Growing Up Without Dad: The Effects You Don't Notice until Adulthood| Father's Day Special

Are there times you had to lie about your dad in school, cover up, or just if when other kids asked you about your dad and before you even became compassionate, like before you got to where you are, what would you tell other girls in school, Amma? No, for me, I'd always just say that he left. Oh, okay. Yes, I was very clear. But then now it would come with, but look what I can do. Look at all the things that I still can do and have done, even if. It was coming from a point of having to prove that even if he left, look at how awesome my life is. You know, I still get the good grades. I still, you know, things like that. But yes, what was the motivation? So the motivation was not from a good place. It was from anger, from a lot of anger. But some things are also, I mean. What do we do? Yeah. What do you do? You know? Yeah, like, it's not like you had control over... Yeah, you don't have control over decisions of, you know, grown-ups. The situation is what the situation is. You make the best out of it. Yeah. And you're on the other side of it. Welcome everyone to another exciting episode. I am so grateful for you guys. Like I am so so grateful. Right now we are at 152,000. Thank you so much for always tuning in, for always watching, for always engaging with me, for always sharing on TikTok, for always referring your friends to come and get some important information that you see here on Sele. Thank you so much. Give yourself. Good job. Thank you so much. And today we are having a special episode for our fathers. By the way, our fathers, we love you so much. Thank you for being amazing dads to our lives. Thank you for the huge role that you play in the society. We might not say it oftenly, but thank you so much. We love you, our dads, and asanteni sana sana. I have a lady guest on set. So, Ms. Nulize, why are we having a lady? For Father's Day. Don't ask me what it is. No, no, no, no. Guys, relax. Relax. Her name is Maisara. Karibu sana, Maisara. Thank you. Thank you so much for also reaching out. You're most welcome. I really, really appreciate the work that you do. It's extremely impactful. So thank you for inviting me. I might have taken long, but finally. It's okay. God's time. Yeah, everything in God's time. Yeah, so maybe Maisara, you can introduce yourself. Sure. And Maisara has... I'm sure at the end of this episode, guys, you'll be like, thank you so much, Maisara. So, Maisara, please introduce yourself then. You can, yeah. Sure. Hello, everyone. My name is Maisara. I am a creative. I am extremely passionate. About building strong families, yeah, because strong families build strong communities and who is in the family. Those families are different. You know, some have the mom, the dad, the children, some it's a grandparent, some it's aunts and uncles. But how do we build strong families to build strong foundations for our children? So, yeah, that's mainly me. And you've written a book. Yes, I have. Fatherhood. I did. A Daughter's Perspective. A Daughter's Perspective. So maybe you can just take us back on how growing up, how was it for you? How was it for my Sarah? How was the relationship between you and your dad? Okay. So that, yeah. Yeah. So, unfortunately, we didn't have quite, you know. together relationship yeah um life happens you know parents do the best they can with the tools that they have as an adult you can understand that now um however as a child it's not easy to understand that yeah and then of course now it's a bit different because we have a lot of single like solo parent households but when i was growing up It was not very common. How was it? Like, I would love you to paint a picture. A picture. Yeah. Okay. So for us, especially, because now we're talking 30 plus years ago, it was quite difficult because like even with schools, sometimes they would be like, you can't come to this school because you don't, you're not coming from like a two parent home. Or, for example, I've had situations where people did not expect me to either finish university or do well for myself in life because... I came from a solo parent household so I think society had a lot of pressure on me and I also now put a lot of pressure on myself so I became overachiever, over performer you know because you're having to prove so I think you live your life really wanting to prove that you're as good as everyone else. Was there a time where you were from a family that had both parents before it came to us so yes yes how was that yes like how was that time like you would wake up daddy will do this mommy will do this I do remember because like my parents separated when I was about four and a half five so I have very few memories but some of them like the ones I really remember are like maybe there was a family trip we went to the coast all of us together like Like with all cousins and things like that. So there are pockets, but not really. Because I think I was also very young. So I don't really have strong foundational memories, I would say. Yes, yes, yeah. So the memories that you have mostly, most of the memories are between you now and your... Yes, and my sister, yes. Oh, your sister. