Week in My Life Vlog LIVING ALONE + UNHINGED AF

Why am I locking the door? Nobody lives here. I can't not lock doors. I can't relax unless they're locked. Even if I just go into my bedroom for a moment I have to lock the door. Nobody lives here. Maybe that's why because if someone walked in then truly it would be a concern. Okay I gotta make this face cute. Oh double me. That's a lot of me. Can you handle it? I have this like super intense vein here. It's where all my power comes from. So I'm going to have dinner with my family and then shush. After dinner we are going to see a guy. A guy I've been seeing I guess or whatever. Dating something. It's all very nebulous obviously. Why could it be simple? My older sister is gonna come and meet him. We're just gonna have some drinks. I think both this guy and I. Let me speak on his behalf. Yeah I do think that we both like each other to whatever degree I can't speak for him. I don't know what he feels but I know he likes me to some degree. I should hope so otherwise I don't know what he's doing. But I think we're both kind of like what do we do from here? Like I'm coming out of a six-year relationship and I love hard honestly. I really do. I like really wrapped my life around this person and that's something I am trying to never do again. I want to maintain more of my own orbit and my own center of gravity in any future relationship and I don't think this guy wants a relationship. He seems confused. I am attracted to a man who's emotionally avoidant. It's just so hot. Why is it so hot to be emotionally inarticulate? I think we both just like each other and are like I like you a lot but I don't know if I can do a relationship. In a way for the first time maybe in the history of the universe we're actually on the same page about that. Yeah so I don't know what the deal is but I am excited for him to meet someone in my life. We have pretty much just hung out just us. I've never seen him in a social setting. By all intents and purposes I know this person pretty intimately except that I've never seen them in a society. Am I allowed to say his name? I don't know who I'm asking permission. It's really hot in here again. Whoa excuse me. Sorry rug. Makeup is confusing. I love blush. I feel like I often overdo it on the blush because I just get so excited and I'm talking about it because I feel insecure because you guys are watching me so be kind and if you guys are gonna don't ask me for my makeup because it's obviously drugstore brand. I don't know why I don't buy nicer makeup. I really should. Maybe because makeup always felt like such like a dirty dark like shameful secret to me because I wore it so long to just like cover up acne. You don't want to spend a ton of money on like your darkest deepest secret. You want to minimize it and just carry it in shame across your body. I'm nervous. Yes I am. I definitely do try and do more of a natural look now. I don't want people to think I'm wearing makeup. I want them to think that I'm freaking hot as heck. I'm gonna go like this. False. Should I clean my ears? He's a nice guy though. He's very kind. He is very respectful but not in like a gross way. Just like a literally respectful way. Like I do feel like he respects me. That's nice. That's nice of him. Oh he's like obsessed with YouTube. When we first started seeing each other I was just trying to be an anonymous person. Like I didn't want anyone to know anything about me. I just restarted my life and I just was feeling very protective of myself. Shut it. Shut it. I didn't want people to know my last name. I didn't want them to know what I did and I certainly didn't want them to know that I had hours of footage of my life's intimate details up on the internet on YouTube. I specifically did not tell anyone I dated my last name. They could not follow me on Instagram and I just changed my name from Angelica to Caroline. So you couldn't find anything about me because they didn't even have my first name let alone my last name. Then one day I was texting. He was asking me how my work day was going and I sent him like a screenshot of my work computer what I was working on and in the corner it said Angelica Winkler. I was like god damn it. I was trying so intentionally to hide everything about me and then he had my name. He had Angelica Winkler and then the next time I saw him he was like you know I've always really wanted to start a YouTube channel. I didn't say anything. I was just like oh yeah. Dope. Like I'm not gonna bring it up. Listen if you googled me and you found my YouTube channel you can say that. I'm not gonna help you say that. But if he sticks around maybe he'll be on here one day. He would freaking be over the moon. Are you kidding me? Okay I don't know how this is going. It feels really hard to do my makeup with a camera. Is it done? Is my face done? Can I stop now? And I think a part of me is scared to find out like how much I'm changing myself when I'm around him. If I am I'm gonna find that out by spending time with him and with my sister because I'm definitely myself with my sister. Wow I'm not doing a good job. Stop it. Just be good. Bitch let's speed it up. Am I running late? Yes. Sometimes I try and do these like Hollywood style old Hollywood style waves where I'll curl a little bit and then I'll go down and then I'll curl a little bit. Sometimes this works. Sometimes