Helping women take their power back this Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Welcome to What's Good Detroit where we talk about all the good happening in and around our city from the inspiring people to cool places and unique events for you to check out. It is October, which means it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This is something that we know a lot of women are dealing with, struggling with, and here to talk more about how they deal with it, we do have therapist Christy Monahan joining us now. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. So you obviously counsel many women going through many situations, but you've also had the experience of speaking with those and helping those dealing with breast cancer. Yes. Unfortunately, it is a very sad diagnosis and for women, it is a really hard thing. So I've had patients who have reached out after the diagnosis or they've been my patients and then receive the diagnosis. So, yes, it's a really tough thing to have to endure. What's the difference that you see from someone you've already been working with and they receive that diagnosis? What do you see from that perspective? I think one of the things is that they are prepared emotionally to handle whatever comes at them. When people have done the work, when they are emotionally stable, they can handle things that are difficult and learn to use the tools that they've already learned in order to deal with the diagnosis when they're coming into it i like to say they're on fire they've already received the diagnosis they don't have the skill set of how to deal with it so we have to teach them to do it in the middle of being on fire with all the other things they have to go through during a diagnosis wow and what are some of those things that you teach in general when it comes to you know whether it's a diagnosis or something in life just dealing with and accepting that and handling that in the most the best way possible so we like to use a concept called radical acceptance which is um uh comes from uh dialectical behavioral therapy dbt and that is acknowledging that this thing that i have right it's accepting it but not putting emotional energy into disputing it and denying it because there's no reason to keep putting energy into something that we already know has happened. I like to tell people we have an emotional battery on our chest like we do our phone. And we have to be very conscientious about doling out that energy. It's not limitless, right? So we have to, sorry, it's not limitless. So we have to be able to decide what we're going to give that energy to and determining that I don't I have this diagnosis. I don't like it. I don't want to have it. But then owning it and then now what can I use my energy for treating myself, taking care of myself, following up with doctors, all of those things is the important part. So it sounds like it's some sort of a paradigm shift. It is that of dwelling on it and focusing on the negative. Instead, you're taking a more positive approach or a positive outlook to better uplift your spirits and your mental, it sounds like. Yes, absolutely. And accepting it isn't giving into it. It's not denying it. It's just saying, this is what it is. I am going to use my energy to not deny it, but to better myself. So that could be anything, taking care of my health or a mindset, a divorce, a relationship that has soured, anything to focus on the positive aspect of it. and what you can do in the moment. The long-term is not something we want to look at right now. It's dealing with the thing in the moment because it gives us a little more control. Whereas long-term, a bit more challenging because you think so far out and we know how overthinking can be and how badly that can affect you. So I think that's interesting. Focus on the now, the short-term, what you can control kind of helps with making sure that you're not dwelling and going down the rabbit hole of the what if and the negative. Talk about how just living in the moment, how you kind of encourage them to live in the moment. Yes, I think that's a really important piece of it is that exactly what you said, the rabbit hole. It's too easy to go down the rabbit hole and say, what if, what if, what if? But again, we're expending energy that we don't necessarily have because we're not feeling our best and we have to focus on treatment and taking care of ourselves. So if we can focus on the now, what can I do today? We saw this really, really significantly during COVID. We can't think about the down the road. That's not my job. And I think whether we're talking about a political environment or health care or whatever it is, what can I deal with in the moment that I have control of? And that's going to the doctor. That's feeding myself healthy food. That's going and sitting out in the sunshine. It's talking to the people around me, making sure that my circle's tight. All of the things that you have control of that we can take care of. How easy or difficult is it for the women that you work with to accept the radical acceptance approach? Does it take some time? It does take some time because I think as women, we really want to fix all the pieces and you can't fix this one, right? This is not something that you can control or wish away or put up in the box to deal with later. It has to be dealt with right now. And in doing that, we have to put other things on the back burner, our children, in our relationships our home and so completely devoting time and energy to ourselves is not something we're really good at because we take care of everyone else we as women are caregivers so taking the time to focus on yourself and put all your attention and wellness for you is a really hard concept but they get there you have to remind them every week that what are you doing for you what are you doing for you that's good and when you introduce new concepts like this to your clients i know there's no one person fits all it may vary but in your professional opinion about how long does it take for something new like this to stick to where it becomes you know second nature versus they have to wait for those check-ins with you to be reminded let me focus on the good let me do something for myself how how long does it take for them to kind of develop that habit on their own once you introduce