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, okay, okay. So when you were writing this book, A Daughter's Perspective, what is your perspective like now, Maisara? Okay. So for me, it was like, yes, we usually have, see, you know, from the father, talking about how it is to be a dad, how it is, you know, how their life changed. But then do you realize what that looks like from the other side, you know, for your children? Because children actually, because sometimes you say, like even psychologists say, that you cannot love all your children the same, yeah? We say we love them the same, but see, different children have different needs. Different seasons in your life, you show up differently for those children, yeah? So for us, it's like, yeah, the dad could say, yeah, yeah, I know my children very well, but how do you, as a child, how do you... um experience your parent and now especially this actually came also because now I'm a parent so the question is how does my child experience me because I can think I'm doing a good job but how does my child experience me that's when you grow up and then now there's situations where you say oh your parents you had this issue and then the parents are like but we never knew that you know like what's happening so it's like how do you experience your uh parents so for me Especially now because I'm a mom of a daughter. Now seeing what were the gaps because of me not having like a present conscious father, like biological father. Yes, of course, with community, you have like father figures who come in. But there are some fundamental things that only your birth father can give you that if you miss out on them, you actually spend your life trying to catch up. And then when you compare yourself to ladies, now we're growing, we're grown adults, who have actually grown up with very strong father figures, like actual dads, you find their trajectory of life is very different. Whether it's with corporate life, whether it's with marriage, whether it's with raising children, whatever it is, there's a very clear difference between The girls who grew up with very present dads versus the ones who did not, and these actually subconscious, if you're not conscious of them, you find yourself in cycles, because we're all of us like millennials, but you find some people are in constant cycles, and you're wondering why, whether it's work, whether it's relationships, but the cycle keeps continuing until you actually come and realize here is actually a father wound that you need to actually address. Because there were some fundamental things your dad was supposed to give you. But because of his own experience of life, whatever he was going through, was unable to give that. So whether it was either him not being there physically or emotionally, because there are those who, yes, we grew up in a house with our dad physically, but there wasn't that emotional connection. And for me, with my interaction with ladies my age, I've realized we have the same issues. The ones who their dads were not physically there and the ones who the dads weren't emotionally available. This, the, yeah, it's very common. The thread is very common. There's a common thread between us. Yeah. Can you, well, if you, if you're okay, can you at least mention a few common things you've noticed with these ladies that you feel, I think it's because of this, that's why. Okay. So like one of the things I would say is trust. Because they usually say a girl's first love is her dad. So what happens when the first love of your life disappoints you? Shows you that they can't be trusted. So you grow up not trusting people. So it's one of two things. Either you become very aggressive. So you find some ladies who are extremely aggressive, extremely, I would say they are more in their masculine energy. So because we all have masculine and feminine energy, it's about, is it positive? Is it negative? So they're more in their negative masculine energy. So they're very aggressive. Yes, they're, you know, the go-getters, the what, that's okay. There's a certain level. But there's a certain interaction you realize that this one, there's something else that is underlying here. It's not just the assertiveness, it's actually aggressiveness. And then there's issues of trust. Like you don't trust people, you don't trust men. And then unfortunately, just because of maybe now their own mothers experienced something, their grandmothers experienced something. So we're talking about generations of men who have hurt them. So they high walls so even in your interactions you realize they're very surface level in that way Then now there's also that aspect of guidance because dads are the ones who It said that mothers help you navigate your internal world Dads help you navigate the external world. So even with guidance, you find that there are some ladies who will never ask for advice. They'll never ask for help because they do not trust that someone else could give them that advice. They have learned to be, I can't depend on anybody. I have to depend on myself. It's all me. I'll never ask for help. You know, things like that. Then there are those who are on the opposite, who are completely, extremely fragile. So anyone who comes in, because they're latching on, looking for someone to keep them safe, because for us, emotional safety is extremely