The near death experience of David Ditchfield

Well starting from being an infant I was in a good place I was happy But my life changed pretty much once I was sent to a state school as we call it a comprehensive school I'm dyslexic but they didn't diagnose me with it back then so I had a hard time with a lot of schoolwork And a lot of the teachers would write reports about me saying that I was lazy or inattentive Or they would say "David just has no interest in anything at all " which was completely untrue I really wanted to learn and discover things but because of my dyslexia my grades were very low And I left school with very few qualifications because of that So once I was out there I was trying to find my feet in the world I just didn't know what I was going to do I moved down to London because I thought that like all capital cities moving to London would be the land of hope and dreams And it's all going to come together for you And I had a great time there But I faced new struggles and that was surviving in London which was very expensive And the only work I was picking up was mainly manual labor working on construction sites And trying to learn how to do that I just didn't know I wasn't very good at that job So I just felt that I never really fit in anywhere and I was struggling to find my identity I also found that living in London there were many people I was mixing with who were already successful I'd made friends with people who were working in the music industry and they didn't seem like they were highly educated But they really do well for themselves And I thought well why not me Why can't I be doing this So I was constantly trying to break into those circles and hoping I might find a breakthrough but it never came With the UK the class structure is still very prominent and it really is And there was always that sense of you felt like you were working class Well I did I felt like I was working class and I was never really As much as they liked me and appreciated me and enjoyed my humor or whatever I was never going to be part of their group as it were And I had a huge identity crisis I guess And eventually I started running out of money I got to the point where I had only £10 left I remember And I got a letter through my door with an eviction notice saying that you're going to be evicted from your apartment So that was a very low point for me And I got a call from my sister saying why don't you come and see us for the weekend And I was thinking at that point I needed to go up and just be with the family and I ended up staying there for a few weeks actually But just before I went up there I met someone in London named Anna We had a really nice connection and she came and stayed for a few days But she needed to get back to London She had an appointment So I was seeing her off that day at the station So went down to the train station and the train pulled in and I helped her with her bags and gave her a hug and a kiss And we heard the emergency buzzers sound as the automatic doors began to close At that point the bottom corner of my coat which was like a sheepskin coat just got trapped right in there And it was slammed right in I just could not pull my coat free I looked around for a guard and thinking I might get help and there wasn't anybody there In fact there was only one other guy standing there who had been seeing half of his girlfriend And he just shouted at me take your coat off mate Take your coat off But I knew I couldn't do that because the quality of the sheepskin was such that it wouldn't have pulled free from the arms So I had no chance I just kept banging on the doors and then nothing happened The engines of that train started to rev up And I remember looking into the eyes of my friend Anna She was looking right through the glass And I just saw the sheer look of horror in her face And I thought this is it I'm going to die I didn't think I was going to make it through this So the train sped out of the station It's amazing how fast they pull out You don't really think about it But when you're attached to the outside of that train it really really goes But time stretched It didn't actually slow down but it stretched The UK Rail Police conducted a major investigation into all of this And I asked them how long did it take from the moment the train pulled out until I went under They said 13 and a half seconds And I said wow it felt like minutes It felt like it was a long long time But I lost my footing Then I was dragged along the platform edge And then I was pulled between the space of the platform edge and then underneath the train itself And I remember that moment It was just like I just heard this tremendous rip And I remember saying it's almost like the carriage disappeared into the sky And then I got sucked into this dark sort of pit And I was thrown around relentlessly like a rag doll I was just tossed around And I just felt like it was me flesh and bones against this huge mechanical beast It felt like being thrown into a washing machine at full spin But it was very violent and very painful And then suddenly I was thrown to the ground And I was laid in between the tracks as the train was still continuing on It was a very long train So I just kept my head down into the gravel Because I knew that it wasn't all over yet That part of the undercarriage could have come and hit me on the back of the head But that didn't happen And I was alive And there I was lying on the tracks In this dirty oily track And looking up