and teach them something new like this. Long. One of the concepts in therapy is we meet people where they are. And usually women are not there at all. I like to tell my patients that I wish I got paid a dollar for every time I repeated myself versus a session because I'd be a millionaire. Oh, man. But it does take a long time. And it's remember, we're unwinding tape that we've heard over and over and over. Women are nice. We take care of everyone else so it is very difficult for women to put themselves first and but I think repetition is the key reminding themselves and having someone that they trust to say no I'll you have to do this for you or a partner that says sit down I'll take care of it and little by little we get there but it does take us a long time to get those new concepts as long as you're trying as long as you're trying that's right we measure things by baby steps yes what's a good way to remind yourself Is it writing it down? Maybe the sticky notes, maybe making sure you take time to practice something so many times a day. Yes. I'm a huge journal person. I really encourage all my patients to journal. The statistics have shown that if we write something down, it sticks in our brain. That's why taking notes in class and school has always been a best practice. So journaling and telling yourself over and over and meditation, like you have to tell yourself the same message over and over. I'm healthy. I'm good. I'm strong. I can do this. And then we believe it. We reframe that record in our brain that has told us that we're not good enough or, you know, we need to do more for others or I can't take care of myself now. Yes, you just replace those thought processes with something more positive. I love that you mentioned meditation for people who they've heard of it, not quite sure how to go about it. Walk us through how you can use that to encourage yourself, especially if you're dealing with a difficult diagnosis like breast cancer, cancer of any sort, illness of any sort? How do you use meditation to uplift yourself and stay encouraged? Meditation is a really important practice. And they have found so many statistics that show the positive effects of it doing day to day. First of all, think of how often we sit for 15 or 20 minutes in a quiet space with no phone or no distractions. It rarely happens. And so taking the time to meditate and just think positive thoughts. One of the things I hear from patients when I suggest it is I can't ever get there. It's called a practice for a reason. It takes a while. One of the things that I really like are guided meditations because you can find them all over YouTube for free. There's a person with a good voice or some music maybe that helps you dig a little deeper to get down and quiet that busy brain so that you have that time to think. It brings down your blood pressure, your heart rate, all these important things that are very good for stress relief. It's a great, great practice. So what are some things that people should be saying or tackling during the meditations, depending on what they're dealing with? How do they start? How do they know what to say during these meditations? It can be anything positive from I feel good about myself. I'm strong. I can take care of myself. I'm good at this. my health is important. I'm going to put myself first. Anything you think of. I like to say it's like talking to a three-year-old. We have to get back to the basics and tell ourselves the really important things because we don't do it often enough. Ask any woman. They'll tell you what went wrong today, but they rarely focus on what they did well today. And so that's the important part. Today I took care of myself. Today I love myself. Today I care about me. These are really important things. We should be doing them all the time, not just when we get a terrible chronic diagnosis. Yes. And you mentioned that you've worked with patients who you've been seeing for a while and they get that diagnosis while under your care and then new patients who come to you from having the diagnosis. The new patients that you see, typically what's their reasoning for seeking your help? I think they're just feeling overwhelmed. They don't know where to go. They feel selfish taking the time and the care for themselves. And so I think grief is another piece of it right we're grieving who we were before this diagnosis you're never going to be the same person again even if the outcome comes out wonderfully the experience itself changes you so understanding that who you were before is not who you're going to be after this even after all the treatment so embracing the new you and this person that maybe now is taking more time for herself and making herself a priority hopefully you're not going to have the energy to do the things that you maybe did before and accepting that that's okay. Again, back to radical acceptance. I am who I am right now and I'm okay with that. Yeah. And why is it important for women, people, period, to take back that power? We are overworked. We are so stressed right now. The statistics of the stress in women in particular is extremely overwhelming. We have too much on our plate. So in order to take something off of our plate, we want to bring something else in. And what we're bringing in is time for ourself. We're little hamsters on a wheel and it's not good for anybody. So taking care of ourself has to be a priority. I like to say there's no such thing as selfish. It's self-care. If I'm looking out for me, that's not selfish. It's making sure I'm a priority. We're our own best advocates. Love that so much. Christy, tell people where they can find you, keep up with you if they want to follow you or seek your help. So I have a website, christymonahan.com, and Facebook, Living Loud Coaching. You're welcome to follow me there. We do all kinds of things. I have a women's group this Thursday night that's free for women. It's virtual if you want to join. And we have a retreat on November 7th for empowering women, and it's called Rooted in Rising. It's a wonderful opportunity to gather with women, make some connections, and learn something about yourself. All right. Be sure to check all that out, especially the retreat. uh definitely going to be a great time Christy thanks so much for joining us we appreciate it thank you so much for having me