important. So anyone who breadcrumbs you, you latch on to that. And then now there's a situation you latch on to somebody else, you know, things like that. Breadcrumbs meaning? Breadcrumbing is, you know, too small. Yeah. Anything small, you latch. Your whole heart is there. And you realize, you know, you can actually get the whole loaf. But because you're so used to bread crumbs and then there's like a small cut trail and he knows he'll just do for you. Yeah. So things like that. And it actually transitions, not just in relationships, like love relationships. It will be even in your work. You find like ladies who even at work, they may not necessarily, Because father's help. Girls and daughters develop the sense of self-worth and self-esteem and confidence for the outside world. So even at work, you find maybe they're not wanting to. Ask for that promotion or really go for, you know, what they really, they don't want to dream big because dads are the ones who like tell you anything is possible. You want to, you know, reach for the skies, all of that, you know, because moms, yeah, we want to keep you safe, but dads now are supposed to expand your horizons. So if you did not have that, you live in a comfort zone. So you find you don't want to overextend yourself. You just want to be in your comfort zone. So it actually takes a lot of whether it's, you know. A lot of inner child healing work and all of this in order to realize that. This is actually not coming from a good place. You know, it's coming from a wound. So are you feeding the wound? Are you trying to heal the wound? And then once you identify, because you can't heal something you don't acknowledge. And a lot of us, we want to show we're strong, you know? So we're not going to acknowledge, hey, we want to just be strong. Society has said you have to be strong. Of course, there's that societal pressure. You have to prove also to the dad who left you or who wasn't there that, you know, I did this without you. But that makes you very hard. And as women, we're not supposed to be hard, you know, which is, it's difficult because you're supposed to be soft in a hard world. So how do you find that balance? Yeah. So I'd love to, and maybe if you're not okay, it's okay. You can just say it. But so how, how has your, how has it affected like your relationship side? Because there's what you've mentioned. Breadcrumbs. I don't know why. It's okay. It's okay. Well, you can have the entire bread. I love that side. So has it affected you somehow, like your fatherhood journey? Yes. In your dating life? Yes. Now that you have, and you've said you have a daughter. Yes, yes, yes. I would say it has helped me, because for me from the very beginning, I had always said, I, because of my experience, I want my, if I'm to have children, this wasn't before I would want them to have a different experience. Yeah. And so I was very, very intentional, but I thought I was very intentional. Is it different? Oh, you thought you were intentional. Okay. I get it. I thought I was, I mean, I went into it very intentionally, but I mean, life has happened And for me now is seeing. Because at the end of the day, yes, you're two people in a relationship. But everyone has come in with their things. If you are not going to deal with your things, if one of you is not going to deal with your things, the situation will not work. You know, 100%. And so for me, and even I wrote in the book, that some relationships don't have to last forever, you know. Because at the end of the day, like maybe a long time ago, we would say we stay in the relationship for the children. But a lot of times, sometimes it's better to leave the relationship because of the children. How old is your daughter? She's seven. Yes. Um, and so for me, it's what positives I was looking for a positive role model because I know I didn't grow up with that, you know, but the situation is what it is. I'd rather not talk about that right now. But, um, yeah. So for me, how did it affect my dating life is that I went into relationships very. Wide-eyed, you know, because for me, I was like, okay, I know what I missed. So I know what I'm looking for, you know, that if this relationship is to continue, what is it? What am I looking for, for the future? Should I have children? How would that, you know, be for them? How different would it be for them? Yeah. You weren't looking out for what you lacked, like basically. Yes. Like, how would I say it? I was going into it. What I lacked or what I wished I had. Okay, what you wished you had. Yes, what I wished I had. So would that person bring those things to the table for future children when they came? Yes. I love that you've said now, I don't know whether it's in your book, but now the things you wish you had. Versus what you had. Is there a comparison somewhere in the book? Yes. So I actually compare between, because I call them, in the book, I call them abandoned daughters and nurtured daughters. So abandoned daughters refers to daughters who were left either physically or emotionally by their father. And then nurtured daughters are daughters who grew up with present conscious fathers who are there, not just. Physically, you are there, fully there, fully present. Yes. And how those two girls, even their thought