Kevin Hart Funniest Moments

We were playing Jenga, and you said during the break that you heard that I was a cheater. I did hear that. No, I am not. No, I heard that. I am competitive, but I will never cheat. Listen, Ellen. What? Black people take games like this very serious, OK? You want to go first? I'll go first. All right, one hand. One hand. Go. I'll go first. Go. Strategy to my Jenga. All right. My piece is out. Don't cheat. Well, then consider me black, because I feel the same way. All right. Now, because this needs to be like a speed Jenga, so don't take too long. No. And we're going one hand. Why y'all clap for Ellen? She ain't do that crazy. Put your piece on the top. One hand, Ellen. OK, go ahead. That's going to fall. That's so going to fall. Everybody knows don't go to the bottom. Everybody knows that. Ah. How slowly are you going? Yes, it does. If I get this piece to go back some. No. Oh, no. It's not. It's going to fall. Post for the day. Kevin Hart, I thought it'd be fun to play one of my favorite games with him. It's called Five Second Rule. And you answer, and you hit the button. You have to do it within five seconds. I'll start so you can see what we're talking about. I don't need to see it. I'll be great. OK, Ellen, name three things you do on your honeymoon. Do it, eat, swim. Three places to go on a date. You can go to a restaurant, a movie, or a park. OK. Kevin Hart, Kevin Neal, and Kevin Spacey. See, you're doing it at the end. I get it. Kevin, 2.4. Much faster than you. I was way faster than you. All right, Ellen, name three famous Kevins. They're a married man. I know, off the market. It's all gone, ladies. You missed your chance. You had a chance. You chose $0.50. You chose wrong. She chose wrong back then. Stop, why is he trying to steal? Look at him. Do you see that? That might have been the most blunt act of racism I've ever seen in my life. As I'm talking about what he doesn't like, he just gets up and turns his back. So I propose, man. And I can honestly say, will you stop laughing? No, I was serious when I said that. That wasn't a joke. I was serious. I'm happy, though. She deserves it, because I can't keep just letting this walk around free. That's not fair to her. Like, I got to lock this up. I'm talking about my body. That's what I'm talking about. So, uh, so, so. Let me ask you a question. Ask me, I'm listening. I was looking at your Instagram. Go ahead, go ahead. I'm sorry. No, no, no, let's all just take the time to understand that I'm a big deal. I'm a big deal. But. You are, he has remained the same. You have remained the same. You're a very normal person. You have the same people around you. And I will say that for you. I mean, you better say it, because it's the truth. Yeah, well, I just ******* said it. I mean, how many more times do you want me to say it? First of all. She doesn't want to, she shouldn't have to. She definitely would. That's the first thing, I mean. I don't think that, I don't think she would. I didn't kiss Holly Berry in my movie because I didn't want to mess up Holly Berry's life. OK, that's, that's what you need to understand. Your thoughts are, oh my God, Kevin, lips smell like roses and cinnamon. And that's, that's bad. Is that what you think? Your lips smell like roses and cinnamon? A hundred percent. Who told you that? They smell like roses and cinnamon and cucumber watermelon. You don't, you don't kiss these lips and go back to regular lips. These are, these are some amazing kissing lips. So I said, I'm not going to do that to you, Holly. I said, I think it's best that we don't cross that line because when you leave here today, you should be thinking of good thoughts. I've known her. I've known her for quite some time. How, where did you meet her? What do you mean, where did you meet? You meet people around. You go to these parties, you bump into people. You go, oh my God, I love you. I'm a big fan. Then they go, who are you? And I'm like, I'm Kevin Hart. This is when I was nobody. Hey, stop it. That's when it hit that I was really a sex symbol. Because I was like, this is obviously about sex. She's trying to get to me. And I told her. She obviously wants your baby. No, I was like, yo, you know, I'm engaged. I let it out the way. Because at the time I was engaged and I was like, I regret that I didn't kiss her. I do a little bit because I was like, that was my moment. I should have did it there. Because I was hard the whole time. And, and, and this is. And throw food at