it looks like trash. The back of my hair looks crazy. I can see that now. Do you ever see photos of yourself from the back or like the side and you're like that's what I looked like all day? Okay I have to rethink the whole day now. That day did not go as I thought it did. I feel like that a lot. Positive self-talk that has never worked for me. I guess that works for some people but it's never helped me to just like you know look myself in the mirror and be like you are this good thing and you are that good thing. You know if I do that I'm just like you think I don't know your tricks bitch? You're not tricking me you idiot. You're a piece of crap. Nice try. So the affirmations just don't work for me. It kind of makes me feel stupid honestly. It makes me feel like I'm patronizing myself. Like how dumb do I think I am? Oh that's very oily looking. That's maybe too much oil. Wow did you just ruin everything you did? Impressive. Oh heck yes. That's what we needed baby. That looks pretty effortless. That looks like I didn't just spend an hour doing it. Deceit. Beauty is deceit. I do like to comb out the curls afterwards because then it gets like a real good natural look. They kind of bleed together. What the heck am I gonna wear? That is in my mouth. No thanks. All right I think I gotta get dressed. Thanks for attending today's lecture. There will be an exam at the end of the week. On my period today. I'm not feeling awesome. Do you want to hear something embarrassing? Yeah who doesn't? I don't know if I will post this or not but I got my period like two days ago during a meeting. A work meeting for my tech job. It wasn't even a meeting. They hosted like a post new year's like holiday virtual like celebration on a zoom call. It was very nice of them because it's really just like me and I think one other person who's remote. So they were trying to do it to include us. It was like really really nice. We got on the zoom call and my computer just wasn't working at all. My whole computer wouldn't work so I had to join the zoom call on my phone and then my audio wouldn't work when I tried to like speak or participate. So I just had to sit there in silence and they would like ask me questions and I would just kind of like nod because I could hear them but I couldn't respond and it was so painful. Zoom chit chats are already so uncomfortable but I made it so much worse and and they were doing it for me and I just felt the worst I could possibly feel. Then in the middle of the meeting I was like oh I just got my period. Dope. My audio already wasn't working on the call so I didn't feel like it was appropriate for me to shut off my video for a moment too and then go to the bathroom and like take care of the situation because I felt then I would just be like totally absent on the call that they were doing for me. So I just I just sat there and just like took it. I was like I'm just gonna bleed here on this call for the next hour and that's what I did. I guess that was my holiday gift back to them. That was my thank you. That's how my period started this week and I think that set the tone for the week for the most part. Oh you're on your way? Yeah 20 minutes it's fine. Yeah that sounds good. Thank you so much. Okay see you soon. Bye bye. That was my chimney sweep. Well he's not mine. He belongs to the land. Getting the chimney of the fireplace inspected today to see if it's usable for fire. We'll see. Um I had one viewer tell me that I need to look into the camera lens instead of the camera video display so sorry I'm such a narcissist. I'm gonna try and do better. I am a narcissist. Did I tell you that I have a YouTube channel? I think my coffee table is also being delivered. Meanwhile I am trying to do tech work. I have been stuck on I've been stuck on a code problem for several days that I can't solve and I hate asking for help. I don't know why but I really don't like asking for help and I'm gonna have to do it. I have to ask for help today. It's not an ego thing. It's not that I care at all that people think I'm weak. I'm weak and everyone knows it. In fact I love pity. Pity is one of my favorite emotions. I just whenever I'm in a position where I need to ask for help I'm also in a place where I think the problem will never be solved and I I just feel hopeless. I feel like it's never gonna end. Hopefully I'm gonna get some answers to that and um I think that's enough words for the morning. Good morning so far. Do you need anything? No? Okay. Yeah what am I gonna do? Um okay he's out there cleaning the chimney. I'm just gonna lay here and work on my bed because it's a tech day so I need to actually call somebody um and ask some questions. Hey how are you? I was having some trouble with react yesterday. Okay I'm gonna screen share. Sometimes it happens with hotspots that you make something very simple but it doesn't work. Yeah that's like everything I try to do is simple and it doesn't work. This get asset url function. Send the function as a prop. I will do that. You're so helpful. I really appreciate it. You're welcome. Okay I'll talk to you later. Okay bye bye. That's some noise. Can you hear the vacuuming? He's giving it to it good. Awesome thank you. Too many sweep just left. I got some more work to do and then getting a um coffee table. It's a big one. I bought a really big one. I'm into buying fewer pieces and larger pieces