Trump Comments on Nicki Minaj’s “Beautiful Ass," Obama Roasts Trump & Midterm Shenanigans

We are back to work after a week of doing nothing. We are now seven days away from the midterm elections, which used to be boring. It used to be the election you maybe skipped to save up for the next one in two years. But this one, we don't know what might happen. There are shenanigans afoot this time around. Trump, as you may know, filed a lawsuit against the state of California to interfere with our vote counting here as if he has any chance of winning. He's ordered the Department of Justice to file a suit that would block certification of the Senate race in Alaska in the event that the Republican candidate doesn't win. It would go like this. If the Democrat, Mary Peltola, wins in Alaska, the election was rigged and the result would be overturned. But if the Republican wins, never mind. All's good. Remember when the Russians were the ones trying to interfere with our elections? The issue in Alaska has to do with the fact that there are two men named Dan Sullivan running. There's the current Republican Senator Dan S. Sullivan and an independent whose name is Daniel J. Sullivan. The Republicans' legal argument is that the people of Alaska are too stupid to know which Dan Sullivan is which, even though on the ballot, Dan S. Sullivan, who's been senator for More than 10 years is listed as the incumbent. People are totally confused. They shouldn't be confused when voting. At least let him use the name Senator Dan Sullivan as opposed to incumbent because a lot of people don't know what incumbent means. Whenever he says a lot of people, he means one people and that people is him. So meanwhile... Early voting in Alaska and in most states is already underway. Even the person who famously referred to early voting as stupid stuff and ridiculous voted early in Florida this weekend. There's America's Boris and Natasha, Donald and Melania. They cast their ballots in person on Saturday in West Palm Beach. Not only did he vote early, he also wrote himself one of those $5,000 checks for voting. And look at the First Lady actually smiling for a change, thinking about all the Democrats she just voted for, praying for the sweet release that impeachment will bring. So while Trump was out voting, he stopped to give the fake news media an update on that war he said was over on day one eight months ago. They've knocked out every jet fighter in Iran. They've knocked out every ship, 259 ships, all at the bottom of the sea. They've knocked out all of the, actually some of the things that my uncle invented, the radar. My uncle invented radar. Can you believe it? No, I cannot. The better question, the real question is... Do you believe it? Because I looked it up, and guess what? It isn't true. Radar was invented by a Scottish scientist in 1935. Maybe your uncle invented radar, and you were confused? He's so full of it, the lies don't even register anymore. They just go right by. But the good news is, people seem to finally be figuring some of this out. The number one issue for Americans going into this election, even more than the cost of gas and food, is corruption. Government corruption. Mr. President, polls also show that government corruption is shot to the top of voter concerns this election. Yeah, well, because the Democrats are very corrupt. We are straight and we are solid. But you ought to look at the real corruption. It's Democrat corruption, and that includes Jeffrey Epstein, all Democrats involved. Hmm, interesting. If only there were some way to prove that. Maybe some kind of files that could be released. Technically, Trump was a Democrat back when he was palling around with his BF Jeffs, so. That is true. And then he moved on to his dubious claim that he has single-handedly transformed Washington into the safest place on earth. Washington, D.C., as you all know, is now one of the safest communities in the whole country. And when I went down there two years ago, it was hell. But we were losing two, three people every single week to death. He's right. Losing people is hard enough, but losing them to death, it's the worst, you know? I lost my grandmother to death, but go on. They'd come in from other parts, from Oregon, they'd come in, their son, their daughter, to see the Washington Monument, to see the Lincoln Memorial, and they'd go home dead. And do you have any idea how hard it is to get through the airport dead? It's real. I mean... Let's be serious for a minute. Trump has failed on every count. He has kept none of his promises. Not only has he made a mess of this country, he's made a mess of the whole world. And so what do you do when your presidency crashes and burns and may very well take Congress down along with it? You make a phone call to the totally stable Nicki Minaj. By the way, I looked at one hell of a beautiful ass before, Nicki Minaj. That's hard to miss. That's stand-up. That's hard to miss. I really, honestly, I'm grossing myself out even doing it. Horny Donald is my least favorite Donald of all of them. Stand up, Nicky. Let's get a look at that beautiful badonkadonk on you. Listen, if anyone knows an ass that is difficult to miss, I mean, this is an ass that you could really have a meal on. This is Donald J. Lopez for us. Can you imagine what would happen if Joe Biden said that? How would Fox News handle Joe Biden saying, Nicki Minaj had a beautiful ass? Steve Doocy would have to eat the Bible on camera. You know, after Katie Zachariah had the audacity to get fired while we were off on vacation, some people floated the idea that Nicki Minaj might make a good White House press secretary because that's the Trump guarantee. However bad things are, he will find a way to make them weirder and worse. We're not going to give up because we want our children to grow up in a place where we can be proud of. We don't want our children to be bombarded with sex changes, right? That's right, we don't want that. These kids, you know, they go to school, and Nikki, they come home a Nick. It's an epidemic. