh, sorry. Oh, it's a key. To be honest, I think I prefer the five dollars. It's to my apartment. Oh, wow. Oh, big step for Phoebe and Mike. Yeah, look, I don't want you to feel like you have to give me your key just because... Oh, no, I want to. Oh, thank God. Yeah. Wow, I'm starting to think I'd never meet someone that, you know, I wanted to do this with. Here you go. This is cool, huh? It really is. Oh, I know it. It is amazing these little things open doors. Hey. Oh, my God. Hey. Christmas miracle. I wanted to be with you. I missed you so much. Hey, hey, who'd you miss the most? Monica. Gotcha. I never want to leave you again. But I thought if you left, you'd get fired. Turns out they can't fire me. Because I quit. What? What? You really quit your job? Yeah, it was a stupid job and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he really wants to do? What do you really want to do? I have not thought this through. Oh, my God. I know, I should have talked to you first about it. No, I think that this is what you want to do. I think it's great. Thanks. Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined. Now give me my real gift. Can I sing happy birthday to you now? Yeah, sure. Oh, all right. Happy birth... See you later. Hey, Rach. Somebody got your shoes. Oh, give me. Yeah. We have rat babies now. You have my birthday party? So this is what a stroke feels like. I had to bring them. We killed their mother. They're our responsibility now. You know, they require constant care. You should know that, Rachel. You're a mother. Are you comparing my daughter to a rat? No, seven rats. I think we should take them home. We need to feed them. Why? Why are you going to leave my party to take care of a box of rats? I'm sorry, Rachel, but I'm not like you, okay? Not everyone can afford help. What people don't understand is that acting is a discipline. Takes a lot of hard work. So where'd you study? Oh, I didn't go to college. No, where'd you study acting? Molly, people don't study acting. Molly, uh, do you mind giving us just a minute? Sure, I'll go check on Emma. Thanks. Won't the stable boy never get the princess? Well, what do you think you were gonna do, huh? Have sex with her right here on my couch? No. The leather sticks to my ass. You know, this isn't fair. What makes you think that I'm just gonna sleep with her and then blow her off, huh? Can't you guys open your minds to the possibility that I actually like her and might want something real? Look, the truth is I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rachel, okay? I didn't think I could ever love again. Come on, Molly, I'm old. What's wrong? I am so much older than these other interns. I can't compete with them. But I saw you were a little older. Try to look at the positive. You have all this life experience. Yes, but I don't think life experience is gonna help me with these. Wow, it's like they're on fire. What are they? They're these prototype sneakers and I have to come up with ideas on how to sell them, which I can't do because no self-respecting adult would ever wear these. I'll give you $500 for it. What am I supposed to do with these? Come on, sneakers are easy. You wear sneakers all the time. Well, first of all, they're not called sneakers anymore. Apparently, they're called kicks or skids. And I think I heard somebody say slorps. Here, look. I got these wheels that pop out from the bottom so you can roll around because apparently walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids, roll your way to childhood obesity. Would you help me try to sell these? Okay, have you considered using a girl with huge knockers? I don't think that's the kind of thing they're looking for. Hey, that'd work on me. Why do you think I'd buy Mrs. Butterworth's? You know what? These aren't half bad. You should suggest something like these to Ralph Lauren. Okay, first of all, that's stupid. And second of all, I'm not allowed to talk to Ralph. I feel younger already. We should have talked about this before. Us living together, you're not expecting a proposal, right? Oh, no, no, not at all. We're just moving in right now. We'll see where it goes. Yeah, well, that's the thing. For me, it's as far as it can ever go. What do you mean? Look, Phoebe, I love you very much, but I never want to get married again. Oh. No, it's just my first marriage was, you know, such a disaster that I kind of lost faith in the whole idea. Was it really that bad? At one point near the end, she deliberately defecated on me. Okay, well, that's bad, yeah. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always uses the toilet? Except for once in the ocean. Look, it's not about who I would marry. I was certain the first time I got married, it would last forever. I was totally wrong. But it just... Look, Phoebe, it's not about you. I just never want to get married again. I'm sorry. Are you okay with that? Because if not, maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea. No, oh, I definitely don't want to get married. No, I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to, too. Because, you know, if we move in and you start changing your mind, there's going to be hell to pay, mister. Trust me, I will never... Yeah, I get that, yeah. Hey, Pheebs, you know, I'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day, and I hope I was a little helpful. Oh, yeah, you were helpful, yeah. No, thank you. Good, good, yeah. Because the more I thought about it, the more I realized, I don't think marriage is necessarily the right path for you. What do you mean? Well, I know the other day in the coffeehouse, you were all caught up in the whole soccer