HOW NARCISSIST INSTILL DISAPPROVING VOICES IN YOUR HEAD. #narcissist #narcissism

What's up my beautiful people? Welcome to my channel. This is your girl, Mommy So True. How you doing today? I'm so glad that you are here to listen to this story today. Oh, you guys, if you don't know already, I am thriving out of narcissistic abuse. I am a survivor. I am seriously a survivor. You guys, I am triggered to film this video today. Most of you who have already subscribed to my channel, who have already seen a lot of my videos and heard a lot of my story already, you kind of know a little bit about what's going on with me. But today is the first time that I am actually going to expose a lot more about me. You guys, I am going to start Lives on March 27th, which is a Monday night. I will be doing Monday night Lives for now until further notice, because as y'all know, I'm still working my professional career job. I am still a life coach and I have another job. I'm still at Chipotle, you guys, sometimes. And right now I'm doing community service. All of this because I am trying to rebuild, revamp, stay active and just thrive out of this crap that I got myself into because I married a narcissist. But you guys, so when I talk to people who reach out to me for life coaching sessions, I'm always very authentic, just like I am on my videos. I'm very honest and I'm very truthful. And when I'm given permission, I do share a lot more about my story to help others. One thing about me that I have exposed already on my channel is like so many of you, I am a real life scapegoat. I have been the scapegoat of my family since the beginning of time. You guys, the woman that you see in your videos, the woman that you guys see in my videos, the woman that you are getting to know. I haven't always 100% been this woman. I used to be very critical of myself, very doubtful of myself. And I used to feel like I could never be good enough. You guys, I'm triggered to talk about this today because a series of events have happened over the past couple of days in my life that has triggered a very, very deep, sensitive emotion for me. And it's tied to having a child. If you've seen my old videos about me talking about when a narcissist has a baby on you, or if you've heard me talk about my ex-spouse and the issue there with that craziness, you know a little bit about that. But today I'm going to go a little bit into detail about why the baby thing was so big for me and was so triggering and why I am 32 years old and I don't have children. And yeah, of course I'm young, but not really. I mean, come on, let's be real. A woman in their thirties, you start to wonder, dang, you know, where's the kids at? Where's the family at? Some women don't want kids. I'm not talking for everybody today, you guys. I am literally just sharing my story and my truth because the history of narcissism for me runs very, very deep. And this particular phase of my life that I'm about to tell you guys about that helped build this woman that you're seeing, that helped, you know, it helped me evolve, helped me grow and become this tremendous woman now. And now I can help others heal and I can talk about it without breaking completely down. And I can share it as a testimony. And for the first time in my life, I am ready to be open and completely honest about my truth behind childbearing, because there's so much more to it than what anyone really honestly knows. All right, you guys. So if you don't know, I am Ghanaian. I was born in Ghana, West Africa. Both of my parents are Ghanaian. My mother is a Ghanaian woman who migrated to the United States at a young age to start her family. I came to join her when I was about six years old. I moved from Ghana to the United States to live with my mother. Long story short, my parents divorced before I was probably, I think they divorced before I was 12 years old. I don't have all the math together right now because it's really irrelevant, but I just want to give you a picture of what's going on here in my world. Okay. When I got here, immediately, I started doing chores. Immediately, I started doing work. Immediately, my mother started to program me to toughen up, be more grown, you know, be more like a mother, step up my game. When I came here, I didn't know how to because back home in Ghana, living with my grandparents and other relatives, I didn't really do much because there was help around. Back home, there's usually a little bit more help for your children and stuff like that because there's people who are at home, not really working. It's a whole different lifestyle than here in the States. My mother had a good advantage on that. When I got to the United States, I was clueless to cleaning and cooking and all of that. It pissed her off. Immediately, I was thrown into this grow up mode, wake up, grow up, take control, be a big sister, learn how to get up in the morning and sweep and mop and cook food for the family. That started extremely early for me. I was programmed from a very young age how to be very motherly and wifey. I was trained to always feel that if I was not cleaning and cooking and taking care of the people around me, that I was not, there's nothing else good about me. I took that and I took it into adolescent age. By the time I was 15, all the bachelors in our neighborhood, in our African community, they were all requesting for me to come to their homes and cook and clean. I had a very loud and strong reputation in the community about what a good girl I was, how much of a cook and a cleaner I was. My mother loved that. If you know anything about narcissistic parents, you know that a narcissistic parent loves to look good on the outside. They love to let their family look like royalty on the outside. They want to paint this picture to everyone that their family is on top of their game. Their kids are smarter than everyone else's. Their kids look better and dress better than everyone else's. Their kids always have the hottest clothes on. It's always about the look, how we made them look, how we made her look. She was very big on looks. She was very big on presentation. I was trained that way. As time went on for me from the age of 15, I had to start