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go get another cantaloupe implanted in my butt. So far on the campaign trail this month, Trump has been joined by Mike Tyson, Jake Paul, and Kid Rock. But I think Nicki Minaj may have been his favorite. I mean, look at King Henry the 8th taking her in. Thank you. Like he's looking at the all-you-can-eat meat plate at Fogo de Chão. But I will admit, for the first time in a very long time, the president was funny during his visit to Michigan. He's the toughest when it comes to tariffs and trade wars on that well-known evil empire, Canada. Canada, Canada, it's your neighbor. It's a few minutes' drive over the bridge. These are the people who gave us Martin Short. And maple syrup. Wait. Wait, hold on. Different president. I was confused. That was President Obama stumping in Detroit for Abdul El-Sayed and roasting Trump like a suckling pig. I noticed, but he is very focused on home renovation. He should be on HGTV. Do you believe me? Guy is building a ballroom that is bigger than the White House. Paved over the Rose Garden. Paved it over. Put a helicopter pad on the sidewalk. And then there is just gold everywhere. What's up with the gold? I mean, he's got the White House looking like Saddam Hussein opened a cheesecake factory. That's all. There's just gold everywhere. So then Fox News, of course, jumped on that. They called Obama an out-of-touch elitist for making fun of the Cheesecake Factory. Right. But the guy building the 90,000-square-foot ballroom, man of the people, absolute salt of the earth. Fortunately, our current president does have a great sense of humor. He loves a good laugh at his own expense. Rumpel Thinskkin took Obama's joke just about as well as you might expect. The White House to President Obama. It's a symbol of America. It has to be clean. The columns can't be broken. The bricks can't be falling off from under the plaster. And for you to say it's a Cheesecake Factory, that just shows why you were a lousy president, right? I think there's only one way to settle this. Roast battle on the White House lawn. Lie. Buy Jeff Ross and make this happen tomorrow. Trump right now is desperate. He needs this. He sees the blue wave coming at his orange head. Last month, he offered everyone $5,000 if the Republicans win. That got very little traction. So today, he wrote, anybody reporting voter fraud in the past elections or the upcoming 2026 midterm election will be paid a million dollars upon the arrest and conviction of those that created the fraud. A million dollars. Meanwhile, the only person any of us have ever seen Commit voter fraud is him. I want that million dollars. President Trump, I am placing you under citizen's arrest. Yes. Isn't putting a million dollar bounty on every head a pretty good argument against this fairy tale he keeps telling us about voter fraud? He posted yesterday, he said there could easily be over a million illegal voters in California alone. He's going to pay out a million dollars for each one of them. That's a trillion dollars. That's a whole Elon. And this is only one state. The fact of the matter is the number of people committing voter fraud is almost zero. And you know why? Because you don't get anything out of it. You rob a bank, you get a bag of cash. You You know what you get for voter fraud? A sticker. You get a sticker that was free in the first place. Everything about this idea is bad. It encourages people to falsely accuse neighbors. It reeks of desperation. And it's almost certainly a promise he will not keep. The only thing good about it is it would be a very funny way for Mike Pence to make a quick million dollars. And then... We have our Secretary of Testosterone, Pete Hegseth, who will undoubtedly be one of the first to go if Republicans lose bigly next week. This guy is focused on all the right things always. According to the Washington Post, Hegseth wanted an antique globe for his office, specifically a globe that had been used by Eisenhower during World War II. So his staff got the globe out of storage and broke it. They literally broke the world. According to the story, trained curators typically move historical artifacts, but Hegseth's staff hired a different team and they broke it. That's what they do. If Trump ran a China shop, he'd staff it with bulls. Maybe Pete thought it was one of those globes you could put a whiskey bottle inside and what a dumb with a B time to be alive we are in. You know, hey, you know how Trump floated that idea of renaming an ocean after himself? Well, he actually got the head of Google on the phone to discuss it. At a rally last week, he said he called the CEO of Google, Sundar Pichai, to ask whether the company could change the name on Google Maps to his. Could you imagine getting a call from the president asking, do you name the ocean after me? That's how insane this country has become. Our president called the head of Google and asked to have the Atlantic Ocean named after him. And I didn't even mention this until almost the end of the monologue. It wasn't even the lead story. I'm sorry. According to Trump. Pichai politely rejected his request. He explained that the Atlantic touches too many other countries, and Trump would know that if Pete Hegseth hadn't broken his globe. But while it's important to remember that Donald Trump doesn't have the authority to change names of places, don't think it'll stop him from trying. Hello, everyone. This is your favorite president, Donald J. Trump, here with this week's new names. First, I am officially renaming New Mexico, and this is long overdue. Screw Mexico. Suck it, muchachos. Windmills will now be called lose-mills because they're losers. So I take the win and replace it with lose and nobody knows that wind has a D in it. Chicken will be renamed White Steak. Congratulations, America, you can afford steak again. Natalie will be renamed New Melania. And I am officially renaming Martin Luther King's memorial The Donald J. Trump Had a Bigger Crowd Than Martin Luther King Memorial. And finally, I am renaming both Don Jr. and Eric Unknown Caller. Thank you for your attention to this matter, and God bless the United States of me. Hey, we got a fun show tonight. Tony Brent is here. We have music all week from Foo Fighters, and we'll be right back with Dave Grohl. So stick around.