8 years after Thousand Oaks shooting, a father shares story of resilience

Well, this week will mark eight years since a shooting claimed the lives of 12 people in Thousand Oaks. It's when a gunman opened fire inside the Borderline Bar and Grill. And among those killed was 18-year-old Elena Housley from Napa. In the years since losing Elena, her parents, Eric and Hannah, have found ways to honor her life. And help others navigating unimaginable loss. They established Elena's Voice Foundation, dedicated to spreading hope and kindness through education, music, and mental health initiatives. And last year, her father, Eric, published a book called Always November, Lessons in Loss, Love, and Resilience. And I had the opportunity to read it. And it is a deeply personal story about grief, but also about finding strength, purpose, and even joy again. And Eric joins me now live in studio. Really appreciate you taking the time to be here. Before we talk about the book, I want you to share with the audience a little bit about your daughter, Elena. What was she like? Oh, gosh. I mean, you know, we all have our children. There's a personality, right? And I think we always knew there was this big heart in her all along. And she never went, she had the FOMO. She didn't want to miss out on anything. And we didn't, maybe it's one of those she knew that it was going to be cut short. But after we found a lot of people that came up and said, you know, she came up, I was feeling lonely and she just really embraced. And welcomed me with her friends. And so it was one of those ways to make us all feel together and not so isolated and alone. Yeah. As I mentioned, Saturday will mark eight years. Yeah. How has life sort of changed for you and how has your grief changed over these years? Oh, gosh. We went through something called post-traumatic growth that a lot of people are not familiar with, where we were immediately in acceptance of the reality. We chose not to know much about the shooting because that didn't really change. And actually, there's nothing in the book about the shooting. It's like, hey, we got a phone call and here's what happened after. So I think it's really understanding that the growth comes. This isn't promised for any of us. You know, we're all one day closer to our last day, whether that's tomorrow or, you know, 10 years from now, 20 years from now. And so we have to live each day and tell the people we love how much they mean to us and get through those things. So it's really made me embrace every day, be appreciative, and feel blessed in the time that I have with the people in my life. Tell me about the process of writing this book. Was this also a part of your healing process? You know, a lot of people ask me if it was cathartic or healing, and I say, you know, I didn't really see it as that, but in some ways I guess it was. Thank you. Funny part in the book was that my wife said, oh, do you want to go with me to a women history, fictional history book reading? And I said, do you want me to go or are you asking me to go with you? Because there's, I was like, there's a difference. So, but yeah, Holly Lynn Payne, also from the Bay Area, from Sausalito area. She's been amazing and she was a great support in it because I was trying to write a book. And it didn't really work, so she just said, just tell me stories because you're a storyteller. And so, and then she helped me kind of weave it all together. Yeah. I want to, I mean, there's many passages in here that really stuck with me, but there's one here in which you are at Elena's graveside, and you said, I realize the grief never leaves us. It simply changes shape. It lingers in unexpected moments, in conversations with friends over breakfast, in the quiet reflection of a visit to the past. The heart keeps score of its scars, but with each beat, we keep going. Yeah. I mean, that to me is one of the lasting messages of your book that we need to keep going. Yeah, we do. And somebody asked me just the other day in a different interview and they said, what's, you know, what is grief? You know, how would you describe it? And I said, it's just, it's love changed. You know, like I will love her till my last day. And I so appreciate the time that I had with her. Was it cut short? Do I wish it could be different? Absolutely. But that's not real. But right. I still will love her every day for the rest of my life. And I think it's understanding that those scars and those pieces in our life really do, really do change things for us. And talk with me about what you are doing now, because not only are you trying to inspire people through this book, but you also are giving yourself. When another community endures a tragedy like we saw in Thousand Oaks eight years ago. Yeah, I've recently reached out to, sadly, quite a few places in the area that had had some shootings. I mean, also Bend, but Fairfield and then Moss Landing. And I try to go out and advise and help from the standpoint to support, I guess, to complement, to help the process of the people in charge when they have to have tough conversations with the people that have lost. Because sometimes Someone doesn't want to speak to a therapist because they're working so hard to support, but I've found a lot of people that have lost children want to speak to another parent that's lost a child. They can relate. They can relate. And I can ask the same questions that you can ask, and they won't get upset with me. Sure. I can just say, how are you doing? And they go, oh gosh, you know. If you ask that question, they might go, how do you think I'm doing? Yeah, there's a level of respect. And even maybe admiration, right, that you've been through this and perhaps you can help me. The book really is great because, again, it also talks about resilience, right? And that we need to live our lives being resilient no matter what life throws at you. Yes, yeah, absolutely. It really did. You know, we were talking about it before we jumped on was my son just got back from doing four years in England, and we had to allow him that opportunity. And so this resilience, like our story. Our story is part of our story, and Elena will be, but it's knowing that we have to continue to move on. Nothing's promised in our days, and we have to live it to our best life and treat people with respect and help one another. And kindness. And I know that you also have an audio book that is coming out. Why did you want to reach that particular audience? Yes. Quite a few friends, and myself included. It's like, gosh, I'm so busy. I find myself, I pick up a book, I get partway through, and then I'm enjoying it, but I just can't find the time. I'm in the car, and I just turned on an audio book, and I had a couple of friends. One person, Mike, that's in the book on a whole story about him, his son was like, he doesn't read, like he won't read, and he goes, you need an audio book, and I was like, okay, that's what I'm going to do. Well, thank you for doing that. Thank you for putting pen to paper on this, and please just know that we're all thinking of you and your family, especially as this anniversary approaches on Saturday. Eric Hasley, thank you so much.