me, which is never good. No. It's never good. And I said, who threw it? You know, you expect it to be quiet so you can say some stuff to just look like you're about to defend yourself. And he was like, I did. And I said, well, ----. Brother, this was at a different time in my life. Sweet Cheeks was a male strip club and I wasn't dancing. Right. Enjoying the audience more. Yeah, you know, I would basically, okay, let me explain it. So the strippers and I was on stage one time and this lady was like, pull your dick out. And I was like, wait a minute now. I ain't even about that. I'm up here slinging these jokes. I'm here for the joke life. But they didn't want to hear that. Well, they changed it and we got some comedy. And it wasn't really a good segue. It doesn't seem like it would be. It would go from the male strippers and they would go introducing Lil Kev the bastard. That was my name at the time. But there's some ---- going on, man. You know, I don't know how this is going to come out. I'm about to ******* ---- fire. That's what's about to happen, man. This ---- is hot. Ooh, we out here boy. Get in there. Hey, my lips tingling. Hey, my ******* lips. My lips feel like they bleeding. I don't know what's going on, man. Here, you'd never put this on a sandwich. It's for psychos. It's for people who've burned out. I see why I called the bombs. That bitch just blew up. What'd we say? Oh, ----. You say what? So I want to give you a few between a rock and a hard place scenarios. And you tell me how you'd look at it as glass half full. Sound good? Yeah. Getting booed off stage. Okay. Getting booed off stage. Give me a water, man. See me over here struggling. Shit. Huh? That's how a black dude made this ----. So there always seems to be two approaches to fashion and comedy, right? You can either dress like you. I said, what'd you say, Mike? This ---- making me delirious, brother. That's what it does. I feel like I done did a drug, man. That's what it does. It gets kind of trippy. Yeah, I'm hot. Shit. All right. Just hold on, brother. Yo, I'm hot as ----. He sitting here like ain't ---- going on. I'm over here breaking down, brother. Breaking down, man. I feel like a goddamn coke head. My nose and ---- running. I'm sniffling and ----. Hold on, man. You go first. Me go first? You go first, but I'm a guess. Okay. Why you got to make eye contact? Yes, it actually came from my Irish forefather that did this. That's not the case. Mother was reading the paper and she was eating some cereal and somebody in the back said, oh, Shay, she said, that'd be a good name. Let me educate you on something. Black people are notorious for picking things that they saw one day and say, that's my baby name. Rory's Rules, Comfy.Big. First of all, it looks like I grew up there. That's called my highlighter running outfit. Right there. You see that? You wear that? Yes. That's incredible. Yes. That looks very good, man. That's a terrific idea. I am the opposite. I don't know if you guys can tell, but I'm dark skinned. So when I run at nighttime, I'm afraid because I don't want to get hit by a car. So what I do is I find bright colors from the gym. They're friends with a lot of athletes. I am, I am. Well, you're hanging out with Shaquille O'Neal. I know them all, man. You go down the list. You know, these guys like to be around me because of my physical attributes. You know, it's motivation because, you know, first of all, I'm a dad first. You understand? Respect me as a father. So when I'm disciplining my kids and I'm yelling, when I'm done, don't turn around and grab me and shake me and pat me on the back. Our relationship took a turn for the worse not too long back because Shaq has a habit of picking me up in front of my kids. And I don't like it. I don't like it. He picks you up? Yeah, I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. Because you're taking away what I just did. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah, it's very hard for me to go back and say sit down to my kids when Shaq is telling me to do the same thing. I don't like it. And I stopped talking to him for a while. Yeah, we play twins. But here's a funny thing when he pitches it. He says, now listen, I'm going to be the Arnold Schwarzenegger and you're going to be the Danny DeVito. As if it could have been the opposite way. What other way could it have been, Shaq? To this stuff? Make that movie. No, no. I'll produce it. Yes, you will. To laugh and see me get picked up every damn day. You don't fool me, Conan. You don't fool me. What I feel, I feel like the three of us should collab. And I got the perfect role because- You didn't have time to say collaborate. No time for that. I'm too cool. You didn't have time for socks and no time for rates. I'm too cool for full words. I don't go full words. Got it. You get so much attention and all I'm doing, I'm picturing being in the scene, serious scene. Something's about to go down. And the only way I get distracted is because you walk by. And I'm like, something just went bad. You could be street walker number one. Street walker number one. Listen, not number two. We kept saying the way you walk. Shit. It's not you in real life. I want to be in the car with you guys. I have a gun, equal status. And you're mad because we didn't pay. I'm street walker. I'm not a male prostitute. I'm not saying you are, but in the movie, you could be. In the movie. And now I'm mad. Then you pull out your gun. I get guns at the end. But they're not loaded because you've never had to use them because you're a good street walker. That's the plot line? Wow. That's the plot line? I'm a male prostitute. I take care of you guys and you didn't pay me? What kind of movie is that? You can't keep a straight face. I can't even keep a straight face. Y'all don't know how much we mess with him because of the way he walks. He's like, Conan, man, you gotta, you gotta. There's nothing wrong with the way I walk. Oh, God. That's the way I walk. I have a condition. Oh, white people always gotta go first and last. Y'all always gotta do them both. Ice cube. No, call him cube. You know, from now on, I call him cube. And then call me, call me Lil Kev. I want a sandwich, but can you guys give me the Asiago bun? I'll never forget, I'll never forget how complicated his order was at Wendy's. And me and Q really looked. It was like, this might be the whitest ---- I've ever seen. Okay, there's a scene. We can do a scene where I come in and I gotta talk to white guy number one. You know, I say something like, hey, did you see where that guy went? And you're like, that way. Cut. You're done. That's it. That's it? That's it. I wanna be street. White guy number one can be street. You can't even say that without laughing. No, okay. White guy number one can be street. You have done just so amazingly well in stand up. You damn right I have. Yes. So throughout my show, I have a bunch of pointless fire. The best fire is pointless fire. No, literally, it has nothing to do with my show. Like after a joke, people laugh and I go, get fire. I wanna take a second to give a shout out to my co-star, Regina Hall, because it was, no, Regina, a very, very funny female man. Her name is Gary Ferrari. Who doesn't like Regina? You know, like you said, it's a remake of the original movie about last night, but this is my first sex scene, people. And you know, it's what the people wanted. It is, it is. People were curious and they're gonna get what they've been asking for. You know what? And Regina, you know, this was tough for her because she, you know, she couldn't get through a lot of these takes because for her, it was real. You know, like it's, I'm acting. I'm acting. You're just doing the professional sex scene, yeah. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do as an actor. Yeah, but you know, guys, you're gonna see a piece of my butt. It's not, I didn't go full butt. It's just the top part of my butt crack. It's confusing because it looks like it could be a roach or my butt crack. But it's something, it's definitely something. She's like, oh, I don't wanna cut. And I'm like, you have to. It's the nature of the business, you know? But I don't blame her. I definitely don't blame her. I see why she was doing what she was doing. It's something, it's something. Thank you for clearing that up. Yeah, yeah, I don't know what you guys like. You don't want that getting out there. Ew, Cat's got a roach in his butt. No, it's not. That's my butt. Bad hygiene on that. That's right, ladies. I'm gonna take this little piece of chocolate and freeze it up. That's right. Off the market, ladies. Off the market. I didn't even enjoy that. This is the number one. You don't go over, honey. I'll just check out until the wedding. Yeah. You don't think that's gonna work? You're screwed, no. I'm not, I'm not. No budget. I just don't wanna be. There's no budget. I don't understand, all right? No, no, no, you're talking to, we, we're not married together anymore. But