process is very different, you know, because abandoned daughters suffer from the fear of rejection and abandonment. So everything we do comes from there, you know, so we'll be perfectionists because we don't want to be rejected or abandoned. We'll overachieve, we'll overperform so that everything has to be very, very, we plan. We're fantastic at everything we do. So with all wounds that I have from my emotional wellness that I do now, you learn that with every wound comes a blessing. So you never look at things in the negative only. You see what blessing did this situation bring for you. So like with the father one, because of that over-performance, over-achieving, perfectionism, we're very good at whatever we decide to do. We're extremely good. It's just what is the underlying motivation? Is it coming from a place of altruism? Or is it coming from a place of fear of rejection, fear of abandonment? So it's something like we have to learn rejection resilience. I didn't even know that. Put yourself in spaces where you will be rejected in order to build that muscle. Because it's dads actually who help build that muscle. Where you fall down, get up. You do this, try again. Don't give up. Things like that. So it's something that we actually have to. And as of the one with the dad, like the fully intentional, that one, you don't bother whether you're going to be perfect. We don't, they don't care. They will just do it because they know whatever happens. First of all, my dad's got me, you know, and because he has built that in her, that what are you afraid of? There's nothing, what's the worst that can happen? So they're very daring. They'll go and have big dreams. They're the ones who will start businesses very early because their dads are supporting them. You know, they're the ones who will take big risks. Whether it's investments, you know, they'll not calculate, they'll just go for it because they've learned that from their dad, you know, relationships, you bring the loaf plus two loaves or you go, it's not breadcrumbs, they're not doing here breadcrumbs or slices. No, you know, they're very clear, like even with boundaries, they won't take, you know, like there'll be situations where something will happen and you'll be like, okay, it's okay, something will happen, okay, it's okay, there it's a very clear boundary, you pass here. The story is finished. If I'm not finishing it with you, my dad will come and you will be finished. Yeah. Things like that. So there's a certain confidence that they have that can't be taught, you know, it's just in them and they exude it like that. What's the other thing you've noted? I love the observations you've made between these two daughters. No, I can't. I can see a picture, yeah, I can see. And you can see the spaces. I'm actually filling up and putting, that one is Nani, that one is Nani. Yes. What is the other? So another, let me see, because I have like different chapters. And the book is available? The book is available. We're actually now reprinting. You can get it at Nuria. Ah, Nuria. Yeah. Okay. Um, So, for example, we've talked about protection. For example, because fathers and men, the masculine energy protects, provides, professes. Yeah. So profess is now your identity. Yeah, because like whether it's you in a relationship, but also your father gives you that identity, who are you, you know, and so a lot of girls, that's why now girls grew up with very present fathers, they are very clear of who I am. These are my boundaries. This is how it's going. If it's not going, please, there's the door, whether it's a relationship, whether it's work, whatever it is. But for girls who don't grow up with present fathers, they're still that's why they'll take the breadcrumbs because they're trying whether it's even it's at work. You know, someone is pushing your boundaries a little bit. It's okay. Yeah. Disappointment also. Because what happens with girls who don't grow up with dads, my sister says, disappointment becomes your comfort zone. So you don't want to have high expectations. You don't want to, because you sort of, unfortunately, because of the circumstances, you're always disappointed. Maybe someone promises you something, does not go through with it. So you learn to protect your heart. by not expecting and that's why it's easy for you to be breadcrumbed because you're already anticipating disappointment in order to protect your heart but in a way because you're anticipating it it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that it will happen you know and then also with regards to like protection that you don't allow people in you're very guarded. Because also dads, they have that sort of thing of teaching you whether it's physically, emotionally, how to guard yourself. But because we don't have that, we're guarded 100% or we have absolutely no guard. And that's why now anyone who comes in can treat us any which way. Mm, okay. Um, Yeah. I think now I'm getting a clear picture of the two. So on a day like today, Father's Day. Yes. How, how do you feel? Like, how is your... Are you the one who I'd love to know how do you feel on Father's Day? How do I feel? feelings towards your dad, feelings towards, do you feel like angry, bitter, bad? Now, I mean, it's been a long journey. It's been a long journey. I would say now, what are the feelings? Now I think I would say... I would argue those people who say, I wish my mom a happy Father's Day because she's 100%? No, 100%. 