mom thing, but is that really you? I mean, can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo? They are awfully boxy. I don't know, you'd be so bored with marriage. I mean, it's so normal. Uh-huh. Hey, hey, can I help? Well, we climbed up four flights of stairs, maneuvered a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pit bull, but these last three feet are where it gets really tricky. You know, sometimes your words, they hurt. Hey, uh, where do you guys want this? Yeah, seriously, because this is really heavy. I mean, not for me, because I'm only pretending to hold it, but for these guys. Just one last time, um, the marriage thing, there's no wiggle room, none at all? No, but you don't want to get married either, right? Right, except that I do want to get married. Didn't have this conversation down at the truck, huh? What, you want to get married? Someday. And hernia. I haven't exactly had a normal life, and I never really felt like I was missing out on anything, but it just, it feels like now it's my turn to have some of the regular stuff. If you want to get married, why didn't you say something before? Because I just didn't know how much I wanted it, and I love you, and I wanted to live with you. Well, I want to live with you, too. I mean, let's do that. But I don't think I can. It was okay to move in when I didn't know what was going to happen, but I can't move in knowing nothing is ever going to happen. Can you at least try living together? I mean, you might change your mind about marriage. Are you going to change yours? No. Me neither. Um, I think I need to be with someone who wants what I want. But I don't want this to end. No, I don't want it to end, either. I can't believe this is going to end. I guess I'll have my stuff picked up. Yeah, thanks. Okay, so, uh, goodbye. Look at you, all sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around you. It's okay, Emma, you stay asleep. Step away from the crib! Great, it's me! Put down the scrunchie! What are you doing? Well, I heard Emma stirring, so I came in to make sure she could reach Hugsy. Oh, well, thanks. All right, well, now that I'm up, I'm going to go to the bathroom. Okay, there you go, sweetie. This isn't over. Hi, Chandler Bing, I have a reservation. Welcome to the Chestnut Inn, Mr. Bing. So where are you joining us from? New York. The Big Apple. I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up. We had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here. I ate all my gifts for everybody. I'm sorry, Mr. Bing, there's no record of your reservation in the computer. Well, that's impossible. Can you check again, please? Check again, please. I'm sorry, it's not here. Not there. Let me get this straight. I called yesterday to try to cancel my reservation, was told it's not refundable. Then we drove six hours all the way up here, and now you're telling me that we don't have a reservation? I don't know what to say. Say no more to that. Just give us the cheapest room you have. Unfortunately, the only thing we have available is our deluxe suite. The rate is $600. That's insane. It is totally insane. Dude, let's drive home. We'll hit all the maple candy stores on the way back, and if they're closed, then maybe we'll tap a tree and make some ourselves. Does that room have a closet I can lock him in? We'll take it. Great. Look, they are totally ripping us off. Dude, don't worry about it. I know how we can make your money back. This is a nice hotel. You know, plenty of amenities. We just load up on those. Like those apples. Instead of taking one, I take six. Great. At $100 an apple, we're there. Come on, you get the idea. You know, we'll make our money back in no time. Dude, you're shaking. I think it's the sugar. Could you hold the apple? This is Ross Geller in suite 206. I seem to have forgotten a couple of things. Could you have some complimentary toiletries sent up to my room? Thank you. Okay. Toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, mouthwash, deodorant, dental floss, band-aids, shaving cream, aftershave. And I feel like I'm forgetting something. Is there anything else you have that I haven't asked for already? There. Go ahead, set up some tampons. What'd you get? USA Today. Nice. Put it with the others. And I also got two more apples. We're four short of a bushel. God, I feel so alive. I love being in the country. Also got these great salt and pepper shakers from the restaurant. Oh, that's not cool. Dude, none of this is cool. Look, Chandler, you have to find the line between stealing and taking what the hotel owes you. For example, a hairdryer. No, no, no. But shampoos and conditioners. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Now, the salt shaker is off-limits, but the salt... I wish I'd thought this through. I think I get what you mean, though. Like, the lamp is the hotels, but the bulbs... Oh, you already got that. Not my first time in a hotel, my friend. Okay. How about this? No, no, no. You can't take the remote control. Yes, but the batteries... Thank you. Thank you very much. Let's celebrate with some maple candy. No! At least tell me where you hid it. Here's your copy of the bill. We hope you enjoyed your stay. Oh, we did. And you still have all your lamps. Factor in the room tax. Oh, dude, don't worry about it. I found an unattended maid's card. We're way ahead of the game. Oh, my God. What? There's... There's something new in the bowl. Look, we have enough. Just walk away. No, but I... I want... I want the pine cones. There's a forest right outside. It's not the scene. Okay, go quick. Thank you for a delightful stay. Maple candy! I have a weird feeling about this place. How do I know they're not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet? Because, honey, I mean this in the sweetest way possible. Nobody's gonna want to watch that. Mr. Bing, here you are. You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container. Deposit my specimen? You know, I usually have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it. All right, honey, my tests are down the hall. You sure you're gonna be okay? Yeah, I guess. I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares. No one here even knows you. Yeah, we're probably fertile. Let's go home. Why are you here? Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time because apparently we... No, no, no. I mean, why? Why is she here? Oh, someone's a little cranky today because they have to do it in a cup, huh? They gave you the kitty size. What? This was fun, but I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to. I'd love to stay, but I've got a hot date. Please go. Just let me know if you need a hand. I just realized I don't care if he is the most perfect guy in the world. It's not you. Yeah, he's better. No, he's not. And if I can't get pregnant with you, then I don't want to get pregnant by him or anyone else. Really? Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure. Thank God, because I don't want to do this either. No, I was just doing it because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband. I'm supposed to bring the sperm. That is so sweet. Well, I love you. So, you know, this leaves us with... Adoption. How do you feel about that? I think I feel okay about it. Actually, I think I feel really good about it. Me too. I want to find a baby that needs a home and I want to raise it with you. And I want to mess it up in our own specific way. So, this is it? We're really going to adopt? Oh, my God, we're going to be parents. We are going to be great parents. And it could be soon. I mean, think about it. Right now, somewhere out there, our baby could be being conceived. Wait, if we're lucky and we're really, really, really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking. Thank God you guys are here. Hey, what's going on? Everything is upside down here. It rains all day long and nobody watches TV and Ross is famous. All right, I don't want to alarm anybody, but Monica's hair is twice as big as it was when we landed. Okay, when I go places with high humidity, it gets a little extra body, okay? That's why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross. Come on, I'll show you guys where to check in. Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a king-size bed? Oh, David, get one for us, too. Oh, and see if they have a heart-shaped one and with mirrors on the ceiling. And make sure our room isn't next to theirs. I'll play it. Okay. You don't know what you're doing. She gets crazy. This scar is from Pictionary. I think I'll be all right. You want to volley a bit for serve? Sure, go to. I'm awesome. Oh, dear God, there's two of them. You ready to play? Hell yeah. Did you know this about him? No idea. I thought he was soft like you. You want to make it more interesting? How much were you thinking? 10 bucks a game. Make it 50. I'll make it 100. 1,000. Okay. Let's look to see who goes first. You got a quarter? No. Either of you girls got a quarter? Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him. Monica, you call it. Heads. No, tails. Not heads. Tails. Oh, what are the chances? Oh, no, I don't think so. No, according to standard table tennis rules, if at any time a player uses his non-racket-bearing hand to touch the playing surface, he or she forfeits the point. I'm sorry, I think... I think I've missed the table. Oh, no. Do you? Uh, yeah. Do you? Uh, yeah. Do you? Uh, yeah. You really find this attractive on him? Oh, yeah. Are you telling me you're not even a little turned on by Monica right now? I think this is the first time in our marriage that I felt like the more attractive one. Game point. Don't get too cocky. Remember, I won the last one. Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl? You know, you should really look in the mirror before you call yourself that. And that's how it's done. Okey-dokey. You've each won a game, and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner. Best out of three? That's what I'm thinking. Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil? Serve the ball, chump. Okay, better comebacks, Mike. Better comebacks. I can just walk away. I've played four hours. But look, you knew this about me when you married me. You agreed to take me in sickness and in health. Well, this is my sickness. What about the obsessive cleaning? That's just good sense. You okay? No, no, no, honey, I'm okay. Shake it off. Oh, God, no shaking, no shaking, no shaking. Oh, my God, I can't play. So you forfeit? Mike wins? I can't believe it. I lost. No, you didn't. What? Because I'm gonna play for you. You can't do that. Ah, it's okay. I don't care which of them I beat. Okay, we're taking that pedal home, mister. You don't have to do this. Yes, I do. Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly. But if it's important to you, then it's important to me. Because I love you. But you suck. You're welcome, sweetheart. All right, Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point wins. Okay. You're good. It's like watching porn. And that's how it's done. Amazing. Well, when did you... Hold on. I almost forgot. Loser. When did you stop sucking? I never sucked. I just didn't want you to know how good I was. Why? I don't know. Well, this is so great. Now we can enter into doubles tournaments. That's why.