figuring out how to balance being a 15-year-old and having the mind of a 25-year-old. I was trained to be this wifey girl and this motherly girl. Men were coming at me. A lot of these African men were intrigued by me, turned on by that, and they were coming at me. They were making passes. They were letting it known that they were interested. As lovely as it sounded to my mother, it confused me and it made me shut down emotionally because I was disgusted by all of that behavior. I went to college at 17. I started my freshman year. I had just about maybe three or four months before I turned 18. About a month before I turned 18, I met someone in college. I met a man who was African American. He was about five years older than me. I completely fell in love with this man because he showed me that I was in a world that was very cultish, very controlling. When he met me, he noticed how much I was willing to just give, give, give, give, give myself, give my money, give my body. I was willing to just lay there and let him have sex with me because by the time he got a hold of me, I was already trained sexually by a narcissist from my church who started touching me around that time because I was finally away from my family and I was in college and that person actually put me in college. This narcissist that I'm talking about was supposed to be a family friend, but everyone knew that he was interested in me. Everyone but my mother somehow knew that this man was interested in me. He was so interested that he somehow registered me in college, put me in the dorm that I was in, paid for everything, bought me my first car and used all of that to entrap me into believing that I was going to marry him or that I was supposed to marry him. Although he never made that announcement to my family. So eventually I realized when I met this guy in college, that was all wrong. I was like, my God, I am sleeping with a man of the church who is telling me I'm his wife yet I'm not married. I'm not engaged to him. I'm young as hell. This man is almost 30 something years old, got me completely blind to the fact that he's manipulating me. He started sleeping with me when I started college because I was no longer around my family and I was so blind to the abuse until I met this gentleman in college. He put me on game, y'all. I was so green. I was so naive. I was so sheltered and I was so used to normalizing toxic things. I was used to accepting molestation. By that time I was used to accepting everything that was bad. I was used to just believing that maybe I wasn't good enough for anything besides what I was getting. You guys, I met this man my freshman year in college and within 30 days I was pregnant. 30 days, I was pregnant and I was terrified because I was still under the control of my family at that time. I was under the control of this man who paid for me to go to college and I was afraid. I did not know what to do. What I did was I called someone else from the family church who I thought I could trust with the information. I knew that they would be upset because I was pregnant. I knew that they would be very pissed off because I was pregnant with someone that was not from my country. It wasn't so bad that I was pregnant. It was more so bad that I was pregnant with an African-American which was very untolerated in my household and in my community and in my culture. I called this other man and I told him that I was pregnant. I said, please don't tell my parents yet. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. At that time, I was working. I was taking care of myself pretty well. The guy who got me pregnant, he was on his feet. He was doing his thing too so I was not worried. I wanted him to be by my side when I made the announcement to my family. This man ran and told my family before I could even make the attempt to talk to them myself. Immediately, I felt the need to shut down. I felt the need to hide and just deal with it myself and at the same time reprogram my mind and understand that I was coming out of a world that was very unhealthy and very toxic for me. By the time I met this man in college, there was so much lack of trust within myself. There was so much lack of confidence within myself. There were so many disapproving voices in my head and my mind about myself. I was actually very unhappy with who I was. Actually, I didn't know who I was. All I knew was church at that time in my life. All I knew was going to church, listening to preachers, and then going home and being emotionally abused. That was my life then. The things that I know now about emotional abuse, I had no idea that that was my life. I had no idea how much I disapproved of my own self until much later on in my 20s. Back to the story, you guys. I got pregnant. My parents found out before I could tell them. I had to go and face my family at some point. I waited about four months into the pregnancy. About four and a half months pregnant, I made a trip two hours away to visit my mother, my stepfather, and my family and to face them about being pregnant. I wasn't even there for three days. The entire time I was there, my mother constantly reminded me how everyone who knew I was pregnant was very disappointed in me. The whole town was very disappointed in me. They all knew that I was going to have a better life than that. These were her words verbatim. We all knew that you were going to be the one to be successful in this town. We thought you were a good role model. We can't believe it happened. We're just praying for the best. I remember she said that. We're just praying for the best. It wasn't even three days. When I was there, I was so afraid to eat. For some reason, I did not want to eat in her house. I don't know why. I tried not to eat, but eventually, she kept asking me, what do you want to eat? What's your favorite? What do you want to eat right now? What are you craving? My mother love bombs me into cooking my favorite meal. She's an amazing cook and she knows I love her food. I don't even remember the meal. I don't want to remember the meal because I've blocked a lot of this out. It's the most painful phase of my life, honestly. I ate something and I suddenly became very ill. I don't