at this beautiful blue sky It was a February day I remember just feeling a real connection with nature I don't know why but I did I think it was just the sheer joy that I'd survived And I do know ultimately at the end of the day There was something bigger at play that saved me from imminent death But as the train had moved on down the track I looked and the sheepskin coat was completely ripped to shreds And my arm was torn open right away And the first thing I noticed was that I could see all the insides of my arm And all the workings all the nerve endings and the muscles And I was in a lot of pain The pain was really intense It was the kind of pain I had never experienced in my life before And by that point I was losing a lot of blood But the paramedics arrived very quickly and they jumped down on the track And they started cutting through my clothes and keeping me talking and what have you And they somehow managed to get me off the track and onto a stretcher They wheeled me into the back of an ambulance And the siren started and we shot off down the highway like a rocket And then we arrived at Addenbrookes Hospital which is like a very large hospital in Cambridge And there was a whole team of medics there waiting And nurses and what have you waiting for me to come in So they wheeled me straight in and started working on me And I thought it wasn't over yet because I could hear fear in their voices I didn't know what they were talking about because it was all science of course And my family were there They came in and I remember my mother being in tears And there you go me feeling that sense of guilt I was saying Mom I'm sorry It's always me bringing all the drama to this family And she gently placed her hand over my mouth and said "No it's not your fault " I was worried about my friend Anna because she had to watch the whole thing happen And I wanted to know how she was And there she was sitting at the back of the room and looking disheveled So I said I need to speak to Anna So she came over and she was just shaking her head from side to side She said I thought you were dead They announced over the speakers that you were dead and I can't believe you're alive And it was pretty much at that point that I left my body I left all the trauma and the agony I was experiencing in the emergency department And I went from that to a beautiful darkened space But it wasn't a foreboding darkness It just felt very comforting I remember looking around and seeing these orbs of colors that were slowly pulsating around me They were almost like landing lights to an airport And I figured pretty much at this point that I hadn't made it I thought OK this is it I've died I didn't resist it I didn't try to come back I've read since that some people do They say no I've got too much to live for I've got my kids and everything And they try to resist But I didn't because I didn't want to die But what I'd just been through was just such a horrific ordeal That it was just great to be in this sense of calmness and just feel good And I kind of got my bearings I looked around to see where I was And I noticed I was no longer lying on a hospital trolley But I was lying on this huge rock It was like a large flat rock I describe it as being almost like a medieval altar And oddly enough it felt very comfortable to lie on this rock And I realized that I was no longer clothed So I was checking my body for injuries And everything was back in place My left arm was back in place There wasn't even a single scratch or bruise And I just remember thinking wow this is amazing Everything is back in place And I'm just covered in this blue sheet It was like the silky texture of a sheet made of satin And there was white light reflecting off this satin So I looked up and saw three grids of white light That were coming down over my head And I sort of laid back and put my head back And I looked into this light And the light was just so intense and bright That normally is the kind of light you wouldn't be able to look into with the human eye But in this sphere I was able to do that I was able to look In fact I couldn't take my gaze away because the intensity of this light was so pure And I felt like it was healing me as well I felt a sense that something good was coming from this light So I allowed myself to bathe in this beautiful light And it was about this time that I became aware of someone nearby So I lifted my head a bit and looked And there was a person standing just at my feet just to the right of me And with this white blonde hair and this skin that was like glowing light from within I felt like I'd known this person I thought I know you I actually spoke and I said who are you don't I I know who you are but I can't figure it out you know And this thing kept looking back This being I say a being because it was neither male nor female So a totally androgynous kind of look He or she just kept smiling back at me reassuringly as well And I felt safe and I felt like I was being guarded by this person So I decided to lay back and put my head back and just bask in this glory And after a while I felt the presence of someone else had arrived So again I lifted my head and there were two female figures on either side of me And they placed their hands on my body They were kind of like just slowly hovering their hands over my body I felt the energy that was coming from their hands was just really powerful It was like I felt love coming from their hands actually And it was causing a vibration that