what? 21 years I've been married. We're each married. We've been married for a long time. 21 years, yeah, yeah. Holy schnikeydiddles. Yeah. 21 years. Wow. If I step out of it, it's just you. It's your thing. I want you to have the best day ever, babe. But I don't wanna, I don't wanna be a part of that. I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't want that. I don't want, I just don't want that. That is wise. You're just gonna be like, I need help with these decisions. Yeah. Yeah, and you're just gonna say no? Yeah. All right. To her face. Yeah. Good luck with that. To her face. Baby, can you help me? Nope. Just like that. Nope. I got a big dopamine pinch. Sorry. I just, I just make the wedding plan and I'm really unconfident it'll be around. Just sitting in some underwear with holes in them on the couch, playing with my belly button. That's him. That's the guy you're marrying? Yeah. Amazing guy. I can say in the top two, most amazing people that I've ever had the opportunity to work with. Thank you. Thank you very much. No. Yeah. I got what you were saying. Top two. Nice. I'll take it. You took it. You actually did. I took it. You just took it. I not only took it. I made it up. No, he's a, he's great. Grounded man, just down to earth. The first black bear. I'm not talking about a newer black. The first one. And it's like taped up. And he's like, yeah. He's like, they'll never get me. I was like, who? Who? Who are you afraid of, Will? That's the one that has a little crank on it. No, nothing. Right. I'm the only dumb ass that spends all his money on clothes. I'm gonna be broke. I already know it. Y'all gonna look up. I ain't gonna have no money. Where is it? Right here. This is where it went. Right here. Every dime. Right here. For some reason, when you put on something expensive, you step outside. You expect people to go, that's expensive. They don't. They don't know. Never gotten one of them. Not one. Nobody has ever done it. You know what I'm gonna do at the end of my show? I'm gonna turn around, show the back of my jacket, and put up a peace sign. The crowd gonna go off. I did it. Nobody said nothing. Absolute silence. It was a pro-war crowd. Sometimes getting no laugh is much funnier than getting the laugh. Oh, for you, because you understand, but you know. What do you mean for me? What the hell is that? No, no, no, no. Not like that. It's a crowd that likes war. One person was like, what's that on his back? I did the peace sign to try to show y'all. It's about peace. School crossing. We have a photo here. This man is stopping you. This man is stopping you from getting up there. Tell us a little bit about this exchange. What's happening here? The Super Bowl. You were at the Super Bowl. Eagles win. This is a giant night for the Eagles. Giant night for you. You're a big fan. You tried to get up on stage during the trophy presentation. He did his job. Thank God. Thank God I did his job that day, because I was a little thing called intoxicated. Because of, first of all, it was done correctly. All right, I don't get that many days. We win, and something in my head said, I need to go down there with the team. I'm moving gates out the way. Watch out. Sir, you can't move that. I'm Kevin Hart. It's going way too good. I took everybody out the suite. We have no passes. We have no, there's nothing to get us by the people that we're getting by. I'm literally walking by people, and they're like, excuse me, sir. I'm like, I'm Kevin Hart. I'm going down. Middle of the Eagles huddle. They're pushing me around. It's great. I know this because I watched the video later. They say, they say. Which is how you know you were at the Super Bowl. This is how I know. I called you to come with me. I gotta get your new email address. That's what it is. I sent that. You called me on my email address? Yeah. I called, you don't answer your hotmail line. I called you. Huge, huge Justin Timberlake fan, man. Justin Timberlake, guys. One more time. Come on. Huge, huge fans. Now that I'm gonna, you got the money? You give it to me? Yeah, yeah. I'm serious. I saw him at Home Depot two weeks ago. Yeah. He was helping people. He wasn't even shopping. He was just helping people put stuff in the car. I'm Shaq. I don't have nothing to do. You want me to grab it? I'll help you. He's behind in the back. What is Shaq doing? Since his retirement, he has nothing to do. He's in the most random places. Well, thank you. No, I'm just joking. Oh, Shaq, good to see you. Good to