now. They just feel like more hefty and and established. I don't know what the word is. I'll probably be putting my feet on the coffee table because I'm a slob and I want to. Mom back off. I hope it's nice. I hope I don't have to return it. I don't know what time they're coming though. They said 12 to 3 so I I'm guessing they'll be here at 4. It's almost noon. I need breakfast. This is what I have for breakfast pretty much every day. I feel like I try to mix it up more with lunch and dinner but in the morning for breakfast like I'm usually working and try to keep it simple. There's a hot guy on the corner. I get to just sit at my bay windows all day. Oh he was only hot from the side. He's not hot from the front. Bitch. I just sit at my windows all day and like people watch. There's always people on the street corner and there's always hot dudes walking around here but they're they're such a mirage. I never see them in the wild. They're always just on the corner. All right back to work. Hello. Yeah just like right here in the center. Perfect. How's your day going? It's pretty good. Wow. It's big. Awesome. Thank you. Have a good day. Oh dude it's big. It's so big. I might have gotten the wrong size. I think it's too big. Whoops. What is wrong with me? I'm wondering if I if I'm just not used to it because it's been an empty space and now it's like full of a of a table. Maybe if I put some stuff on top it'll be better. Let's see. Let's see. Okay what can we do? Okay this actually does feel more normal now. That seems reasonable. Magazine's out. Interesting. Interesting. It's still so big. Okay so that's just like 25 seconds worth of styling. It does look more normal when I put stuff on it but it's still so big. I did tape it out before I got it. Maybe my tape measure's broken. Do I hate it? Wow. I have no idea. I have to live with it. I have to live with it for like a week. I just went to the gym which is like my meditation time. That's my time of peace and the whole time I was thinking about the coffee table. I can't believe how big it is. I'm gonna measure it. I'm gonna measure it because I don't. I think they lied to me about the size or I've lied to myself I guess. They said where's the camera? Why would I put the camera there? It's supposed to be a 42 inch table. It does not feel 42 inches. That's all I'm gonna say. That's all I'm gonna say. Okay. All right. It's exactly 42 inches. Never mind. Never mind. I feel crazy. I just had. I just. Today was supposed to be a day off. I was gonna do some antique shopping today for the video but instead this thought occurred to me in the morning where I was like I'm behind at work at my day job. I need to prove myself. I that's never worked out for me. I decided I was gonna work today. Where did this initiative come from? And I coded. What time is it? It's 6 30. I started coding at like 10 and I didn't get out of the chair. I got out of the chair at like 5 30 to turn the lights on because I hadn't turned the lights on in the morning. It was bright and then by 5 pm I was sitting in a dark room and I hadn't gotten up and I didn't have to pee all day because I didn't drink any water. I ate breakfast at 9 and I didn't get out of the chair again. I don't know why I do this. I get into the code and now I feel like a crazy person because I haven't eaten and I haven't spoken to anybody and I think I stopped breathing for a part of the afternoon. What was the point of that? I just feel crazy now. So I'm going to have dinner with my girlfriends I guess. I need people. This is a bad feeling. I don't like it. I don't know why I did that. Who am I trying to impress? Well my boss literally but but why? Why? Why do I do that? I'm gonna go eat some dinner with my friends and try to re-humanize I think. Is this on? Is this ever on? I never know. Never in my life have I felt so terrorized by a piece of furniture. This coffee table it's driving me wild. Okay so these are my thoughts. I love all the surface area. It's not too big. I can walk around it. There's good flow. It's not too big. You hear me? It's not too big. I think what bothers me about it is that the square does not line up with the rectangle design on the carpet. I think a circle would then be better. They wouldn't actually be conflicting and it's like rectangular couch. It's so hard for me to point in reverse. Why is this not a skill I have? Rectangular couch. Square rug. Square square square. It's a square party in here and I don't like that. I did put up an Instagram poll to ask people what they thought. Let's look at the poll. I'm gonna let's read the Instagram messages. Okay 61% says keep it you idiot. Okay. Hungry pee in the city. That's kind of a that's a cool handle. Hungry pee. I did the poll because I felt threatened. Then mission accomplished. However I sort of hate it. Love it. So let's see what other people have to say. Not that helpful but I'm happy you felt threatened. Jessica. Oh my friend Jessica. I was on her podcast this week and she's super funny and she's a very funny podcast we talked about mostly basically about my lifelong romance with depression. If you want to listen to that it's peaking podcast. She's just amazing and so funny and wise. I would check it out if you if that's what you want to do. Not good. It's almost too harsh in the space. Get out. Get out of here. I actually I'm looking for opinions but I'm