10 Ways We Accidentally Teach Our Kids to Value Stuff Over People

I don't think I've ever seen a list ranking the top values that parents want to pass on to their kids. But I imagine most people would list many of the same values. Honesty, character, work ethic. A high percentage would also include their faith. And there's no doubt in my mind that loving others would rank near the top for nearly every parent. As would words like kindness and generosity and compassion. We want our kids to prioritize people especially over possessions. But I wonder how well we as a society are accomplishing that. Oftentimes despite our internal desires our individual actions tell a different story and our kids end up noticing. In many of our homes we put more focus on the pursuit of material acquisition than we put on healthy and meaningful relationships. Without even realizing it we subtly teach our kids to value stuff over people. Here are 10 ways this can accidentally happen if we're not careful. And if your heart is to teach your kids to value people listen closely to see if you recognize yourself anywhere on this list. Number one we buy more than we need. Kids notice when our closets overflow, our garages are too full to park in, and packages regularly show up at the front door. When constant accumulation becomes normal our children start to believe happiness is found in possessions because that is the exact message we communicate. It's difficult to hear this but there are no healthy motivations compelling us to acquire more than we need. And whatever is motivating us to do that is a motivation that our kids are learning. Number two we fill our homes with talk about shopping. I don't know what the most common three-word phrase is in a typical American household. If it's I love you or is it I want that, it's on sale, or let's go shopping. When most of our conversations revolve around what we want to buy or get delivered by tomorrow that way of living becomes normal for our children. Our focus on it sets the precedent for our kids to focus on it as well. Number three we hold on to basements full of stuff instead of sharing with others. The typical American family home is filled with countless possessions and items that are no longer being used. As a matter of fact according to some surveys nearly 40% of us can't even park in our garage. When we keep closets, attics, basements, and garages filled with things we no longer need we're not just making our homes harder to manage we're also sending a subtle message to our kids that's what's ours is ours even if someone else could be using it more. On the other hand when we model generosity when we choose to give what we don't need anymore rather than keep it they notice that. A fourth way we accidentally teach our kids to value stuff over people is we work for money but don't show how our money can work for others. Gloria Steinem once said it is more rewarding to watch money change the world than to watch it accumulate. Some might argue but I'm accumulating money so that I can give it away. Unfortunately that time rarely comes instead the more money we acquire the more we think we need or just plain end up wanting. There's nothing wrong with working hard to provide and earn a living for our families but when the goal of our life becomes only accumulating as much money for ourselves as we can get how can we expect our kids to live any differently. Number five we define success in terms of money and possessions. If our kids constantly hear us discussing success in material ways celebrating raises financial milestones and material achievements more than kindness generosity or integrity they'll quickly learn to chase the exact same things. We need to remind ourselves and them that real success isn't measured by possessions but by how we treat others and use our gifts to impact the world. Similarly number six we envy those who have more. Our kids pick up quickly on our attitudes toward others. When we admire or envy neighbors friends family members colleagues or even celebrities solely for their wealth or possessions we communicate that having more stuff is what makes someone admirable. That's why it's so important we learn to define success differently and choose mentors worth imitating because of their character and their values not the things they buy. So let's go out of our way to celebrate the attributes in others we most want to see in our children. Here's another way that we accidentally teach our kids to value stuff over people. We only use gifts to communicate love. If every achievement or special moment is celebrated with a new toy a gadget or a thing we're teaching our kids to associate love and approval and success with the acquisition of material possessions. Now I'm not against giving gifts to express respect love and admiration or occasionally as a celebration but it would be wise for all of us to rethink the wisdom of buying things we don't need as the best expression of love. Surely there are better ways to do that. Number eight we frequently use shopping as family entertainment. If our outings and weekends and vacations frequently involve trips to malls or stores just to look around our kids learn to equate fun with consumption but when we choose activities that focus on relationships adventure creativity connection we begin to model for our kids that there are more meaningful forms of entertainment than shopping. This is something to keep in mind as much as on a lazy Saturday afternoon as it is on your next summer trip. Number nine we prioritize a home filled with nice things rather than a home filled with love and connection. One of the most welcoming and loving homes I ever spent an evening in had a dirt floor. Now just to be clear I have also experienced hospitality in large homes as well. I felt loved in homes of all types but that's the point. A perfect home is never counted in size or square footage and physical possessions must never take priority over the people who could be spending time there. And lastly number 10 we stress constantly about money instead of modeling peace through simplicity. According to surveys 72 percent of Americans report feeling stressed about money. Now I understand there are people with legitimate financial hardships but it is certainly not 72 percent of us. Something else is causing that stress and in most cases it's the endless desire for more. Often our financial anxiety doesn't stem from an inability to provide what we need for our families but rather from living and desiring a lifestyle of excess. We fall behind or we worry that we're not keeping up because we're comparing ourselves to others or we feel pressured by society's standards of success. So choosing a simpler more minimalist lifestyle can relieve much of that stress. Now some might ask can't I choose both people and stuff? Why does it have to be one or the other? It's a fair question but here's the truth. The more we fill our lives with unnecessary possessions the less room we have for more important pursuits. Every dollar, every hour, every bit of emotional energy spent pursuing and managing stuff is a resource that could have been used for relationships, generosity, kindness, compassion or investing in other people. When we choose to intentionally own less we remove distraction and we free ourselves to live aligned with our deepest values and that ultimately is the legacy we want to leave for our children.