went throughout my body That was just sending this energy throughout And they were healing my body But not only my body and the physical wounds that I'd just been through But I felt like my soul was being healed as well I felt like all the years of baggage I'd been carrying with me which I talked about earlier All the feelings of guilt and shame and all those things were just being slowly peeled off one by one And they were just getting down to the pure essence of my soul and healing that So it was a wonderful feeling I'd never felt like that before in my life I'd never reached that point ever I'd never come anywhere close to it So I decided just to accept what was happening and let all this love keep coming through I started to think about my family I started to wonder how they were Because I knew they were really upset in the hospital emergency department So I thought I would try to see if I could visit them Because they're going to be really upset now Because clearly I would have passed on So I inched myself over this big rock And I was hoping to see them And I kind of looked over my left and looked down And I didn't actually see them at all But what I did see was this remarkable sight It was like I was looking into a huge waterfall of stars The size of say Niagara Falls It was incredibly large and incredibly awesome But instead of tons and tons of water spilling over the edge it was millions of stars that were just spilling over and sparkling And there were shooting stars falling through the middle And I just kind of looked down And the further I looked I found that my gaze was kind of opening up And I felt like I was looking into one galaxy Then into another Then into infinity I was looking into I was seeing colors I was seeing nebulas I was seeing all these beautiful images that I'd never seen before in my life And at this point I immediately realized I wasn't in a darkened space at all That I was in the universe itself And I was very much a part of that universe And I also felt very energized by it It was very exciting to feel that energy Yeah a lot of people do ask me that question And basically my answer to it is that it's ultra-real It's another dimension But it's as real as we're sitting here chatting to each other now It's as three -dimensional as that But everything's so ultra-real that it's stayed with me now I've never forgotten any of it The difference is that there's no sense of time Time doesn't exist There's no past and there's no future There's only the present The present moment And that is something that 's really great Because just to be in that present moment was fantastic Because I realized that I had spent all my years before that living in the past Worrying about all the mistakes I had made And worrying about all the opportunities that I'd missed And thinking about them all the time And worrying about the future Especially because I was down to that last ten pounds What was going to happen next in my life Whereas in this space it didn't matter Time did not exist So you're just really happy to be in the moment and in that presence Also the difference with dreams is that dreams are more chaotic And not only that With time the storyline tends to drift and alter If you've had a very strong dream and you've remembered it over the years it tends to fade or change Whereas with a near-death experience it remains exactly as clear to me now as it was Every time I recall the story it's very easy for me to revisit it Because it was just so real It was interesting because I remember lifting my head back up And the old me would have been thinking oh my goodness I can't see my family I would have been really distressed But I didn't feel that distressed It wasn't like I didn't care or I didn't love them There were no irrational feelings All I could feel was okay I will be seeing them at some point And if I don't they're going to be experiencing all this beauty that I am And they're going to love it So I laid my head back and I was still being continued to heal Then I felt this energy had suddenly been turned up I felt like this energy of love that was coming from their hands Suddenly it became ten times stronger And I decided to lift my head to see what was happening And what I saw was just behind the being at my feet It was a huge tunnel of white light that was getting closer and closer to me And it was surrounded by flames Flames were circling all around the edge of the huge tunnel of white light And again it was the same whiteness that was in these grids But it was much more powerful and much more intense And the energy coming from it was causing every single molecule of my body to vibrate with love and happiness I knew at this point that what I was looking at what I was staring at was the source of all creation To me this was God that I was looking at Not the image of God that I had always been used to seeing in Christian form for example The man with the beard on the ceiling of the Vatican in Rome This was like a huge tunnel of energy A huge tunnel of white light with these dramatic flames that were circling around I remember I just put my head back and I was laughing to myself Because this was the most profound moment of the whole experience And it was pretty much at that point that I came rushing straight back into my body I was back in the hospital The pain suddenly shot through my entire body I felt it from my feet up And the light was unbearable I couldn't look into it And the noise was like overkill in my ears