not. I think something round would look better. Lots of squares going on. Judy. Judy. We're twins. Yeah Judy knows what's up. Love your earrings. Thank you but really not what I asked. I do feel like it is big in comparison mainly the TV stand. Oh yeah let me tell you about this TV stand. This is temporary. My friend Connor gave this to me to get my TV off the floor which was really nice. He sent me a picture of it. He was like do you want this temporarily for your TV and I was like will it fit? It looks like it's the same size of my TV and he was like oh yeah it'll fit. Let's see how well this fits. This right here is a representation of how much my sanity is hanging on to dear life right now. This is how well I'm doing right now. So this is temporary but it did get my TV off the ground and that's great. Lori just said return it period. Come on Lori throw in some kind of emoji or something. I'm very fragile. Aaron is also cutting to the chase. It doesn't do the space any justice. This living room is about justice honestly. I think I'm gonna return it. Only if I can find a round coffee table though. It's cold. Girl those flowers were so overpriced in a Safeway. Isn't Safeway supposed to be cheaper? That was like a $19 bouquet of flowers. That was like the fake dyed flowers. You know when they're dyed like weird colors? God I'm cold my nose is. $19? What who what life is that? I'm about to lose my life I'm gonna do the walk to Trader Joe's instead but I might freeze to death on the way. I got three of these babies. Went with tulips. I mostly just like to do one flower. I don't like to do multiple colors or I just like one. I'm a simpleton. I did also get more mango that I'm still allergic to. Oh ---- my bag just broke. Rude. That's what I get. I can't stop with the mango. It's it's probably a cry for help I guess. I have to carry this all the way home now. Very exciting today. I have some decor packages to open up. Let's see what I got. Yes yes yes yes yes. Is it too dark? Don't fall over please. That would be rude of you. That is nothing. This is just a soap dish that my mom put. All this stuff was delivered to my mom's house because sometimes I send deliveries there. I went to pick these up and she gave me all these items and I opened this. I was like I did not order this. What is this? And she was just like it's a container. You love containers and I was like that is a good point. Thank you. Oh yeah oh yeah. Crate and barrel. This is a votive. It's like an amber candle votive. I wish it was like a thinner glass and I would use it as a cocktail glass. Maybe I still should. I got six of these. Oh look at these babies. Six of those. Love it. CB2. Basically a larger thing of what I just showed you. I'm big on the amber right now. This is a hurricane vase which why are they called that? The logic that I assembled in my mind is that you can put a candle inside it and even if there's a hurricane the wind won't really get in or the rain. Although it will because it's open. So maybe that's not why it's called that but it's like more it's a can you can put a candle and it'll be more protected from the weather. I don't think that's really it. That seems stupid. I actually want to use this as a vase. Like a low vase and have a big floof of flowers right here. If I'm doing a design project for a client I'm very intentional about the decor pieces. I plan them all out but for myself I don't plan out really what I'm getting or where it's going or how I'm going to use it. If I see something I love I just get it for accessories because I can always find a new place. I'm always moving accessories. If I see something I love and it's affordable I just get it and I figure out what I'm doing with it later and that has not steered me wrong thus far. The end. Oh they're beautiful. I mean I probably buy flowers once a week like you know grocery shopping. Maybe 20 bucks maybe 30 bucks. It's not a necessary expense at all but it brings a lot of value to me. It makes me so happy and then there's other things other people like to spend money on that I really don't care to spend money on. Like I never order takeout ever. I never get my nails done. You know we all have like our little indulgences so flowers are definitely mine. This looks kind of crazy. Maybe these are the wrong height. Whatever dude. One thing that my therapist once said to me which was like one of the most mind-blowing things she's ever said. She said to me money is an opportunity. I'm starting over. It depends what opportunity you are looking for in your life. For me it's the opportunity to like have something beautiful that brings me a lot of joy on a daily basis. $30 is kind of a freaking bargain. This is looking crazy as heck. Let's do this again. Somebody hate getting texts. What a bitch I am. I think it's because I like with my job I spend all day on my computer and like I hate being on another screen. I'm either on my computer for tech work or I'm on my computer for editing a video and like I don't want to be on my phone anymore. I don't like it. I started sending voice memos to my friends because I can tolerate that better and I like sending voice memos. I have a lot of emotion to convey. Oh yeah this is looking more like something. Oh why are you so droopy? They're a little droopy. Well whatever I like them. See this is what makes me happy. Just total freaking simplicity.