know what was done to me, what was given to me, but I know it was not normal. All of a sudden, I had a fever. I told my mother my stomach was hurting real bad. I was cramping all of a sudden. I told her something was wrong. I said, I'm just going to drive myself to the emergency room because she told me, just go lay down. Maybe it's just normal. It's early signs of this and that and a third. Something just wasn't right for me. I drove myself to the emergency room. By the time I got there, my condition had gotten so worse. The doctor was trying to figure out what was wrong and they could not tell me what was wrong. Immediately, I knew something was off. They had no idea why I was having a child. I was going into labor all of a sudden. I started contracting and then my freaking water broke, you guys. At four and a half months pregnant, as I'm laying there in that hospital bed crying in pain for hours and hours and hours, waiting on the guy to drive from school two hours away to get to me, my water broke and I went into early term labor. While I was laying in the hospital, the man who is supposed to be the family friend who got me in college, my mother told him I was there and that I was pregnant. He showed up. Mind you guys, I ghosted him when I met this other guy in college. I realized that I was dealing with some crazy stuff and I ghosted this man. He fell into a narcissistic rage. He chased my sister who's three years younger than me. He went and did the same thing to her. He started taking her to his home and filming her. I'm not going to get into that today, but somehow my mother called him and told him I was pregnant and that I was losing my child. He showed up to the hospital to laugh in my face. He showed up to the hospital to tell me that that was what I get for choosing someone else over him and that I destroyed my destiny. He told me that God had shut my womb for the rest of my life. He told me that God would never allow me to have a child because of what I had done to him and because I refused to be with him. And I believed that those words that that man told me in that hospital room after I lost my child that day stuck with me for years. And then after him, my mother comes in the room and says, this is what we all pray for. Thank God for his mercy. Thank God for his goodness. We're so glad you didn't have this child. Then to top it all off, I later discovered that my mother threw away the photos that I took with my baby because I had to give birth. I actually had to push a baby out of me. I wasn't that far along, but the child was developed enough at that point for me to go into labor. I'm telling you guys, it was such a weird, crazy, strange, unexplainable experience. It couldn't have been normal. And the thing about being around narcissistic people is they can do evil things to you. These people will literally sacrifice a goat about your life. They will literally go to a witch doctor to destroy your future. They will attempt to anyway, because at the end of the day, what's for you is for you, right? But they still will try to destroy you. There was so much for me to learn about life to prepare me and get me ready to be mommy. So true. And that event there, that phase was the biggest moment. That was the start of it all for me because after that, I started to think about what was wrong with me. And that's what pushed me into therapy. I literally went into therapy probably maybe five years after that incident. But that incident built a very destructive thought that I carried with me for a very long time. I have been afraid to be a mother. I've been afraid to be pregnant. I avoided relationships. I avoided sex. I avoided anything that could get me pregnant for a very long time. I programmed my mind to believe that I would never be a mother. I programmed my mind to believe that I cannot have children because of what that man said to me. And I programmed my mind to believe that if I did have children, they would probably hate me like I, you know, like the relationship with my mother, it probably would be sour. So I'd be better off not bringing a child into this world. And now that I am in a recovery mode after dealing with narcissistic abuse, this is one of those things that is so triggering for me because I'm older now and I don't have those same thoughts anymore. I don't, I don't not want to have children or, you know, I'm not afraid to be a mother and all of that. I've done some tremendous healing and I've come so far in my journey that when I'm triggered about what my ex-spouse did to me and having a baby on me and and telling me out of his own mouth, he doesn't believe I can have kids. And that's why he had a child for us. And just recently this weekend, hearing someone bring up this new baby and all that. And I'm just like, God, you know, I, I, I, I have, I've had my share of self-doubt, but I'm done with that. I'm on a new path in my life where I am reprogramming my mind. I told you guys the other day, change the narrative, change the story. That's where I'm at. I can tell the story now as a story, as a testimony, but I'm not telling the story because it's where I'm at. I'm telling this story because a year or two from now, I will be sitting here with my child telling you guys, you guys remember when I used to tell y'all, I didn't think I would have a child. I didn't think I was good enough to be a mother. I was programmed to feel that whatever I could not accomplish for my mother has made me an unworthy being. If I didn't marry the type of man, she wanted me to marry. I'm not good enough. If I, if I couldn't live the type of wife, she wanted me to live. If I'm not living in the kind of house she wanted me to live in, I'm not good enough. I've gotten to the point in my life where I've said, I don't care what she thinks of me, what other people think of me. I am not here to live for you or anyone else. I started to really detach my mental from what is expected of me from other people. And that included my mother. I had to really ghost and go no contact with my own family to free my mind. It has been hard to be out here alone. It has been hard to be out here getting it by myself, but there is no way I could ever look my