100%. Because if one parent is not there, the other has to step in and do both roles. But that's the reason why God created a dad and a mom. Because each person brings different things to the table. So if one is not there, the other will do their best to fill in that gap. But they're still... fundamental things that there is a gap, you know, and for me growing up in that situation, you never really want to show your mom how much that like a gap is because you know how much it would hurt your mother, you know, but for me, yes, we appreciate our moms. For me now, I would say I might be like on the other side of the healing journey. I mean, you until the wellness coach says until you die, you continue with healing. But I'm on the other side where I can actually feel compassion because now as an adult, as a parent, you're able to see that sometimes people just don't have the tools. So you actually now are coming from a point of compassion before maybe it was anger or, you know, like you were not there or this, this, this. But as you get older and you realize what life, that life can really be, and you're like, Actually, being a parent is very hard, you know, it's extremely hard. And then if you're two grown-ups trying to raise children, that's already something. But now if someone does not have the tools, you know, and where do we get the tools? You're not born with these tools, you have to intentionally go out to learn, you know. I do not. So for now, I'd say I am at a point of compassion that And unfortunately, maybe he may not be top of mind, which I think is sad because I think in a family, you would always want to be top of mind for your children. You know, like now I'm a parent. I'm like, they can be my son, my daughter. They'll not think about me like at all, you know. So it's sad. I think now I'm at a point of compassion and sadness, you know, because like you missed out on quite a lot. Yeah. Do you talk to him? Do you call him? Once in a while, once in a while, because also now being a parent, you can't project your things onto your children. So for me, it's can they have a relationship with him? Because it's not for me to deny them that. But see, it takes a lot of healing for you to be able to dissociate yourself and realize they will have their own relationship. Yours may never be what it is and they may end up having a beautiful relationship whereas you did not but you have to be in a space be like you know what they deserve it and it's okay you know yeah. Do you have any triggers especially especially a day like today? I'd say no because I think it just I would it was not it was not coming up I think it's just something because it's been like that for so long it would not like I don't feel. anything I don't know if that's a good thing I don't know if that's something yes you know I don't know if that's a good thing or it's a healing thing or it's a I don't know but it's just something that oh it's father's day for me for father's day I would it would be more like the first person I would think about is my grandfather because he was the one you know who was there so for me it's just that also now when you've asked like father's day do you think What do you think about, you know? Your dad in that way, not necessarily, which I think now is also sad, you know, you think of all the other people who now stepped in and now would celebrate Father's Day with them. I love that you said you overcompensated. So you are a high achiever in school. Are there times you had to lie about your dad in school cover up or just if when other kids asked you about your dad and before you even became compassionate, like before you You go to where you are. What would you tell other girls in school, Amma? No, for me, I'd always just say that he left. Oh, okay. Yes, I was very clear. But then now, it would come with, but look what I can do. Look at all the things that I still can do and have done, even if... He left, which was coming from a point of having to prove that even if he left, look at how awesome my life is, you know, I still get the good grades, I still, you know, things like that. But yes, what was the motivation? So the motivation was not from a, like a, you know, a good place. It was from anger, from, yeah, a lot of anger, you know, but some things are also, I mean. What do we do? Yeah. What do you do? You know? Yeah, like, it's not like you had control over... Yeah, you don't have control over decisions of, you know, grown-ups. The situation is what the situation is. You make the best out of it. Yeah. And we're on the other side of it. Have you tried to maybe sit with him, tell him how you felt, how it was? Yes, God has provided those opportunities. And at the end of the day, you realize someone will not see things the way you want them to see them. And that's what I said at the beginning. How do your children experience you? Because that is a question that now, like in my parenting journey. through the books I'm reading is a question you have to ask. So you also have to ask your children, how do they experience you? Because for you, as if it's like a top