see you. I don't understand. Like, I'm 6'1". I'm not short. No, no, I'm just small. Like, look, here's the bad part with me. Like, if I sit all the way back, look. What happened to your shoulder? You hurt your shoulder. What happened? Dude, I hurt my shoulder. Thanks for picking me up. I could have died just now. You don't even know what happened to me. It's very serious, people. I suffered a very serious injury this weekend. I'm a daredevil. You know that, okay? I'm a thug, Jay. My background speaks for itself. I've been to jail. Listen, what I'm saying. So we get off of the tube. I'm like, yeah, I wanna do it. So he's got me and my brother. I was scared at first, but then in my mind, I started thinking like, oh, I'm gonna stick it. Like, I'm gonna come down and people are watching. They're gonna be like, oh, this is probably what Kevin Hart does on the side. So I was like, okay. I don't know I'm hurt at the time. I hear everybody on the boat. They're like, oh my God, Kevin. It sounded just like that. They're like, okay. How did it go again? It was like, oh my God, Kevin. Okay, thanks for that. So apparently, these are all white people on the boat. No, no. So once I saw I couldn't get it up, this is when I started to panic a little bit. I didn't cry, but you probably would have thought that that's what it was. Right. So like at this point in time, I'm flagging a guy cause I want help. I'm like, remember? And you was like, you were fine. Someone was like, Shaq, you jammed your toe. You was like. It was the same thing. So I saw it. I panicked. I lied to you not. I passed out like, cause I saw my shoulder out the socket. He was like, you're gonna be all right. And I was like, too late. I'm going. It was over. I woke up in the hospital. It was popped back in. I'm at a different point in my life. I'm not lying anymore. I think that was my biggest problem when I was married. I was a liar. Liar? Yes, dude. I used to lie all the time. For no reason. Just because I could. Like, I'm serious. Like stupid stuff. Kevin, what time is it? Six o'clock? No, it's not. I don't care. I thought it was. Like, dude, you can't feed pigeons and tell a black woman that you fed pigeons. She's not gonna believe you, right? What are you doing? I'm feeding pigeons. No, you're not. I am, listen. She's like, no, that's a girl. That's a girl. You know what? My family, man, is the best. I got a great support group. My brother make me laugh, though. My brother, I call him King Negative. No matter how great something is, my brother finds a negative in it. I've never seen anything like it. Like, I just bought land. And I'm like, yo, man, instead of going out looking for a house, I bought land. I'm just gonna build a house. He was like, good luck. You got no experience. I'm not physically building a house. That's his thing. In his mind, he's real. I don't care what it is. It's the most negative thing I've ever seen in my life. Like, I've called my brother. Hey, Ken, yo, number one in the box office. Yeah, domestic. You didn't get released. What are you talking about? Like, dude, let me enjoy this. I'm just giving it to you real. What is your problem? It's just nonstop. I'm like, I love you to death, but it never fails. I don't care what it is. When I see things, it makes me laugh. One guy called me. He's like, oh, I've never seen anything more annoying than Kevin Hart in that little voice. It's just like a little Muppet with a battery. And I was like, that's pretty good. You know what I do, though? I love actually reading the worst stuff about me. You do? I swear, it's the fun. It makes me laugh. First of all, I got thick skin. I'm a comedian. So I've talked about people I've been talked about. That's the nature of my craft, of my business. So I was like, you're the best. And I sign it. And they give him a big bottle of wine. That must confuse the hell out of him. Yeah, it makes him, what is he saying? But they drank the wine. I know they drank the wine. He's the best. A huge name, probably the biggest name in comedy right now. And you can have a private island to hang out on. But everybody has to start somewhere. And when you started out, it was rough. It was tough going in the beginning. For me, yeah, in the beginning, that kid was tough. I remember one time, I was doing a show, right? There was only 15 people there. But every time I went to go tell my punchline, somebody threw a strike. Dead serious. It's a live bowling alley. They're bowling while you're telling jokes? I'm