child in the face and make them feel unworthy for making a mistake. And what's even worse is as a narcissistic parent, a year later, her best friend's child had a baby and she was my age. And guess what they did? They celebrated her. They celebrated her and that girl has a baby. And I had to live watching my mother celebrate. Other girls have children, but belittled me for getting pregnant while I was in school, working hard and taking care of myself. It was a challenging time for me as a young woman coming out of that. But I thank God because God has always been in control of the situation because there was a reason for me to go to college. Going to college opened my eyes to life and to the world. I met people who showed me that's not love. That's not, that's not real love. That's not a real church. That's not, that don't got nothing to do with God. And I had to pay attention. At first I was offended with them. I used to be mad at the people for telling me, nah, you're no, you don't know what you're saying. I had to wake up. Dealing with a narcissistic parent caused me years and years of having a high general sense of insecurity and living a life of high anxiety on what people think of me and how they looked at me or perceived me. Therapists taught me that a daughter who does not receive validation from her mother has no significance in the world. I spent a lot of my years feeling empty, trying to figure out where I belong in the world because I was trying to please a narcissistic parent. And it took for me to get with my narcissistic spouse for me to see how the love and validation I was seeking from my parent, I was still seeking that from a love partner. That's why I ended up dealing with a narcissist, putting, putting up with the narcissist behavior until it was too late. I had to really, really, really share this video with y'all because none of us are perfect. We are all going through something, but this something, this abuse has a very, very tremendous meaning in our life overall. It took me all this time and all these years to get to this point in my life to make sense of that particular event of my life. It took for me to get to this. It took for me to get in this situation with my ex-narcissistic spouse and for the whole baby thing to come up for me to really reflect on my life as a woman and the things that I want in my life and what I'm doing to keep and set myself back. And all I was doing this whole entire time was I still had some type of a limiting belief about my own body, about my own reproduction. I still have been carrying some type of disapproving voice that has been affecting me and has affected me, but I am no longer doing that because I've taken my life back and I am taking what belongs to me, y'all. I am determined to recover it all. I am determined to recover it all. I am taking back everything that the devil stole from me. I am at a point in my life where I have controlled my thoughts. I am becoming more positive in my thinking and I am throwing away the negative thoughts because I have changed the narrative, you guys. For so long, I believed that I am valued for what I do and not for who I am. And because that was my belief and my way of thinking, life has been a challenge. Narcissistic abuse will put disapproving voices in your head that may never go away if you don't snatch them up and throw them away somewhere. As crazy as it sounds, you literally have to take control of your mind and your entire life dealing with narcissistic abuse because the abuse programs you to feel like you are not good enough and you'll never be good enough. And I'm here to tell you that that is a whole lie. It's a whole lie. I ain't never been so confident in my life, you guys. I'm just so happy for my healing journey. I'm so happy to be right here in this moment because 10 years ago, I couldn't say the things that I'm saying. 10 years ago, I was nowhere near feeling this type of strength and I'm so happy about it. I'm so glad about the experience with this ex because you guys, when I tell you, it has shooken me to get rid of those thoughts for once and for all. Man, I couldn't make it up. I couldn't make it up. A narcissist literally comes into your life to shake you and wake you up and make you stop thinking those thoughts. You better get it together. You doubting yourself, you better get it together. You better recognize that there is nothing to doubt. You're good enough just the way that you are. And if there's something that needs to be worked on, work on it and improve and be better and elevate. But doubting yourself and feeling like you're not good enough and you need somebody else to validate you and approve you and all of that, man, no, that is what the devil wants. That's why so many of us are afraid to move on after narcissistic abuse. We're afraid to come out the house, go outside, do things. No, that's letting the devil win. I am no longer interested in giving the devil props. I'm taking my life back. I am taking my life back and I'm praying that those of you out there, you are doing the same. You're taking your life back and you are standing on it. Do not let narcissistic abuse keep you down. Do not let narcissistic abuse make you feel like you're unworthy, make you feel like you're stuck, make you feel like you would never be good enough for anything or anybody because it's a lie. You guys, let's keep thriving because I'm not going to stop. I'm sharing these stories with you and it's just telling me how much I'm healing because I'm telling you. A few years ago, I couldn't share this story. A few years ago, I couldn't even tell you the first part of it without crying and breaking all the way down and letting those emotions sit on me for days and weeks. I can now talk about it and keep going. I can now talk about it and smile at the end because I know that it's just a testimony. I know that it's just part of my making. Thank you guys for listening to my story today. Make sure you share your thoughts with me in those comments, like the video, share the content and subscribe if you are new here. You guys, this is your girl, Mommy So True. I'm going to leave you for now, but I'll be back with another video. Take care, y'all.