down, like, but I'm your dad, I'm the one, it can't work like that. This is what happened. This is how it affected me. These are, there will always be unintended consequences. Nobody hopes to be in this situation, but the situation has come. This is what has happened. These are the Consequences of this thing happening. I'm not saying things happened the way they happened, but can we all just understand and accept that this is how it affected me? And this is how it has affected my life. And, you know, so just even coming from that compassion, you know, sort of space. But then also you realize that you can only get there as a person. You can't force somebody else to reach there. So you realize, okay, if this relationship is going to continue, at what point do you, like, where are you reaching? You know, where are we? Where is, this is where I'm getting to here is where he's arriving at. And it's okay. You know, you can't force anybody to be more than there. You can't give more than you have the capacity to give. That's also something I had to learn. Yeah. So having been that girl who grew up without a dad, how did it feel at that time? Okay. It's, you feel left out. You feel sad, very sad. You feel confused. You feel angry. You feel actually that it was your fault. That's what I realized, you know. Because children do not have the capacity, and I also wrote that in my book, children don't have the capacity to understand that it was not their fault. You know, children, as adults, we'd be like, okay, it's not working, you know, it's not me, it's you, that whole situation. But children do not have a concept of past, future, they're in the present. So when this thing has happened, their entire world has shattered. That you know. But you're very confused. And then for a child, also, that was my experience, you feel it's your fault. So also that's what propels you to become an overachiever, overperformer, because you think maybe if I was better, dad would come back. Yes, or he would not have gone. Is there something wrong with me? And so for me, in my healing journey, I've also realized that's why you have to talk to our children a lot. You don't necessarily have to tell them the details, the ins and outs of what happened, but giving them that assurance that, you know, this has absolutely nothing to do with you. You know, grown up sometimes can be crazy and just is not working. But yeah, because as a child, there's a lot of. you know confusion frustration and then of course you're seeing everyone maybe is going to coming to school going to events but it's a school concert it's a school play everyone's come oh my dad my dad you don't really have that you know so there is that there's the longing also for you to have those sort of experiences and because you're a child and you don't really understand what What happened? And because you don't understand, because your parents are trying to keep you safe, you know, you don't need to know all that information. There's no reason a child should have that information. But there is just, there are lots, you feel lots of gaps, you know. And there is that, yeah, there's, you know, the anger, the loneliness, the sadness. And sometimes you feel, oh, maybe if my dad was here, maybe this would not have happened or things like that. Yeah. But now what I've realized now coming from that journey and now, like we say, we've come like full cycle and because the situation is what the situation is, yeah, we are, there may be. Moving forward, there will be situations that have happened. And I mean, sometimes it may not be that parents have split up. It could be maybe their father passed away. You know, there are many reasons for moms to be solo moms. Or parents to just be, yeah. Or it's their mom's decision to just have her children by herself. So for me, what I realized, because of those gaps that I felt and experienced, I've now created a space, because like I said, I'm really big on community and building strong families, is creating a space where we bring in father figures to fill in those gaps. You see, because for example, things about money, investment, you know, there are certain things that sometimes, mostly you learn like from your dads, unless maybe moms can do it, that's fine. But there are certain spaces where it's actually A masculine energy required in this space to give to daughters. So for me, that's what one of the things, it's actually called the refathering series. So how does it work? So for, I usually have them in three ways. So first I have like the roots and release because you cannot heal what you do not acknowledge. So there are certain events, workshops that I do, where it's us to now Come to the very beginning of our journey as girls. What are the things that we required that we did not receive? And how has that impacted us, you know? Then we have the refathering series, which is also now the same events, workshops, and things like that, where we have different things. I mean, it could be as simple as how to change a tire. You know, there's some things that girls just learn from their dad. Like my mom, until today, she loves washing her car. Why? Because that's what she used to do with her dad. She loves reading the newspaper. In 2026, well then, we have online newspaper. But you'll