in the middle lane. There's people bowling down here, people bowling down here. I mean, you know I'm talking about a comedian, man. I used to do spots for food. You know, doing standup comedy. So when you go tough, you're talking about a guy who used to perform live shows in a bowling alley. And I'm like, man, listen, I don't know about y'all. Bang! Man, listen, I don't know about y'all. I never told one joke. I just kept starting over and over again. You can go out, do what you wanna do. I'm gonna support you. After that, if you don't find a way to feed yourself, then you gotta go back to school. You gotta do something productive. I said, mom, okay, give me a year doing this comedy. When I needed an apartment, and I went and got one on my own. I couldn't afford to rent because I was trying to do comedy. So my mom, she was very religious. She said, look, Kevin, I'm gonna put you on my back. I got you for a year. Mom, you didn't give me rent this month. She's like, well, did you read your Bible? I'm like, mom, look, I don't have time to talk about the Bible stuff right now. I need the money. Like, this is for real. They're gonna kick me out. She's like, read your Bible, then talk to me. Mom, okay, goodbye. I ain't gonna call my mom. Did you read your Bible? Mom, I don't wanna read the Bible right now. I'm not gonna have a place to read it in a minute if you don't give me the money. She's like, look, I'm not gonna do this with you, Kevin. Read your Bible, talk to me. It gets close to the third month. I'm like, oh my God, like, they're really threatening to kick me out. I finally open up my Bible. When I open it up, my mom put all of the checks for the rest of the year in the Bible. So I open it, and all of my rent checks fall out, and I just sat there with the dumbest look on my face. I ain't gonna do this. Another month go by, I'm getting eviction notices. Mom, stop playing. Like, if you don't give me this money, I'm gonna be homeless. Call my mom. I said, mom, I see what you did. You put it in the Bible. She said, did you read it? No, but I got the checks. What are you, don't, don't laugh like that. You look like a detective that's a DJ. Like, you know what I'm saying? I'm trying. This is why I need therapy. That's me. That's me in high school. Whoa, whoa. But yes. Yes. Don't laugh like that. Don't, that's OK. Well, there's my picture. Whoa, look at that. I hate that I'm standing right next to the stove. That's what I hate, right? Like, there's no way for me to say I was a big child or nothing. Like, everything is right here. It's the perspective. No, no, it's really bad. This is really bad. Thought we were going to have some pretty good chemistry, but then it really exploded into a really cool bond and brotherhood. There is a mutual admiration. Kevin has a lot of drive and ambition. You know, his mouth is like the Energizer budding, but that's OK. I do that because I'm very smart. Yeah, you go first. You see what I'm saying? You see what he did there, don't you? I'm not going to go first again. I bet you that. I'm not going to go first again. I'm saying, I have a lot of love and a lot of respect for you. At mine, I gave all. I was very positive the whole way through. Any shots. That wasn't a shot. But you waited for me to finish. Energizer Bunny is actually a good thing. That's why I don't like to go first. You see, it actually, you see it on screen when we get together. And yeah. Also, I do a lot of the heavy lifting. OK. That's it. All right. Jumanji, welcome to the Jundalism Theater. What up, what up, what up? When people see you on the street, I know they know who you are. But there's some people who don't know. Say, when are you going to fight Manny Pacquiao? Floyd Mayweather, Floyd Mayweather. Do I look like Floyd Mayweather? A little bit. I can't fight like him, though. My only two fights were with family, though. My cousin, my cousin Kimberly, she beat me bad. Kimberly beat me bad. Kimberly was a bad one. I never should have went in there. I wish I had his money, though. Have you ever gotten in a fight? Oh, man. I've lost a couple, George. Honestly, you know, I have no problem with being honest. People, my record isn't that good on the streets. I was by myself. My cousin Kimberly grabbed my arm, slung me all over the floor. You know, the worst part about losing a fight is when you lose your shoe. Because then you got to go find your shoe. That's the worst part. I don't like that part. I don't like that part at all. My family hyped