It was like I wanted to turn the volume down So there I was back in my body I was still in the A&E department which is what we call it in the UK Which is like the emergency department When I had my near-death experience So they hadn't actually put me under anesthesia or anything like that So I was still basically busy trying to save my life I guess at that stage As I say they were very frantic And there was so much blood all over the floor I remember my sister saying afterwards She said were almost slipping over on it because there was so much And she said they were really desperately trying to save the amount of blood loss that was going on But all I know is I wasn't under heavy medication at that point Because I decided I wanted to write my story And I thought before I start writing my story in a book I want to get all my medical records And get somebody to look over them Because a friend of mine is a trained nurse And I said "Will you look through all these " "If I pay to get them from the hospital will you look through them all " Which he did And so at the time that I had my near-death experience I was not taking anything at all that would have been hallucinogenic let's say Or cause me to go into any form of dream state or anything like that And it's interesting because when I first came to Because they took me straight into the operating room After I'd had the near death experience And I remember coming round from the anaesthetic that night And I was in the hospital room on my own They'd given me my own room And I had two things I needed to deal with One was the aftereffect of going through that huge accident What had just happened to me I was in pain and couldn't move I had tubes coming out of me and everything But the other most important thing was that I just had this incredible experience that I knew nothing about I'd never heard of near-death experiences And so I was scared at that point that I was going to forget it I thought everyone had to know about this So it was very important from the start for me to tell people But I didn't actually talk to any of the surgeons or consultants Who were working on me in the hospital about my near-death experience I tried to broach it a couple of times But they're scientists And so they basically shut me down on the subject But I told my sister first Yeah she came to visit me And I'm very close to her So I figured she'd be the first to tell She was just totally fascinated by the whole story She said she'd seen a change in me anyhow And I said in what way Because she knew what I'd been going through in my life That I was drinking heavily at that point That I was going through hard times you know And then she said suddenly you're just kind of It's like you've been released from all that And she said you're just so peaceful And you're just giving out this lovely peaceful glow So she got it She understood that something had happened And she didn 't question it at all So once I told her It made it a lot easier to tell other people Because I wanted everyone to get it really It took me about a week to tell my parents They came in to visit And the reason was because they're both Christian And they were going to church And I kind of thought well It might jar with their faith and religion They might not get it And I wanted them to get it Because it was important to me for them to understand it And that was really incredible Because they both sat there And I told them the whole story of what had happened And they both sat there and listened And then my mother turned around straight afterwards And she said very calmly She put her hand on me And she said David we know And it was like a mother's instinct And I said how do you know I said that's remarkable She said David whenever we come in We walk into this room And you're surrounded by nurses You've got tubes coming out of you Wires everywhere You can't move But you're just glowing You've got this glowing light to you And not only that You're giving out all this care and love to everybody around you Whereas you're the one lying flat on this bed But you' re giving out energy to us your friends and to the nurses Then other friends would come to visit me from London From all different walks of life And a couple of the guys I've worked on the construction sites with And I told them I told everyone And everyone understood Nobody questioned it And thought it was a bit crazy or anything People were saying yeah well you just seem so animated At least one of my friends said so So it's interesting because also I remember feeling at that point That straight even though I was back on the earth plane And I was in that hospital bed I felt that the energy was still very powerful That I felt like I still had a connection with that other realm as it were And I felt like they were still sending energy to me They were still healing me But it is a different dimension So you've got to try your best to put words in there That can describe that dimension and that feeling Like when I talked about that feeling of unconditional love Going through my body It was hard for me at first to say it You know I remember telling people My whole body was vibrating And everyone was kind of going wow Yeah that sounds really strange But then I thought well no It was like it wasn't just my body that was vibrating It was just like every single molecule as I say was vibrating So there are times when it's hard to describe it But I do my best So that made it a lot easier for me to talk about it