go to her newspaper, guys, and buy the newspaper because that's what she used to do with her dad. So there are certain things that you get from your dad. That because now the dads are not there, having spaces where now these father figures come in, it could be from small things with changing attire. How do you change your oil in your car? You know, yes, you could go to the petrol station, but there's some satisfaction that I know how to check my oil, my what, my nini. But things like that happen when there's a dad around, you know. So the refathering series does that. And then now whether it's about money and investments and, you know, all that sort of thing. And then now also in the space of, Um, now for adult women, like belonging before becoming, becoming before belonging, like you as a woman, before you get married as a lady, before you get married, what are the things you need to be aware of? Because your father wound will. Trigger or it will influence how you choose a partner, how you choose a spouse, you see. So if you're not aware of certain things, you find yourself in certain cycles, you know. So just different workshops, different events like that, such that that way we're addressing, yes, the father wound, but not from a point of judgment, a point of, like we said. People do the best they can with the tools they have. And because now we have better tools, let's use those tools. I mean, even in the workspace, corporate space as women, why are you not going for that promotion? Why have you put a glass ceiling? You know, why is the guy who's doing the same job as you, he's getting more, but you're the one who is doing most of the work, you know, things like that. So it actually comes from now that point of self. Self-esteem, you know, and if we address now the core issue, we're better able to now do these other things will just be just be very easy, you know, but having to do that inner deep work. That's what now I would like, because if we're able to have stronger families, stronger connection, we have a better community, you know, and the power of community, how people can come in. to support you know and there are so many like for us growing up we had so many um you know father figures who came at different spaces different things but the community is there so for us it's now to have those spaces where we can do that and come out of our space of i don't need help no one should come next to me you know because we're very guarded to be able to be like okay accept the help because the help is there yeah okay so you've written a book yes What is the, what would you like the reader or the audience, in case they happen to buy the book, which is available at Nuria Bookstore, what are you assuring the reader that they will take this from this book once they get the book? I think you're able, better able, you can, first of all, if you're a girl, you're able to see where you, where you lie, you know, and then you're able maybe to understand why certain things happen the way they happen. For fathers who have read this book, They have now had a renewed understanding of what their responsibility is to their daughters, you know? Because sometimes it's like, I'll be a dad. You just, you know, life is just like we continue. No, you know, you may find you just find yourself in this situation. But the minute that you now know you are a father of a daughter, of a son as well, because you see the sons become dads as well. So whatever they are lacking, I've also realized applies both ways. Because I've had men who've read it and said, I resonate with it as well. It's also to just understand what responsibility that you have. Because children are given to you as a gift. So you need to treat them like that. They are a gift. So we need to protect them and give them everything, all the tools that we can within our capacities. And it's our responsibility. If you don't have the tools, go and find the tools. You know, don't just be like, they're not trees. They don't just mayor, you know, things like that. So I think that would be the takeaway. Like you can identify where it is that you like. But also it can give you a renewed understanding so that you appreciate the role that you're in or the role now of the father of your children. And also because I've had like maybe some solo moms who have been like, I will buy it for now. They're, you know, not anymore, but the father of their children, their daughters, just for them to understand, like some behavior is unacceptable because this is how it's affecting our daughter, you know? Yeah. So you've mentioned a few highlights from your mom, like washing the car, buying a newspaper. Do you have any highlights, things that you do? You're like, oh, I know you said you were young, but do you have any? I wouldn't say it's like something that is repetitive. I think maybe just that memory of going to Mombasa as the entire family. But I can't say that there's something... It's that one trip to coast. Yes. So you do coast trips a lot. Here and there, yes, but not necessarily because of that. I think maybe I just love the beach, but it's not, and I think that's now why it's sad, you know, because I'm like, I don't think I'd want that for my children, that they're not able to, you know, have a memory. So that's