me up to do it. They was like, Kev, don't let her talk to you like that. You need to go hit her. And I was like, but you think, like, she's bigger. They was like, it don't matter, man. Hit her. And I was like, well, if I miss, are y'all going to help me? They was like, yeah, yeah, go. I went downstairs. I didn't see nobody behind me. All right, you were at probably one of the funniest things I've ever seen. OK. And people that know, I want to ask you, everybody take a look at this video. And we're going to ask you to kind of narrate what was happening. Puff had a party. He's called me, said, Kev, can you host a party with me? I said, yeah, dude. I said, I'll do it. I said, I'm in New York. So he said, look, we're creating this little sexy scene in the bathroom. It's going to be girls in the tub. You, Trey Songz. Fabulous. I'm up there, and I'm hosting. You know, I'm promoting the party. I'm like, yeah, man, this is a nice event. You see, we up here in the tub. I hear Trey Songz behind me. Like, it's nice. It's going to look like it's the place to be. We're going to Ustream it. I said, oh, that's going to be hot. So we get up there. I'm hosting. You know, first of all, I'm a sex symbol. OK? First of all, if somebody here is on fire, it's a panic. It's a yell. Yo, yo, your hair. It should be crazy. You would have thought Trey was singing. This is all I heard. I heard, yo, your hair's on fire. Literally, like the flame, like George, the flame grew. Like, it was like somebody threw gasoline on it. Like, it was one of his tricks. Like, yo, your hair's on fire. I turned around. I saw it. I was like, oh. At the end of the day, I don't want to die. You know, I don't know if you guys know, weaves are the most flammable thing. A weave, if there had been another girl next to her with a weave, that thing would have caught faster than the forest fire. So I said, when I saw it, I was like, oh, oh. So my first instinct was to save myself, because at the end of the day, it's the truth. I just said, let me save myself. Now, to camera, I run. I'm like, did you get that on tape? Only reason why I said that is because I didn't really get to see the whole thing. So I wanted to see it all. What can you pass along to your kids that they would understand? Well, you know what, George? It's funny you say that, because I've been having a hard time with figuring out the type of life lessons, you know, that I'm trying to hand my kids. You know, basically, as a father, you want to teach your kids certain things. I think it's safe to say you were probably raised very, very tough, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tough family. My main thing is teaching my son how to fight. And how old is he? My son's three, OK? Now, look, you don't want to see what goes on in these daycares, all right? These little kids are crazy. Here's the one thing, like, OK, my daughter, and this is me being very honest, you guys. My daughter's a little princess, beautiful. She's spoiled. So, you know, I'm one way with her, but with my son, I'm like, I live in LA. I'm in the valley. You know, my son ain't around tough kids, all right? I caught a little boy putting paste in my son's mouth. That's when I had enough. I said, I'm going to teach my son how to defend himself. Now, the only problem I'm having, my son, my son thinks he's Spider-Man, George, for real. Like, listen, I'm not joking. I'm not joking. So I go to pick him up from school, right? This little boy's hitting my son in the head with a truck, right? My son on the floor doing this. Like, when we play, he wet me. He like, like, listen. But because I'm dad, like, because I'm his dad, when he does it, I got to act like I'm caught. I'm like, oh, no. You know, let me out. Let me out. I said, boy, you're not. Get your ass up. You're not Spider-Man, man. You're not Spider-Man. He tried to get me while I was talking, but I had to play. I was like, OK, let me out. Let dad out. Y'all laugh, but I'm being so serious, man. My household son is in trouble if I don't say this. He really thinks he's Spider-Man, George. Don't judge my son, OK? I had my son come here and web this whole audience right now. My son will web all y'all ears, man. Y'all better act like y'all caught in the net. I'm from Philadelphia, you guys. You know, city where it go down at. I don't know. All right, so listen. So I don't know what that was. I saw it in the video. I'm from a school of A's, B's, and C's. You know, D's are bad, F's are bad. So in my mind, I'm