Because it felt like this was the new me There's no going back And a lot of people say to me Oh you must have been disappointed Because I didn't make the decision to come back They said oh you must have been It sounded great where you were And I said no I wasn't disappointed I was just filled with all this love and excitement And I thought what is my mission Why have they sent me back What am I supposed to be doing now And that's all I could think of when I was in the hospital recovering I've spoken to other people who've had near death experiences And it's the same for all of us And that is that you come back from this realm which is filled with love And you're given all this unconditional love The trouble is that it's very hard to move into society Into the world And be able to be like that And be accepted And accept that not everyone else is going to get it So I actually fell into depression Because I realized then that it was almost impossible for me to fit into the world With all this love that I wanted to give out So it wasn't all easy You don 't come back superhuman You come back and you're back into your human body And filled with emotions And not only that Obviously my mind and body had been through a massive experience And I was dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder So all those things were there But ultimately what had happened to me never left me And I knew that I was being helped to navigate through all this I guess And as I said earlier I was scared I was going to forget all this And I thought how am I going to I've got to document this somehow And I thought I was going to do a painting I'm going to do a huge painting Like the biblical scenes that Renaissance paintings depicted I wanted something as powerful as that Even though I'd never done anything like that in my life I thought that's what I was going to do Because that's how I could tell the world what had happened So I remember my sister came in on the very first night And she asked if there was anything she could bring me to the hospital when she came tomorrow I said yeah can you get me a small sketch pad and a pencil And she went okay She didn't know why And I remember the nurses kind of propped me up And I did this very faint sketch of the outline of what had happened That I intended to paint And I've still got that sketch And you can barely see it because I was so weak But there you go So when I got out of the hospital that's one of the first things that I decided I wanted to do I started this painting I got myself a huge canvas So there it was leaning against the wall And I was dying to get started on it But I was also scared that I wasn't going to be able to do this Because I've got no training in this And I didn't want to mess this up But a friend of my sister's came in to visit And she and her husband run a yoga and Pilates studio And they said "Look we've got some studio space available this week " Why don't you go paint there You have no excuse anymore So I said okay So I went in there And I stayed there for a week And by the end of that week of course I was nowhere near finished But what was happening was that this painting was coming alive you know It was just the colors that were going onto the canvas were immediately powerful And they were happening And I knew straight away that I was getting help to do this I was like what I call channeling help from somewhere else And it was just helping me to create this image of what I'd seen Yeah that's absolutely true I'd stopped all that Because I'd learned when I talked earlier about being in that near- death experience That I was in the moment And that they'd peeled all the layers off And it was just the pure essence of my soul And what I came back with was a feeling of love That I was loved It made me feel a bit of love for myself when I came back And once I got that self love then I found self worth And I stopped acting if you like I stopped aspiring to be something else or somebody else I just thought no I just allowed myself to be me for the first time in my life It started with those paintings Because when I started the paintings I became prolific And while I was up in that attic space in that small studio painting Many people who attended the yoga and pilates sessions got to know me I was called the artist in the attic And they used to come up and look at my paintings And I'd talk about what was going on there And so it helped me realize that my true voice was coming through for the first time in my life And that people wanted to hear about it And I thought well this works This is right And it' s interesting Once I' d found that authentic voice doors started to open for me I started meeting people who were coming up and seeing my paintings Who became very important people in my life For new things to come that made my life more livable But you don't have to have a dramatic accident like mine You don't have to have a near-death experience to find this self-love I realize now just how many people are doing what I was doing before That people are what I would call acting We have to act in order to be able to navigate through different societies And make our lives bearable and work for us and such I used to turn to myself and say How do you handle life How do people manage it How do they get these careers How do they achieve these breakthroughs How do they get the fantastic car and the house and all that Whereas I realize now that if you stop acting Your best will come through you We look