Being Vegan Ruined My Marriage | Kelsey Cook

I do think I made an actual good choice recently. I just quit being vegan after a year and a half of doing it Back in these meat streets. Oh, man. Does it feel good to have friends again? Yeah, no one wants you around My ex-husband and I we went vegan together on January 1st 2020 and Then two months later we were divorced Am I saying that veganism ruins marriages? Yeah. Yeah, I am But if we kept on eating nachos, we would have been too happy and too sleepy to notice our problems There's not a lot of divorce in the Midwest people think it's religion. It's cheese curds Cheese can do what God can't a Couple hasn't had sex in 20 years, but they eat a cheese curd and go, you know what? one more day I'll think about divorce tomorrow, but right now I'm gonna face **** this cheddar I'm gonna get lost in this plate So I just saw something online that burned my eyes. I just found out that I'm on wiki feet Does anybody here know what wiki feet is? Few of you nodding a lot of dudes that are like don't make eye contact with me If you don't know what wiki feet is it's a website for people with foot fetishes So women if you post a photo on Instagram that shows your little tootsies the foot folks might do a copy and paste Onto wiki feet and then zoom in on your toes and make their keyboard sticky. I Know it's like scrapbooking for men who need Jesus It's a nice hobby. I know that sounds like I'm king shaman. I'm really not trying to honestly I am so jealous that some people can get off from that. Like I wish I could just stare at a dude's hairy kneecap And get tingles in my basement. What a life. I Would live on wiki knees. Oh, I would get nothing done so much harder than that So somebody told me that there's this profile of me on wiki feet. And at first when I heard that I was like, oh Does that mean I have hot feet? I'm so flattered. Then I went and looked I saw that the foot fetish community has rated my feet only 2.3 out of 5 stars Which they call okay feet I was like, oh apparently I have Applebee's feet It's like you'll put it in your mouth, but you won't tell anybody about it And about two for Tuesday deal And a few months before the pandemic hit some dude slid into my DMS and just said two grand for foot vid Now Denver make some noise if you would send a video of your feet to a stranger for $2,000 Godless animals all of ya my ears Jesus, let me just throw your areola up on Facebook for a dollar Handsome uncle seeing it you don't give a ---- You're like Venmo me my dollar aunt Sherry. I earned this This is a solid net Well, I appreciate your honesty. I I wasn't quite as sure about it That's all you were I was like, I don't know this guy He's gonna have a video of my feet for the rest of his life. It's too weird. I'm not doing it but then kovat hit And I lost all my comedy work. So two days later. I wrote him back. I Got desperate so fast. I was like, all right, man two grand from the feet. I'm ready. Let's do it And he never responded. I Got ghosted by the foot guy Do you know how humiliating it feels to lower your morals and your values only to have a foot guy be like No, I'm good now It's like the smelly kid coming up to you at prom and you're like All right, fine one dance and he's like, I was just gonna ask you where the bathroom is. You're like, **** you Travis Out of here just trying to be nice I Love my mom so much. She's amazing, but she's been trying to give me career advice and none of its helpful, you know She doesn't understand that there are different levels of fame and comedy. She thinks that all comics are best friends She'll be like, why don't you call Jerry Seinfeld? And asked to do comedians and cars getting coffee. I'm like mom. I can't even get a guy to jerk off to my feet Let's lower expectations Like this is where my career is at I have a foosball web series on YouTube Okay, I'm like here when my mom heard that she goes, you know who I bet would love to do your YouTube show Ellen DeGeneres I was like, oh you bet huh? Well, let's put some money on it cuz I bet she ******* wouldn't If I win you have to let me back on your cell phone plan She's always trying to find ways to get me on television Like when she heard I was getting divorced She sent me a text that said now that you're single you can go on The Bachelor or Miss America It's like yeah, cuz marriage is what was holding me back from becoming Miss America Pretty sure part of the qualifications include hasn't been paid in jello shots to tell dick jokes So, I don't think I'm getting it Let's talk about the the foosball web series. So my entire family and I are actually world champion foosball players Thank you, I know it sounds made up I swear it's real my parents met playing in a professional foosball tournament in the 80s So I literally wouldn't exist if it weren't for foosball Which is sad But you know some of you wouldn't exist if it weren't for boxed wine, so it's like yeah, whatever We're all a little garbage Let's not judge each other It gets rid of not only is my dad a pro foosball player. He's also a slam poetry champion And an international yo-yo man Yeah, my dad has the sex appeal of a fanny pack Crushing it And my mom is in the foosball Hall of Fame and they've been training me to play since I was like two years old But since no one suspects that I'm a pro foosball player I love to hustle people right and so I usually play against other comedians on my web series But we did this special episode where I went undercover in Vegas, and I hustled drunk dudes on the Vegas Strip So I wore this low-cut top I talked in the worst voice and my camera crew and I would go up to groups of guys and I go hi My name is Kelsey and I have this web series where I do things that I've never done before for the first time It's called pop my cherry It's silly, you know, uh-huh, so I've never played foosball before and we just found this table and I was just wondering if you guys want to play me And every group of guys is like hell yeah, bitch, let's go