Girlfriend Is Choosing Government Funding Over Marrying Me

Xander shops all the top-term insurance companies to save you money. Get started at Xander.com. I'm not exactly sure how to build a life with my woman, my girlfriend, I guess. We have an eight-year-old. Oh, okay. We've been together for over 10 years. Oh, okay. Yeah, and so the hurdle that keeps coming up is that she was a widow in her 20s, um and her son um she had a son and he's 21 now um but she had survivor's benefits when he was a teenager or growing up as he was a kid and through his teenage years and then um now she doesn't so she would receive her um her um deceased husband's um social security right and she becomes of age and i guess that's a pretty large number because he made you know a sizable like a lot of money every year um so so not so i don't understand how to plan all of this if like she doesn't want to get married until she's 60 years old because she doesn't want to risk that benefit going away what it's basically how it is she's choosing some social security over i mean how much could it possibly be has she told you the amount $3,600 to $4,000 a month. Stop it. Yeah, I mean... Listen, if she said $400,000 a month, I'd be like, Andrew, you may not be worth that. I don't know. But $4,000? Does she work? I get it. Does she work? She does work now. Yeah, she works. And what does she earn? She earns like $43,000 a year after taxes. What do you earn? I earn $150,000 after taxes. So wait a second. we can go and Andrew can put a ring on it and she can you guys combined can be making 193,000 a year and she's foregoing that life for survivors benefits that we don't really know but maybe they're around 35 to 4,000 bucks or y'all combine finances and she's getting both and she's like i just don't want to get married because i get to live off this 150 now so what's the point i don't know if it's some kind of trauma from when she was a single widow mom and she got the she didn't know about survivor's benefits until her um a relative who was a police officer mentioned hey you can receive survivor's benefits i mean 28 years old you got a baby so she looked into it and she got a check every single month up until he was 16 years old i think you're right in that time yeah uh she you know she got it in her in her mind that i'm not going to do this until i'm this age and then we got together i mean we're but i'm having a really hard time planning no you can't plan that she has some debt i want we want to buy property um but how am i gonna i don't think you can Andrew this is a i think you're exactly right i think this is tied to something traumatic i mean obviously she was widowed so young and then she was left in a really tough situation with this child and who knows there might even be something that goes further back i don't know how she grew up how money was but there's clearly because this doesn't makes sense it's safety for her yeah and it feels like i'm gonna be okay regardless of what happens for this four thousand dollars a month stay at home parents here's a blind spot that could wreck your family's future thinking only the spouse who earns the paycheck needs life insurance what stay-at-home parents do at home would be incredibly expensive to replace in fact it's priceless that's why both of you need term life insurance from Zander Zander shops top-rated companies for coverage that fits your budget and it costs less than you'd think with term life insurance your family's still protected no matter whose name is on the paycheck go to zander.com or click the link in the description i also feel like there's um you know this sense of impermanence you know that that happened and now the like planning future things like she gets hesitant about planning saving you know she it's just it's so uh impermanent i guess she probably And you've been like this for five years, right? We've been together 10 years. 10 years, okay. So why now? I'm just curious what now is happening inside of you that's like, golly, this is getting hard. Is it because you're getting your finances in order and you're realizing, gosh, I have a life with this woman, but it's so hard to do anything. I have a hard time communicating with her now because of just how it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you've been in a cycle and in a pattern for 10 years. so breaking that marriage or not in a relationship is tough um so i mean i really i would see if she'd be open to sitting down with someone and you both talk through this because if you're not a great communicator in the sense of like you you're not able to find the words that you're wanting to say and say you know to have a third party kind of walk through some of this and and honestly a professional probably be able to pinpoint a couple of things because my goal would be for her to heal right on an emotional standpoint so that something like this um isn't seen as a barrier yeah but you're able to move forward with your life i want that for her it's almost like she's still holding on to this part um and yeah i would she would if you suggested that if you said you want to know I I just think that there's some healing still to be done and I love you and I want this for you and I feel like it's starting to hold us back a little bit how would she react to that? Oh, I think that she'd be open to it. I mean, she's been doing therapy. Uh, she's done EMDR. We're actually in a couple's, we're in a couple's therapy right now. Very good. You know, just to strengthen our relationship, but it's hard to bring it up. Uh, and you know, I'm the numbers guy. She's a little more free spirited. So when I start coming at her with, you know, like I don't even see her bank account. I don't even see her statements. I don't ask. Um, I don't know exactly where money goes, but, um, you know, it seems to not last very long, but I don't, I don't know exactly where it goes. So I can't say on her end, but, um, it's hard to talk about, you know, when it comes and then I'm walking around, you know, we're posing as a married couple, you know, I call her my wife, but technically, you know, like as far as, you know, under God we're together. Um, but I feel like I'm not walking under his umbrella because we're not married, you know, like we're, you know, and then we're not going to get married for another like 15 years on my end, you know, she's 48. So I guess it'd be 12 years, but that's a lot of time to not plan together. Andrew, have you guys brought up money, the subject of money with your therapist? No, I have not. The last conversation about money was with, um, there was like financial people with her school system. So she invited me into that conversation for us to like plan together. And I just got real Ramsey on them and they didn't like it. Okay. So she's probably like, Andrew, it's all in this crazy, this crazy program. No, well, well, here's the thing, Andrew, and I know you know this, but just to reiterate that money represents more in all of this than just the money, right? So when we talk about people combining finances, yes. Is there a tactical, when you're married, is there a tactical benefit to it? Absolutely. You're functioning out of one account. But it's all about what money represents. And there's a level of unity there that is not there because she's holding out for this thing over here that's money related. And over here, she's not letting you in. You don't know how to communicate well with it. And so there's almost this value system that's been broken down in your relationship and my prayer would be that you guys you know once maybe she she sees it and she's like oh my gosh i i want all of me with this guy because we have a kid together right at this point and we want to start building this life it's not the fact that like oh gosh you can't combine money and you can't buy property together like all that is very true but it's it's underneath what it's representing she's holding a part of her away from you so it's almost like you fully don't get all of her and so that's what i would work for we work with the therapist with um because it's a this is a tough subject for people and so if you have that third party in the room i would use that to my benefit for sure because you guys have created a life together so she's almost living in this illusion too i mean it's happening yeah it's happening their whole life is having to generate around her pain and her trauma Xander is the best place to find term life insurance to protect your family. 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