why I say it's sad. It's sad, yeah. But I wouldn't say, do I have like something that. a highlight you know unfortunately sorry okay okay and maybe to clarify to our audience the reason we are talking about daughter dad it's because it's her story Mais Sarah and her dad it's not like we are using her story so i'm saying where is where it's Mais Sarah and her dad but thank you so much Mais Sarah if there's a girl right now who is uh going through it of course Of course, Ajaheel is still sad and angry. She's still confused. Why will dad leave us? And of course, even if she was told by her mom, as you've said, too much information for her might not make sense. But maybe if she happens to watch this, what would you tell that young girl? Probably in high school or something. What do you mean? And they have all these good memories of dad and then dad suddenly shoots. I would say, first of all, it's not your fault. First of all, it's not your fault. Like I said, our parents do the best they can with what they know. Also, actions have consequences, and you cannot be responsible for somebody else's actions. I'm so sorry that that has happened. I mean, do not wish it on your worst enemy, because it can really be a whole whirlwind, topsy-turvy life when that happens. But for me, it's to encourage you that let that experience, as hard as it is, let it not harden you. Let it not harden you because, and this is now coming from a place of maybe I was going to hard harden and now okay, okay, okay, getting back to being soft. But let it not harden you because as girls, I guess just generally as humans, we have a tenderness to us. That is what makes us ladies. That's what makes us feminine. We have a tenderness. We have a nurturing-ness. So may that experience Be able to, because like, you know, people say, like my mom says, everything happens for a reason. We may not understand the reason right now, but what you're going through right now might be someone saving grace down the road, you know? So take heart, you know, allow yourself to be loved because it's really hard. You know, you're like, I'm never allowing anyone to love me, but it's your mom, your water, and you're just guard for everything. But the problem is when you put your guard up. It does not choose who has access to you. You see, for example, if you harden your heart, that means you can't also express and appreciate full joy, you know, because now your heart is just hard. So that's why that as much as it's hard, I would say do therapy, go for lots of wellness retreats, because what I've realized, and actually this is actually now coming out as a... Harvard study, I think Harvard or one of those universities, that a lot of menstrual health issues in women actually are stemming from issues or emotional issues that they have had. And if you, whether it's PCOS, endometriosis, fibroids, things like that, there's some of them actually having roots in emotional distress that young girls are having. From the family, you know, set up and things like that. So just being aware that that is a path that can happen if. We decide now, you know, to be hard to, you know, hold in the emotions. I mean, if you need to go and climb the Ngong Hills and shout and scream and call everyone all sorts of names, if that's what to help you go and do that. But I think bottling up emotions is one thing that I would say, please don't do that. You know, do not bottle up your emotions. Find your safe space. Create your safe space. Find your safe people who you can repeat the story to 1000 times for it to, you know, Come out of your system. Do what you need to do in safe ways. But for you not to become hard. Don't harden yourself. Because you won't be able to experience the joy of life that will come after. Thank you so much, Maisara. You're welcome. And you're so soft-spoken. Really? Thank you. Thank you so much. Guys, I know it felt like it is a heavy topic. It is. Especially for someone going through it. Oh, it is heavy. It is heavy. I imagine there's someone out there today who feels like calling his father. Thank you. Take heart. Be kind to yourself. Find healthy ways. Like what my sister said, don't bottle it up. Find a place. Let it out. Yeah, but thank you so much. Thank you for having me. And thank you, Ben, for writing a book. Thank you. Yes. Like, using your story to educate and communicate and inform and teach parents how to. You know, it takes a lot. So thank you so much for the good work. Thank you as well. Follow us on social media. Then they'll find a lot, like a lot, a lot. Yeah, but thank you so much even for reaching out. You're most welcome. Thank you for the invitation. Thank you for the impactful work you're doing. Thank you. Thank you. Barakasana. Asante. Guys, in case you have any question or any comment, or you want to say, or even want to wish your dad a happy Father's Day, maybe it's just nice. I see it in the physical. Just tell us about your dad. Wish him a happy Father's Day in the comment section. And celebrate him. Nulia ka chai, ka soda. However you can, whichever way you want to celebrate him, please do. And enjoy your Father's Day today. Okay? Happy Father's Day to all dads, to all father figures, to everyone playing that role. Happy Father's Day and have a lovely, lovely week. Bye.