at brilliant sportsmen or brilliant musicians For example let's take Okay let's take someone like Jimi Hendrix or Mary J Blige as performers They don't act Their performance is coming from another place It's coming from within It's authentically them And we'really drawn to that We love watching those people Because every time we watch them we go wow This guy's amazing He's the best guitarist because he's playing from the soul He's channeling I remember seeing an interview with the runner Usain Bolt And I remember he'd just broken the world record And they interviewed him straight afterwards And he stood there He's the fastest man in the world And they asked how he felt when he was running that race And he said he was relaxed I felt really relaxed And I thought there you go There's the answer That's it He's being authentic He's just kind of like relaxing And allowing himself to enjoy that race And then he won it And he's the fastest man in the world So I guess that's what I'm trying to say What I learned from the near-death experience To be in the moment And just try and stop And stop worrying about the future Stop worrying about the past And just allow yourself space If we look around us The moment we're in now is okay And accept it For example We've got two choices When we're driving our cars When we come up to a red light At a traffic light If we're going to a busy meeting And we can either sit there and get frustrated And go no It's a red light I'm going to be a minute late Two minutes late Or whatever Or we can accept it and go You know what It's two minutes So what It doesn't matter You know I may as well just enjoy this moment And appreciate what's going on Or just stop and be in the moment So that's what I try to encourage people to do Because we're all thinking I don't have time to meditate No I don't have time for that I'm too busy My life is too hectic You know But we all have time to stop And spiritual healing was great for me That's something I would recommend That's a great way of putting it Great starting point Because it's the nearest I come to being in that other realm You know When I'm sat there It's a very peaceful experience You normally have two healers working on you You feel the energy coming through their guides Or through my guides Through their hands And through my body And it's a magical experience And you just kind of feel like You feel in touch with yourself And you feel that it doesn't matter About that next meeting you've got Or all the cares and the worries And then suddenly you come away And you can make things happen for yourself And in fact When I was having those spiritual healing sessions I was being told by a few of them Because a few of them are mediums And they'd get a few messages through And they were saying I'm seeing a violin laid across your chest Or I'm hearing music Beethoven I said I don 't know Then one of them said You're going to write a piece of music About your experience I went Ah Great But I knew nothing about classical music And I've got no training in it whatsoever So that came from Going to spiritual healing I gained that message And I went home And I started writing On a very old cheap synthesizer that I've got And I started writing this music And this evolved into something Like the painting It became bigger than me And it started becoming I thought This could be performed by an orchestra So my authentic voice came through I just Because the first piece I'd written It was called The Divine Light And it was actually about my near-death experience And I allowed myself to keep working on it I had no ambition Like Wow This is going to be big I'm going to make lots of money I just let it evolve And One of the people who used to come up and see me paint was a cello player And she was in an orchestra And she came along And she said Look What are you up to these days And went for coffee And I said I'm writing this piece of music Based on my spiritual experience And she said Oh Great And I said It sounds like it should be played by an orchestra And she said Maybe we could do it one day And I thought Why not So They agreed to do it You know So again Synchronicity Because I wasn't pushing for it Those doors opened And those people came in Into my pathway Before I knew it It was being performed To a sell-out audience In a standing ovation And I remember the The conductor's baton Coming down Slowly And And the opening chords That I'd written on this little Cheap Spanish synthesizer Were now Coming through From a full orchestra And it was like This three dimensional sound Filled the room And it sounded Absolutely beautiful It was just As I'd heard it In my head And all that Because I let it Grow on its own I just let it develop And flower naturally And nurtured it I guess There's nothing wrong with ambition I'm not saying You shouldn't have ambition But It's just that Things will happen In a much more authentic And beautiful way If you just allow it Well To give an example My mother passed away Two years ago And I remember Her passing really well Because she had a heart attack And we took her Into the hospital And it wasn't It wasn't a major one But I remember spending that evening in the hospital talking to her and we both told each other How much we loved her And then I got a phone call The next morning From the hospital Of a very frantic- sounding doctor Saying You've got to come in now Your mother's had a massive heart attack I said okay I remember getting in the car And I put the key