like, you got worse than an F? Like, you got an E? I get five. I said, like, how dumb is my baby to get an E? I almost punched my daughter in the forehead, but I had to stop. No, I'm serious. Only reason I didn't do it, because my son was like, and he stopped me. So I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I was ready to punch. My son stopped me. Oh, my god. She was like, no, no. Like, her mom told me it was excellent and good. But that just made me even more angry, because I'm like, who gave y'all the audacity in California to change these things? OK? No, no, no. For years, it was A's, B's, and C's. E's and G's? Nobody do that. I'm serious. Like, you got little cards that I can promote. You know, give me something that I can get out of cool. I'm jumping out this bag on truck. I'm serious, George. I failed twice in a commercial. I failed two times. I got you something for the next party, man, in case it gets out of control. Pick up two of my friends. You cool with that? OK. Hey! OK, OK. Rule number one, don't **** this up. Hey, man. Hey, hey. Tupac was one of the biggest thugs I know, and he always was. Let's see. That's a good point. That's a really good point. All right. Here we go. Slow down! Jesus, why don't you take off all crazy? You're the funny friends-on guy. No, I'm not. Women don't put me in the friends-on. When they see me, first thing that comes to mind is I want to bump bellies with you. Only when you score a touchdown. I done been in the end zone lots of times. And let me tell you something, when I get in there, I dance. What do you mean? Driving a car without power windows is a big mistake. I can't do this all day. If you're not sleeping, there's nothing. You go, mother-******! Good. We looking for marijuana. Yeah, we're going to buy weed. Have you done crack? No. OK. Booger sugar? You in here doing coke through your butt? They said get in the restaurant. I just want to know how that conversation goes. Keep going. What's your favorite fast food? Um, Popeye's. Popeye's? I almost married you just then. That's an insane amount of smoke. What are you talking about? This is like a Cheech and Chong movie up front. Crack your window, we're going to die. We're going to die if we're going to jail. You blocking the crosswalk right now? Sir, here's a good thing about me. First and foremost, I'm a Christian. And what I learned is that Jesus once walked on water. I don't know where I'm going with this, guys. I really can't think. What do you guys think? You are ready for your driver's test. Isn't she ready now, guys? No, you are. Listen, if the instructor says anything that you don't like, you throw a battery at his ass. This chicken? Crack. Uh-uh. This is crack cocaine right here. I wonder if you could take this up. The butt? The butt. I would do it. That's the only time I would do it. Deanna, you're bad, man. Look, I'm not saying that I'm scared, because I'm not. But this ain't safe. We've been on the corner for some time right now, and it looks like we selling ass. I mean, you know, that's the look you got. That ain't the look I want to put out to the world. Hey, cool white boy. His jeans be tight, though. His jeans do be tight. His jeans is tight. I mean, damn. Look like Conan Backpocket's touching right now. I ain't never seen that in my life. Are any of you girls single? I am. Anthony, this is when you ask for the number. This is amazing. This is Anthony. Anthony, put huge penis next to me. Yeah, that's how she gonna know it's you. Showing your tits. Grab the stuff. We fucked you, man. He's on my ass. We straight. We straight fucked him, man. I gotta go back. I left my brown bag. I ain't got no socks on. Don't say that. You got no socks. I ain't got no socks on, man. Think how much they'd be cheering if you had socks. No, no, no, no. His top lip is always straight. All day. That's his lip all day. Q, you want to eat? Maybe. All right, I guess. You know what Q does that annoys me, though? He makes noises every time he sits down or gets up. Really? Like what? It makes me so mad. I don't know. You know how people do stuff that gets under your skin a little bit? When I'm sitting there messing with you about your walk, I do things like that to him all day. Right. All day, man. Right. He don't walk like you. But it's not, I'm saying, if he did, if he did, I would give it to him the same. Right. Right? He's a rocker. When it's time to get up, he's like. He's not 80 years old. It's hilarious. He's a ready, set, go, get upper.