in the ignition And I had a 25-minute drive Or whatever To the same hospital And When I turned the key A beautiful piece of music Came on the radio By Mahler Gustav Mahler His fifth symphony Which I totally loved And I knew at that moment That my mother had passed Because I felt like My guides had Put that there To help me feel calm For that For that drive And when I did get to the hospital She had She had passed And then As a family We just said our goodbyes To her individually And when I said my goodbyes To her I remember I kissed her forehead And then I said Well mum You're just going to love it Where you're going now Or where you are now You' re going to love it Yeah And I And I knew she would So Obviously I was grieving Over the loss of The mother That had raised me And brought me through life But It helped me so much To know that That her soul Had just moved on Because Basically From my perspective You know The soul is far Too powerful An entity Just to suddenly die Yes the body Stops And it slowly fades And dies Whereas the soul Is just too strong And it just continues on On to that next realm And so It gives me faith To know that Not only for myself But yeah When others pass That they' re In safe hands And in The best possible place It's a great question Because The way I see it Is that yes That other realm It was beautiful And it was The pure essence of my soul And I felt at peace And I felt at one And when I did come back Of course All the challenges were still there As they say Within society But There has to be adversity Unfortunately Without adversity There's no new growth There's no getting around it I mean The only thing I will say is Because I advise I understand people who do right by me And they are Suffering from depression And having hard times And I take a lot of time To try and answer But What I do say Is that Before Any adversity that came into my life I would just try and Jump over it You know I would just Keep my life as linear as possible Which is crazy Because you're just trying to suppress something that's only going to come to the surface and get bigger Whereas now You know Any adversities that happen in my life I try to go straight into the moment and think Okay So An obstacle is ahead of me now There's some adversity That's about to happen But It hasn't happened yet If I stop And be in the moment And look around me It's okay I'm alright I'm still feeling alright I'm not Being grabbed by the throat And being throttled You know I'm okay So It 's just trying to Do that Just trying very hard Just to sort of Grab that moment Going back to that Incident About Talking about death About the anticipation Of death Is far worse Than the reality The same with life You know We anticipate the worst We always give A story What is going to happen next And we always And that story Is always going to be the worst Possible scenario So we don't Half the time It's not You know I feel like We're all part of the universe You know When I was in that realm I was I felt We are all part of that universe And the universe Ultimately It wants us to create and keep recreating It does with nature You know All the seasons change It's just creation That's just Evolving At all times The universe is moving forward All the times And so are we And Again Looking back on my life Before I had no faith Whatever There was only One point That I remember Praying And that was When I got the eviction letter Through the door And I opened my fridge door And all I got in the fridge was one bottle of beer And I thought shall I open it or not And I just At that point I just Put my hands together And I prayed And I was praying like Desperately But I didn't even I didn 't even know Who Or what I was praying to And And it's interesting Because Because my prayers Were so desperate It's almost like I wasn't Allowing any energy To come back I was holding one hand up At the same time Saying I' m not worthy I know it's all my fault But can you help me You know Whereas now I realize that from the near death experience itself that we are all loved you know that we've all got our own guides we've all got those Spirit guides They are around us Like I've got them up there And they're with us all the time In fact my guides have been with me throughout my whole life That's how I recognized it That first initial Androgynous being You know So we all have our guides And we' re all loved But Just to remember Also That If we ask for help We can just ask for it Very basically We don't need to Hold our hands together And ask out of desperation You know And also The most important thing Is not to Be feeling what I felt Don't feel Guilt Or shame Or like you' re not worthy Or you' re You 're a sinner That you've sinned You know Forget all that Because that's not what it's about You know Because In the other realm The God that I saw Is all about love Giving love To you And there's no judgment whatsoever Nobody's judged So just Let all that Sense of judgment go And all the Because we all We all do it We all go through life Judging ourselves Secretly We may not show it to others But we do But just Let all that go And just Allow the love to come in And when you When that love comes in Boy It makes such a difference You know You just Kind of Stop And you stop rushing around And you stop trying to Push Push doors open And And all that Love will start to Creep in And allow you to be your true self And when you see your true self It's a It's a great feeling It's the greatest love of all